Encyclopaedia Metallum: The Metal Archives

Message board

* FAQ    * Search   * Register   * Login 



Reply to topic
Author Message Previous topic | Next topic
TrooperEd
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2004 6:18 pm
Posts: 1890
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2018 11:36 pm 
 

So I'm currently stuck between two punchlines to conclude a review, and I can't decide which one is funnier. Warning the joke is gross.

Here's the setup:

In conclusion, (album) is the harsh reality of first time anal sex with your girlfriend. Sure it may seem exciting, fun, and you may even want the thrill of blaspheming religious authority. Metal is supposed to be about breaking rules, isn't it? Fair points, but you also have a much higher risk of contracting disease, or even worse, (potential poo joke here).

my punchline choices are:

Spoiler: show
a) getting hot poo down your pee-hole.

or

b) your dick is going to smell like shit for at least a week.
_________________
Bring back making metal for metal's sake.

Top
 Profile  
Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3858
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 2:09 pm 
 

Remember, kids, analogies and similes are fine, but they have to follow. The example above is tasteless and bad, sure, but its real failure is that it's confusing because it's broken.

More importantly though, kids, people will try to make you scared of someone else's ass, or worse, scared of your own. Don't be shy. Explore your bodies. Be hygienic, use protection, use lots of lube, and above all: communicate with your partner.
_________________
C/Fe

Top
 Profile  
Xlxlx
Argentinian Asado Supremacy

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 7821
Location: The Land Down Under (no, not THAT one)
PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 2:05 am 
 

Grave_Wyrm wrote:
More importantly though, kids, people will try to make you scared of someone else's ass, or worse, scared of your own. Don't be shy. Explore your bodies. Be hygienic, use protection, use lots of lube, and above all: communicate with your partner.

You are the best person, Tomb_Dragon.
_________________
Napero wrote:
(...) Bolt Thrower is to the soul what coffee is to the earthly shell.

Top
 Profile  
Five_Nails
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 451
PostPosted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 10:53 pm 
 

ThrashFanatic wrote:
Hey guys, I just wrote a review for Coven 6669's "Blessed Is The Black" and it is currently pending approval. If it gets approved, then feel free to give me feedback on it. I tried improving my formula this time around, and I read over it a few times. Let me know on how I can approve if there is anything I missed. Thanks guys!


First off, I'd like to give you kudos on keeping it up and taking the criticism well. That makes you awesome in my book, especially considering the fact that during the same time as you were taking constructive criticism and thinking on it there was someone else doing the exact opposite. It was a great show of how immaturity meets maturity on this forum.

As for the review:

Make sure you keep your verbs in line. Coven is a band, not are. Its members hail from Seattle, but this is just a little thing that makes someone like me immediately roll my eyes when I see a mistake in the first sentence. I've done it plenty of times and it sucks to see just after writing for an hour, posting, and finding a typo right away.

While you definitely show your voice in this latest review, my main gripe for now would be that you aren't honing your words and packaging them into more cohesive thoughts. This is keeping your writing amateurish at best. I know, we're not writing books here and nobody is Homer or Hemmingway, but there are outlying phrases that would do better to fill the body of a paragraph or could just be thrown out entirely. It comes across more as a preacher trying to be cool by flipping around a chair, sitting in it backwards, and 'rapping' with the kids about how cool Jesus was. It never worked in church and it doesn't come off well here when you are an authority on thrash, or at least seem like one considering how many albums you've gone through. 

"and I'll be reviewing it here...", that can just go. We know. 

The criticism in the second paragraph about the production isn't terrible, but rather than negate the criticism with that last line, let the criticism stand, maybe imagine what it could have been if the band rerecorded the album with modern technology. You can still criticize without totally throwing it away like that. It was good enough to say things like "The vocals often bury the guitars and bass" if you're going to talk about how they are played later on anyway. 

It's good to introduce a thought, but you don't need to say "There are two standouts however that I'd like to mention in greater detail." Just jump into it as Philip DeFranco says.

"DEVASTATING RIFFS!" That's a bit much for me. I know, it's a little thing and there's no prescribed manual of style, but as much as it jumps out, it looks garish to me. 

"maybe that's the case who knows?". Now there is a place worthy of elaboration! Describe some of the massacre, maybe try to find if it fits in the lyrics. That kind of pedestrian thought just makes it seem like you're less enthusiastic about the album than you show in your score. You have so many reviews that highly praise all sorts of bands, but with such a pedigree why not capitalize on the obscure moments that many may not of heard of. That's a great place to show off some knowledge rather than, like has been said before, repeating the already known. Also, elaborate on the creativity that you liked in that song. Describing the music is better than just saying you liked it, especially if you're going over 90% on an album.

Try to balance your writing with the score. By that I mean that if the band is truly that great, make sure you do it justice. If a band is totally awful, you can be brutal to it or dismissive. If a band is average, you can be pedestrian, but in all things, describe why you are the way you are with an album and you will be much better for it. Plenty of bands put in a year of work to make an album, some put in a decade. Why not reciprocate with some serious effort if the band truly deserves it?

"I recommend this to fans of Metallica, Metal Church, Powermad, Meliah Rage, and Exodus." Rather than just say you recommend it to fans of those bands, tell us why they fit in with that set. Why are they on par with some of the greats and who are those naysayers that criminally underrate the album? What are detractors saying that you can argue against?

I hope my criticism hasn't been harsh to you. Your voice is your own, it's up to you to make it heard. Right now you're working on it and doing well, but volume isn't anything if it doesn't come with diction and content.
_________________
I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you - Nobody - too?
-Emily Dickinson

Top
 Profile  
ThrashFanatic
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2017 4:27 pm
Posts: 36
PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2018 1:49 am 
 

Five_Nails wrote:
ThrashFanatic wrote:
Hey guys, I just wrote a review for Coven 6669's "Blessed Is The Black" and it is currently pending approval. If it gets approved, then feel free to give me feedback on it. I tried improving my formula this time around, and I read over it a few times. Let me know on how I can approve if there is anything I missed. Thanks guys!


First off, I'd like to give you kudos on keeping it up and taking the criticism well. That makes you awesome in my book, especially considering the fact that during the same time as you were taking constructive criticism and thinking on it there was someone else doing the exact opposite. It was a great show of how immaturity meets maturity on this forum.

As for the review:

Make sure you keep your verbs in line. Coven is a band, not are. Its members hail from Seattle, but this is just a little thing that makes someone like me immediately roll my eyes when I see a mistake in the first sentence. I've done it plenty of times and it sucks to see just after writing for an hour, posting, and finding a typo right away.

While you definitely show your voice in this latest review, my main gripe for now would be that you aren't honing your words and packaging them into more cohesive thoughts. This is keeping your writing amateurish at best. I know, we're not writing books here and nobody is Homer or Hemmingway, but there are outlying phrases that would do better to fill the body of a paragraph or could just be thrown out entirely. It comes across more as a preacher trying to be cool by flipping around a chair, sitting in it backwards, and 'rapping' with the kids about how cool Jesus was. It never worked in church and it doesn't come off well here when you are an authority on thrash, or at least seem like one considering how many albums you've gone through. 

"and I'll be reviewing it here...", that can just go. We know. 

