Encyclopaedia Metallum: The Metal Archives

Message board

* FAQ    * Register   * Login 



Reply to topic
Author Message Previous topic | Next topic
camjr01
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat May 26, 2018 10:34 pm
Posts: 134
Location: Test Location
PostPosted: Thu Dec 17, 2020 8:22 pm 
 

Mods, just curious- what's the most confusing, nonsensical, random, incomprehensible review you've ever seen? Preferably something that could make r/wtf.

Sorry if this has already been asked, I just found this thread though and lots of these are hilarious. Also, I was inspired to ask this by the images I'm quoting- check the spoilers.


Spoiler: show
Derigin wrote:
Image


Spoiler: show
Derigin wrote:
Image
_________________
Stagnation begins when you stop trying to improve

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice."- Proverbs 12:15

Long Live the West

Do not do it because it feels right, but because it is right.

Top
 Profile  
BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10857
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu Dec 17, 2020 9:21 pm 
 

Over the years I think I've gained the deepest appreciation for this one.

Metantoine wrote:
Image
_________________
Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEW: In Flames - Foregone
The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang
niix wrote:
the reason your grandmother has all those plastic sheets on her furniture is because she is probably a squirter

Top
 Profile  
Inkshooter
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:55 pm
Posts: 1064
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2020 3:15 am 
 

The messaging is very direct.
_________________
For the kings of the ravenrealms

Top
 Profile  
Slater922
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2020 6:24 pm
Posts: 2338
PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2020 8:00 am 
 

BastardHead wrote:
Over the years I think I've gained the deepest appreciation for this one.

Metantoine wrote:
Image

Not sure why this was rejected. If you translate the review from Horse Cockenese, you can see that the reviewer goes in depth in the music.
_________________
Under a serpent sun... we shall all live as one! - "Under a Serpent Sun" by At The Gates
Check out my reviews

Top
 Profile  
Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5997
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Jan 09, 2021 10:38 am 
 

Image
_________________
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

Top
 Profile  
Sean16
Moody Tabulator of Torn Hymens

Joined: Sat May 07, 2005 11:03 am
Posts: 394
Location: France
PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 9:14 am 
 

Nice to see the mods keep on feeding this thread from time to time. Always been my guilty pleasure every time I browse this board.

My favourite, however, are ridiculously dithyrambic reviews written by bandmembers themselves, who write a handful of pompous paragraphs to explain how their insignificant bedroom project is revolutionizing black metal. Much too rare, alas, but there are a few instances to be found in the remote pages of the thread.

If you wonder, see below what I mean (found by Gutterscream if I remember well). Even the band was too kvlt to be kept on the Archives.

Spoiler: show
Forgotten (in the chamber) - 100%
Written by Necroworshipper on July 3rd, 2008

It always exists "before", "during" and "after". "Before", "during" and "after" of the black metal it has a single name: Caligulae Crucis.

This demo, maybe the first today known testimony of band the cult for excellence, represents a mystic ceremony from the evil Obducto.zx and Brutus474.

Before the time. Before the space. Before the pain. Before all there's just the dwelling of the nothing. The empty reign of the silence that annihilates everything. This is the beginning of "Forgotten (in the chamber)": more than 10 minutes of silence.

An heavy silence, the silence of the solitude of a young abandoned girl. Bound, tightened from infernal ropes. The silence of who has finished the tears. A silence of fear and a horror.

The cerimony is beginning. Dark noises, heavy steps, screams of a girl who not dare to imagine what is going to happen. Screams that are calling a god, that is impotent in front of the absolute evil.

Down in the deep abyss of the human soul. Down in the darker evil. Down until the heart of perversion. Down where no God dares to turn its look. Down in the cellar of torture and pleasure.

The door is now opened. Brutus474 and Obducto.zx give beginning to the dances. To speak about black metal is reductive. To associate this masterpiece to other productions of the sort is an insult. This is not a production for the heart weak people, the weak spirit people and those people who believe that black metal is JUST music.

This is the first shot of the album that Caligulae Crucis direct to all the "baby blakie" that think to play black metal or to live black metal or to be black metal.

By just this shot Caligulae Crucis demolish a decade of extreme music and send to bed the "unholy fathers". If a dogma 95 of the black metal exists, it would be "Forgotten". If a manifesto of extreme music exists, Caligulae Crucis would be the single authors. If it existed testamente of all this, nobody would be never a worthy heir.

