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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 530
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2019 9:07 am 
 

Ah, to hell with the poem about car parks. I've got another one that Osore is going to hate, because it goes in for some modern stuff and is also about a really big celebrity. Probably not very cool, but it was entertaining to write.

That Time I Dated Ariana Grande

Not many people know this,
but there was a date, just one.
Before it happened, I was asking myself questions,
like:

Will we talk about music?
I can only name her singles.
I don’t even know what her albums are called.

Is she gonna spend all my money?
I know how ‘7 Rings’ got written.
Champagne at Tiffany’s; that kind of thing.

What kind of ponytail will she have?
What if she comes with her hair down?
She might want to be incognito.
Big sunglasses and a mackintosh.
Would I let her sit there like that?
While I’m trying to be all chill,
and she’s looking like a private eye.

What if Manchester comes up?
I can’t just tiptoe around that:
shrapnel and screams and shaking
don’t go away in anyone’s mind.

Isn’t she really short?
Heard all these rumours of 5 nothing.
Walk her round under my arm –
a sweetener for my pits, deodorant –
but, who’s gonna fill the room?

What if, what if things get serious?
Taking her home, a taxi;
my room, the size of it, the quality.
I’ve seen her dance, watched her moves.
Does that take the sting out of a dangerous woman?
Maybe she would disappoint me.

Like I said, just that one time.
Want to know what we did, what it was like?
Well, I don’t like to talk about it.

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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 148
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2019 12:59 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
I think that goes back to the weird Lawrence Sterne when he wrote Tristram Shandy

Though Tristram is always present as narrator and commentator, the book contains little of his life, only the story of a trip through France and accounts of the four comical mishaps which shaped the course of his life from an early age. Firstly, while still only a homunculus, Tristram's implantation within his mother's uterus was disturbed. At the very moment of procreation, his mother asked his father if he had remembered to wind the clock. The distraction and annoyance led to the disruption of the proper balance of humours necessary to conceive a well-favoured child. Secondly, one of his father's pet theories was that a large and attractive nose was important to a man making his way in life. In a difficult birth, Tristram's nose was crushed by Dr. Slop's forceps. Thirdly, another of his father's theories was that a person's name exerted enormous influence over that person's nature and fortunes, with the worst possible name being Tristram. In view of the previous accidents, Tristram's father decreed that the boy would receive an especially auspicious name, Trismegistus. Susannah mangled the name in conveying it to the curate, and the child was christened Tristram. According to his father's theory, his name, being a conflation of "Trismegistus" (after the esoteric mystic Hermes Trismegistus) and "Tristan" (whose connotation bore the influence through folk etymology of Latin tristis, "sorrowful"), doomed him to a life of woe and cursed him with the inability to comprehend the causes of his misfortune. Finally, as a toddler, Tristram suffered an accidental circumcision when Susannah let a window sash fall as he urinated out of the window because his chamberpot was missing. :-D
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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 148
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2019 1:02 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Ah, to hell with the poem about car parks. I've got another one that Osore is going to hate, because it goes in for some modern stuff and is also about a really big celebrity. Probably not very cool, but it was entertaining to write.

That Time I Dated Ariana Grande

Not many people know this,
but there was a date, just one.
Before it happened, I was asking myself questions,
like:

Will we talk about music?
I can only name her singles.
I don’t even know what her albums are called.

Is she gonna spend all my money?
I know how ‘7 Rings’ got written.
Champagne at Tiffany’s; that kind of thing.

What kind of ponytail will she have?
What if she comes with her hair down?
She might want to be incognito.
Big sunglasses and a mackintosh.
Would I let her sit there like that?
While I’m trying to be all chill,
and she’s looking like a private eye.

What if Manchester comes up?
I can’t just tiptoe around that:
shrapnel and screams and shaking
don’t go away in anyone’s mind.

Isn’t she really short?
Heard all these rumours of 5 nothing.
Walk her round under my arm –
a sweetener for my pits, deodorant –
but, who’s gonna fill the room?

What if, what if things get serious?
Taking her home, a taxi;
my room, the size of it, the quality.
I’ve seen her dance, watched her moves.
Does that take the sting out of a dangerous woman?
Maybe she would disappoint me.

Like I said, just that one time.
Want to know what we did, what it was like?
Well, I don’t like to talk about it.

Hilarious! :-D
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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 530
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 12:50 am 
 

Osore wrote:
Tristram Shandy

Yeah, love that book!

Osore wrote:
gasmask_colostomy wrote:
That Time I Dated Ariana Grande

Hilarious! :-D

I'm surprised you think so :-D

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LordStenhammar
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Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2012 10:46 am
Posts: 1603
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 3:31 am 
 

https://www.risingshadow.fi/forum/leirinuotio/1903-painaja-ja-muita-runoja

You can find some of my stuff from there. IN FINNISH ONLY, sorry. Old shit on the first pages.
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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 148
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 4:00 am 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Aaargh, the second one really reminds me of a novelist who did a very similar style, but I've forgotten who. Someone recent, maybe 1990s or 2000s.
House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski? I found it last year and put it on my to-read list.
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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 530
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 5:07 am 
 

Osore wrote:
House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski

I am really not sure, but I believe I've heard that name before. I'm thinking of a pretty modern book, which might have been written about the 9/11 attacks in the US, and it had text pasted over text, boxes in odd places, and chunks taken out of dialogues. I didn't read the whole thing though.

LordStenhammar wrote:
https://www.risingshadow.fi/forum/leirinuotio/1903-painaja-ja-muita-runoja

You can find some of my stuff from there. IN FINNISH ONLY, sorry. Old shit on the first pages.

Not being a Finnish speaker, I just have two reactions. (You can ignore the first one.)

1. Damn, Finnish words are really fucking long!
2. Your poetic structures are really formal, mostly using rhymed verses with 4 lines and incredibly neat rhythm. They almost look like 18th century hymns because of their uniformity. Is formality something you aspire to?

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DividerOfShadows
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Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2016 1:58 pm
Posts: 369
Location: Croatia
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 7:56 am 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Vignette


To be honest, that "the cover for an album/called Never Comes Silence" kind of broke the atmosphere for me. Maybe it's because I prefer when things seem a bit vague, and here it's completely opposite. However, I don't think your poem is bad at all. The end in particular is very nice, it offers some kind of a cathartic finish to this work of poetry. "A tower and a thimble" is also an interesting metaphor, me likey!

Osore wrote:
DividerofShadows wrote:
I find it very difficult to return to the same headspace I was in while I was writing it.

It's the opposite for me, I have a mental image connected to the every piece I wrote.


Then you should consider yourself lucky. Most of us tend to work under moments of inspiration that come and go as they please... That is to say, it makes a big difference whether I, for one, choose to write something while I'm at home or if I choose to visit some interesting place I'm not too familiar with.

Osore wrote:
Stéphane Mallarmé - Prozori

The images in this one are... Astonishing. Brilliant. I really, really like this one, bitterness in poet's voice is clearly there, and the metaphors and words used are very, very creative.

ᴎostalgiʞK wrote:
DividerOfShadows wrote:
Rapture

I always love the places you make on your poems and their contrast, a wasteland, frozen tears, desert, an ocean..

"An ocean's scream/Trapped within your eyes/An infinite white desert/To take you inside/Life is but a glass marble

Unconscious, yet so aware/The empyreal birds sing in unison/Yet harp's strings are made of your blood/And tears are but a frozen veil/
Keeping you in this ethereal wasteland

Translucent limbs rise up in the air/Voiceless screech that creates no storm"

At here I'm imagining 3 things here, some kind of Animus, like Assassin's Creed where all seems to be produced in the mind of this person (but these things were real). Second thing is Alcest, I don't know why..