The criticism in the second paragraph about the production isn't terrible, but rather than negate the criticism with that last line, let the criticism stand, maybe imagine what it could have been if the band rerecorded the album with modern technology. You can still criticize without totally throwing it away like that. It was good enough to say things like "The vocals often bury the guitars and bass" if you're going to talk about how they are played later on anyway. 

It's good to introduce a thought, but you don't need to say "There are two standouts however that I'd like to mention in greater detail." Just jump into it as Philip DeFranco says.

"DEVASTATING RIFFS!" That's a bit much for me. I know, it's a little thing and there's no prescribed manual of style, but as much as it jumps out, it looks garish to me. 

"maybe that's the case who knows?". Now there is a place worthy of elaboration! Describe some of the massacre, maybe try to find if it fits in the lyrics. That kind of pedestrian thought just makes it seem like you're less enthusiastic about the album than you show in your score. You have so many reviews that highly praise all sorts of bands, but with such a pedigree why not capitalize on the obscure moments that many may not of heard of. That's a great place to show off some knowledge rather than, like has been said before, repeating the already known. Also, elaborate on the creativity that you liked in that song. Describing the music is better than just saying you liked it, especially if you're going over 90% on an album.

Try to balance your writing with the score. By that I mean that if the band is truly that great, make sure you do it justice. If a band is totally awful, you can be brutal to it or dismissive. If a band is average, you can be pedestrian, but in all things, describe why you are the way you are with an album and you will be much better for it. Plenty of bands put in a year of work to make an album, some put in a decade. Why not reciprocate with some serious effort if the band truly deserves it?

"I recommend this to fans of Metallica, Metal Church, Powermad, Meliah Rage, and Exodus." Rather than just say you recommend it to fans of those bands, tell us why they fit in with that set. Why are they on par with some of the greats and who are those naysayers that criminally underrate the album? What are detractors saying that you can argue against?

I hope my criticism hasn't been harsh to you. Your voice is your own, it's up to you to make it heard. Right now you're working on it and doing well, but volume isn't anything if it doesn't come with diction and content.


Thanks so much for the advice, I appreciate it! I will try harder next time, I'll get rid of the "I'll be reviewing it here", "DEVASTATING RIFFS", "who knows?" and I'll also try to put more descriptive detail when I talk about the music. I'll also explain why the band sounds similar to other bands and I will try my very hardest. Thanks again, and I will return here once I write my next review.

Top
 Profile  
Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3858
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2018 2:06 pm 
 

ThrashFanatic wrote:
I will try my very hardest.

I'm sure you will. I want to second Five_Nails's support of your constructive attitude. It will serve you well.

Five_Nails gave you a lot of good advice. While you're working on your piece, remember to focus more on the spirit and over all effect that his advice provides more than in making the precise edits. You have a personal style to develop here and a hell of a lot of enthusiasm and willingness. Remember that the advice given here is, one hopes, done with the intent to help you refine your craft. For instance DEVASTATING RIFFS!! could perhaps be made more pallatable by making it normal case letters instead of cutting it entirely. Stuff like that. A note isn't necessarily a cut, and any note is only a suggestion.

Keep up the good work. We look forward to seeing what you do next.
_________________
C/Fe

Top
 Profile  
eva_daymon
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2018 11:14 am
Posts: 1
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 5:19 am 
 

Hi, My last review is rejected, but i don't know why
Can anyone tell me why ?
Here it is:
************************
First of all, I must say that I found this band quite accidentally.
The band was founded nine years ago and now releasing its debut album titled
"Goddess of the Moon".

The first impression of this album is that
it's very layered and after each listening reveals more and more details.
The songs do not have a standard structure. Styles and music are largely self contained and not quickly assimilated.
The opening track Land of Perun begins with the sound of the viola da gamba, this instrument sounds in the most songs, together with
other instruments such as the tambura and baroque flute.

Very melodic and unfolding music, complex rhythms and epic choir parts and above all this the beautiful voice of the vocalist Kremena Nikolova.
The good thing about this band is that they do not try to copy anyone but create their own distinctive style.
The final song Some Other World is a true pearl with the sound of piano, complex rhythm and beautiful choir parts.

Highly recommended for fans of Epica, Amberian Down and Leave's Eyes
************************

Top
 Profile  
Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3858
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 10:28 pm 
 

This composition is up to Lack of sufficient musical description. Formatting is confusing, why not use actual paragraphs? It's the barest sketch of that might become something if you took the time to flesh out everything, but really you just need to read the rules as well as some other reviews here and see for yourself.
_________________
C/Fe

Top
 Profile  
TrooperEd
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2004 6:18 pm
Posts: 1890
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 2:35 pm 
 

Please help me smooth out the edges.

Spoiler: show
If you've read some of my reviews, one thing about metal culture these days that particularly irks me is that practically every band these days has their own fucking sub-genre. Symphonic metal; blackened grindcore; viking metal (ha); melodic death metal (hahaha). "Well it doesn't quite sound like Black Sabbath, so we should call it a different kind of metal." Motherfucker, Van Morrison quite sound like Bob Dylan, they were still both folk singer-songwriter! Lemmy, while he was still amongst us, also remarked "...so-called heavy metal, whatever you want to call it, I call it rock & roll. Because it is the logical successor to original rock & roll."

It is this logic I draw from when I say so-called power metal, I call it plain old classic metal/heavy metal/traditional metal. Imaginations From The Other Side is a watershed moment in metal. Sure metal had branched off in all sorts of directions by 1995, but here, Blind Guardian had managed to take all the Paranoids, the Number of the Beasts, the Ace of Spades etc., of the world and weave them into one strange and ethereal, but no less seminal slab of metal. There's even a few Kill Em Alls and Spreading The Diseases thrown into the mix. After the vocalist beheading catastrophe of all the old guard of 1991-94, it is Imaginations From The Other Side that comes forth to lead the new generation into a new era of Crazy Trains, Run To The Hills and You've Got Another Thing Comins for a new era of frustrated high school guys and dolls, roving bikers and bar room brawlers. Except that the awful American record industry apparently decided this was a bit too dungeons and dragons for the world, completely forgetting that not 4 years early they had genuine adult male 18-34 demographic success with a song who's chorus went "Exit light, enter night, take my hand <u>we're off to never, never land</u>." God, its depressing when metalheads fall under the stereotype of the numbskull. Just cos we have the brawn doesn't mean we have the brains. But yea, this was unfortunately eschewed by the Vh1 Classic narrative in favor of the already over the hill grunge leftovers, the too far up Anal Cunt's cunt of Great Southern Trendkill, and whatever whiny diarrhea was being boiled by the Korns and Sepulturas of the world.

Plain & simply, this is metal songwriting. Something that alot of critics get wrong as that this was not the same old gunk, dressed up in new clothes. There is plenty of original guitar work here that hadn't quite been seen in the classics of decades before Imaginations. While it is true that this is where Blind Guardian start to pile on the overdubs for the sake of making a sound (in some cases to their own detriment), a simple isolation of these guitar lines reveal a staggering amount of ingenuity. Of course, one way to cheat this system is by simply listening to the live versions of these songs on future live albums. The title track alone reveals what is quite possibly the greatest guitar lick of the decade hiding under its 20,000 arena packing chorus. This is what "digging deeper to find something under the surface" means kids. Not to mention the song's additional secondary licks under the later pre-choruses give the song a sense of tension without falling victim to Dimebag-esque squealing.