The complains, the screams, the laughs, the obsessing riffing, the tortures, the coitus, the cum, the paranoid, the hurts, the blood, the rape, the total evil, the humid cellar.

This is "during". This is the life that you would want to never live. This is your prison. This is the suffering. This is what you have attended in hush. This is the alive heart heart of the universe. The evil meant like pure force, scope of the same creation. The evil that rises to the role of vital lymph of the entire universe. The evil that exercises its dominion in secret, ready to hit anyone.

"During" continues in the second track. It continues where the many could not be never pushed. The animal fury that has animated the first track has ended. The bad creator force leaves the field to the evil that destroys, that it annihilates, than takes the right of life and dead. "Chained and forgotten" is the hallucinatory testimony of a human reduced in slavery.

While the riffing is becoming more heavy, Brutus474 gags the object of its perverted pleasure. The duet chained again the girl.

This great song continues between lashes, sexual harassments and violence, until the only things that can be heard are a closing door, far steps and a despairing complain. A tearful complain that slowly vanish until the ceremony is concluded in the same way in which was begun: a chilling hush.

The ceremony is ended. The circle is closed. The "after" scares more than the "during". The genius of this band does not have equal.

After to have listened "Forgotten (in the chamber)" nobody can come back. After to have understood the meaning of the works of the Caliguale Crucis it is impossible also think to compare them to others exponents of extreme music. After Caligulae Crucis there is the nothing.

There is no salvation. There is no redention. There is no mercyful god.

This is a masterpiece for little elect ones. A unhuman portrait and metaphor of the truth.
_________________
Some grotesque Italian band wrote:
MEGALOMETAL HAS BROKEN OFF CHAINS

Top
 Profile  
lord_ghengis
Still Standing After 38 Beers... hic

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5950
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Wed Jan 13, 2021 6:02 pm 
 

Not gonna lie, I cracked up at "the coitus, the cum".
_________________
Naamath wrote:
No comments, no words need it, no BM, no compromise, only grains in her face.

Top
 Profile  
~Guest 334273
Veteran

Joined: Tue Apr 01, 2014 2:19 am
Posts: 2513
PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:36 am 
 

That band was a prank by the truemetal.it forum admins, the review was probably written by them: i'll recognize that kind of broken english anywhere!

edit: i checked out, is an hilarious word for word translation of an italian review... not that it makes more sense in it's original language :lol:

Top
 Profile  
Sean16
Moody Tabulator of Torn Hymens

Joined: Sat May 07, 2005 11:03 am
Posts: 394
Location: France
PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2021 10:49 am 
 

Interesting... so, the band itself was a fake. I won't pretend I'm surprised :lol: It still managed to be accepted on the site for a (presumably) short time, though. I mean the band, not the review, obviously.
_________________
Some grotesque Italian band wrote:
MEGALOMETAL HAS BROKEN OFF CHAINS

Top
 Profile  
Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5997
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2021 12:07 am 
 

Image

Image
_________________
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

Top
 Profile  
Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5997
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2021 10:45 am 
 

Something a little bit different...

Image
_________________
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

Top
 Profile  
BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10857
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2021 10:51 am 
 

Quote:
This kind of "we are all in this together" horseshit rhetoric is setting back intelligent civilization back 1000 years


The fact that humans are a social, cooperative, communal species is literally the entire reason we created civilization and have dominated the globe for thousands of eons you numbskull.
_________________
Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEW: In Flames - Foregone
The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang
niix wrote:
the reason your grandmother has all those plastic sheets on her furniture is because she is probably a squirter

Top
 Profile  
Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 35140
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2021 12:17 pm 
 

Just looked up the lyrics to that song he's reviewing and it's a pretty light hearted joke song about the pandemic... so of course some vapid shit eater has to make it into a political thing bitching and whining about "freedom" or whatever...

"Rock bands playing along with the government" - yeah how dare they not want to keep a deadly pandemic going by doing shows right now, the fuckin' sellouts.

