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camjr01
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat May 26, 2018 10:34 pm
Posts: 101
PostPosted: Thu Dec 17, 2020 8:22 pm 
 

Mods, just curious- what's the most confusing, nonsensical, random, incomprehensible review you've ever seen? Preferably something that could make r/wtf.

Sorry if this has already been asked, I just found this thread though and lots of these are hilarious. Also, I was inspired to ask this by the images I'm quoting- check the spoilers.


Spoiler: show
Derigin wrote:
Image


Spoiler: show
Derigin wrote:
Image
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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
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Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu Dec 17, 2020 9:21 pm 
 

Over the years I think I've gained the deepest appreciation for this one.

Metantoine wrote:
Image
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Inkshooter
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:55 pm
Posts: 1062
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2020 3:15 am 
 

The messaging is very direct.
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Slater922
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2020 6:24 pm
Posts: 922
PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2020 8:00 am 
 

BastardHead wrote:
Over the years I think I've gained the deepest appreciation for this one.

Metantoine wrote:
Image

Not sure why this was rejected. If you translate the review from Horse Cockenese, you can see that the reviewer goes in depth in the music.
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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5869
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Jan 09, 2021 10:38 am 
 

Image
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Sean16
Moody Tabulator of Torn Hymens

Joined: Sat May 07, 2005 11:03 am
Posts: 349
Location: France
PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 9:14 am 
 

Nice to see the mods keep on feeding this thread from time to time. Always been my guilty pleasure every time I browse this board.

My favourite, however, are ridiculously dithyrambic reviews written by bandmembers themselves, who write a handful of pompous paragraphs to explain how their insignificant bedroom project is revolutionizing black metal. Much too rare, alas, but there are a few instances to be found in the remote pages of the thread.

If you wonder, see below what I mean (found by Gutterscream if I remember well). Even the band was too kvlt to be kept on the Archives.

Spoiler: show
Forgotten (in the chamber) - 100%
Written by Necroworshipper on July 3rd, 2008

It always exists "before", "during" and "after". "Before", "during" and "after" of the black metal it has a single name: Caligulae Crucis.

This demo, maybe the first today known testimony of band the cult for excellence, represents a mystic ceremony from the evil Obducto.zx and Brutus474.

Before the time. Before the space. Before the pain. Before all there's just the dwelling of the nothing. The empty reign of the silence that annihilates everything. This is the beginning of "Forgotten (in the chamber)": more than 10 minutes of silence.

An heavy silence, the silence of the solitude of a young abandoned girl. Bound, tightened from infernal ropes. The silence of who has finished the tears. A silence of fear and a horror.

The cerimony is beginning. Dark noises, heavy steps, screams of a girl who not dare to imagine what is going to happen. Screams that are calling a god, that is impotent in front of the absolute evil.

Down in the deep abyss of the human soul. Down in the darker evil. Down until the heart of perversion. Down where no God dares to turn its look. Down in the cellar of torture and pleasure.

The door is now opened. Brutus474 and Obducto.zx give beginning to the dances. To speak about black metal is reductive. To associate this masterpiece to other productions of the sort is an insult. This is not a production for the heart weak people, the weak spirit people and those people who believe that black metal is JUST music.

This is the first shot of the album that Caligulae Crucis direct to all the "baby blakie" that think to play black metal or to live black metal or to be black metal.

By just this shot Caligulae Crucis demolish a decade of extreme music and send to bed the "unholy fathers". If a dogma 95 of the black metal exists, it would be "Forgotten". If a manifesto of extreme music exists, Caligulae Crucis would be the single authors. If it existed testamente of all this, nobody would be never a worthy heir.

The complains, the screams, the laughs, the obsessing riffing, the tortures, the coitus, the cum, the paranoid, the hurts, the blood, the rape, the total evil, the humid cellar.

This is "during". This is the life that you would want to never live. This is your prison. This is the suffering. This is what you have attended in hush. This is the alive heart heart of the universe. The evil meant like pure force, scope of the same creation. The evil that rises to the role of vital lymph of the entire universe. The evil that exercises its dominion in secret, ready to hit anyone.

"During" continues in the second track. It continues where the many could not be never pushed. The animal fury that has animated the first track has ended. The bad creator force leaves the field to the evil that destroys, that it annihilates, than takes the right of life and dead. "Chained and forgotten" is the hallucinatory testimony of a human reduced in slavery.

While the riffing is becoming more heavy, Brutus474 gags the object of its perverted pleasure. The duet chained again the girl.

This great song continues between lashes, sexual harassments and violence, until the only things that can be heard are a closing door, far steps and a despairing complain. A tearful complain that slowly vanish until the ceremony is concluded in the same way in which was begun: a chilling hush.

The ceremony is ended. The circle is closed. The "after" scares more than the "during". The genius of this band does not have equal.

After to have listened "Forgotten (in the chamber)" nobody can come back. After to have understood the meaning of the works of the Caliguale Crucis it is impossible also think to compare them to others exponents of extreme music. After Caligulae Crucis there is the nothing.

There is no salvation. There is no redention. There is no mercyful god.

