I'm not good enough for The Simpsons!

Exactly! Futurama - at its best - can only compete with middling great era Simpsons.

I remember there was a big Twitter argument about which series was better and someone said it was telling that The Simpsons side was citing episodes from decades ago, which is like saying Power Trip is better than Metallica because Load exists. Still mad respect goes to Futurama. Bender and Zoidberg alone make it worthwhile.

On topic, I'd say any reviewer who uses insulting nicknames for bands they don't like is a good contender for someone who doesn't deserve attention. At most these are funny once, but usually just elicit eye-rolls. My favorite example is "BUGGER FOR MY SHITLENTINE" (caps are the writer's, not mine) from this abomination. Took me awhile to figure out who he was referring to, which, I dunno, seems counterintuitive for a review. I'd also like to point out that "shitlentine" is not a word, and even by the standards of the hellscape that is modern portmanteaus, it's fucking awful.

BloodIronBeer. Regardless of his opinion about the Warbringer single he just reviewed, the review is filled with ignorance, petty insults, poor writing, and a general feeling that he doesn't actually know what he's talking about.

I'd like to throw in the latest guy giving primitive BM classics an edgy "0%", as well as all the other touristy reviewers who did the same in this list.

Is this the guy who is giving all of Burzum's releases 0% and all of Mayhem's releases 100%? Pretty transparent.

Orbitball is really disappointing for a reviewer with over 200 write-ups. He doesn't describe the music with much detail (just read his review of the new Pig Destroyer where it sounds like he's writing as he listens for the first time), generally heads for popular albums, and gives very generous scores that almost always follow the crowd. A lot of the reviews also read like adverts, ending with a line like, "Buy it now!"

I came in to mention him.

https://www.metal-archives.com/user-reviews/bitterman

All but one review of his is a 0%.

Bitterman is a joke who sucks. I think that opinion is unanimous. A useful heuristic: if a reviewer has at least a decent amount of reviews (say 30-40) and the scores are mostly, or wholly, high or low, chances are good they're a poor reviewer. Same deal if they have a wider variety of scores, but they're all between 0-20% or 80-100%. Admittedly, average and middling albums are the hardest to write reviews for and people who aren't professionals will be more compelled to voice their opinions about albums that evoke strong feelings, but if you're going to write as many reviews as a paid critic, it's not expecting too much for you to learn how to describe something in moderate terms.

I'm honestly surprised his reviews weren't completely wiped from the site when people started noticing that he was changing all of them to 0% just to get a rise out of people. He was pretty clearly a troll reviewer before (remember that his user bio had some nonsense about how metal died because At the Gates stopped writing stuff that sounded like The Red in the Sky is Ours), but that just confirmed it. Then he got banned, and all his troll reviews are still up.

Let's not perpetuate this rumor, he was never banned, he was just the first guy to figure out the loophole to allow you to "delete" your account before that was an actual feature (by changing his email address but never clicking the new confirmation link). This is DMU's favorite narrative and he's even popped up there to tell them that's not what happened but they don't care.

His reviews were never deleted because his writing was fine (if obnoxious) and we don't really police taste, there's no rule against being a grumpy asshole who hates everything. Though yeah I agree that we probably should've done something once he changed all of his scores to zero. People who weren't around at the time probably don't realize that he had scores as high as 40% but started incrementally lowering everything once he started getting attention until everything was a 0%. That sort of thing is trolling in my eyes, simply hating everything is stupid but not exactly trolling in itself.

His reviews were everything wrong with the old "internet cynical ranting" thing. I feel bad I was ever a part of that stuff. Not every single thing has to be the worst shit ever created.

The Angry Video Game Nerd did inspire legions of insufferable copycats, but at least they try to play up the angle "this is crazy hyperbole for comedic effect". Bitterman, based on the reviews I read, seemed more like the "get off my lawn" type. Reminds me of Armond White, in that I think he could be a talented and interesting reviewer were he not hellbent on proving his superiority.