Other highlights of the album include I'm Alive, which manages to pull off the impossible task of being blindingly fast while integrating clean guitar and almost ballad-esque elements to the speed metal formula. Another Holy War is catchier than Easter rabbit herpes on a castle knocker, as are Script for My Requiem and Bright Eyes, with the latter taking a more midpaced, but no less effective approach. Then of course, And The Story Ends wraps the whole thing up in spectacular, yet anthemic fashion. It's ironic that a German power metal band is a much better example of finding authentic, creative success when expanding one's artistic canvas than all the Orions and Nothing Else Matters of the world ever could.

Imaginations From The Other Side isn't quite as meat and potatoes as a Land of the Free, a Sacrifice or a Burnt Offerings, but it is ultimately the most rewarding metal album of the year, and easily a shining beacon of the genre in the stubbornly mis-documented 90s decade. Any list that doesn't have this album in the top 10 of the decade is more bogus that Bill & Ted finding about they're about to have a large spike shoved through their peepees. It is a quintessential war declaration from the true earthly masters of the genre, the Europeans. A bugle call of bands that will let the genre fall to victim of wallet chains and manufactured frustrations over their cold dead bodies. Buy this sucker post haste.
_________________
Bring back making metal for metal's sake.

Top
 Profile  
TrooperEd
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2004 6:18 pm
Posts: 1890
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 9:06 pm 
 

Wait, where'd Five_nails critique go? I wanted to use it!
_________________
Bring back making metal for metal's sake.

Top
 Profile  
BastardHead
Worse than the PMRC

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 8890
Location: Elgin, Illinois
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 9:44 pm 
 

That's uh... not a good one.

It's the same issue you had with the original draft of your VDoP review, where you spend over half of the review talking about bands that are completely irrelevant to the album at hand. Going on and on and on about how subgenres are dumb because "it's all metal" is the most bafflingly nooby thing you've said in eons, and is the exact opposite of helpful in this sort of write-up. It leads to you constantly comparing it to bands and albums that it sounds precisely nothing like (never thought I'd see Sabbath, Motorhead, and fuckin Anthrax namedropped in a Blind Guardian review) and it makes it look like you only know ten metal bands. The third paragraph is mostly good, that's the kind of thing you need to focus on. Focus on what the album in question brings to the table. Referencing the context of the time around it is obviously a good thing but you harp on that more than the music itself and you do it in a really misguided way that constantly ties it to scenes that it never had any sort of attachment to. After the paragraph about the title track you speed through the rest of the album in a way that makes it look like you have to finish and submit the review before you clock out and go home in five minutes. The random dick joke in the final paragraph is also so forced and cringey that I got embarrassed and I didn't even write it. Obviously I of all people will tend to let crude humor be so it's not necessarily a rejectable offense, but it's really bad and one of the more blatantly tryhard instances you've come up with in a while.

But really, for fuck sake lose the god damned chip on your shoulder about power metal not getting popular in America. It's so fucking played out from you at this point, I could write up a damn bingo card and black the whole thing out with each review of yours. We get it, you don't like grunge or groove metal and you're really salty that they became the new standard for heavy, edgy rock music in the 90s instead of more traditional metal resurgence in Europe but by now it's like you're arguing with your spouse and keep angrily stomping out of the bedroom and shouting "AND ANOTHER THING!" Because of this you keep doing weird shit like praising Blind Guardian for not descending into Dimebag-isms when they've been wholly detached from that scene from the outset of their career. OF COURSE they write riffs that Pantera wouldn't, same reason that Sodom doesn't include trap EDM in their songs. This has zero value in a review of a German power metal album. Maybe it might be worth mentioning something about it if you were writing about an album from a band that was once a pioneer in the 80s that found itself suddenly irrelevant and struggling to play catch up in 90s, but that doesn't describe Blind Guardian in the slightest. It's like you can't wrap your head around the fact that two things aren't related even though they happened around the same time. The joke around here is that you're secretly Eddie Trunk and things like that only reinforce the joke, it's like you're incapable of seeing things any way other than through the filter of major label releases in America. It's out of touch and frankly pretty incompetent on your part to constantly link these two completely separate scenes purely out of a long standing frustration with your preferred style not becoming a cultural phenomenon in your home country.

Let. It. Go.
_________________
Don't forget to vote in the MA Album of the Year 2018 Poll!
Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEW: Wombripper - From the Depths of Flesh
The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang

Top
 Profile  
TrooperEd
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2004 6:18 pm
Posts: 1890
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 9:57 pm 
 

Well the argument that I'm trying to make is that power metal is simply the next evolutionary step of what the 70s and 80s masters began with their more rock & roll influenced styles of metal. I didn't mean to say "it's all metal" in regards to every genre. Obviously Obituary needs a separate classification from WASP, but I don't think Hammerheart really needs a separate classification from Candlemass or Manowar (to use an example). Perhaps I could have been slightly more discriminating with my classic album examples (substitute Ace of Spades for Stained Class or British Steel, I don't know).

Also the Eddie Trunk joke doesn't really work because he doesn't shill power metal even though he really should. I think I'm more mad about that than anything else. :lol: Not to mention if I was, I'd probably be pestering you guys about adding UFO to the archives. :lol:

But yeah thanks for that feedback.
_________________
Bring back making metal for metal's sake.

Top
 Profile  
Deathdoom1992
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat May 07, 2016 9:19 am
Posts: 352
Location: Wallowing in a sea of sorrow.
PostPosted: Thu Apr 12, 2018 1:19 pm 
 

Okay, this is a review for Krokus's Change of Address. It's still a first draft but I feel like I've gone into excessive detail on some points and not gone into enough detail for musical description. Thanks in advance for any feedback, and apologies as it contains the on-site formatting for bolds and italics which may be a pain in the ass for you to read. Also, it's missing a conclusion, but I'll write that later when I'm happy with the main body of the review.

Spoiler: show
Ah, the much-maligned <i>Change of Address</i>, <b>Krokus</b>'s very own <i>St. Anger</i>. Where to start with this album? Well, perhaps the best place to start is something of a defense for it. Sure, it's a sub-par album. But that's the worst of it. Sub-par, not the musical abortion it's made out to be. <b>Krokus</b> themselves claim the sound is due to record label pressure, but from what I hear on here, this is very much <i>The Blitz</i> taken further in the direction of cliched '80s hard rock. And it's not even like it's a radical deviation from their established sound: whilst albums like <i>Metal Rendez-vous</i> are undeniably heavier, <i>Change of Address</i> remains in the general vicinity of the band's hard rock roots (well, their roots during the Storace years).

I don't know why I feel so compelled to defend this. It's irrational. This album isn't even good. But contrarily, it's not awful, as it is made out to be. And maybe it's just the fact I have a soft spot for <b>Krokus</b>. I don't know why. Possibly it's because of the struggle they had to break onto the international scene in a country with no rock or metal pedigree to speak of, but most likely it's because of the amateurish, endearing nature of their endeavours. I mean, as much as I love 'em, I don't think <b>Krokus</b> have written a truly original song to date.

