Every day, at least one or two or three threads about bad reviews sprout like rosebuds in July. So I figured it would be more productive to just use one single sticky thread to this purpose.

If you see a review that's so pathetic, that it screams to be thrown into a hot furnace, please post it here. And by that, I mean a review that truly begs the question, "Who was so high/drunk/asleep that they accepted this?". Not just a review you disagree with, or that's merely average.

Thanks.

this post is going to get REALLY long REALLY fast, and there will be no more threads on this board ever again.

Well, I was hoping that the forum would instead focus on more productive things, like discussing the (good) reviews and the likes.... but maybe I'm being naive.

Great idea, there's just too many threads of too many shitty reviews when one, like this, seems like less cluter.

Could you set slightly stricter guidelines? I mean, if a review does not contribute anything, why keep it around..?

Well as worthless reviews go this is one I think should be gotten rid of:

Welcome to the Hall of Death - 92%
Written by thewickedchild on January 15th, 2003


I bought this cd on a whim a couple years ago, and was pleasantly surprised. Having since heard their other albums, this is the only one I really like. Prior to this album, they had black metal vocals. Their is all clean singing on this album, however. For some reason, I've seen a lot of people cut down on this album (or at least say it was their least favorite), but I have found it to be quite a killer disc. It took me a listen or two to get used to the vocals and occasional war chants, but once that passed, i found myself enjoying this cd greatly. Musically, the cd is fairly interesting. Lyrically, you know what you're getting, it's viking metal. My personal favorites are Home, Out of Ginnungagap, and the somewhat catchy title track.

Its for Einherjer's Odin Owns Ye All. I think this barely contributes dick and says little to nothing of the actual music.

Not completely worthless, not highly valuable.

I agree. Blitz it. I think the guidelines should be stricter, too.

fuck this shit - 30%
Written by Sportswear on March 8th, 2004

LMAO!!! hahaha, fuck what Deicide have done in the past. This is fucking terrible. The stop start riffs were designed for the mall indeed. They think that by releasing press reports like "We are going back to our old style" will honestly sway real metalheads opinions into thinking this audio turd is actually listenable? O_O They must be fucking joking. The stop starts are not even technical, so that cannot be used as an excuse, instead, they are weak and bland so-called rehashed old skool Deicide. The supposed good parts being the old skool rehashed riffs but just a shade of what they haev achieved, the vocals definitely the good part of the CD, they are indeed old skool but are far from saving this piece of turd of an LP. Just STFU Deicide, forget you released this, and continue to play songs from "Deicide" and "Once Upon The Cross" live and we might just forgive you for this self demeaning, worthless crust of semen entering my CD player. haha, they think that solos that go up and down the fretboard simply make their new music anything to appreciate? haha, what fools. If you were entering the "let's get cool with Fred Durst Comp", then fuck, you would be winners. Fuck you for this release, OOONCE UUUPOOON THEEE CROOOOSSSSs all the fucking way!! Thanks, bye..

He barely describes the music, (which reminds me, I *really* need to edit my "Tempo of the Damned" review) but worst of all... such awful grammar!! The Gestapo is going to be the shit out of him. This is terrible.

I think this one isn't that great either. It's for Metallica's I Dissapear. It really contributes nothing...he doesn't justify WHY it's not as bad as people make it out to be. He might as well just have written "I like it, so NYAHHH!!"



Not metallica's best, but good - 80%
Written by Ace on March 27th, 2004


This song is not as bad as people make it out to be, yea so what the lyrics ain't their best but the guitar riffs are good.

Besides being warned by a bunch of Metallica fans not to get this song, i got it and i loved it. It's in my top five songs of all time, it's not old school metallica and it's not St anger metallica, it's kind of inbetween.

I reccomend this to any new metallica fans or anybody new to heavy metal.

did you read any of the other i disappear reviews? thats fucking genius compared to the some of the old ones

Yeah, that one's not so bad. After all, there's only so much one can write about a single song, especially one as devoid of substance as "I Disappear."

Heres another I find pretty much contributes nothing. Its not utter crap but pretty worthless as far as describing the music, considering theres like one sentence dedicated to the music other than vocals, is concerned:

Great music, HORRIBLE vocals - 10%
Written by Thrasher666 on October 29th, 2003

Maniac Butcher is a great black metal band. The riffs on this cd are perfect, the drumming is fast and the lyrics praise Satan and war. The problem I have with this release is the VOCALS. I have absolutely no problem with Barbarud's vocals on studio releases, but his vocals on this release are horrid. He sounds like a cross between Donald Duck and a crying child. This release would be excellent if it was not for the vocals.