Those harps are veins? Frozen veils means that those tears are no longer credible? Veil.. woman? When I read you I always find a woman, that's brutal ;)


First of all, I'm glad you came back :) Thank you for your kind comments!
I'm not very well acquainted with Assassin's Creed, but given your description, you could be on a good trail here. Here's the deal: It describes a certain individual enamoured of his drug-induced hallucinations and he believes everything is okay, he just enjoys it all, but slowly and subtly, many horrors start to take place and he feels the need to return to the real world.

I wouldn't call them veins, although that was an expected guess :D I think I was trying to describe a certain feeling of uneasiness during a time of tranquility. I'm not sure anymore what those tears signify, maybe that he sees everything blurry i. e. he can't get in touch with reality because of his own misconduct. Yes, there is a woman in this poem, but it's not in this stanza ;)

ᴎostalgiʞK wrote:
"Translucent limbs rise up in the air/Voiceless screech that creates no storm/"It's beautiful," say your pallid lips/But no echo does your heart produce"

Is like that woman (if you are talking of someone at some point) is not alive, like if she is not anymore, and she harmed a lot the word presented here.

"Silver pillars stretched for eternity" Stones graves?


Again, your interpretation is a creative one and I admire that, but it's not really like that. The first stanza you mention describes the "hero" trying to convince himself that there's nothing he should be worried about, but deep down inside he knows that things are going terribly wrong.

Silver pillars are more-or-less a literal image I had in my mind. Imagine some sort of a building with multiple pillars (those things which carry the weight of the ceiling, I don't know if "pillar" is the right word). Everything there is bathed in Sunlight, but the hall which you're walking through is endlessly long and it makes you uncomfortable. There is no end. Your heart begins to pump quickly because you don't know what to do. That's more or less what I think I tried to describe.

This message is getting too long, I'll comment on other poems in another one.
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Earthcubed wrote:
CradleOfBurzum, about the new Summoning album snippet, wrote:
I was hoping for some material that resembles closer to "Lugburz"


And I'm still hoping for Katy Perry to do another Christian album.


My Last.fm

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DividerOfShadows
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Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2016 1:58 pm
Posts: 369
Location: Croatia
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 8:10 am 
 

ᴎostalgiʞK wrote:
Counting hours in shadows
Where memories drowned in my head
Beds of air disengaged of this space
An old bottle calling me again

A long haired widow whispering
Dreadful emptiness approaching to me
Empty black moon falling
Just to see what I always have been


This one is very depressing, especially the mention of an old bottle... I know that we need to separate the artist from his/her art, but man, I hope that writing such stuff gives you some catharsis.

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
That Time I Dated Ariana Grande


Just the title itself was enough to make me say "Okay, this one is going to be epic."

Funny stuff, I'm glad you've decided to put something a bit lighthearted here. We're all trying to be serious with our poems and hence we forgot that we can also have fun too!

I'll try to find some poems in my phone and post one that I haven't posted before in a separate post.
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Earthcubed wrote:
CradleOfBurzum, about the new Summoning album snippet, wrote:
I was hoping for some material that resembles closer to "Lugburz"


And I'm still hoping for Katy Perry to do another Christian album.


My Last.fm

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DividerOfShadows
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2016 1:58 pm
Posts: 369
Location: Croatia
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 8:22 am 
 

Okay, here's an interesting one. I wrote it a month ago and completely forgot about it. I'll leave it up to you for interpretation, for unlike my last one, it has a meaning behind it. Maybe Gasmask will like it, we'll see.

Little Blood

No need to beg
No need to grovel
A fallen angel dances in daze
One moon was enough
To cast a dream away

To embrace an enticing spark of life

A frozen stone
Beneath an incongrous exterior
Red bulbs of light
Aim to reach the mountain
White splendour hiding
A human chasm

"Sear me with your selfishness"
Uttered the broken lips
Overwhelmed by the endless grey
They give in to silence

"For one moment, I shall cease to exist"

Sun looming behind the glass
Tainted with dirt and an unconvincing lie
As all things once need to pass
I can allow my body once again to die

"Let me breathe your suffocating air
Let me sink in your seething blood"

Delectable tears ran down the temple
Now quaking in the afterglow
A wistful hand tore the clouds
Longing for the demise to disappear

"This little blood you've given me
My insatiable heart barely will keep"

A brown orb filled with regret
Hides itself as the hyena walks away
_________________
Earthcubed wrote:
CradleOfBurzum, about the new Summoning album snippet, wrote:
I was hoping for some material that resembles closer to "Lugburz"


And I'm still hoping for Katy Perry to do another Christian album.


My Last.fm

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LordStenhammar
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2012 10:46 am
Posts: 1603
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 4:47 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
LordStenhammar wrote:
https://www.risingshadow.fi/forum/leirinuotio/1903-painaja-ja-muita-runoja

You can find some of my stuff from there. IN FINNISH ONLY, sorry. Old shit on the first pages.

Not being a Finnish speaker, I just have two reactions. (You can ignore the first one.)

1. Damn, Finnish words are really fucking long!
2. Your poetic structures are really formal, mostly using rhymed verses with 4 lines and incredibly neat rhythm. They almost look like 18th century hymns because of their uniformity. Is formality something you aspire to?


Very accurate observations, considering you don't even know the language. Some have said my writings are old-fashioned, and maybe they're right. The thing about this certain form was clear to me from the start. Never even thought about it, it just came.
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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 148
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2019 12:04 am 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Osore wrote:
House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski

I am really not sure, but I believe I've heard that name before. I'm thinking of a pretty modern book, which might have been written about the 9/11 attacks in the US, and it had text pasted over text, boxes in odd places, and chunks taken out of dialogues. I didn't read the whole thing though.
This was written in 2000. I found two pages:
Spoiler: show
Image
Quote:
Years ago, when House of Leaves was first being passed around, it was nothing more than a badly bundled heap of paper, parts of which would occasionally surface on the Internet. No one could have anticipated the small but devoted following this terrifying story would soon command. Starting with an odd assortment of marginalized youth—musicians, tattoo artists, programmers, strippers, environmentalists, and adrenaline junkies—the book eventually made its way into the hands of older generations, who not only found themselves in those strangely arranged pages but also discovered a way back into the lives of their estranged children.
Now, for the first time, this astonishing novel is made available in book form, complete with the original colored words, vertical footnotes, and newly added second and third appendices.
The story remains unchanged, focusing on a young family that moves into a small home on Ash Tree Lane where they discover something is terribly wrong: their house is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.
Of course, neither Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist Will Navidson nor his companion Karen Green was prepared to face the consequences of that impossibility, until the day their two little children wandered off and their voices eerily began to return another story—of creature darkness, of an ever-growing abyss behind a closet door, and of that unholy growl which soon enough would tear through their walls and consume all their dreams.
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ᴎostalgiʞK
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Joined: Sat Mar 01, 2014 1:27 pm
Posts: 164
Location: Argentina, Brazil
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2019 2:20 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Ah, to hell with the poem about car parks. I've got another one that Osore is going to hate, because it goes in for some modern stuff and is also about a really big celebrity. Probably not very cool, but it was entertaining to write.

That Time I Dated Ariana Grande


Man that was hilariously good!!!

Seriously, I have to say that all the woman which I "hanged up" (ooouu) were crazy, really out of their mind, waw.. The worst were the metal women... The "illness" were not part of the metal. I think that is also mine psychological problem, why do I get or why do I attract those women?!

