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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:10 pm 
 

meshigene wrote:
that supposed to be remarkably/hilariously bad?


In my opinion, yes. However, due to the user's more recent attemps to improve i decided to remove it.
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nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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skitzorgasm
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2017 6:05 pm
Posts: 19
Location: Arcelor-Mitol Train Line
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2017 9:03 pm 
 

It almost seems like these people think these are supposed to be like product reviews for Amazon. I also feel kinda bad for the translation reviews. Reading these is not as funny as I thought it was going to be, it's pretty sad.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 6:08 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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colin040
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:00 pm
Posts: 5514
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 6:20 pm 
 

''If you are a blacker, this is for you'' :lol:

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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5394
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2017 7:29 pm 
 

This is just too glorious.

Spoiler: show
Image
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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Storm of the Light's Bane
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2015 11:16 pm
Posts: 677
PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2017 7:32 pm 
 

LMAO
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Xenophon wrote:
I'm sure he would have pushed strongly for them to be included. I'm guessing there was a fight among the mods over whether to include them, and it ended with Metantoine being imprisoned in Napero's Finnish ice wizard tower.

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Antioch
Metalhead

Joined: Sun May 01, 2011 4:08 am
Posts: 1305
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2017 7:44 pm 
 

Whoa! Derigin must be expecting some talking-to, I suppose... I wonder whom he'll approach, though. Normally, one would approach Derigin, but, in this case, it'll defeat the purpose.
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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5394
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2017 8:41 pm 
 

My reply:
Spoiler: show
What are you? A soccer mom in a retail store? "I demand to speak to the manager." Good God, the entitlement.

I'll be frank with you, since it's pretty clear you didn't understand the previous reply I gave you: your review is shit. In fact, it's hardly even a review. Oh, it's a 'brutal death metal' album. Fantastic, like I couldn't figure that out by just looking at the band's page here.

Your review tells the reader nothing. It's one of the "best brutal slamming death metal albums to date." What does "best" sound like to you? "Highest quality production." This means what, exactly? "Most vigorous instrumental craftmanship." Again, what does that involve? "Most compelling, violent story driven lyrics." Why should this even matter? I could go on, but there's really not much more left to go on. Your review is one half a tagline for the album's liner notes, and one half an advertisement for an entirely different album.

The moral of the story: Nobody can read your mind. You need to tell the reader what these things mean.

Also, for the record, you expect my overlords to speak with me? Dude, nobody does that here, let alone speaks like you do. "Overlords." LOL.
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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DecemberSoul
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:46 am
Posts: 933
Location: Switzerland
PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2017 8:55 pm 
 

Derigin wrote:
My reply:
Spoiler: show
What are you? A soccer mom in a retail store? "I demand to speak to the manager." Good God, the entitlement.

I'll be frank with you, since it's pretty clear you didn't understand the previous reply I gave you: your review is shit. In fact, it's hardly even a review. Oh, it's a 'brutal death metal' album. Fantastic, like I couldn't figure that out by just looking at the band's page here.

Your review tells the reader nothing. It's one of the "best brutal slamming death metal albums to date." What does "best" sound like to you? "Highest quality production." This means what, exactly? "Most vigorous instrumental craftmanship." Again, what does that involve? "Most compelling, violent story driven lyrics." Why should this even matter? I could go on, but there's really not much more left to go on. Your review is one half a tagline for the album's liner notes, and one half an advertisement for an entirely different album.

The moral of the story: Nobody can read your mind. You need to tell the reader what these things mean.

Also, for the record, you expect my overlords to speak with me? Dude, nobody does that here, let alone speaks like you do. "Overlords." LOL.


Amazing how restrained and (still relatively) polite you remained towards such levels of imbecility.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2017 11:28 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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Five_Nails
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 530
PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2017 1:16 pm 
 

Diamhea wrote:
Spoiler: show
Image


At least that one knew how to count so he's got that going for him.

"I dropped two and more tears." Once in a while there is a slight poetry to terribly broken English, like it came from a teenager who just read Shakespeare in his freshman English class and then hit his head on the door frame while walking to math.
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I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - too?
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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 8106
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:39 pm 
 

Rating: 95%

Last line of the review: 10/10

He's not that good at math. Or reading comprehension.
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Earthcubed wrote:
I'm just perpetually annoyed by Sean William Scott and he's never been in a movie where I wasn't rooting for his head to sever by strange means.

Blacksoul Seraphim Gothic Doom Metal
Autumn's Ashes Melodic Death/Doom Metal

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2017 2:10 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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PaganiusI
Zee Bombelecher

Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:49 pm
Posts: 839
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2017 6:14 pm 
 

Review...Report...its all the same to me *heavy guitar solo*
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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 5196
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2017 11:17 pm 
 

The continuation:
https://www.metal-archives.com/report/b ... /mode/page
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KrigareTjovane wrote:
BenjaminC81 wrote:
I've got quite an extensive lesbian vampire movie collection at home

I've decided this is the only kind of collection in the world that matters.

