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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10241
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2018 2:45 am 
 

Cat III wrote:
BastardHead wrote:
What I choose to review is based entirely on whether or not I can quote Futurama in the title.

What, are you too good for The Simpsons?


I'm not good enough for The Simpsons!
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Acrobat
Eric Olthwaite

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:53 am
Posts: 8582
Location: York, North Yorkshire
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2018 9:48 am 
 

Exactly! Futurama - at its best - can only compete with middling great era Simpsons.
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Uncolored wrote:
non 80's wodos members are enemies of teutonic beatles hairstyle thrash


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Cat III
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:44 am
Posts: 362
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2018 2:50 am 
 

I remember there was a big Twitter argument about which series was better and someone said it was telling that The Simpsons side was citing episodes from decades ago, which is like saying Power Trip is better than Metallica because Load exists. Still mad respect goes to Futurama. Bender and Zoidberg alone make it worthwhile.

On topic, I'd say any reviewer who uses insulting nicknames for bands they don't like is a good contender for someone who doesn't deserve attention. At most these are funny once, but usually just elicit eye-rolls. My favorite example is "BUGGER FOR MY SHITLENTINE" (caps are the writer's, not mine) from this abomination. Took me awhile to figure out who he was referring to, which, I dunno, seems counterintuitive for a review. I'd also like to point out that "shitlentine" is not a word, and even by the standards of the hellscape that is modern portmanteaus, it's fucking awful.
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KrigareTjovane
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 2:06 am
Posts: 400
Location: The Shadow Mountains 1983 A.D.
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 8:22 pm 
 

BloodIronBeer. Regardless of his opinion about the Warbringer single he just reviewed, the review is filled with ignorance, petty insults, poor writing, and a general feeling that he doesn't actually know what he's talking about.

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nuklearkrieg
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 11:05 pm
Posts: 80
PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2018 10:27 am 
 

I'd like to throw in the latest guy giving primitive BM classics an edgy "0%", as well as all the other touristy reviewers who did the same in this list.

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blackblood666
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2007 10:42 am
Posts: 124
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 3:02 pm 
 

nuklearkrieg wrote:
I'd like to throw in the latest guy giving primitive BM classics an edgy "0%", as well as all the other touristy reviewers who did the same in this list.


Is this the guy who is giving all of Burzum's releases 0% and all of Mayhem's releases 100%? Pretty transparent.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1144
Location: Behind the wall of fire v.2
PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2018 11:24 am 
 

Orbitball is really disappointing for a reviewer with over 200 write-ups. He doesn't describe the music with much detail (just read his review of the new Pig Destroyer where it sounds like he's writing as he listens for the first time), generally heads for popular albums, and gives very generous scores that almost always follow the crowd. A lot of the reviews also read like adverts, ending with a line like, "Buy it now!"

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Required Fields
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:32 pm
Posts: 879
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2018 10:00 pm 
 

TheMeh wrote:
Cat III wrote:
I like review titles, though I have to admit it can be a real pain to come up with a good one. Sometimes the wordplay throws itself into my lap ("Speak Engrish or Die" for the S.O.D./Yellow Machinegun split). Other times, it's forced ("I Want It Painted Yellow" for Yellow Machinegun's Yellow Bucket) and a few probably go over most readers' heads ("Door of Unholy Spirits" for All Hell's The Grave Alchemist and "Still Eager for Booty, but No Longer Foaming" for Pungent Stench's Club Mondo Bizarre).


Usually it just comes down to how creative you're feeling about it. Or, at least, that's how I've come to find it. It's part of the reason I think bitterman's got some laughable review titles. It's part of his flair and draws people in.