This is a masterpiece for little elect ones. A unhuman portrait and metaphor of the truth.
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lord_ghengis
Still Standing After 38 Beers... hic

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5753
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Wed Jan 13, 2021 6:02 pm 
 

Not gonna lie, I cracked up at "the coitus, the cum".
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Morn Of Solace
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 01, 2014 2:19 am
Posts: 2304
PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:36 am 
 

That band was a prank by the truemetal.it forum admins, the review was probably written by them: i'll recognize that kind of broken english anywhere!

edit: i checked out, is an hilarious word for word translation of an italian review... not that it makes more sense in it's original language :lol:

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Sean16
Moody Tabulator of Torn Hymens

Joined: Sat May 07, 2005 11:03 am
Posts: 349
Location: France
PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2021 10:49 am 
 

Interesting... so, the band itself was a fake. I won't pretend I'm surprised :lol: It still managed to be accepted on the site for a (presumably) short time, though. I mean the band, not the review, obviously.
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Some grotesque Italian band wrote:
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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5869
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2021 12:07 am 
 

Image

Image
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R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5869
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2021 10:45 am 
 

Something a little bit different...

Image
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R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10283
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2021 10:51 am 
 

Quote:
This kind of "we are all in this together" horseshit rhetoric is setting back intelligent civilization back 1000 years


The fact that humans are a social, cooperative, communal species is literally the entire reason we created civilization and have dominated the globe for thousands of eons you numbskull.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 30225
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2021 12:17 pm 
 

Just looked up the lyrics to that song he's reviewing and it's a pretty light hearted joke song about the pandemic... so of course some vapid shit eater has to make it into a political thing bitching and whining about "freedom" or whatever...

"Rock bands playing along with the government" - yeah how dare they not want to keep a deadly pandemic going by doing shows right now, the fuckin' sellouts.

And the slavery comparison - Jesus Christ what a tool.
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EzraBlumenfeld
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2017 12:50 pm
Posts: 422
Location: Land of No Return
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2021 2:35 pm 
 

My IQ dropped by about 100 points while reading that
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Subrick
Metal Strongman

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 9907
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2021 3:43 pm 
 

Lemmy was not a dumb cunt, unlike that guy up there, therefore he probably would be on board with masks if he was alive today.
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Cosmic_Equilibrium
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Jul 18, 2014 2:03 pm
Posts: 526
PostPosted: Sat Mar 27, 2021 5:59 pm 
 

Derigin wrote:
Something a little bit different...

Spoiler: show
Image


I didn't know Jon Schaffer still had access to the Internet.

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severzhavnost
Something Stupid

Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:16 pm
Posts: 2947
Location: Ottawa
PostPosted: Fri Apr 09, 2021 10:44 pm 
 

My favourites are those that spend whole paragraphs talking about something completely unrelated, like this one:
Have you ever had Kimchi Waffle?
Kimchi Waffle was made by the World Institute of Kimchi in South Korea.
It’s so powerful that your stomachs will damn.
Bulgogi Kimchi Bibimbap waffle burger! Holy shit! litterally shit!

I also like kimchi, but this was not even an attempt at metaphor in a review. It’s more like, I dunno, product advertising? :lol:
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rejected review wrote:
Have you ever had Kimchi Waffle?
Kimchi Waffle was made by World Institute of Kimchi in South Korea.
It’s so powerful that your stomachs will damn.
Bulgogi Kimchi Bibimbap waffle burger! Holy shit! litterally shit!

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MRmehman
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 1:34 pm
Posts: 605
Location: Painted World of Ariamis
PostPosted: Sat May 08, 2021 7:58 pm 
 

Derigin wrote:
Something a little bit different...

Spoiler: show
Image

This is on the same level as HORSE COCK, easily.
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darkeningday
xXdArKenIngDayXx

Joined: Mon Aug 23, 2004 1:20 pm
Posts: 5744
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2021 12:14 pm 
 

The content was the same but for self-awareness, Horse Cock Man easily takes home the Reily Reid Fleshlight prize, even though NTT could clearly put it to better use.
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ambientsorrow wrote:
Pretty rubbish, I must say. Certainly not worth the hype behind it. Boring and predictable. A band for 14-22 year olds.

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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 5566
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2021 6:53 pm 
 

Cosmic_Equilibrium wrote:
Derigin wrote:
Something a little bit different...

Spoiler: show
Image


I didn't know Jon Schaffer still had access to the Internet.

When I searched this guy's profile on MA, I found his tag come up on the saved searches meaning he definitely did something embarrassing in the past.

Turns out it was on the forum like 4 years ago: viewtopic.php?p=2745944#p2745944
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BastardHead wrote:
wizard_of_bore wrote:
Glen Benton had a Bigfoot sighting in Florida


This has been debunked. He actually just saw Erik Rutan.

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ᴎostalgiʞK
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Mar 01, 2014 1:27 pm
Posts: 308
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Wed Jul 28, 2021 11:50 pm 
 

Wilytank wrote:
Cosmic_Equilibrium wrote:
Derigin wrote:
Something a little bit different...

Spoiler: show
Image


I didn't know Jon Schaffer still had access to the Internet.

When I searched this guy's profile on MA, I found his tag come up on the saved searches meaning he definitely did something embarrassing in the past.

Turns out it was on the forum like 4 years ago: viewtopic.php?p=2745944#p2745944


Holy shit this libertwatians are here in MA too?
"wow so indoctrinated, everyone is socialist but me, blabla taxes are bad blabla dont tread on me gadsden flag"
Sheeeesh, i thought that the edgy nsbm kids were a meme already..
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