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DoomMetalAlchemist
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:10 am
Posts: 1718
PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 12:18 am 
 

Wilytank wrote:


It seems weird he'd add the release in 2009 and then (apparently) not want it gone until 2017, and desperately want it gone, at that.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2018 11:01 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:30 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image

Image


Canonical example as to why track by track reviews are generally a really bad idea.
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 9:33 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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Five_Nails
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 530
PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 3:13 am 
 

Diamhea wrote:
Spoiler: show
Image


For such a stupid gimmick he actually could have gone for an alright review if he just elaborated. I'd like to see that one tackle a Goatwhore album.
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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
Posts: 415
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 12:15 pm 
 

What's wrong with hot air balloons & goats? They make a fine pair...

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Lich Coldheart
Stares into the Void

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:44 pm
Posts: 983
Location: Frozen dead land where sharp winds blow
PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 3:26 pm 
 

Doctor Sausage writes a review for an album titled 'Millennium' but writes about goats saying that they are the most consumed meat world wide... Is he trying to imply that this is the millennium of goat sausages or am I overthinking this?

PS: Are goat sausages even real?
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BastardHead wrote:
I will pay a dollar to have Lich's custom title changed to "Drools into the Toilet Bowl"
Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
I like keeping my sword wet, like a young girl in her prime.

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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
Posts: 415
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 3:33 pm 
 

Apparently, goat meat tastes particularly gamy when the beast is un-castrated...

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Lich Coldheart
Stares into the Void

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:44 pm
Posts: 983
Location: Frozen dead land where sharp winds blow
PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 5:04 pm 
 

CHAIRTHROWER wrote:
Apparently, goat meat tastes particularly gamy when the beast is un-castrated...

It does and, in my opinion, it sucks. :p
_________________
BastardHead wrote:
I will pay a dollar to have Lich's custom title changed to "Drools into the Toilet Bowl"
Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
I like keeping my sword wet, like a young girl in her prime.

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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
Posts: 415
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 5:46 pm 
 

Lamb's better.

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Rompestromper
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2014 2:37 pm
Posts: 414
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 6:32 am 
 

CHAIRTHROWER wrote:
Apparently, goat meat tastes particularly gamy when the beast is un-castrated...


yeah, goat is good meat from males before the 9th month when testosterone interferes with the tase, but castrated ones and females don't have the problem.
but thats just of topic

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Five_Nails
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 530
PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 9:13 am 
 

Lich Coldheart wrote:
PS: Are goat sausages even real?


If it has intestines you can make sausages. You can put whatever you want in the sausage so long as that coating holding it all together used to push poo into the colon.
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I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - too?
-Emily Dickinson

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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
Posts: 415
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 11:59 am 
 

Yum.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:40 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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Lane
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2002 11:54 am
Posts: 218
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Fri Feb 02, 2018 2:06 pm 
 

Diamhea wrote:
Spoiler: show
Image

Oh, another one meant as a post to a forum, not as a review :D

Even though there it stands: "My first review..."
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A R C H A I C M E T A L L U R G Y
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Five_Nails
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 530
PostPosted: Fri Feb 02, 2018 5:31 pm 
 

That's not even the worst thing about that whole shit show. Seriously, no wonder it got all zeroes from the other writers. Those lyrics look like Vogon poetry.
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I'm Nobody! Who are you?
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 12:28 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
Posts: 415
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 11:35 am 
 

That Harakiri - Twilight of the Idols...was that the entire review?! If it is, it's short, short!

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 9:38 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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TheWaltzer
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:07 am
Posts: 651
Location: Slowfuck Republic
PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 9:45 am 
 

That ending was fantastic :D But my favorite moment was this:

Quote:
The album reeled me in with it's eye-catching album cover but vomited a whole load of musical diarrhea in my face as soon as I started listening!


Seems like that Nargaroth album is so bad it made mixing-and-matching bodily functions possible. (Needless to say, of course there is already a band called Diarrhea Vomit on the Archives.)
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Wilytank wrote:
"Of Terror and the Supernatural by Temple of Void is miles ahead of It's midnight in Neverland and I can't get my dick out of this unicorn; Volume 8 by Nightwish in both the amount of heaviness and lack of keyboards."

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 10:15 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 9:14 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image









Spoiler: show
Location: Italy
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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Five_Nails
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 530
PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 11:16 pm 
 

Looks like the Romans are still jilted by the failures of their ancestors to conquer into Scandinavia.
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I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - too?
-Emily Dickinson

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Thu Feb 15, 2018 9:29 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Wed Feb 21, 2018 7:52 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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