And the slavery comparison - Jesus Christ what a tool.
_________________
Cinema Freaks latest reviews: Black Roses
Fictional Works - if you hated my reviews over the years then pay me back by reviewing my own stuff
Official Website

Top
 Profile  
EzraBlumenfeld
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2017 12:50 pm
Posts: 450
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2021 2:35 pm 
 

My IQ dropped by about 100 points while reading that
_________________
Kveldulfr wrote:
Like butter comes from milk, butter will only be a reminder of its milky origins, whereas milk reigns supreme as a vital element.


BEGRAVEMENT - 'Horrific Illusions Beckon' out now!

Top
 Profile  
Subrick
Metal Strongman

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 10167
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2021 3:43 pm 
 

Lemmy was not a dumb cunt, unlike that guy up there, therefore he probably would be on board with masks if he was alive today.
_________________
Earthcubed wrote:
I'm just perpetually annoyed by Sean William Scott and he's never been in a movie where I wasn't rooting for his head to sever by strange means.

Blacksoul Seraphim Gothic Doom Metal
Autumn's Ashes Melodic Death/Doom Metal

Top
 Profile  
Cosmic_Equilibrium
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Jul 18, 2014 2:03 pm
Posts: 842
PostPosted: Sat Mar 27, 2021 5:59 pm 
 

Derigin wrote:
Something a little bit different...

Spoiler: show
Image


I didn't know Jon Schaffer still had access to the Internet.

Top
 Profile  
severzhavnost
Something Stupid

Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:16 pm
Posts: 2952
Location: Ottawa
PostPosted: Fri Apr 09, 2021 10:44 pm 
 

My favourites are those that spend whole paragraphs talking about something completely unrelated, like this one:
Have you ever had Kimchi Waffle?
Kimchi Waffle was made by the World Institute of Kimchi in South Korea.
It’s so powerful that your stomachs will damn.
Bulgogi Kimchi Bibimbap waffle burger! Holy shit! litterally shit!

I also like kimchi, but this was not even an attempt at metaphor in a review. It’s more like, I dunno, product advertising? :lol:
_________________
rejected review wrote:
Have you ever had Kimchi Waffle?
Kimchi Waffle was made by World Institute of Kimchi in South Korea.
It’s so powerful that your stomachs will damn.
Bulgogi Kimchi Bibimbap waffle burger! Holy shit! litterally shit!

Top
 Profile  
MRmehman
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 1:34 pm
Posts: 788
Location: The Painted World of Ariamis
PostPosted: Sat May 08, 2021 7:58 pm 
 

Derigin wrote:
Something a little bit different...

Spoiler: show
Image

This is on the same level as HORSE COCK, easily.
_________________
"He who is tired of Candlemass, is tired of life."

Top
 Profile  
darkeningday
xXdArKenIngDayXx

Joined: Mon Aug 23, 2004 1:20 pm
Posts: 6032
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2021 12:14 pm 
 

The content was the same but for self-awareness, Horse Cock Man easily takes home the Reily Reid Fleshlight prize, even though NTT could clearly put it to better use.
_________________
Support Women's Health
Please donate to a local abortion fund of your choice here instead of high-profile national organizations like NARAL or Planned Parenthood. If you're unsure where to distribute funds, select an abortion trigger law state; any organization will do.

Top
 Profile  
Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 5859
Location: 717
PostPosted: Sun Jul 25, 2021 6:53 pm 
 

Cosmic_Equilibrium wrote:
Derigin wrote:
Something a little bit different...

Spoiler: show
Image


I didn't know Jon Schaffer still had access to the Internet.

When I searched this guy's profile on MA, I found his tag come up on the saved searches meaning he definitely did something embarrassing in the past.

Turns out it was on the forum like 4 years ago: viewtopic.php?p=2745944#p2745944
_________________
Stygian Narcosis - My concert photography Facebook page - Instagram too

Top
 Profile  
ᴎostalgiʞK
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Mar 01, 2014 1:27 pm
Posts: 335
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Wed Jul 28, 2021 11:50 pm 
 

Wilytank wrote:
Cosmic_Equilibrium wrote:
Derigin wrote:
Something a little bit different...

Spoiler: show
Image


I didn't know Jon Schaffer still had access to the Internet.

When I searched this guy's profile on MA, I found his tag come up on the saved searches meaning he definitely did something embarrassing in the past.