I think that Ariana Grande would be a good date, she does shitty stuffs, but maybe he's not that superficial.. I dunno.

DividerOfShadows wrote:
First of all, I'm glad you came back :) Thank you for your kind comments!
I'm not very well acquainted with Assassin's Creed, but given your description, you could be on a good trail here. Here's the deal: It describes a certain individual enamoured of his drug-induced hallucinations and he believes everything is okay, he just enjoys it all, but slowly and subtly, many horrors start to take place and he feels the need to return to the real world.

I wouldn't call them veins, although that was an expected guess :D I think I was trying to describe a certain feeling of uneasiness during a time of tranquility. I'm not sure anymore what those tears signify, maybe that he sees everything blurry i. e. he can't get in touch with reality because of his own misconduct. Yes, there is a woman in this poem, but it's not in this stanza ;)


DividerOfShadows wrote:
Again, your interpretation is a creative one and I admire that, but it's not really like that. The first stanza you mention describes the "hero" trying to convince himself that there's nothing he should be worried about, but deep down inside he knows that things are going terribly wrong.

Silver pillars are more-or-less a literal image I had in my mind. Imagine some sort of a building with multiple pillars (those things which carry the weight of the ceiling, I don't know if "pillar" is the right word). Everything there is bathed in Sunlight, but the hall which you're walking through is endlessly long and it makes you uncomfortable. There is no end. Your heart begins to pump quickly because you don't know what to do. That's more or less what I think I tried to describe.


Really beauty how the stories have their personal background!

DividerOfShadows wrote:
This one is very depressing, especially the mention of an old bottle... I know that we need to separate the artist from his/her art, but man, I hope that writing such stuff gives you some catharsis.


You got it Shadows...

DividerOfShadows wrote:
Little Blood


I was thinking of roll-play Vampire Masquerade > werewolf and vampires

The last paragraphs just let me think of multiple more stories

"Delectable tears ran down the temple
Now quaking in the afterglow
A wistful hand tore the clouds
Longing for the demise to disappear"

"A brown orb filled with regret
Hides itself as the hyena walks away"

As if it turned into a tragic, romantic sad tale?

A lot of spaces were created there... I'm doing an analysis on other post
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OpsiusCato wrote:
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Hilarious stupid comment that MalconInTheMETAL wrote:
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ᴎostalgiʞK
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Joined: Sat Mar 01, 2014 1:27 pm
Posts: 164
Location: Argentina, Brazil
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2019 2:41 pm 
 

"No need to beg
No need to grovel
A fallen angel dances in daze
One moon was enough
To cast a dream away"

"To embrace an enticing spark of life"

Here I encountered the vampire

"A frozen stone
Beneath an incongrous exterior
Red bulbs of light
Aim to reach the mountain
White splendour hiding
A human chasm"

Again I think of the light that hurts the vampire, red bulbs of light alludes to the pain that is the vampire suffering

"Sear me with your selfishness"
Uttered the broken lips
Overwhelmed by the endless grey
They give in to silence"

Depending of the vampire, some are kindness, goodness, others are desperate, hopeless, others are renegade and seems to want not to be a vampire anymore, just let go everything. like this one, a vampire with almost 400 years old that can't keep with the idea of "living".. But suicide is a complicate idea, because if a vampire dies she/he can't go to heaven, just will be suffer other eternity in hell (and suicide is extremely painful and insufferable according to The Masquerade)

"For one moment, I shall cease to exist"

Here it is!

"Sun looming behind the glass
Tainted with dirt and an unconvincing lie
As all things once need to pass
I can allow my body once again to die"

Here I think a story mixed of the werewolf and the vampire (a vampire can convert animals into vampires also)
Here the vampire demonstrates again the suffering of being alive..

"Let me breathe your suffocating air
Let me sink in your seething blood"

The process of converting someone that I don't know the translation in English

"Delectable tears ran down the temple
Now quaking in the afterglow
A wistful hand tore the clouds
Longing for the demise to disappear

"This little blood you've given me
My insatiable heart barely will keep"

A brown orb filled with regret
Hides itself as the hyena walks away"

Here the story turned up in a romantic, sad, hopelessness tale IMO, a really beauty one I must say.

The hyena could be something more than just a hyena...

Sorry if I disappear, I'm into bad days.. No job, almost drinking every day, not much money.. Brazil is fucked up too.. Shitty corrupted right-wings, nevermind this thread is for poetry. Good to read you all!
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OpsiusCato wrote:
It's in my Goatfangs text.file
Hilarious stupid comment that MalconInTheMETAL wrote:
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DividerOfShadows
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Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2016 1:58 pm
Posts: 369
Location: Croatia
PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2019 1:18 pm 
 

And yet again, the meaning behind my poem is different than your interpretation :D It's more down-to-earth than you might think, it has nothing to do with anything supernatural. Maybe I just did a good job by ushering in various metaphors... However, you're right about one small detail - it's romantic in a bit twisted way, or at least recounts someone's perception of romance. And, of course, it ends tragically. I'm not going to reveal much yet, I might do it if others are interested in interpreting this for themselves too.
_________________
Earthcubed wrote:
CradleOfBurzum, about the new Summoning album snippet, wrote:
I was hoping for some material that resembles closer to "Lugburz"


And I'm still hoping for Katy Perry to do another Christian album.


My Last.fm

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 530
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2019 12:33 am 
 

DividerOfShadows wrote:
Okay, here's an interesting one. I wrote it a month ago and completely forgot about it. I'll leave it up to you for interpretation, for unlike my last one, it has a meaning behind it. Maybe Gasmask will like it, we'll see.

Little Blood

No need to beg
No need to grovel
A fallen angel dances in daze
One moon was enough
To cast a dream away

To embrace an enticing spark of life

A frozen stone
Beneath an incongrous exterior
Red bulbs of light
Aim to reach the mountain
White splendour hiding
A human chasm

"Sear me with your selfishness"
Uttered the broken lips
Overwhelmed by the endless grey
They give in to silence

"For one moment, I shall cease to exist"

Sun looming behind the glass
Tainted with dirt and an unconvincing lie
As all things once need to pass
I can allow my body once again to die

"Let me breathe your suffocating air
Let me sink in your seething blood"

Delectable tears ran down the temple
Now quaking in the afterglow
A wistful hand tore the clouds
Longing for the demise to disappear

"This little blood you've given me
My insatiable heart barely will keep"

A brown orb filled with regret
Hides itself as the hyena walks away

Yeah, I'm more into this; I think it follows just one course of action from beginning to end and it's more interesting to interpret too. Reading some of the comments you made to ᴎostalgiʞK, I've got certain thoughts about a lustful experience (maybe a one night stand), but it's tough to be sure. I get the picture that the "fallen angel" is the one doing most of the speaking, and when she says things like, "Sear me with your selfishness" (really brought out the My Dying Bride fan in me) and "For one moment, I shall cease to exist", there's this very melancholy but voluptuous feeling that she's talking to the "hyena".

A lot of the stuff about bulbs and mountains and temples I read as body imagery, probably chosen to emphasize beauty but also mystique. I understand why ᴎostalgiʞK thought of vampires and supernatural, because there are references to blood and sort of esoteric practices of devouring flesh and dying. I think those are slightly classical ways to code orgasms, no? ("Delectable tears ran down the temple / Now quaking in the afterglow".) I'd say it's a tale about a fragile prostitute and her customer. Hehe, if I'm wrong I'll feel a bit silly :roll:

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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 530
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2019 12:38 am 
 

LordStenhammar wrote:
gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Not being a Finnish speaker, I just have two reactions. (You can ignore the first one.)