(not saying bitterman's good, but gotta give him at least a little credit there)


I came in to mention him.

https://www.metal-archives.com/user-reviews/bitterman

All but one review of his is a 0%.
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Cat III
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:44 am
Posts: 362
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2018 12:49 am 
 

Bitterman is a joke who sucks. I think that opinion is unanimous. A useful heuristic: if a reviewer has at least a decent amount of reviews (say 30-40) and the scores are mostly, or wholly, high or low, chances are good they're a poor reviewer. Same deal if they have a wider variety of scores, but they're all between 0-20% or 80-100%. Admittedly, average and middling albums are the hardest to write reviews for and people who aren't professionals will be more compelled to voice their opinions about albums that evoke strong feelings, but if you're going to write as many reviews as a paid critic, it's not expecting too much for you to learn how to describe something in moderate terms.
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Subrick
Metal Strongman

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 9786
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2018 10:58 pm 
 

I'm honestly surprised his reviews weren't completely wiped from the site when people started noticing that he was changing all of them to 0% just to get a rise out of people. He was pretty clearly a troll reviewer before (remember that his user bio had some nonsense about how metal died because At the Gates stopped writing stuff that sounded like The Red in the Sky is Ours), but that just confirmed it. Then he got banned, and all his troll reviews are still up.
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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10241
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2018 11:41 pm 
 

Subrick wrote:
Then he got banned


Let's not perpetuate this rumor, he was never banned, he was just the first guy to figure out the loophole to allow you to "delete" your account before that was an actual feature (by changing his email address but never clicking the new confirmation link). This is DMU's favorite narrative and he's even popped up there to tell them that's not what happened but they don't care.

His reviews were never deleted because his writing was fine (if obnoxious) and we don't really police taste, there's no rule against being a grumpy asshole who hates everything. Though yeah I agree that we probably should've done something once he changed all of his scores to zero. People who weren't around at the time probably don't realize that he had scores as high as 40% but started incrementally lowering everything once he started getting attention until everything was a 0%. That sort of thing is trolling in my eyes, simply hating everything is stupid but not exactly trolling in itself.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 29649
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2018 11:49 pm 
 

His reviews were everything wrong with the old "internet cynical ranting" thing. I feel bad I was ever a part of that stuff. Not every single thing has to be the worst shit ever created.
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Cat III
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:44 am
Posts: 362
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2018 3:46 am 
 

The Angry Video Game Nerd did inspire legions of insufferable copycats, but at least they try to play up the angle "this is crazy hyperbole for comedic effect". Bitterman, based on the reviews I read, seemed more like the "get off my lawn" type. Reminds me of Armond White, in that I think he could be a talented and interesting reviewer were he not hellbent on proving his superiority.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1144
Location: Behind the wall of fire v.2
PostPosted: Fri Apr 19, 2019 11:09 am 
 

Lord_Of_Diamonds - just read the one for Coma of Souls and you'll know why. Already discussed in the main thread.

EdmundSackbauer - despite sharing a first name, I can't get behind his overscored but totally generic write-ups for every album.

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UltraBoris
Speed Metal Satan

Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2002 10:52 pm
Posts: 114
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Mon Apr 22, 2019 3:46 am 
 

avoid UltraBoris. he is a feces. I mean he made grand toast of master of puppets and what has he listened to twice in the last week? gosh, it's awful, the hypocrisy of his stance.

(cannot kill the battery!)
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TheMeh
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2014 10:18 pm
Posts: 54
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:48 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Lord_Of_Diamonds - just read the one for Coma of Souls and you'll know why. Already discussed in the main thread.


I kind of have to second this - although I hate having to actively attack someone. Because he HAS some good reviews. But I do see where some of his bad side lies.

What's worse to me is that he has the gall to go after others in the "Why was this review submitted" post. Which, yes, I get that's the point, but some of the stuff he says really doesn't have a place in that post.
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ᴎostalgiʞK
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Mar 01, 2014 1:27 pm
Posts: 258
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2020 10:10 am 
 

TheMeh wrote:
gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Lord_Of_Diamonds - just read the one for Coma of Souls and you'll know why. Already discussed in the main thread.


I kind of have to second this - although I hate having to actively attack someone. Because he HAS some good reviews. But I do see where some of his bad side lies.