Turns out it was on the forum like 4 years ago: viewtopic.php?p=2745944#p2745944


Holy shit this libertwatians are here in MA too?
"wow so indoctrinated, everyone is socialist but me, blabla taxes are bad blabla dont tread on me gadsden flag"
Sheeeesh, i thought that the edgy nsbm kids were a meme already..
_________________
18/12/22 Campeón del mundo ⭐⭐⭐

Top
 Profile  
Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5997
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2021 4:49 pm 
 

All I did was ask him to fix his grammar/spelling, and maybe describe a bit more of the album... :???:

Image
_________________
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

Top
 Profile  
Slater922
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2020 6:24 pm
Posts: 2338
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2021 5:04 pm 
 

Derigin wrote:
All I did was ask him to fix his grammar/spelling, and maybe describe a bit more of the album... :???:

Image

Derigin: Hey, your need to fix some grammar and spelling issues in your review, as well and go slightly more in depth of your description. That way, readers will understand your point more.

Vempyre: aRe yOu tHrEaTeNiNg mE?!?!?!?! My rEvIeW Is pErFeCt, AnD EvErYoNe lOvEs mE!!!!!111 HoW CaN YoU SpEaK BlAsPhEmY To mY ReViEwS?!?!?!?!?!?! I DeMaNd tO SpEaK To tHe mAnAgEr!!!!!111111 MoSt uNoRtHoDoX!!!!!!111111 Oh, AnD By tHe wAy, CoViD-19 iS fAkE aNd WaS pLaNnEd By ThE iLlUmInAtI!!!!!!11111
_________________
Under a serpent sun... we shall all live as one! - "Under a Serpent Sun" by At The Gates
Check out my reviews

Top
 Profile  
Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 35140
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2021 5:10 pm 
 

That one should have been accepted.
_________________
Cinema Freaks latest reviews: Black Roses
Fictional Works - if you hated my reviews over the years then pay me back by reviewing my own stuff
Official Website

Top
 Profile  
TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 595
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2021 5:47 pm 
 

I see nothing wrong, indeed. Perhaps, it escalated just a bit too quickly.

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
A very promising new reviewer wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

It's the dawn of descending...

Top
 Profile  
Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5997
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Fri Dec 31, 2021 10:59 am 
 

Nice way to end off the year...

Image
_________________
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

Top
 Profile  
Slater922
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2020 6:24 pm
Posts: 2338
PostPosted: Fri Dec 31, 2021 11:25 am 
 

Derigin wrote:
Nice way to end off the year...

Image

You know, if he really wanted to make an argument that the album was good, he should've, well, ACTUALLY reviewed the album in its own merits instead of being like "yO, fUcK ThIs bArD WiTh bRiGhT EyEs dUdE!!!!111 hE DoEsN'T KnOw sHiT AbOuT ThIs bRiLlIaNt aLbUm!!!!!!!!111"
_________________
Under a serpent sun... we shall all live as one! - "Under a Serpent Sun" by At The Gates
Check out my reviews

Top
 Profile  
GratefulDeadInside
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Nov 29, 2021 9:22 am
Posts: 130
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2022 1:53 am 
 

BastardHead wrote:
Over the years I think I've gained the deepest appreciation for this one.

Metantoine wrote:
Image

Honestly this one should've been accepted. It's too amazing to stay hidden in a thread like this.
_________________
Concerts I've Been To

Top
 Profile  
Peyp
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon May 25, 2015 1:16 am
Posts: 209
Location: California, United States
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2022 1:47 pm 
 

Sean16 wrote:
My favourite, however, are ridiculously dithyrambic reviews written by bandmembers themselves, who write a handful of pompous paragraphs to explain how their insignificant bedroom project is revolutionizing black metal. Much too rare, alas, but there are a few instances to be found in the remote pages of the thread.

If you wonder, see below what I mean (found by Gutterscream if I remember well). Even the band was too kvlt to be kept on the Archives.

Spoiler: show
Forgotten (in the chamber) - 100%
Written by Necroworshipper on July 3rd, 2008

It always exists "before", "during" and "after". "Before", "during" and "after" of the black metal it has a single name: Caligulae Crucis.

This demo, maybe the first today known testimony of band the cult for excellence, represents a mystic ceremony from the evil Obducto.zx and Brutus474.

Before the time. Before the space. Before the pain. Before all there's just the dwelling of the nothing. The empty reign of the silence that annihilates everything. This is the beginning of "Forgotten (in the chamber)": more than 10 minutes of silence.