But onto this album itself. My defense has concluded, and we must therefore examine the flaws which become painfully apparent on a single listen to this album. First, a persistent issue in hard rock albums throughout the 1980s: a drum sound which implies a drum machine rather than a human drummer (not the case: not only does Jeff Klaven perform drums on this album, he has co-writing credits on most songs), including a snare that I assume was meant to sound futuristic/modern, and/or poppy but it just sounds, well... bad and cheesy. As I mention, this is a general problem with '80s hard rock, not just <b>Krokus</b>. Seriously, just listen to <b>ZZ Top</b>'s '83 blockbuster <i>Eliminator</i> and you'll hear the same drum sound, I promise.

Flaw number 2, however, is very much band-specific. I touched on <b>Krokus</b>'s stuggle to be..... umm, actually good, rather than just enjoyable, and here it shows through worse than ever. It could be that preceding albums had stronger material surrounding the duds, or it could even be that the earlier Storace albums just had a level of energy which concealed the, err, inconsistencies of the songwriting. But here it is painfully obvious that the band was just churning out shit for half of the album to pad out the runtime. I mean "Say Goodbye" and "Hard Luck Hero"... c'mon, the latter is practically written in cliches, and that goes for the music to both of those tracks too: simply generic hard rock, with no draw and nothing to grab the attention.

On the other hand, this album has some songs which almost, <i>almost</i> rescue it from its sub-par status. Like album opener "Now". What a song it is, pure trash in the best possible way: absolutely no purpose, but fantastically catchy, just like the best hard rock. It has all the depth of a puddle, and is about as cerebral as, I dunno, a not-cerebral thing, but that matters not one iota because it's just <i>fun</i>, which I think was in general something <b>Krokus</b> missed out on when making this album. And then, of course, there's songs like "World on Fire", all melodramatic heavy metal and even more melodramatic lyrics about, what else, love and relationships (a recurring theme), but six minutes of entertainment nonetheless.

Top
 Profile  
SleeperManShish
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:50 am
Posts: 8
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 5:49 pm 
 

Hey people, I wrote a big Om review that got rejected a couple times, I tried editing out a part where I mashed my hand into the keyboard because there was an exciting part, but it still got rejected... The mod asked me to post it here.

I'm not complaining, I know it's kind of a slobbering mess of a review but I chiseled away at the slobbers for a while to get it as good as I could (keyboard mash not included in that tbh) and just the way I liked. But just lemme know the offending parts & I'll chop them out / tone them down. Maybe there's stuff missing too but O GOD I don't even want to think about that side of things...

Spoiler: show
BLUNTED IN THE OM SHELTER

There is a man standing in a large, darkened room. This room is full of other people and the air is thick with their sweat and breath. The walls are wet from it, the floor slippery. It probably stinks too, but the man doesn’t smell it. In this room he can hardly feel any of his senses. There’s something happening off in one of the corners, something weird, that everyone can feel, but can’t quite see or hear properly. The man is squinting through the crowd, in the direction of the feeling, and for a moment thinks he sees someone, something, squinting back.

As time passes, the strange sensation that everyone can feel becomes so huge and powerful that the whole room evolves into one big disorientated mess. The man suddenly realises he has no idea how long he’s been in this room for. Then he realises he can’t remember how he got to this room. Then he realises he doesn’t care. As this unrelenting phenomenon grows and grows, the man slowly, unconsciously, decides to accept this moment totally on it’s own terms, and for an instant, loses all concept of past or future, surrendering himself to the immortal state of Right-Fucking-Now.

As the world around him slows down to almost nothing, the man first senses a feeling of weightlessness in the top of his head, slowly travelling down his spine, into his diaphragm and upwards to his throat, until finally, arms outstretched, his eyes open but unfocused and with his head rolling back on his shoulders he lets out a mighty yell, an ecstatic wail, in an undeniable expression of pure being.

The man is YOU and he’s been listening to OM – LIVE AT JERUSALEM¹.


MOMMY WHAT'S A OM?

Although the event of this man hollering beautifully in appreciation of the sound of Om actually happened at the gig these recording are taken from, and is not only wonderfully audible on this record but is also SO LOUD that it’s impossible to ignore, that’s not really what I’m talking about here. Because where other live albums document a gig or series of gigs, LIVE AT JEREUSALEM does not. And where other live albums at their best serve as a band-in-their-prime Greatest Hits set, LIVE AT JERUSALEM emphatically does not. LIVE AT JERUSALEM does something else altogether, and that’s why I’m not writing about it as a record; I’m writing about it as an experience. BUT I’m not writing about it as the live experience of being there either; I’m writing about it as the experience of listening to the live record. So uh, yeah.

Let’s face it, most live albums fall into the two categories above; warts ‘n’ all document or Greatest Hits set, or worse yet, rely on some kinda back-story to fire the listener’s imagination or elevate the music to something beyond what’s there. I remember as a young kiddo, on holiday in France, snaffling up a cheap copy of Jimi Hendrix’s live at Woodstock album (my first double CD, daddy!) & being so giddy with excitement and anticipation that I was practically EATING THE CD BOOKLET WITH MY EYES to placate myself until we got back to where I was staying so I could slap the CD in the player, strap myself in & get ready to HAVE MY MIND INSTANTLY FUCKED FOREVER!!! Of course the album’s passable versions of Purple Haze, Voodoo Chile et al interspersed with some (admittedly ferocious at times) jamming hardly kept me awake never mind change my life. In fact it’s one of the rare albums I bought that I don’t even own anymore. Loaned it to someone and never bothered chasing to get it back. Weirdly the same guy who has my 1st copy of VARIATIONS ON A THEME, but of course I bought that one again because it's a stone-cold-classic.

AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaanyway,

LIVE AT JERUSALEM is full of wonderful fucking mystery and plays fast and loose with the facts. Unlike Hendrix (or whoever) at Woodstock there’s only a handful of things you need to know about this “gig” and they’re all dubious as fuck anyway.
1. An obvious one, but supposedly recorded in Jerusalem. I mean REALLY? Now I have more faith in Om than most but even I’d be surprised that the band who left the US fucking twice or something went to all the way to Jerusalem to do THIS… then again, maybe they are that perverse.
2. Supposedly “live”, although the totally perfect and supremely clear-in-the-mix with nice separation vocals on Bhima’s Theme would suggest otherwise, given the nature of Al’s singing on most bootlegs, and also given that they completely kick the arse off the vocals on even the studio version.
3. Om supposedly played for 8 or 9 hours at this gig, and while I instantly believe two of the doods who had recorded an hour long song in the past would attempt an 9 hour gig, I think it’s a kinda ropey concept for a band who had only three fairly short albums and a couple singles under their belts by this point. I mean we’d be talking over 6 hours of extra material they’d have to conjure/jam up. Besides, the drugs would definitely wear off over the course of the gig, unless they had a stone-roadie bong-feeding them hits or giving them noseblasts while they played.

After this you are on your own, and more than most records I've heard, even having an idea of the band you're listening to doesn't help you out much.


CLEAR AS MUD

When you drop the needle on this record you can hear someone in the murky distance introducing something... maybe a song... or the buffet is open... or someone's taxi is here... it's hard to say for sure. Then, also in the distance, you have a deep fizzling rumble like the grand canyon emitted a gigantic perpetual fart. There are massive resonant objects colliding with each other, these are also in the distance, in fact everything you hear when you spin this disc is in some blackened semi-distinguishable corner of the near-distance.