What's worse to me is that he has the gall to go after others in the "Why was this review submitted" post. Which, yes, I get that's the point, but some of the stuff he says really doesn't have a place in that post.


I'm going to third that...

The only thing I can understand from that review are blasts of puke condemning Kreator for being a delusional Metallica rip-off while the contradiction between the good musicianship (which he does not specify at all) and the drummer is HUGE, what I took from that review is the conception of him about being a solid, fantastic thrash band, which may condemn the "leftish, crust punk" lyrics and talk all about torture, rape, murder, etc... After he mentioned that this is a pure rip-off I start thinking he really didn't listened to Metallica if so... Just trying to draw attention with right-wing ideas? Lord of Diamond is really strange with his review, I don't consider him as a serious writer, just someone who loves us to write about him on this forum... :P
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Slater922
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2020 6:24 pm
Posts: 747
PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2021 1:36 pm 
 

I guess Anus_Canis is another reviewer to avoid.

He's not the worst reviewer I've seen, but a lot of his opinions are weird. Like, who gives St. Anger a perfect 100 while giving all the other albums 90s? He also used the word "yeet" in one of his review titles, which is pretty cringy. And don't even get me started on those Pantera reviews...
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terrr
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2020 11:44 am
Posts: 7
Location: Turkey
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2021 5:33 pm 
 

Slater922 wrote:
I guess Anus_Canis is another reviewer to avoid.

He's not the worst reviewer I've seen, but a lot of his opinions are weird. Like, who gives St. Anger a perfect 100 while giving all the other albums 90s? He also used the word "yeet" in one of his review titles, which is pretty cringy. And don't even get me started on those Pantera reviews...

Seconded. The little guy makes me feel quite ashamed of liking Pantera and Metallica.


Last edited by terrr on Sun Jan 31, 2021 6:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Lord_Of_Diamonds
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:23 pm
Posts: 609
Location: Asheville area, NC, US
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2021 5:36 pm 
 

His review writing style is incredibly cringy but I'm willing to give him a chance. He's obviously very new at the art of writing reviews, and just needs some time to figure out a better way to express his thoughts in writing. I was that way once too. I didn't really have a way nailed down to express my thoughts on music in an intelligent manner, so even my positive reviews from my early days as a reviewer are pretty bad.
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Saying that Bolt Thrower suck is like saying the guys at capital hill did nothing wrong, they only protected America.

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King_of_Arnor
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Oct 10, 2020 12:35 pm
Posts: 104
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sat Feb 06, 2021 10:39 pm 
 

Now he's added Lars Ulrich bashing (outside his Metallica reviews no less) to his repertoire, which is very ironic given that he was perfectly willing to overlook a major flaw of St Anger (the drums) to give it a 100.

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Lord_Of_Diamonds
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:23 pm
Posts: 609
Location: Asheville area, NC, US
PostPosted: Mon Feb 08, 2021 11:54 pm 
 

King_of_Arnor wrote:
Now he's added Lars Ulrich bashing (outside his Metallica reviews no less) to his repertoire, which is very ironic given that he was perfectly willing to overlook a major flaw of St Anger (the drums) to give it a 100.

But... but... St. Anger's drums worked so perfectly because they were a profound artistic representation of all the trouble the band was going through at the time!
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Svarthavid wrote:
Saying that Bolt Thrower suck is like saying the guys at capital hill did nothing wrong, they only protected America.

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KrigareTjovane
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2013 2:06 am
Posts: 400
Location: The Shadow Mountains 1983 A.D.
PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2021 10:03 pm 
 

And the anus just keeps on leaking.

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MetalManiaCometh
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2017 12:32 am
Posts: 10
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Feb 24, 2021 3:36 pm 
 

Yeeeeeaaahhhh I have to agree with some other users regarding Anus_Canis, just pretty poor all around. I get the feeling when reading his reviews that he / she says a lot of things but without actually SAYING anything, if you catch my drift. Even with scoring for some albums that I can somewhat agree with; the actual contents of the reviews come off as poor and super cringey. Not saying my stuff is really good but good god man.