An heavy silence, the silence of the solitude of a young abandoned girl. Bound, tightened from infernal ropes. The silence of who has finished the tears. A silence of fear and a horror.

The cerimony is beginning. Dark noises, heavy steps, screams of a girl who not dare to imagine what is going to happen. Screams that are calling a god, that is impotent in front of the absolute evil.

Down in the deep abyss of the human soul. Down in the darker evil. Down until the heart of perversion. Down where no God dares to turn its look. Down in the cellar of torture and pleasure.

The door is now opened. Brutus474 and Obducto.zx give beginning to the dances. To speak about black metal is reductive. To associate this masterpiece to other productions of the sort is an insult. This is not a production for the heart weak people, the weak spirit people and those people who believe that black metal is JUST music.

This is the first shot of the album that Caligulae Crucis direct to all the "baby blakie" that think to play black metal or to live black metal or to be black metal.

By just this shot Caligulae Crucis demolish a decade of extreme music and send to bed the "unholy fathers". If a dogma 95 of the black metal exists, it would be "Forgotten". If a manifesto of extreme music exists, Caligulae Crucis would be the single authors. If it existed testamente of all this, nobody would be never a worthy heir.

The complains, the screams, the laughs, the obsessing riffing, the tortures, the coitus, the cum, the paranoid, the hurts, the blood, the rape, the total evil, the humid cellar.

This is "during". This is the life that you would want to never live. This is your prison. This is the suffering. This is what you have attended in hush. This is the alive heart heart of the universe. The evil meant like pure force, scope of the same creation. The evil that rises to the role of vital lymph of the entire universe. The evil that exercises its dominion in secret, ready to hit anyone.

"During" continues in the second track. It continues where the many could not be never pushed. The animal fury that has animated the first track has ended. The bad creator force leaves the field to the evil that destroys, that it annihilates, than takes the right of life and dead. "Chained and forgotten" is the hallucinatory testimony of a human reduced in slavery.

While the riffing is becoming more heavy, Brutus474 gags the object of its perverted pleasure. The duet chained again the girl.

This great song continues between lashes, sexual harassments and violence, until the only things that can be heard are a closing door, far steps and a despairing complain. A tearful complain that slowly vanish until the ceremony is concluded in the same way in which was begun: a chilling hush.

The ceremony is ended. The circle is closed. The "after" scares more than the "during". The genius of this band does not have equal.

After to have listened "Forgotten (in the chamber)" nobody can come back. After to have understood the meaning of the works of the Caliguale Crucis it is impossible also think to compare them to others exponents of extreme music. After Caligulae Crucis there is the nothing.

There is no salvation. There is no redention. There is no mercyful god.

This is a masterpiece for little elect ones. A unhuman portrait and metaphor of the truth.


Looked up the band out of morbid curiosity and got the most ridiculous Blogspot page. Some guy (the band leader, of course) posted the torrents to the album, then he posted this message a few days later:


I've never been superstitious.
I didn't believe all the stories about Caligulae Crucis so I shared the albums I had.
Two days ago I've had a car accident and now I'm in the hospital not knowing if I'll ever recover.
I'm scared.
I won't delete the albums because I fear it could cause something else.
I'll just avoid to post again in this blog hoping it will fade into darkness and that no one will ever find it.
Farewell
_________________
Witchrot wrote:
Due to the unfortunate reality of our guitarist fucking my girlfriend of almost 7 years WITCHROT will be taking an extended hiatus. I however will continue the band in another space and time... Thanks for the support, stay heavy. Also our drummer died...


RIP DIAMHEA

Top
 Profile  
Slater922
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2020 6:24 pm
Posts: 2338
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2022 3:47 pm 
 

Peyp wrote:
Sean16 wrote:
My favourite, however, are ridiculously dithyrambic reviews written by bandmembers themselves, who write a handful of pompous paragraphs to explain how their insignificant bedroom project is revolutionizing black metal. Much too rare, alas, but there are a few instances to be found in the remote pages of the thread.

If you wonder, see below what I mean (found by Gutterscream if I remember well). Even the band was too kvlt to be kept on the Archives.