If you can somehow block out Barbarud's Donald Duck impersonation, get this cd, because the music will not disappoint you.

For Maniac Butcher's Live In Open Hell.

Bad grammar, well maybe; doesn't describe the music, hell yeah he does! He compares it to previous work (while mentioning which albums he does like), comments about the pretentions the band had with this album, that he thinks they failed them, comments on the quality of the vocals, mentions why he feels the solos are simplistic and useless ("up and down the fretboard"); basically, this review has more content than most of Boris' reviews, even if it's done in a lot crappier english.

The riffs are "perfect", are they?

So he took off 90% for vocals he didn't like? The fellow needs to rethink his mindset when listening to black metal, methinks.

He wasn't even trying.

I nuked half of the I Disappear reviews today. Some of the ones that were on there were simply a disgrace.

What about these? They're 3 sentences:


Are you kidding me, Snxke? 52 whole points??? - 4%
Written by UltraBoris on November 17th, 2002


What he said. It's really that bad. I would give certain species of cow dung a better rating than this. Worst Sucktallica ever. Need I go on? If you liked Load, you might like this. That's how bad it is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RIP... - 52%
Written by Snxke on November 17th, 2002


This single is a terrible reject of a song, only the looped drum/riff section is worth the effort to listen to and the weird "Fat Albert" vocals are just pathetic. Come on guys...even at your worst you weren't THIS awful...

AVOID!!!

SIMPLY GREAT!!!! - 98%
Written by Warcrimer on March 5th, 2004


This is surely one of the best Black Metal releases of 2002 (if not the best one). After "Armoured Bestial Hell" album which disappointed me a little, This one proves that ENthroned is one of the greatest uncompromising Black Metal acts within the scene of today. Great riffing, very good drumming, hateful screams of Sabbathan and thought-over compositions structures make this album a must for everyone being into what Black Metal should be! Hail Enthroned!

Haha, definitely blitz this one. "great riffs, good drumming, hateful screams" is not informative. That could be said about any band.

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=64


Didn't describe the horrible sounds. Blitz?

The epitome of Prog metal - 98%
Written by DRC on March 27th, 2004


When i first heard this album at my friend's house I was immediately drawn to its complex song structures and an incredible storyline. This is a great concept album meaning it portrays a story. The tale begins with a confused young man who becomes a hit man with a revolutionary cult. It follows his exploits and the love of his life, a prostitute turned drug dealing nun named Mary. It may sound strange but once you listen to it you will understand. The only reason I did not give this album a perfect score is for two songs on the album that don't fit it in as well as the others. This is a must have for all fans of Queensryche and Prog-Metal

Like half of the already brief review describes the storyline, the description of the music is limited to the "complex song structures". This album is my favorite of all time, I felt a terrific album such as this album deserves a better review than this!

PFF's reviews are a very mixed bag. He can vary from writing the longest reviews, to producing 2-3 sentence reviews. It has caught my curiousity many a time.

no, no, no - 12%
Written by Sportswear on March 28th, 2004


Boring faggotry based, sperm gargling vocals, simple and stupid Hardcore/Grind riff work. Musically the sound of ripping out my Grand Mother's varicose veins and slapping them against her haemorrhoids sounds more appealing in sound, in theory more fun too, rather than sit here waiting for any real proof of meaning or creativity. Not that all or much Metal screams creativity, this screams no qualities at all really. I'm glad I only got the promo, pre-release rather than waste money on the full shabbang to find I had just paid whatever price for the equivalent of pulling the toilet chain. Give this band some vicious screams, growls, pitch-shifted piggy squeals, low end grunts, whatever, give it something to save it, cause at the moment I am giving it the bin.


Though, if you like Vader at all, you might like this little slice of Ape sperm flavoured AIDS pie.




?

I find reviews like the following among the most annoying...

>>>
are favorite kids are back....and better then ever - 100%
Written by Guy on March 27th, 2004


If i could have given this cd a 666 i would have, but i guess the cup cant overflow. But that shows you how much i fraking love this CD. Top Notch Metal from the the 2nd best Finnish band there is (Finntroll....duh?)
I didnt know what to excpect when i picked this CD up, if it followed suite like other significant releases by "Extreme Metal heavy weights"(In flames,cradle of filth,satyricon) then i was in for a blower of a time. But thankfully this CD blew me out of my chair from the minute i turned it on! Some may stone me for this but i would say this CD is better then all 3 of the other Bodom releases, and they KICKED ASS!