1. Damn, Finnish words are really fucking long!
2. Your poetic structures are really formal, mostly using rhymed verses with 4 lines and incredibly neat rhythm. They almost look like 18th century hymns because of their uniformity. Is formality something you aspire to?


Very accurate observations, considering you don't even know the language. Some have said my writings are old-fashioned, and maybe they're right. The thing about this certain form was clear to me from the start. Never even thought about it, it just came.

So, what kind of topics are you writing about? Surely they must fit the style quite suitably to be so sure that's the way you want to write.

Osore wrote:
House of Leaves

Yes! That's the one I'm thinking of. Have you tried reading any? The techniques you used in the last poem you shared remind me of that. It's very postmodern and I believe House of Leaves was proving a point about the difficulty of communicating accurately and completely.

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LordStenhammar
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PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2019 8:58 am 
 

gasmask_colostomy: Surprise, surprise, it's all about death and mysticism for me. The usual setting in my stuff is a dark countryside landscape. Must be because I was brougt up in a rural area. Kind of obsessed about desolate houses, churches and other similar things. Nothing that "artistic" or original, but I like what I do.
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Osore
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PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2019 12:33 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Osore wrote:
House of Leaves
Yes! That's the one I'm thinking of. Have you tried reading any? The techniques you used in the last poem you shared remind me of that. It's very postmodern and I believe House of Leaves was proving a point about the difficulty of communicating accurately and completely.
I haven't yet, but I intend to check it, if I ever get a translated copy.
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gasmask_colostomy
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PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2019 9:37 pm 
 

LordStenhammar wrote:
gasmask_colostomy: Surprise, surprise, it's all about death and mysticism for me. The usual setting in my stuff is a dark countryside landscape. Must be because I was brougt up in a rural area. Kind of obsessed about desolate houses, churches and other similar things. Nothing that "artistic" or original, but I like what I do.

You know, I think I commented earlier that the format looked religious because of its regularity and (I think) rhyme scheme; however, I could totally see it fitting into that kind of early Gothic or Poe-esque tradition of formal writing that creeps the hell out of you. From a metal perspective, it sounds a little bit like you’re writing King Diamond concepts in Finnish poetry, which is also pretty cool! Have you always written everything in Finnish?

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LordStenhammar
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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 6:10 am 
 

That thing about King Diamond might actually hold true to my later material. I've pretty much abandoned the rhymes (don't know if that was a right move...), and moved into a more story-telling kind of poems.

Don't know about Gothic and Poe, maybe there is SOME similarity. My main influences are probably old Finnish writers, and the Finnish history and pagan mythology. The visions I had in psychosis were important too - material for decades to come. Oh yes, and THE BIBLE! Just a simple pagan writing simple pagan stuff.

I've written some lyrics in English. But as you might have noticed, my English pretty much sucks.
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gasmask_colostomy
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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2019 4:30 am 
 

LordStenhammar wrote:
That thing about King Diamond might actually hold true to my later material. I've pretty much abandoned the rhymes (don't know if that was a right move...), and moved into a more story-telling kind of poems.

Don't know about Gothic and Poe, maybe there is SOME similarity. My main influences are probably old Finnish writers, and the Finnish history and pagan mythology. The visions I had in psychosis were important too - material for decades to come. Oh yes, and THE BIBLE! Just a simple pagan writing simple pagan stuff.

I've written some lyrics in English. But as you might have noticed, my English pretty much sucks.

Pagan stuff sounds cool; psychosis maybe a little more mixed quality. I guess I've gotta claim ignorance about old Finnish writers, because I'm just left thinking of the Eddas and they were Icelandic, I think. Care to introduce any?

You know, I don't know what you guys want others to think when you knock your clearly great English skills. I have British friends who can't write a sentence as well as you. If it feels difficult to write poetry in another tongue, then I totally get that; I understand there's a difference between communicating normally and writing creatively.

Since no one has posted any work for a while, let's see if we stir some interest with architecture. There's a little bit of creative formatting that I can't replicate in MA's editor, but it's mostly unnecessary anyway.

The Stone Memory

Stumbling through the desolate city,
dark walls, brown earth underfoot,
the sky a thousand parapets falling forever,
the silence of stone on stone, ancestry
that will not gather dust.

A masterpiece of deformed architecture, phantom
stairways that (never) end
in sheer drops, screaming arches swooping through windows,
trompe l’oeil pavement surging like a tide downhill, a
tower accessible only from above,
blank doors
set flush in blank walls opening into

spacious courtyards

but closing fast from inside, claustrophobic tunnels like veins that worm
beneath the winding streets, surfacing
in resculpted passages hidden by the overhang
of vast sealed chambers.

A labyrinthine monolith hewn
from one aging block of stone,
a natural relic echoing past footfalls,
shifting sands encircling, evading
the statue of memory.

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LordStenhammar
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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2019 6:31 am 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Pagan stuff sounds cool; psychosis maybe a little more mixed quality. I guess I've gotta claim ignorance about old Finnish writers, because I'm just left thinking of the Eddas and they were Icelandic, I think. Care to introduce any?


Check out the poems of Eino Leino, Kaarlo Kramsu and Aleksis Kivi, if there are any translations available. Leino especially was a true Finnish wizard! Lately I've been possessed by this page. Great stuff: https://www.teosofia.net/muut/runo.htm

EDIT: Oh, and to comment your latest poem: really fucking atmospheric. Very easy to get in the mood when reading this. Just walking there, noticing how things have aged. There must be something in that city, that is still waiting to come. Or maybe not, that's a mystery. Maybe I'm just seeing monsters everywhere, and it's a city completely devoid of life.

This thing is probably crystal clear for all of you natives. What a summary...
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gasmask_colostomy
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PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2019 1:00 am 
 

LordStenhammar wrote:
Check out the poems of Eino Leino, Kaarlo Kramsu and Aleksis Kivi, if there are any translations available. Leino especially was a true Finnish wizard! Lately I've been possessed by this page. Great stuff: https://www.teosofia.net/muut/runo.htm

EDIT: Oh, and to comment your latest poem: really fucking atmospheric. Very easy to get in the mood when reading this. Just walking there, noticing how things have aged. There must be something in that city, that is still waiting to come. Or maybe not, that's a mystery. Maybe I'm just seeing monsters everywhere, and it's a city completely devoid of life.

This thing is probably crystal clear for all of you natives. What a summary...

I've tried reading a few translations Leino poems such as 'Lapin Kesä', 'Hymni Tulelle', 'Nuori Nainen', and 'Nocturne'. He has a lot of nostalgia and nature running through those works and the imagery is very classical and broad. In some ways, I'm a little surprised that he was writing just over 100 years ago, because the themes and style seem a little older to me. However, I guess different countries had poetic movements at different times.

As for my own poem, I don't think you're missing the point. It's about atmosphere and that kind of haunted feeling that you would get when seeing a completely deserted city; that's why I described all the unnatural architecture. I think it could go both ways about being abandoned or about something watching you, since there are not many clues to tell either way.

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LordStenhammar
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PostPosted: Mon May 06, 2019 9:48 am 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Pagan stuff sounds cool; psychosis maybe a little more mixed quality.