Except the cymbal. The cymbal is VERY NEAR you and is so, so, so fucking loud. The drummer absolutely goes to town on the bell of this cymbal like it was a button that kept the world spinning and it will definitely give you hearing damage. Yes, although most of this record is so fucked it's hard to tell who or what is making any particular sound, the cymbal is undoubtedly played by the graceful and merciless right arm of Chris Hakius. You can tell it's him because the love Chris Hakius has for the bell of his cymbal is truly something from the plot of an epic romantic novel.

I can only hope she loves him back as much, although I suspect Chris would be happy to love her forever from literally arm's length away, and want for nothing in this world as long as he could listen to her sing sweet, metallic and true to the rhythm of his heart. Truly he is a lucky man.

Once the sense of rhythm is established by that unrelenting tolling of Hakius' sweetheart then the rumbling mucktone burbling underneath straightens and rights itself in my ears and into the always confusing riff of Flight Of The Eagle. I've been listening to this song for what, 12 years now? And I've never fully trained my mind to hear that intro riff the right way round, despite hearing it repeated for over and over with impeccable drum accompaniment directly after the intro. What's that all about?

May it disorientate us forevermore. Some people think they need drugs to get that kick but they don't really, they just need to be suitably disorientated and Flight Of The Eagle is a tremendous way to do it without putting anything in your bloodstream and therefore without the fucking police even having a clue. Yes I'll blow into your little tube officer, hold on a moment while I blast this song and become even more pie-eyed than before while I'm at it hee hee

Then I imagine both I and the officer would just sway about like bin bags on valium in a slight breeze and be confused brothers forever. You can't put a price on that kind of thing really.

But back to this recording. As usual, Al's bass sound is like two massive, massive highly-aroused gonads filled with 100% pure manna, which will never, never, never ejaculate, but they WILL impregnate the world continuously and forever with their tremendous vibes just by sheer charm and the glint in their owner's eye. "Oh take me into your arms, Al's bass sound's gonad's owner!!!" shriek all the female entities of the Universe. "Let's forget everything and dance away the rest of our hearing and youth to your wonderful fuzz-voice!!!"

And lo, the universe did swoon and sway and sigh contentedly as Al's big bass burred all the way through this particular take of Flight Of The Eagle and it was just grand, just like the good old days and the whole thing was feeling nostalgic before it was even over. I suppose there isn't a lot to say about Flight Of The Eagle that hasn't already been said. It's just an expertly semi-written unknowable jet-black monolith in the massive jigsaw of perfectly square pieces that make up Om's holy discography, no more, no less.

It is however a real pleasure and a marvel to hear Al's bass sound in this particularly shitey lo-fi semi-semi-audible context, and it's impressive that it sounds not only as good as it does on the studio records, it sounds about 3 hectares larger in the wild.

I don't know if you can remember what you were doing on the night of December 5th 2007 but I bet it was fucking great. Whatever it was, it was Al's bass sound it made that happen. I looked back through my diary, and you know, it never seemed to remarkable at the time, but while Al's bass was rumbling through Jerusalem it must have been about the same time I had that tremendous blow-job while that primo-quality speed-bomb exploded into my bloodstream, as I ate the best ever ice-cream of my life and I won £50 on a scratchcard with my free hand. So deep thanks to Al's bass sound from me, and hopefully from you too, you ungrateful bastard.


WELL AL BE DAMNED

Also significantly different from the studio recordings is the other third of Om's sound; Al's voice. There's something deeply endearing about Al's singing, you know. Although he mostly sounds like a cross between Bob Dylan, Pandit Pran Nath and a stoned duck, I just find it touching how he strains his every sinew to sing in tune(ish) despite the fact that his whole body is juddering with absolute ecstasy.

Listening to Al sing on this song, a kind of patriotic feeling swells up in me for no good reason, like I watched Gigi Buffon and Rino Gattuso deliver a particularly spirited version of the Italian national anthem before a World Cup quarter final. I'm not Italian, I have no idea what they're singing about and if I did it would probably be quite shite, but it bursts my heart anyway. Actually I probably have even less idea what Al is singing about in his allegedly English lyrics but there's a veritable sunrise in my chest as I hear him fight with every inch of his being to hit those notes despite being severely debilitated by sheer pride.

I would sing an anthem from Om you know. I would swear allegiance to the flag of Om, if Om weren't so righteous to reject the notion of flags and borders. Yes, this is ecstatic music in a new form. And where Pandit Pran Nath could achieve no less than actual ecstasy by virtue of his perfect singing, Al achieves no less than actual singing by the virtue of his perfect ecstasy.

Flight Of The Eagle features Al in prime duckpuff mode, but the flip-side, a cavernous racket that is supposed to be Bhima's Theme is a different kettle of cannabinoids. I like having a loving pop at Al's vocals for being so unashamedly flat as a week-old pancake and thin as John Cooper Clarke at Ramadan. But this live version of Bhima's Theme comes along and shuts my lying fingers the fuck up.

Except it actually DOESN'T because it's obviously an overdub added at a later date and my fingers are having a fucking RIOT with this one Cisneros! AHAHAHA!!! There is a SHIT-TONNE of meaning to be found in this overdub and my fingers are hungry for it, hungry to type it out all over this screen. But I'll reign them in a bit because the coffee machine at work broke down today I'm fucking pissed off so they're not getting indulged too much tonight I'll tell you that for nothing #WORSTDAYEVERRROMG

The idea of a vocal overdub on a live Om recording is hilarious and righteous because it proves that there is actually some weird kind of Quality Control department at Om towers, and of all the things they decided were unfit for our ears on this release it was Al's vocals on ONE song.

FUCK YES!!!

It's going to be OK listener, it's all going to be fine. Al & Chris have been through this release with a fine comb and those piercing cymbal hits and 60% audible bass frequencies are just as Om intended. Stop thinking so much you spoiled little fanny. Lord knows I'm trying. This is the same Quality Control team that decided they needed to do those absolutely bizarre bass punch-ins on the CONFERENCE OF THE BIRDS version of At Giza. What could they possibly be covering up with those overdubs that would be more inappropriate than a completely different bass sound jumping in for the occasional bar? I refuse to believe Al Cisneros has ever played a wrong note in his life, and especially in Om songs that have on average 3 notes per riff, so I can only assume it must have been someone shouting slanderous comments through the bass takes or something along those lines. I suppose we'll have to wait till the 50th anniversary COMPLETE CONFERENCE OF THE BIRDS SESSIONS box-set to know for sure.

But anyway, everyone should be familiar with the formalities of Bhima's Theme by now and if you aren't by now then honestly, go fuck an emu because you just aren't even trying.

Al's vocal is studio-quality and a damn good take to be honest, the high voice in the quiet part is much less strained at pained as on the PILGRIMAGE version, so this makes for a surprisingly chilled middle-eighty before A&C suddenly bludgeon their way back into the song's heavy section at full throttle and with frankly ridiculous force, up there with the most ten-tonne tremendous moments in Om's catalogue. But enough with the pleasantries, the next part of this song is the final curtain.