Needled 24/7 gets the ball rolling quite nicely with some brutal riffage and kick ass fretting by the wildchild. And what the hell....am i singing along with a death metal song?!?! And am i liking it??!?

Sixpounder is an excedingly heavy number that makes me laugh every time i hear it (listen to guy in the middle go POUNDER!" And the video for it is freaking great, Bodom is jamming away, a girls getting kidnapped, and Janne Wirman is drinking a 40 oz. HA!

Chokehold keeps things interesting with a little phaser effect for the intro before it pulls into another heavy as hell track.

Bodom Beach Terror starts off with a kick ass lil drum intro before it cuts into faster then fuck thrasher

Angels dont kill slows the tempo alot, but alex always keeps things interesting with his masterful guitar. Very singable song, this is the kinda song you do karreoki (sp?) to, not fucking moonshield (see trigger ep)

Triple Corpse Hammerblow is my personal faorite on the album, alex realy and Janne really go wild with this one. DONT PUSH ME!!!!!

Your better off dead is in my book the weakest track on the album, but still is a considerably solid song, and it wins the best lyrics in the world award.

Lil Blood Red Riding hood.....read the fucking title....case closed

Hate Crew Death Roll is one hell of a song, alex lets the song fly with a COME ON! then the song breaks into 3 and half minutes of head banging action.

Silent scream is a bodomized version of the slayer classic. Never really like the slayer song...but im definaltly down with bodoms version.

if you get the bonus version you get a ramones cover of Somebody put something in my drink, which is a funny little ditty

This Album is a breath of fresh air in a genre that tends to get a little to serious, Alex and Crew may be well over the top (heard them described as the ManOwar of Melodic death metal) But thats really what metal needs nowdays, a band that isnt worried about stupid stereotypes and pressure from the media, a band that wants to go out and have a kick ass good time and entertain the fans with some kick ass music. and how can you not buy a cd with a song titled lil blood red riding hood....best. song. title. ever.

>>>

Such a shit review, riddled with typos and barely describing the music. The most annoying line was "Lil Blood Red Riding hood.....read the fucking title....case closed". Jeez, thanks for that. Case closed on what? Prick.

Enter myass" not Enter andman - 9%
Written by Slayer_7 on March 29th, 2004


first you may know or not that with Metallica Metallica and Nirvana Nevermind and both were big hits in 1991 so both opened the way to another style of metal called nu-metal but of course the real rules came later with Korn and Tool and rap-metal came with Limp Bizkit..

so for me I almost don't like any slow metal but also I find no good reason to hate Mallcore but of course I hate rap-metal so If I wanna some groove slow metal I go get some korn and try to avoid this album because Metallica still don't know the real groove rules but maybe later with "I disappear" Metallica learned well...

and I know this album was a big hit in that time because it was something new for this world and every one was know only the classic metal of maiden or speed metal so they find it something new but now with the whole modern bands this album became nothing at all...

so production as usual is bad especially the guitar tone and Hetfield here suck because he is trying to go screaming and very unmelodic and of course he can't did that good because he is not a growling vocalist and no slow time and fast times no always they go the same.... also many fillers here and the only songs that you can listen to are the first 5 and "nothing else matter" and the rest are just shit fillers and even in the last Metallica DVD they ignored them....

so this album is not thrash also not classic metal rules and finally it's not acceptable mallcore album so it's just plain of shit.....and I don't know why I give it 9% because it only worth 0....and If you wanna get some Metallica go get "justice for all" and that's the only good work they did.....





way too many grammar problems, I can hardly follow it.

Yeah I just saw that one too. The sentence: "so this album is not thrash also not classic metal rules and finally it's not acceptable mallcore album so it's just plain of shit" was a bit unnerving. Is this guy claiming that some mallcore is acceptable?

I accepted that. If grammar problems excluded reviews, we would have to delete all of christkiller's reviews, most of Tom's early reviews and pretty much half of all the reviews on M-A in general. I'm already a review nazi, but I won't kick something out just because it doesn't have perfect English.

Thats a good point and well respected,I just dont think it described the music well either

I couldn't agree more, that review is laghable. It doesn't describe the music in any way, the English isn't just "not perfect"; it's downright horrible and finally his username "Slayer_7" and he's bashing TBA, what a surprise!