Still a little comment concerning this. My psychosis experiences kind of fit the picture, because they are quite "pagan" too in nature. You know, fear of the moon and the night, receiving personal messages from evil spirits, seeing frightening symbolism everywhere etc. Glad those days are over, though.
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DividerOfShadows
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Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2016 1:58 pm
Posts: 369
Location: Croatia
PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 4:56 pm 
 

You're going to have to forgive me for not posting for a while, I kinda got lost in all of the posts here :D

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Yeah, I'm more into this; I think it follows just one course of action from beginning to end and it's more interesting to interpret too. Reading some of the comments you made to ᴎostalgiʞK, I've got certain thoughts about a lustful experience (maybe a one night stand), but it's tough to be sure. I get the picture that the "fallen angel" is the one doing most of the speaking, and when she says things like, "Sear me with your selfishness" (really brought out the My Dying Bride fan in me) and "For one moment, I shall cease to exist", there's this very melancholy but voluptuous feeling that she's talking to the "hyena".

A lot of the stuff about bulbs and mountains and temples I read as body imagery, probably chosen to emphasize beauty but also mystique. I understand why ᴎostalgiʞK thought of vampires and supernatural, because there are references to blood and sort of esoteric practices of devouring flesh and dying. I think those are slightly classical ways to code orgasms, no? ("Delectable tears ran down the temple / Now quaking in the afterglow".) I'd say it's a tale about a fragile prostitute and her customer. Hehe, if I'm wrong I'll feel a bit silly :roll:


Precisely, I was going for the scene of a one night stand. Trying to forget the solitude by a temporary "solution" that ends up making you feel even more like shit. More or less I'd say you're right with your interpretation, but it's not really a prostitute, it's more of a lonely, broken woman who knows her life is misery, but tries to feel something again. Of course, she chooses the first solution at hand - to have sex with someone she doesn't know. And she does, but when she tries to keep the "bond" between herself and him, he leaves her and her whole world comes crashing down.

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Spoiler: show
The Stone Memory

Stumbling through the desolate city,
dark walls, brown earth underfoot,
the sky a thousand parapets falling forever,
the silence of stone on stone, ancestry
that will not gather dust.

A masterpiece of deformed architecture, phantom
stairways that (never) end
in sheer drops, screaming arches swooping through windows,
trompe l’oeil pavement surging like a tide downhill, a
tower accessible only from above,
blank doors
set flush in blank walls opening into

spacious courtyards

but closing fast from inside, claustrophobic tunnels like veins that worm
beneath the winding streets, surfacing
in resculpted passages hidden by the overhang
of vast sealed chambers.

A labyrinthine monolith hewn
from one aging block of stone,
a natural relic echoing past footfalls,
shifting sands encircling, evading
the statue of memory.


First of all, excellent title!

Secondly, bravo. I'd say this one is probably the best one you've posted yet. It's so picturesque, I really imagined myself walking through those places you've described and seeing all the buildings in question. Some phrases are really up my alley (the sky a thousand parapets falling forever, phantom stairways that (never) end, the statue of memory). I have nothing more to add, but thank you for posting this one, it's brilliant :)
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I was hoping for some material that resembles closer to "Lugburz"


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DividerOfShadows
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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 6:18 pm 
 

This is a new one. Honestly, it took awhile to get it done. Let me know what you guys think.

Spoiler: show
Transience

An aural lava
Arriving on a golden rider's back
Plays with sleeping curtains
Preying on my memory

The call of a distant martyr
Strokes the wet blades of grass
Ocean's tears evaporate
To grace the hidden angels

A heart pierced by a feather
Eternal sunrise bleeds another hope
Sometimes the edge is much too close
To shine with equal splendour

Fragmented recollections
Whirl and dance aimlessly
Trying to witness the birth of fate

I am alone

White stones paint a variegated Sun
Ascending to warm the slaves of time
Red caverns call my name
When I sleep on the clouds

Far beyond comprehension
On the shores of a blessed lie
Translucent wings take flight
And disappear as soon as the eyes close

I am here

Stifling arms keep the brain awake
And voraciously try to believe in eternity
They bellow to preserve an inherent state
But divine river keeps building a bridge
Between the fractured stars

A speck of light
Came to reside within my heart

I am complete
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Earthcubed wrote:
CradleOfBurzum, about the new Summoning album snippet, wrote:
I was hoping for some material that resembles closer to "Lugburz"


And I'm still hoping for Katy Perry to do another Christian album.


My Last.fm

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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 530
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2019 1:04 am 
 

DividerOfShadows wrote:
gasmask_colostomy wrote:
The Stone Memory

First of all, excellent title!

Secondly, bravo. I'd say this one is probably the best one you've posted yet. It's so picturesque, I really imagined myself walking through those places you've described and seeing all the buildings in question. Some phrases are really up my alley (the sky a thousand parapets falling forever, phantom stairways that (never) end, the statue of memory). I have nothing more to add, but thank you for posting this one, it's brilliant

Wow, thanks! I had a really clear image of what everything looked like in this one, so maybe it was easier to write the correct images. I think a little of the environment was what you see in the movie Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, which I believe is set in 18th century Paris. I was really obsessed with architecture and cities at the time though, so it might have been imaginative too.

DividerOfShadows wrote:
:)This is a new one. Honestly, it took awhile to get it done. Let me know what you guys think.

Spoiler: show
Transience

An aural lava
Arriving on a golden rider's back
Plays with sleeping curtains
Preying on my memory

The call of a distant martyr
Strokes the wet blades of grass
Ocean's tears evaporate
To grace the hidden angels

A heart pierced by a feather
Eternal sunrise bleeds another hope
Sometimes the edge is much too close
To shine with equal splendour

Fragmented recollections
Whirl and dance aimlessly
Trying to witness the birth of fate

I am alone

White stones paint a variegated Sun
Ascending to warm the slaves of time
Red caverns call my name
When I sleep on the clouds

Far beyond comprehension
On the shores of a blessed lie
Translucent wings take flight
And disappear as soon as the eyes close

I am here

Stifling arms keep the brain awake
And voraciously try to believe in eternity
They bellow to preserve an inherent state
But divine river keeps building a bridge
Between the fractured stars

A speck of light
Came to reside within my heart

I am complete

This one is definitely in your style, since the images are really strong and yet strangely sort of float into each other, a lot of impossible things happening due to the verbs. It gives the poem a kind of "all is one" significance. Most of the imagery matches really well and could come up in dreams, while a few words wake me up a little at times. I think my favourite line is "a heart pierced by a feather", which I can actually feel happening when I read. On the other hand, you may have overused adverbs, since we get some odd use of 'aimlessly' and 'voraciously' later in the poem.

I'd sort of like to set you a challenge for a future poem. Maybe you could take your current style, with all the loosely connecting dream imagery, and see if you can add weight to a few distinct images. Describe them for more than a line or two, I mean. It might make you think differently if you allowed some verses to become a bit longer, because many of them are held back to four lines and I think they don't need to be. See what happens if you dwell on some parts more, and maybe they will surprise you with how rich a single part of the imagery can be.

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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 148
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2019 1:20 am 
 

DividerOfShadows wrote:
This is a new one. Honestly, it took awhile to get it done. Let me know what you guys think.