HEY HEY WE'RE THE OMKEYS

I feel a bit mean narrating the events from here on in, as it might spoil the fun for anyone who hasn't heard yet. And let's be honest, most people who have heard it won't have failed to notice the absolute molten brain damage displayed on the end of this track. But it's also true that within the monstrous track durations, maddening repetition and deadpan delivery, it can be easy to sometimes mistake spectacular moments for amateurish drivel. But there is nothing of the sort on Om records and this is a moment that deserves everyone's full attention. Al sounds quite unwell.

A few years ago, Channel 4 commissioned their straight-laced and sensible news anchor to lie in an MRI scanner and inhale vaporised super skunk, to illustrate the dangerous effects of these new extra-strong variants of cannabis. Unsurprisingly, the sheer insanity of blasting this first-time stoner with the strongest weed known to man, while horizontal in a horrible disorientating ceramic purgatory left the presenter feeling "utterly bereft" in "the darkest mental place I have ever been" and turned him off weed for life.

The final section to this version of Bhima's Theme must be the only slice of recorded sound that could even slightly resemble what must have been going on in his head. Twenty-odd years of paring down the already mongotoid basslines and vocal melodies, churning over and over, ever closer to the sweet spot, deeper and deeper into it's own riff-tail Cisneros chewed, finally brought to this point, when all he could do was throw back his head slack-jawed and mouth agape and wail "OHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHH" along to his bass riff for no particular reason, for no particular duration even, just until his lungs are empty. Then another gulp of air and "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHHHHH" once again until he's exhausted completely and the bass is left hanging, feeding-back and also wailing to itself, free of the will of Cisneros or anyone in the universe, nothing left on his side of the stage as Hakius feels his partner give way and bursts into a higher tempo in a last-dash race to the Maker.


AL BE MISSING YOU

Remember our Romantic Novel metaphor? Hakius and his cymbal bell? Well it's amazing and totally fitting that the last thing you hear on this record is Chris Hakius alone with him drum kit, pounding away carefree, as the engineer reluctantly pulls the fader down on the drummer's genuinely unique recording career. It's the sound of Chris and the bell (or "belle"? OH FUCK, METAPHOR OVERLOAD!!!) of his cymbal running away together, hand in hand, in perfect love, happily ever after, over the horizon and into silence.

I like to think that that's where he is now, now free of the need to be free, free of the need for the magic of Om and the wild mung-ride of Om's music. Maybe he and the cymbal of his bell have settled down somewhere, a farmhouse maybe, a chateaux, a wheelie bin, I dunno, their own little corner of the world anyway, and raised their own little family of cymbal-children. And I like to think that maybe, the eldest, most clear-eyed, contented bell-child of all, they named Al.

I salute you Chris Hakius, wherever you are.


¹ I know that chicks dig Om too, but let’s be honest the ratio must be something like 1:50 in chicks:man stakes. So for readable compromise it’s gonnae be “man” for here just now, but prove me wrong, honeys!!!

Top
 Profile  
SleeperManShish
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:50 am
Posts: 8
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:00 am 
 

OK I edited down a bit further and took out a couple bits about the stoned news presenter in the MRI scanner and my coffee machine being broken, which were superfluous as fuck now I think about it, hopefully the mods are good with it this time (y)

Spoiler: show
BLUNTED IN THE OM SHELTER

There is a man standing in a large, darkened room. This room is full of other people and the air is thick with their sweat and breath. The walls are wet from it, the floor slippery. It probably stinks too, but the man doesn’t smell it. In this room he can hardly feel any of his senses. There’s something happening off in one of the corners, something weird, that everyone can feel, but can’t quite see or hear properly. The man is squinting through the crowd, in the direction of the feeling, and for a moment thinks he sees someone, something, squinting back.

As time passes, the strange sensation that everyone can feel becomes so huge and powerful that the whole room evolves into one big disorientated mess. The man suddenly realises he has no idea how long he’s been in this room for. Then he realises he can’t remember how he got to this room. Then he realises he doesn’t care. As this unrelenting phenomenon grows and grows, the man slowly, unconsciously, decides to accept this moment totally on it’s own terms, and for an instant, loses all concept of past or future, surrendering himself to the immortal state of Right-Fucking-Now.

As the world around him slows down to almost nothing, the man first senses a feeling of weightlessness in the top of his head, slowly travelling down his spine, into his diaphragm and upwards to his throat, until finally, arms outstretched, his eyes open but unfocused and with his head rolling back on his shoulders he lets out a mighty yell, an ecstatic wail, in an undeniable expression of pure being.

The man is YOU and he’s been listening to OM – LIVE AT JERUSALEM¹.


MOMMY WHAT'S A OM?

Although the event of this man hollering beautifully in appreciation of the sound of Om actually happened at the gig these recording are taken from, and is not only wonderfully audible on this record but is also SO LOUD that it’s impossible to ignore, that’s not really what I’m talking about here. Because where other live albums document a gig or series of gigs, LIVE AT JEREUSALEM does not. And where other live albums at their best serve as a band-in-their-prime Greatest Hits set, LIVE AT JERUSALEM emphatically does not. LIVE AT JERUSALEM does something else altogether, and that’s why I’m not writing about it as a record; I’m writing about it as an experience. BUT I’m not writing about it as the live experience of being there either; I’m writing about it as the experience of listening to the live record. So uh, yeah.

Let’s face it, most live albums fall into the two categories above; warts ‘n’ all document or Greatest Hits set, or worse yet, rely on some kinda back-story to fire the listener’s imagination or elevate the music to something beyond what’s there. I remember as a young kiddo, on holiday in France, snaffling up a cheap copy of Jimi Hendrix’s live at Woodstock album (my first double CD, daddy!) & being so giddy with excitement and anticipation that I was practically EATING THE CD BOOKLET WITH MY EYES to placate myself until we got back to where I was staying so I could slap the CD in the player, strap myself in & get ready to HAVE MY MIND INSTANTLY FUCKED FOREVER!!! Of course the album’s passable versions of Purple Haze, Voodoo Chile et al interspersed with some (admittedly ferocious at times) jamming hardly kept me awake never mind change my life. In fact it’s one of the rare albums I bought that I don’t even own anymore. Loaned it to someone and never bothered chasing to get it back. Weirdly the same guy who has my 1st copy of VARIATIONS ON A THEME, but of course I bought that one again because it's a stone-cold-classic.

AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaanyway,

LIVE AT JERUSALEM is full of wonderful fucking mystery and plays fast and loose with the facts. Unlike Hendrix (or whoever) at Woodstock there’s only a handful of things you need to know about this “gig” and they’re all dubious as fuck anyway.
1. An obvious one, but supposedly recorded in Jerusalem. I mean REALLY? Now I have more faith in Om than most but even I’d be surprised that the band who left the US fucking twice or something went to all the way to Jerusalem to do THIS… then again, maybe they are that perverse.
2. Supposedly “live”, although the totally perfect and supremely clear-in-the-mix with nice separation vocals on Bhima’s Theme would suggest otherwise, given the nature of Al’s singing on most bootlegs, and also given that they completely kick the arse off the vocals on even the studio version.
3. Om supposedly played for 8 or 9 hours at this gig, and while I instantly believe two of the doods who had recorded an hour long song in the past would attempt an 9 hour gig, I think it’s a kinda ropey concept for a band who had only three fairly short albums and a couple singles under their belts by this point. I mean we’d be talking over 6 hours of extra material they’d have to conjure/jam up. Besides, the drugs would definitely wear off over the course of the gig, unless they had a stone-roadie bong-feeding them hits or giving them noseblasts while they played.