Spoiler: show
Forgotten (in the chamber) - 100%
Written by Necroworshipper on July 3rd, 2008

It always exists "before", "during" and "after". "Before", "during" and "after" of the black metal it has a single name: Caligulae Crucis.

This demo, maybe the first today known testimony of band the cult for excellence, represents a mystic ceremony from the evil Obducto.zx and Brutus474.

Before the time. Before the space. Before the pain. Before all there's just the dwelling of the nothing. The empty reign of the silence that annihilates everything. This is the beginning of "Forgotten (in the chamber)": more than 10 minutes of silence.

An heavy silence, the silence of the solitude of a young abandoned girl. Bound, tightened from infernal ropes. The silence of who has finished the tears. A silence of fear and a horror.

The cerimony is beginning. Dark noises, heavy steps, screams of a girl who not dare to imagine what is going to happen. Screams that are calling a god, that is impotent in front of the absolute evil.

Down in the deep abyss of the human soul. Down in the darker evil. Down until the heart of perversion. Down where no God dares to turn its look. Down in the cellar of torture and pleasure.

The door is now opened. Brutus474 and Obducto.zx give beginning to the dances. To speak about black metal is reductive. To associate this masterpiece to other productions of the sort is an insult. This is not a production for the heart weak people, the weak spirit people and those people who believe that black metal is JUST music.

This is the first shot of the album that Caligulae Crucis direct to all the "baby blakie" that think to play black metal or to live black metal or to be black metal.

By just this shot Caligulae Crucis demolish a decade of extreme music and send to bed the "unholy fathers". If a dogma 95 of the black metal exists, it would be "Forgotten". If a manifesto of extreme music exists, Caligulae Crucis would be the single authors. If it existed testamente of all this, nobody would be never a worthy heir.

The complains, the screams, the laughs, the obsessing riffing, the tortures, the coitus, the cum, the paranoid, the hurts, the blood, the rape, the total evil, the humid cellar.

This is "during". This is the life that you would want to never live. This is your prison. This is the suffering. This is what you have attended in hush. This is the alive heart heart of the universe. The evil meant like pure force, scope of the same creation. The evil that rises to the role of vital lymph of the entire universe. The evil that exercises its dominion in secret, ready to hit anyone.

"During" continues in the second track. It continues where the many could not be never pushed. The animal fury that has animated the first track has ended. The bad creator force leaves the field to the evil that destroys, that it annihilates, than takes the right of life and dead. "Chained and forgotten" is the hallucinatory testimony of a human reduced in slavery.

While the riffing is becoming more heavy, Brutus474 gags the object of its perverted pleasure. The duet chained again the girl.

This great song continues between lashes, sexual harassments and violence, until the only things that can be heard are a closing door, far steps and a despairing complain. A tearful complain that slowly vanish until the ceremony is concluded in the same way in which was begun: a chilling hush.

The ceremony is ended. The circle is closed. The "after" scares more than the "during". The genius of this band does not have equal.

After to have listened "Forgotten (in the chamber)" nobody can come back. After to have understood the meaning of the works of the Caliguale Crucis it is impossible also think to compare them to others exponents of extreme music. After Caligulae Crucis there is the nothing.

There is no salvation. There is no redention. There is no mercyful god.

This is a masterpiece for little elect ones. A unhuman portrait and metaphor of the truth.


Looked up the band out of morbid curiosity and got the most ridiculous Blogspot page. Some guy (the band leader, of course) posted the torrents to the album, then he posted this message a few days later:


I've never been superstitious.
I didn't believe all the stories about Caligulae Crucis so I shared the albums I had.
Two days ago I've had a car accident and now I'm in the hospital not knowing if I'll ever recover.
I'm scared.
I won't delete the albums because I fear it could cause something else.
I'll just avoid to post again in this blog hoping it will fade into darkness and that no one will ever find it.
Farewell

Yikes. A rather tragic end to this band. Hopefully he's doing better :(
_________________
Under a serpent sun... we shall all live as one! - "Under a Serpent Sun" by At The Gates
Check out my reviews

Top
 Profile  
TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 595
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2022 6:41 pm 
 

Ahem... guys?

Morn Of Solace wrote:
That band was a prank by the truemetal.it forum admins, the review was probably written by them: i'll recognize that kind of broken english anywhere!

edit: i checked out, is an hilarious word for word translation of an italian review... not that it makes more sense in it's original language :lol:
_________________
A very promising new reviewer wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

It's the dawn of descending...