Spoiler: show
Transience

An aural lava
Arriving on a golden rider's back
Plays with sleeping curtains
Preying on my memory

The call of a distant martyr
Strokes the wet blades of grass
Ocean's tears evaporate
To grace the hidden angels

A heart pierced by a feather
Eternal sunrise bleeds another hope
Sometimes the edge is much too close
To shine with equal splendour

Fragmented recollections
Whirl and dance aimlessly
Trying to witness the birth of fate

I am alone

White stones paint a variegated Sun
Ascending to warm the slaves of time
Red caverns call my name
When I sleep on the clouds

Far beyond comprehension
On the shores of a blessed lie
Translucent wings take flight
And disappear as soon as the eyes close

I am here

Stifling arms keep the brain awake
And voraciously try to believe in eternity
They bellow to preserve an inherent state
But divine river keeps building a bridge
Between the fractured stars

A speck of light
Came to reside within my heart

I am complete

I have a feeling that it will sound better if you transform it into prose.
Dramatic and grandiose actions in the poem seem to result in some kind of personal epiphany. I don't know how to feel about this because images slip my mind. If you have something similar in Croatian, feel free to send me.
I'll give you an advice that was given to me 7 years ago: Try to avoid 'big words' in poetry (transience, fate, love, misanthropy, freedom etc.), efektnije je kada to dočaraš stilskim sredstvima. Of course, many old poets used it excessively, as well as stars, heart and other nouns in a similar manner you use them, which might be legitimate here because the poem has the sacral/spiritual (>old) theme. Judging from your previous poems as well, you are capable of creating desired atmosphere and tone. Now you should play more with the structure/form and the use of those frequent poetic nouns (like stars) in a different way. For example, divine river keeps building a bridge/Between the fractured stars can be transformed into divine river keeps stitching/scattered (pulsations of) stars (this is where we need to be cautious not to overdo alliteration). You have a potential to speckle the poem with some literary devices to enhance the atmosphere and give it the authentic twist, which doesn't have to mean 'surrealist' or 'weird'.
Please don't accept this as an authoritarian guide from a skilful (khm) poet. I've been looking though my little collection and everything screams edit & revise. For now I managed to revise one poem and to delete another. Facepalm.

If anyone is interested in contemporary poetry (written in English), check this blog (the only poetic I follow): https://olorielmoonshadow.wordpress.com/2015/08/26/what-really-happens-at-4-am/; https://olorielmoonshadow.wordpress.com/2019/03/21/augment/.
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simonitro
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Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:41 pm
Posts: 341
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2019 7:57 pm 
 

Snowglobe

How beautiful
A small town covered with snow
Peaceful little world between my hands
Locals live in content and silence
Yet, the anger inside of me
Shall strike with rage
An apocalyptic end
As I crush their tiny world
Between my palms of death...
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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 530
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2019 5:26 am 
 

simonitro wrote:
Snowglobe

How beautiful
A small town covered with snow
Peaceful little world between my hands
Locals live in content and silence
Yet, the anger inside of me
Shall strike with rage
An apocalyptic end
As I crush their tiny world
Between my palms of death...

Hi there! We like new faces and new poetry :-P

Your poem is pretty simple but it has a very focused to it and combines a couple of strands of thought. Obviously, the image of the quiet little world is at contrast with the anger and power of the speaker. It plays with the idea of power too, because the action is set up quite clearly as an imagined or metaphorical one, not something the speaker can really do. It's very black metal in both the feelings expressed and the general sentiment :headbang:

You could probably improve it by adding some more flesh to the bones and shaping a few rough edges some more. For example, it seems weird to me that the locals live in 'silence', since that wouldn't seem to be a pleasant life to me. Also, there's no real exploration of how or why the speaker will crush a town between their palms. As I said, it's simple, but along with the somewhat humorous title, it produces a dramatic effect.



Here's one I wrote about those themes of darkness and danger that often come up in metal lyrics, but not so much in our every day lives. I'm not completely happy about the theme relates to the image in the second verse, so any comments on that would be welcome.

The Chasm Closes

Surround yourself with danger:
tropes of peril and approaching calamity
rap crusted knuckles on the door,
their shadows haunt the windows,
lurking behind drawn curtains like
the nemesis of a recurring nightmare,
pulling you down into that
claustrophobic chasm of self.

Here, a wolf treks between the trees,
leaving prints in the snow:
down on the ground, he is making a map
for those above to capture him.
Each step is uncertain,
a passage to ravines, dark shrubs,
deep water in which he could perish;
threats hide in the trees and,
from the sky, his winding tracks
on virgin white are all too plain.
Yet, as he hears the howls
and is surrounded,
the chasm closes and danger stalks away.

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simonitro
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Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:41 pm
Posts: 341
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2019 2:27 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
simonitro wrote:
Snowglobe

How beautiful
A small town covered with snow
Peaceful little world between my hands
Locals live in content and silence
Yet, the anger inside of me
Shall strike with rage
An apocalyptic end
As I crush their tiny world
Between my palms of death...

Hi there! We like new faces and new poetry :-P

Your poem is pretty simple but it has a very focused to it and combines a couple of strands of thought. Obviously, the image of the quiet little world is at contrast with the anger and power of the speaker. It plays with the idea of power too, because the action is set up quite clearly as an imagined or metaphorical one, not something the speaker can really do. It's very black metal in both the feelings expressed and the general sentiment :headbang:

You could probably improve it by adding some more flesh to the bones and shaping a few rough edges some more. For example, it seems weird to me that the locals live in 'silence', since that wouldn't seem to be a pleasant life to me. Also, there's no real exploration of how or why the speaker will crush a town between their palms. As I said, it's simple, but along with the somewhat humorous title, it produces a dramatic effect.



Here's one I wrote about those themes of darkness and danger that often come up in metal lyrics, but not so much in our every day lives. I'm not completely happy about the theme relates to the image in the second verse, so any comments on that would be welcome.

The Chasm Closes

Surround yourself with danger:
tropes of peril and approaching calamity
rap crusted knuckles on the door,
their shadows haunt the windows,
lurking behind drawn curtains like
the nemesis of a recurring nightmare,
pulling you down into that
claustrophobic chasm of self.

Here, a wolf treks between the trees,
leaving prints in the snow:
down on the ground, he is making a map
for those above to capture him.
Each step is uncertain,
a passage to ravines, dark shrubs,
deep water in which he could perish;
threats hide in the trees and,
from the sky, his winding tracks
on virgin white are all too plain.
Yet, as he hears the howls
and is surrounded,
the chasm closes and danger stalks away
.


The last few lines are pretty awesome and sounds very destructive.

Thank you so much for your feedback, actually. :)

I do write plenty of poetry and lyrics which I do it more-or-less for fun and try to convey different of topics.

Mona Lisa Eating a Donut

How surreal!
When Mona Lisa just drops into your local coffee shop
And orders a strawberry glazed donut
She even pays for her order
Goes outside and into the park
And munches on her dessert

How surreal!
When Mona Lisa goes home
Makes herself a warm cup of hot cocoa
And watches stuff on Netflix
Just chillin' all by herself
Havin' a good time

After all set and done
She just enjoys doing the stuff that we all do
Before she goes back to her painting
And have another century or two of slumber

Now, you're imagining Mona Lisa
With an iPad and an iPod
Like you and I, eh?
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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 148
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2019 4:07 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Here's one I wrote about those themes of darkness and danger that often come up in metal lyrics, but not so much in our every day lives. I'm not completely happy about the theme relates to the image in the second verse, so any comments on that would be welcome.

The Chasm Closes
Maybe it would have been better if you built entire poem around wolf, so that reader can identify with it without being focused on himself right at the beginning: ''Surround yourself with danger.''

simonitro wrote:
Mona Lisa Eating a Donut
This is weird and entertaining. It could be understood that Mona Lisa represents people who saw her in Louvre and than went outside and continued their plain, everyday life. In other words, Mona Lisa does not literary leave the painting, but travels as a mental picture (in people's brains). I'm glad that you ridiculed her in a way because I don't like that painting at all. The Scream of Nature, ''an icon of modern art, a Mona Lisa for our time'' is the right thing:
Spoiler: show
Image
Edvard Munch wrote a simple, accompanying poem:
Quote:
I was walking along the road with two friends
The Sun was setting – the Sky turned blood-red.
And I felt a wave of Sadness – I paused
tired to Death – Above the blue-black
Fjord and City Blood and Flaming tongues hovered

My friends walked on – I stayed
behind – quaking with Angst – I
felt the great Scream in Nature
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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 530
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2019 12:55 am 
 

Osore wrote:
gasmask_colostomy wrote:
The Chasm Closes
Maybe it would have been better if you built entire poem around wolf, so that reader can identify with it without being focused on himself right at the beginning: ''Surround yourself with danger.''