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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 29649
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Wed Feb 24, 2021 3:59 pm 
 

The reasons why this AC dude's reviews are weak apply to a lot of reviews here in general though. Most people are pretty bad at reviewing when they start and take time to learn how to do it right.
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Lord_Of_Diamonds
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:23 pm
Posts: 609
Location: Asheville area, NC, US
PostPosted: Thu Mar 11, 2021 3:06 am 
 

AC's writing is amateur and annoying (see the use of "bruh", "yeet", and other vague adjectives), but I say just give him a chance to get good at what he does.
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Svarthavid wrote:
Saying that Bolt Thrower suck is like saying the guys at capital hill did nothing wrong, they only protected America.

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lord_ghengis
Still Standing After 38 Beers... hic

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5751
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Thu Mar 11, 2021 7:17 pm 
 

I'm gonna do a review using yeet purely to spite the anti yeet crowd. Old fogies.
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Sweetie
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 997
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Mar 18, 2021 2:32 pm 
 

lord_ghengis wrote:
I'm gonna do a review using yeet purely to spite the anti yeet crowd. Old fogies.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Yeah, it's a weird thing to complain about.
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~Guest 1043649
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2020 12:26 am
Posts: 2
PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2021 12:26 pm 
 

Avoid the shit out of my reviews! I haven’t known what the fuck I’ve been doing, and I didn’t realize that until recently when more experienced reviewers reached out to me and told me a multitude of things that I should and should not do when writing reviews. I also didn’t realize that the quality of my reviews is shit until said experienced reviewers reached out to me. So having said that, avoid my past 60 reviews!

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TheBurningOfSodom
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 161
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2021 12:35 pm 
 

criscool623 - some broken English and some consistently wrong word choices (most notably, 'notorious' in place of 'evident'/'blatant'). The fact that he wrote off Agent Orange as 'the lowest point of thrash metal' didn't help getting things better to these eyes. At least this year he seems to be way less active.

Forever Underground - very broken English and problematic sentencing, seeing that he's Spanish (very similar to Italian) I'd say he probably builds sentences in his native language and directly translates them, and they end up being a bit awkward to say the least. A pretty dubious review too, for Dissection's SotLB, which interestingly appeared and disappeared several times (by now, it's in the latter phase).

Hames_Jetfield - my guess would be that his m.o. has to be similar to the above, given that translating his Polish originals with Google gives back very similar results. A pretty annoying use of bold for every single title, but that may be a minor gripe of mine. I'm not really into famous bands' discography reviews only, either.

(seconding, still after 2 years) Edmund Sackbauer - his incredible consistency after all this time it's even more amazing. In this exact moment, out of 894 reviews, 882 are over 85%, 770 over 90%; his absolute lowest score is a 77%. I can't believe metal is that beautiful. :lol:

While I was writing (I'm slow as fuck lol) Anus_Canis' comment popped up - mate, there's no need to mortify yourself in this manner, don't worry. You'll have plenty of time to grow up and improve, we're a community and not a professional jury, everyone has got his past reviews which he doesn't see as good as he wished, but nobody will send you to the guillotine :-P

Saying this just to make sure the wrong message isn't spread - you'll soon get over this phase and start cranking out better and better reviews, trust me. Just make sure not to give up because of all this, tough beginnings are part of the game. As you said, you were brave enough to ask for help and got pretty useful advices, make them work for you :)
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lord_ghengis
Still Standing After 38 Beers... hic

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5751
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2021 6:42 pm 
 

Sweetie wrote:
lord_ghengis wrote:
I'm gonna do a review using yeet purely to spite the anti yeet crowd. Old fogies.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Yeah, it's a weird thing to complain about.