I know that last point isn't eligable, but I still say blitz the sucker, or keep it just for the amusing factor.

Heres one that is pretty worthless, while not only barely mentioning music, where it does it is incorrect. Also a few grammatical errors make this really annoying for me.

El Duce's last stand. - 60%
Written by penis on March 12th, 2004


This is a much much much improvement over the last album, "Stool Sample", instead of ripping off the Mentors, they took their main man himself, El Duce! Gardy Loo lost all of their crappy "rock" elements from the last album, and now is a straight forward Metal band, with some hints of Speed Metal. El Duce brings his brilliant mind with his hilarious raunchy lyrics and unmistakable vocals. This is not a great album though, hell, this is not even a good album but compared to "Stool Sample" anything is good.

I'm pretty sure this was the last thing El Duce recorded before he died in 1997. He was pretty burnt out on ideas (and brain cells) by then, but this is an ok release. With songs like "Clitoctomy" and "Senior Citizen Sodomizer" I think the mighty Duce still had some feul in him before he was hit by the train.

The last track is a hidden untitled piece of El Duce talking about toilet tricks.


Too start off "A much improvement"? Gardy Loo didnt steal El Duce, or howerver you put it, by then the Mentors had broken up and each member was doing their own thing. Also this is a straight forward metal album but there are no hints of Speed Metal anywhere, cause I have played this album out and I completely disagree there. I'd also disagree with the statement "This is not a great album though" cause it really is pretty god damn decent, but thats oppinion.
Actually I am pretty sure the last recordings of El Duce were either the Kareoke King Pt 2, or some other unheard recording that Pope Scum Heathen has released on his own label, so your probally wrong there to buddy. Also El Duce was never burnt out, cause he lived to do what he did, so your assertation there seems like bull shit to me.

I say nuke the Metallica review, for these simple reasons:

"so production as usual is bad especially the guitar tone"

"Hetfield here suck because he is trying to go screaming and very unmelodic"

BLATANT IGNORANCE OF FACTS. Plus it's damn near impossible to read and his description of the music (apart from those two bits of idiocy above).

What a fuck-ass.

Intoxicata I am now dumber for having read that. That person needs to be shot.

I don't really claim to have perfect grammar.




I didn't mean it as if they took him away from the Mentors. jeez...




you don't hear the speed metal riffs in "The New Gardy-Loo"? or "Buck Naked"? theres a ton of other examples

i think you're completely wrong




it's an opinion, and if you're going to bitch about grammar, atleast spell some easy words correctly

if you don't like what i said, then write your own review for it.



this was the last album he recorded! i'm pretty damn sure those kareoke tapes are just live bootlegs of his burnt ass singing and that shit Heathen Scum releases are just old material and shit




thats bullshit, i have a few mentors and el duce tapes, one is from 1994 or so and he's on stage by himself barely able to talk and getting hit by cans and shit... he didn't even look alive...

Nonetheless it is a worthless review.

a worthless review is a short 4 sentenced review of St. Anger... atleast i'm not trying to review Iron Maiden or Megadeth for a billionth time

Based on your review, I don't have the slightest clue what this album sounds like, except that it has "speed elements."

maybe i'll update it later with more about the sound

but to me it just sounds like the Mentors with a super clean production, and a few speed metal riffs thrown in

Sorry if this has been posted before.

"The chrushing fun of Impaled Nazarene - 95%
Written by beldegir on March 29th, 2004


As I listened to this Impaled's album I didn't like it at first. But mostly all changed, when Impaled Nazarene played a concert in Latvia. And I can say, that I was really astonished by the show they made. And I also bagan to listen to their music. I can say, that this band is realy a killer. They have this enormly impressive charisma. And this release in reality has that to.
Evil sound, blasting drums, wall- chrushing vocals and stormy guitars- that's all (and more) you can get here. The other nice thing here is the production of the sound here. It's realy "dirty". And that is what makes "Suomi Finland Perkele" so interesting and unforgetable. I think that this cold, even icy sound is the one for this album.
You should also get to the lyrics, realy! If you read them you will understand, why was Impaled Nazarene benned in their own Finland some time ago. I can say- basphemy is the lyrics. And freshnes of fun is also icluded. So it’impossible to get tired here.
Well- "Suomi....." is one of the most original and funny release ever. Get the blasphemeos storm of these Finish killers. "

Maybe it isn't so bad, but I find the illiteracy pretty funny.