I think you’re right about that. I actually didn’t want to portray that first line as an order, but now I can see how it can be interpreted. I like the imagery a lot in the second verse, so I might alter the first.

Osore wrote:
simonitro wrote:
Mona Lisa Eating a Donut
This is weird and entertaining. It could be understood that Mona Lisa represents people who saw her in Louvre and than went outside and continued their plain, everyday life. In other words, Mona Lisa does not literary leave the painting, but travels as a mental picture (in people's brains). I'm glad that you ridiculed her in a way because I don't like that painting at all.

Ah, I’m not too keen on this one, unless the reading is supposed to be as Osore says above. It’s true that a lot of people do visit famous works of art like Mona Lisa and then totally forget about it two minutes later, but I’m not sure that’s what you’re going for. It feels like one of those poems where you thought of a cool title and then didn’t really put too much extra creativity into making the poem imaginative after that. In particular, those two exclamations of “How surreal!” don’t sit well with me, because that’s a feeling that should be hugely obvious from the context. Maybe you could do something more specific with Mona Lisa, like get her to take Instagram selfies with a provocative half-smile.

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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 148
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2019 2:53 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Maybe you could do something more specific with Mona Lisa, like get her to take Instagram selfies with a provocative half-smile.
...to give a new meaning to the resting bitch face. ;)
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simonitro
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:41 pm
Posts: 341
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PostPosted: Wed May 22, 2019 11:15 pm 
 

59
(This is a song lyrics that I've written today and I guess, you could still count it as "poetry" in a sense.)

And for less than a minute
I just learned to live
And for less than a minute
I just knew how to DIE

And for less than a minute
I understood your love
And for less than a minute
You bathed me with thine spite

As the clock strikes me down
From the heavens
I fall from my own grace
When I though I had thine adoration
All have been betrayed
By the eyes of red
Hearts shall bled
Tonight

And for less than a minute
I have to wait for you
And for less than a minute
I shall welcome eternity

And for less than a minute
The world goes blind
And for less than a minute
I can never...
UNDERSTAND

(Guitar Solo 1)

This is our world
It keeps on spinning
Over and over again
Never release me from this pain

This is our world
Worth the bringing
Can I shed a tear to thee
I SHALL NEVER SEE
AGONIZE ME

AGONIZE ME
AGONIZE ME
ONE LAST ETERNITY

(Guitar Solo 2)

And for just less than a minute
You gave me the kiss of death
And for just less than a minute
I can smell that final breath

And for just less than a minute
I was seeking the ultimate truth
And for just less than a minute
I CAN SCREAM TO THE HEAVENS
I SHALL ETERNALLY LOVE YOU!

(Outro Guitar Solo)
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DividerOfShadows
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2016 1:58 pm
Posts: 369
Location: Croatia
PostPosted: Sun Jun 16, 2019 1:15 pm 
 

Fellow gentlemen, I'm very sorry for not replying to you for the longest time. I was caught up in various things related to college and... Well, I'm sure you can understand. I have written some new poems in the meantime, but now I'll just concentrate on replying to y'all.

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
This one is definitely in your style, since the images are really strong and yet strangely sort of float into each other, a lot of impossible things happening due to the verbs. It gives the poem a kind of "all is one" significance. Most of the imagery matches really well and could come up in dreams, while a few words wake me up a little at times. I think my favourite line is "a heart pierced by a feather", which I can actually feel happening when I read. On the other hand, you may have overused adverbs, since we get some odd use of 'aimlessly' and 'voraciously' later in the poem.

I'd sort of like to set you a challenge for a future poem. Maybe you could take your current style, with all the loosely connecting dream imagery, and see if you can add weight to a few distinct images. Describe them for more than a line or two, I mean. It might make you think differently if you allowed some verses to become a bit longer, because many of them are held back to four lines and I think they don't need to be. See what happens if you dwell on some parts more, and maybe they will surprise you with how rich a single part of the imagery can be.


As always, thank you for your comments! Well, while I was writing the poem, I didn't feel like those adverbs you mention were out of place, maybe because I was trying to find the proper words to describe what I was seeing in my mind's eye. The "aimless dancing" - I think I was going for the notion of arbitrariness, that the thoughts and memories were crashing into each other with no apparent pattern. Maybe "voraciously try", in hindsight, could have been put in a better way; there I was trying to highlight and strengthen the idea of pressure, drive or urge.

Whoa, that's going to be quite a tough challenge, but I'll try to write something along those lines. I'm always for trying something new (at least when it comes to writing), but y'know, I don't want my experiments to appear subpar or something.

Osore wrote:
I have a feeling that it will sound better if you transform it into prose.
Dramatic and grandiose actions in the poem seem to result in some kind of personal epiphany. I don't know how to feel about this because images slip my mind. If you have something similar in Croatian, feel free to send me.
I'll give you an advice that was given to me 7 years ago: Try to avoid 'big words' in poetry (transience, fate, love, misanthropy, freedom etc.), efektnije je kada to dočaraš stilskim sredstvima. Of course, many old poets used it excessively, as well as stars, heart and other nouns in a similar manner you use them, which might be legitimate here because the poem has the sacral/spiritual (>old) theme. Judging from your previous poems as well, you are capable of creating desired atmosphere and tone. Now you should play more with the structure/form and the use of those frequent poetic nouns (like stars) in a different way. For example, divine river keeps building a bridge/Between the fractured stars can be transformed into divine river keeps stitching/scattered (pulsations of) stars (this is where we need to be cautious not to overdo alliteration). You have a potential to speckle the poem with some literary devices to enhance the atmosphere and give it the authentic twist, which doesn't have to mean 'surrealist' or 'weird'.
Please don't accept this as an authoritarian guide from a skilful (khm) poet. I've been looking though my little collection and everything screams edit & revise. For now I managed to revise one poem and to delete another. Facepalm.


Thank you for your advice! I believe I was trying to introduce motifs like "heart" in an effort to battle my previously unfounded notion about such words being sissy, frail and too overused - I think that all stems from me having heard some god-awful pop songs and having read poetry I instantaneously disliked - like Petrarca's works. However, when I discovered Romantic poetry and saw that such poems can indeed appear strong, interesting and striking, my opinion changed. So this was my attempt to explore the vocabulary I had never used before and see what came out of it.

In conclusion, I see that both of you would want to read something a bit more experimental from me and I fully understand. I've been writing this way ever since my final year at high school, when I was introduced to avant-garde poetry, so it's time to step into some newer areas. I'll try to pull that off, at least.

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Here's one I wrote about those themes of darkness and danger that often come up in metal lyrics, but not so much in our every day lives. I'm not completely happy about the theme relates to the image in the second verse, so any comments on that would be welcome.

The Chasm Closes

Surround yourself with danger:
tropes of peril and approaching calamity
rap crusted knuckles on the door,
their shadows haunt the windows,
lurking behind drawn curtains like
the nemesis of a recurring nightmare,
pulling you down into that
claustrophobic chasm of self.