Damn, they didn't bite. Not only did I yeet, I also dropped a yolo and a boomer. Disappointed.
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Sweetie
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 997
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Mar 22, 2021 8:46 pm 
 

Anus_Canis wrote:
Avoid the shit out of my reviews! I haven’t known what the fuck I’ve been doing, and I didn’t realize that until recently when more experienced reviewers reached out to me and told me a multitude of things that I should and should not do when writing reviews. I also didn’t realize that the quality of my reviews is shit until said experienced reviewers reached out to me. So having said that, avoid my past 60 reviews!


The review workshop is your friend. I was p hated when I first started (5 or so years ago now?), took a year or two of people criticizing me until I could actually get a style down that was my own. It's always cool to see a young reviewer grow and hit veteran status. Stick around a bit.
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The_Doo_Over
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Mon Mar 29, 2021 2:29 pm
Posts: 21
PostPosted: Fri Apr 16, 2021 4:59 pm 
 

Sweetie wrote:
Anus_Canis wrote:
Avoid the shit out of my reviews! I haven’t known what the fuck I’ve been doing, and I didn’t realize that until recently when more experienced reviewers reached out to me and told me a multitude of things that I should and should not do when writing reviews. I also didn’t realize that the quality of my reviews is shit until said experienced reviewers reached out to me. So having said that, avoid my past 60 reviews!


The review workshop is your friend. I was p hated when I first started (5 or so years ago now?), took a year or two of people criticizing me until I could actually get a style down that was my own. It's always cool to see a young reviewer grow and hit veteran status. Stick around a bit.


I wish I saw this advice before I deleted my Anus_Canis profile. But now I’m back, and if I receive criticism (even if it is destructive), I won’t take it too personally; instead, I’ll use whatever criticism (particularly if it’s constructive) I receive to improve upon the quality of my reviews.

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Forever Underground
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2018 7:35 am
Posts: 9
Location: Spain
PostPosted: Sat May 01, 2021 9:35 am 
 

TheBurningOfSodom wrote:
Forever Underground - very broken English and problematic sentencing, seeing that he's Spanish (very similar to Italian) I'd say he probably builds sentences in his native language and directly translates them, and they end up being a bit awkward to say the least. A pretty dubious review too, for Dissection's SotLB, which interestingly appeared and disappeared several times (by now, it's in the latter phase).


First of all, I want to say that I am aware of my problems with English, especially in my first reviews, the truth is that I have thought in many occasions to delete my reviews or rewrite them although I am very lazy to write again and it is less difficult for me to concentrate on music that I have not reviewed yet, I will see what I do in the future with my reviews.

Regarding my review of Dissection "SitLB", it has appeared and disappeared several times because I think I changed the last paragraph about 3 times. I'm not proud of that review as I'm not proud of any review I've done, maybe I'm wasting my time here because I don't really think I'm contributing anything and my descriptions of the music and my reviews in general are vague and lacking in content. That's why I've recently started visiting the forum, more specifically the discussions around reviews, so I appreciate any kind of feedback that can help me improve as a writer.

And yes, this comment has made me think more deeply about something I already believed, that surely my reviews are not at the level of what many of you write, honestly I even have some envy (from a positive point of view) of how well some of you review music and therefore I hope that in the future even if I don't write here anymore I can continue reading you about the music I love.

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TheBurningOfSodom
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 161
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2021 11:02 am 
 

It's alright dude - everybody's gotta start somewhere, and as time passes you'll surely shape up your English and at the same time get a better idea of how music and feeling are (more or less) properly described and whatnot. There are (and, in some cases, were) a lot of great writers here, so if you can, keep reading reviews, that will also help.

Please note that I'm but a simple user like many (who, additionally, didn't mean to sound like he's discouraging new users from writing, excuse if I may have had lol), and the community is large and willing to give help to anybody looking for it. Keep trying reviewing and, in case of need, like Sweetie said, you can head to the Review Feedback Workshop and ask for tips there too.

It's sad to see somebody starting out and quickly losing interest and enjoyment in what, for most of us, is nothing more than a hobby, so my best advice would simply be: don't give up :)
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