Top
 Profile  
Slater922
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2020 6:24 pm
Posts: 2338
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2022 7:29 pm 
 

TheBurningOfSodom wrote:
Ahem... guys?

Morn Of Solace wrote:
That band was a prank by the truemetal.it forum admins, the review was probably written by them: i'll recognize that kind of broken english anywhere!

edit: i checked out, is an hilarious word for word translation of an italian review... not that it makes more sense in it's original language :lol:

So in short, I got bamboozled?
:durr: :brick:
_________________
Under a serpent sun... we shall all live as one! - "Under a Serpent Sun" by At The Gates
Check out my reviews

Top
 Profile  
Peyp
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon May 25, 2015 1:16 am
Posts: 209
Location: California, United States
PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2022 10:10 pm 
 

Slater922 wrote:
So in short, I got bamboozled?
:durr: :brick:


LOL yeah

I was reading it as the leader of the band pretended they were some pirate and started some bullshit rumor about the demos being cursed so that they would circulate better, or so people would think they were tr00 kvlt.

I missed the truemetal.it part; I guess the pirating site was probably by them too
_________________
Witchrot wrote:
Due to the unfortunate reality of our guitarist fucking my girlfriend of almost 7 years WITCHROT will be taking an extended hiatus. I however will continue the band in another space and time... Thanks for the support, stay heavy. Also our drummer died...


RIP DIAMHEA

Top
 Profile  
The Bard with Bright Eyes
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Aug 26, 2021 8:48 am
Posts: 94
Location: Bosnia and Herzegovina
PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2022 2:58 pm 
 

Derigin wrote:
Nice way to end off the year...

Image


Oh my, how did I see this just now? Fucking hilarious.

Okay, I admit my review is a bit cancerous in the "pre-2010 BastardHead" sense of the word, and some of the points kinda don't make sense when looking back (I was disappointed and pissed off, cut me some slack), but I still stand with my opinion. And this Konspirator dude should see my review of Monolit's demo tapes from the late 80's.
_________________
Lee Harrison wrote:
Now I understand that we aren’t more capable of read a book or listen a cd more than 30 min but came on really we deserve that,are we reduced to amoebas?

I hope not

Top
 Profile  
GuardAwakening
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Sep 20, 2012 8:35 pm
Posts: 384
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2022 4:57 am 
 

BastardHead wrote:
Over the years I think I've gained the deepest appreciation for this one.

Metantoine wrote:
Image


i think Mr Hands wrote this review

Top
 Profile  
morbert
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 2:36 am
Posts: 1274
PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2022 2:00 pm 
 

The Bard with Bright Eyes wrote:
Derigin wrote:
Nice way to end off the year...Image

Oh my, how did I see this just now? Fucking hilarious. Okay, I admit my review is a bit cancerous in the "pre-2010 BastardHead" sense of the word, and some of the points kinda don't make sense when looking back (I was disappointed and pissed off, cut me some slack), but I still stand with my opinion. And this Konspirator dude should see my review of Monolit's demo tapes from the late 80's.


Wow. It actually made me look up this album on youtube. After Arcana & Detriment I really, really had enough.
I agree with Bard. This is nineties worship and has nothing in common with their 1989 demo.
_________________
Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum.

Top
 Profile  
TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 595
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2022 3:02 pm 
 

Well... BÓJ, amirite?

Image
_________________
A very promising new reviewer wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

It's the dawn of descending...

Top
 Profile  
morbert
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 2:36 am
Posts: 1274
PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2022 3:16 pm 
 

TheBurningOfSodom wrote:
Well... BÓJ, amirite?


https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/b%C3%B3j
_________________
Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum.

Top
 Profile  
TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 595
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2022 3:26 pm 
 

Wow, everything makes sense now (?)
_________________
A very promising new reviewer wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

It's the dawn of descending...

Top
 Profile  
morbert
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 2:36 am
Posts: 1274
PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2022 3:56 pm 
 

TheBurningOfSodom wrote:
Wow, everything makes sense now (?)
good
_________________
Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum.

Top
 Profile  
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic Go to page Previous  1 ... 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76  Next


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 14 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

  Print view
Jump to:  

Back to the Encyclopaedia Metallum


Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group