Here, a wolf treks between the trees,
leaving prints in the snow:
down on the ground, he is making a map
for those above to capture him.
Each step is uncertain,
a passage to ravines, dark shrubs,
deep water in which he could perish;
threats hide in the trees and,
from the sky, his winding tracks
on virgin white are all too plain.
Yet, as he hears the howls
and is surrounded,
the chasm closes and danger stalks away.


I'd say that the first verse is very effective in portraying the idea of danger, aura of fear and of a heart racing fast. The second verse is kind of incongruous with the first, mainly because of a sharp contrast between the indoors and the outdoors, and it seems like I'm reading two different poems compiled into one. The first verse gives a sense of dread, fright, like there's something pursuing the lyrical subject, whereas in the second one I get stronger feelings of solitude and an uncertain future. Have you perchance written it in two separate sessions or was this on purpose? But I have to commend you on one thing, and that is the line "from the sky, his winding tracks/on virgin white are all too plain." I found it very striking and original, as it carries the notion of solitude and loneliness perfectly, and yet it's implicitly expressed. All in all, not too shabby :)
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Earthcubed wrote:
CradleOfBurzum, about the new Summoning album snippet, wrote:
I was hoping for some material that resembles closer to "Lugburz"


And I'm still hoping for Katy Perry to do another Christian album.


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DividerOfShadows
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2016 1:58 pm
Posts: 369
Location: Croatia
PostPosted: Sun Jun 16, 2019 1:31 pm 
 

simonitro wrote:
59
(This is a song lyrics that I've written today and I guess, you could still count it as "poetry" in a sense.)

Spoiler: show
And for less than a minute
I just learned to live
And for less than a minute
I just knew how to DIE

And for less than a minute
I understood your love
And for less than a minute
You bathed me with thine spite

As the clock strikes me down
From the heavens
I fall from my own grace
When I though I had thine adoration
All have been betrayed
By the eyes of red
Hearts shall bled
Tonight

And for less than a minute
I have to wait for you
And for less than a minute
I shall welcome eternity

And for less than a minute
The world goes blind
And for less than a minute
I can never...
UNDERSTAND

(Guitar Solo 1)

This is our world
It keeps on spinning
Over and over again
Never release me from this pain

This is our world
Worth the bringing
Can I shed a tear to thee
I SHALL NEVER SEE
AGONIZE ME

AGONIZE ME
AGONIZE ME
ONE LAST ETERNITY

(Guitar Solo 2)

And for just less than a minute
You gave me the kiss of death
And for just less than a minute
I can smell that final breath

And for just less than a minute
I was seeking the ultimate truth
And for just less than a minute
I CAN SCREAM TO THE HEAVENS
I SHALL ETERNALLY LOVE YOU!

(Outro Guitar Solo)


First of all, those stanzas containing "And for (just) less than a minute/I..." strongly remind me of Paradise Lost's "One Second", I don't know whether that was intentional or completely inadvertent.

The lyrical subject in your poem is brimming with frustration, probably due to an unrequited love. I'd say it's okay for what it's worth if you wanted to concentrate on that, but otherwise I think such a topic could've been written in a much more eloquent way, so to speak, because I see a lot of common motifs that appear in many bands' lyrics so it doesn't really strike me as being outrageously creative. Don't take it personally, maybe it's just that I'm not very into that way of writing anymore.
_________________
Earthcubed wrote:
CradleOfBurzum, about the new Summoning album snippet, wrote:
I was hoping for some material that resembles closer to "Lugburz"


And I'm still hoping for Katy Perry to do another Christian album.


My Last.fm

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 530
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2019 5:33 am 
 

DividerOfShadows wrote:
Fellow gentlemen, I'm very sorry for not replying to you for the longest time. I was caught up in various things related to college and... Well, I'm sure you can understand. I have written some new poems in the meantime, but now I'll just concentrate on replying to y'all.

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
The Chasm Closes


I'd say that the first verse is very effective in portraying the idea of danger, aura of fear and of a heart racing fast. The second verse is kind of incongruous with the first, mainly because of a sharp contrast between the indoors and the outdoors, and it seems like I'm reading two different poems compiled into one. The first verse gives a sense of dread, fright, like there's something pursuing the lyrical subject, whereas in the second one I get stronger feelings of solitude and an uncertain future. Have you perchance written it in two separate sessions or was this on purpose? But I have to commend you on one thing, and that is the line "from the sky, his winding tracks/on virgin white are all too plain." I found it very striking and original, as it carries the notion of solitude and loneliness perfectly, and yet it's implicitly expressed. All in all, not too shabby :)

Hey, glad you're back! The real world has a way of stealing time from us like that.

However, I'm glad you've had a critical look at my oldie, because I feel that schism between the two parts. They were written in one sitting, though the second verse was more of an illustration for the first verse, trying to show how we sometimes draw all that darkness and danger to ourselves, but really it's nonsense and we are nothing other than wolves fearing our own shadows, or other wolves. I don't think that's obvious from how it ended up. The line you picked out actually harks back to a lot of earlier writing I did where paranoia was a much stronger element - like, who the hell is watching a wolf from above? But I should probably redo that one if I want it to be decent.

I don't have anything with me right now to post, so maybe you or another of the guys would like to share something?

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Luvers666
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 10:34 pm
Posts: 216
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:32 pm 
 

I wrote this poem a few years ago, had a little help with it, but it is one I am proud of. It is a little long but hopefully that does not disinterest the prose.

Should I unite the dots?
The ones laid erratic
Concrete
Grimly drawn

Carefully placed
Theoretical lines atop
Blank canvas
Intersecting blindly

~*~

I learned to notice the cracks
The ground, riddled with design
Nothing else to do when forced there
Face down
Cold…

Restrained by intense detail
Sensory encumber
Inner essence
Branded - scalded

Blood trailing
Fitting lines red
Sticky milieu
Traverse fluently

~*~

I picked at the cracks with tiny hands
The chaotic lines, the only comfort
As restraints keep me pinned here
Face in blood
Colder…

No face to behold
The eyes that shown
Horrid cowardice
Pitiless - faceless

Callous as granite
Encrusted talons clasping this young
Obscene, mildew
Defaming youthful girlish skin

~*~

Could hear the ticking of a wristwatch
Steady rhythm, as if balance - regularity
To keep vigilant as skin tears
Oh, the agony
Coldest…

* * *

It was a long harsh sinner
Reality, derisive - cruel
Those hours persisted evermore


The smell of dirt was deep
A little choking
Grass was irritating
Masking as a quilt
Grasped in my vast hands
As anguish elevated
Kissing the pavement
Ants scurried by

It was near twilight
The dark is easier to hide
Just how to derange a life
Thoughts of positive things
Items that a youthful mind would know
What else to do within the horror?

Pressure, prisoner of flames
Leaving a mark, a shattering shame

* * *

The awkward completion
Pressure became spasms
Silence
Fear immobilization

Shaken and ashamed
Accepting all fault
Empty field
Shed so ugly

~*~

Soon after, overgrowth cloaked those cracks
Covering them with a powerful design
And made the life never return there
Face up
Warm…

Propelled by garish detail
The body did grow
Enormous and
Wronged - scalded

Blood boiling
Vision going red
Sticky milieu
Traverse fluently

~*~

Removed the cracks with powerful hands
Those chaotic lines, now are hideous
Sensing they had kept pinned here
Exonerating the perpetrator
Warmer…

But I knew your face
Your eyes were no stranger
A misunderstanding error
Or heartless and soulless?

Standing - looking down at the stone
Immense but still naive
Trying to overcome
Often humbled

~*~

To now hear that ticking of watch
Seemed pleasant then - distressing
And emit a groan as my eyes fill with tears
Oh, the pain
Checkmate…
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