After this you are on your own, and more than most records I've heard, even having an idea of the band you're listening to doesn't help you out much.


CLEAR AS MUD

When you drop the needle on this record you can hear someone in the murky distance introducing something... maybe a song... or the buffet is open... or someone's taxi is here... it's hard to say for sure. Then, also in the distance, you have a deep fizzling rumble like the grand canyon emitted a gigantic perpetual fart. There are massive resonant objects colliding with each other, these are also in the distance, in fact everything you hear when you spin this disc is in some blackened semi-distinguishable corner of the near-distance.

Except the cymbal. The cymbal is VERY NEAR you and is so, so, so fucking loud. The drummer absolutely goes to town on the bell of this cymbal like it was a button that kept the world spinning and it will definitely give you hearing damage. Yes, although most of this record is so fucked it's hard to tell who or what is making any particular sound, the cymbal is undoubtedly played by the graceful and merciless right arm of Chris Hakius. You can tell it's him because the love Chris Hakius has for the bell of his cymbal is truly something from the plot of an epic romantic novel.

I can only hope she loves him back as much, although I suspect Chris would be happy to love her forever from literally arm's length away, and want for nothing in this world as long as he could listen to her sing sweet, metallic and true to the rhythm of his heart. Truly he is a lucky man.

Once the sense of rhythm is established by that unrelenting tolling of Hakius' sweetheart then the rumbling mucktone burbling underneath straightens and rights itself in my ears and into the always confusing riff of Flight Of The Eagle. I've been listening to this song for what, 12 years now? And I've never fully trained my mind to hear that intro riff the right way round, despite hearing it repeated for over and over with impeccable drum accompaniment directly after the intro. What's that all about?

May it disorientate us forevermore. Some people think they need drugs to get that kick but they don't really, they just need to be suitably disorientated and Flight Of The Eagle is a tremendous way to do it without putting anything in your bloodstream and therefore without the fucking police even having a clue. Yes I'll blow into your little tube officer, hold on a moment while I blast this song and become even more pie-eyed than before while I'm at it hee hee

Then I imagine both I and the officer would just sway about like bin bags on valium in a slight breeze and be confused brothers forever. You can't put a price on that kind of thing really.

But back to this recording. As usual, Al's bass sound is like two massive, massive highly-aroused gonads filled with 100% pure manna, which will never, never, never ejaculate, but they WILL impregnate the world continuously and forever with their tremendous vibes just by sheer charm and the glint in their owner's eye. "Oh take me into your arms, Al's bass sound's gonad's owner!!!" shriek all the female entities of the Universe. "Let's forget everything and dance away the rest of our hearing and youth to your wonderful fuzz-voice!!!"

And lo, the universe did swoon and sway and sigh contentedly as Al's big bass burred all the way through this particular take of Flight Of The Eagle and it was just grand, just like the good old days and the whole thing was feeling nostalgic before it was even over. I suppose there isn't a lot to say about Flight Of The Eagle that hasn't already been said. It's just an expertly semi-written unknowable jet-black monolith in the massive jigsaw of perfectly square pieces that make up Om's holy discography, no more, no less.

It is however a real pleasure and a marvel to hear Al's bass sound in this particularly shitey lo-fi semi-semi-audible context, and it's impressive that it sounds not only as good as it does on the studio records, it sounds about 3 hectares larger in the wild.

I don't know if you can remember what you were doing on the night of December 5th 2007 but I bet it was fucking great. Whatever it was, it was Al's bass sound it made that happen. I looked back through my diary, and you know, it never seemed to remarkable at the time, but while Al's bass was rumbling through Jerusalem it must have been about the same time I had that tremendous blow-job while that primo-quality speed-bomb exploded into my bloodstream, as I ate the best ever ice-cream of my life and I won £50 on a scratchcard with my free hand. So deep thanks to Al's bass sound from me, and hopefully from you too, you ungrateful bastard.


WELL AL BE DAMNED

Also significantly different from the studio recordings is the other third of Om's sound; Al's voice. There's something deeply endearing about Al's singing, you know. Although he mostly sounds like a cross between Bob Dylan, Pandit Pran Nath and a stoned duck, I just find it touching how he strains his every sinew to sing in tune(ish) despite the fact that his whole body is juddering with absolute ecstasy.

Listening to Al sing on this song, a kind of patriotic feeling swells up in me for no good reason, like I watched Gigi Buffon and Rino Gattuso deliver a particularly spirited version of the Italian national anthem before a World Cup quarter final. I'm not Italian, I have no idea what they're singing about and if I did it would probably be quite shite, but it bursts my heart anyway. Actually I probably have even less idea what Al is singing about in his allegedly English lyrics but there's a veritable sunrise in my chest as I hear him fight with every inch of his being to hit those notes despite being severely debilitated by sheer pride.

I would sing an anthem from Om you know. I would swear allegiance to the flag of Om, if Om weren't so righteous to reject the notion of flags and borders. Yes, this is ecstatic music in a new form. And where Pandit Pran Nath could achieve no less than actual ecstasy by virtue of his perfect singing, Al achieves no less than actual singing by the virtue of his perfect ecstasy.

Flight Of The Eagle features Al in prime duckpuff mode, but the flip-side, a cavernous racket that is supposed to be Bhima's Theme is a different kettle of cannabinoids. I like having a loving pop at Al's vocals for being so unashamedly flat as a week-old pancake and thin as John Cooper Clarke at Ramadan. But this live version of Bhima's Theme comes along and shuts my lying fingers the fuck up.

Except it actually DOESN'T because it's obviously an overdub added at a later date and my fingers are having a fucking RIOT with this one Cisneros! AHAHAHA!!! There is a SHIT-TONNE of meaning to be found in this overdub and my fingers are hungry for it, hungry to type it out all over this screen. But I'll reign them in a bit because I love you dearly, reader.

The idea of a vocal overdub on a live Om recording is hilarious and righteous because it proves that there is actually some weird kind of Quality Control department at Om towers, and of all the things they decided were unfit for our ears on this release it was Al's vocals on ONE song. FUCK YES!!!

It's going to be OK listener, it's all going to be fine. Al & Chris have been through this release with a fine comb and those piercing cymbal hits and 60% audible bass frequencies are just as Om intended. Stop thinking so much you spoiled little fanny. Lord knows I'm trying. This is the same Quality Control team that decided they needed to do those absolutely bizarre bass punch-ins on the CONFERENCE OF THE BIRDS version of At Giza. What could they possibly be covering up with those overdubs that would be more inappropriate than a completely different bass sound jumping in for the occasional bar? I refuse to believe Al Cisneros has ever played a wrong note in his life, and especially in Om songs that have on average 3 notes per riff, so I can only assume it must have been someone shouting slanderous comments through the bass takes or something along those lines. I suppose we'll have to wait till the 50th anniversary COMPLETE CONFERENCE OF THE BIRDS SESSIONS box-set to know for sure.

But anyway, everyone should be familiar with the formalities of Bhima's Theme by now and if you aren't by now then honestly, go fuck an emu because you just aren't even trying.

Al's vocal is studio-quality and a damn good take to be honest, the high voice in the quiet part is much less strained at pained as on the PILGRIMAGE version, so this makes for a surprisingly chilled middle-eighty before A&C suddenly bludgeon their way back into the song's heavy section at full throttle and with frankly ridiculous force, up there with the most ten-tonne tremendous moments in Om's catalogue. But enough with the pleasantries, the next part of this song is the final curtain.


HEY HEY WE'RE THE OMKEYS

I feel a bit mean narrating the events from here on in, as it might spoil the fun for anyone who hasn't heard yet. And let's be honest, most people who have heard it won't have failed to notice the absolute molten brain damage displayed on the end of this track. But it's also true that within the monstrous track durations, maddening repetition and deadpan delivery, it can be easy to sometimes mistake spectacular moments for amateurish drivel. But there is nothing of the sort on Om records and this is a moment that deserves everyone's full attention. Al sounds quite unwell.

Twenty-odd years of paring down the already mongotoid basslines and vocal melodies, churning over and over, ever closer to the sweet spot, deeper and deeper into it's own riff-tail Cisneros chewed, finally brought to this point, when all he could do was throw back his head slack-jawed and mouth agape and wail "OHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHH" in not-quite-unison with his bass riff for no particular reason, for no particular duration even, just until his lungs are empty. Then another gulp of air and "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHHHHH" once again until he's exhausted completely and the bass is left hanging, feeding-back and also wailing to itself, free of the will of Cisneros or anyone in the universe, nothing left on his side of the stage as Hakius feels his partner give way and bursts into a higher tempo in a last-dash race to the Maker.


AL BE MISSING YOU

Remember our Romantic Novel metaphor? Hakius and his cymbal bell? Well it's amazing and totally fitting that the last thing you hear on this record is Chris Hakius alone with him drum kit, pounding away carefree, as the engineer reluctantly pulls the fader down on the drummer's genuinely unique recording career. It's the sound of Chris and the bell (or "belle"? OH FUCK, METAPHOR OVERLOAD!!!) of his cymbal running away together, hand in hand, in perfect love, happily ever after, over the horizon and into silence.

I like to think that that's where he is now, now free of the need to be free, free of the need for the magic of Om and the wild mung-ride of Om's music. Maybe he and the cymbal of his bell have settled down somewhere, a farmhouse maybe, a chateaux, a wheelie bin, I dunno, their own little corner of the world anyway, and raised their own little family of cymbal-children. And I like to think that maybe, the eldest, most clear-eyed, contented bell-child of all, they named Al.

I salute you Chris Hakius, wherever you are.


¹ I know that chicks dig Om too, but let’s be honest the ratio must be something like 1:50 in chicks:man stakes. So for readable compromise it’s gonnae be “man” for here just now, but prove me wrong, honeys!!!

Top
 Profile  
Apteronotus
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jun 18, 2009 9:07 am
Posts: 959
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:38 pm 
 

SleeperManShish, feedback is in the spoiler.

Spoiler: show
BLUNTED IN THE OM SHELTER

There is a man standing in a large, darkened room. This room is full of other people and the air is thick with their sweat and breath. The walls are wet from it, the floor slippery. It probably stinks too, but the man doesn’t smell it. In this room he can hardly feel any of his senses. There’s something happening off in one of the corners, something weird, that everyone can feel, but can’t quite see or hear properly. The man is squinting through the crowd, in the direction of the feeling, and for a moment thinks he sees someone, something, squinting back.

You don't need this paragraph because it doesn't relate to the music in a clear way.

As time passes, the strange sensation that everyone can feel becomes so huge and powerful that the whole room evolves into one big disorientated mess. The man suddenly realises he has no idea how long he’s been in this room for. Then he realises he can’t remember how he got to this room. Then he realises he doesn’t care. As this unrelenting phenomenon grows and grows, the man slowly, unconsciously, decides to accept this moment totally on it’s own terms, and for an instant, loses all concept of past or future, surrendering himself to the immortal state of Right-Fucking-Now.

This one is a little bit easier to understand how it might relate to the music's effects on the listener but still isn't clear. You tend to stretch metaphors well past their breaking points.

As the world around him slows down to almost nothing, the man first senses a feeling of weightlessness in the top of his head, slowly travelling down his spine, into his diaphragm and upwards to his throat, until finally, arms outstretched, his eyes open but unfocused and with his head rolling back on his shoulders he lets out a mighty yell, an ecstatic wail, in an undeniable expression of pure being.

The man is YOU and he’s been listening to OM – LIVE AT JERUSALEM¹.


You explain this much better latter on, someone yells loudly. This section is a classic example of purple prose, an unnecessarily flowery description of someone yelling. With all of those words there is also little description, it's a mighty ecstatic yell. You can cut almost all of these early paragraphs without loosing much.

MOMMY WHAT'S A OM?

Headings should be descriptive, and honestly most reviews are too short to need them. When you trim it down to make the writing more efficient the headings can go too.

Although the event of this man hollering beautifully in appreciation of the sound of Om actually happened at the gig these recording are taken from, and is not only wonderfully audible on this record but is also SO LOUD that it’s impossible to ignore, that’s not really what I’m talking about here. Because where other live albums document a gig or series of gigs, LIVE AT JEREUSALEM does not. And where other live albums at their best serve as a band-in-their-prime Greatest Hits set, LIVE AT JERUSALEM emphatically does not. LIVE AT JERUSALEM does something else altogether, and that’s why I’m not writing about it as a record; I’m writing about it as an experience. BUT I’m not writing about it as the live experience of being there either; I’m writing about it as the experience of listening to the live record. So uh, yeah.

This is kinda confusing, you explain it doesn't try to document a gig or be a greatest hits live record. What does it do? Underlined portion is redundant.

Let’s face it, most live albums fall into the two categories above; warts ‘n’ all document or Greatest Hits set, or worse yet, rely on some kinda back-story to fire the listener’s imagination or elevate the music to something beyond what’s there. I remember as a young kiddo, on holiday in France, snaffling up a cheap copy of Jimi Hendrix’s live at Woodstock album (my first double CD, daddy!) & being so giddy with excitement and anticipation that I was practically EATING THE CD BOOKLET WITH MY EYES to placate myself until we got back to where I was staying so I could slap the CD in the player, strap myself in & get ready to HAVE MY MIND INSTANTLY FUCKED FOREVER!!! Of course the album’s passable versions of Purple Haze, Voodoo Chile et al interspersed with some (admittedly ferocious at times) jamming hardly kept me awake never mind change my life. In fact it’s one of the rare albums I bought that I don’t even own anymore. Loaned it to someone and never bothered chasing to get it back. Weirdly the same guy who has my 1st copy of VARIATIONS ON A THEME, but of course I bought that one again because it's a stone-cold-classic.

AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaanyway,


This stuff isn't relevant to the music you are reviewing. You already addressed the types of live albums.

LIVE AT JERUSALEM is full of wonderful fucking mystery and plays fast and loose with the facts. Unlike Hendrix (or whoever) at Woodstock there’s only a handful of things you need to know about this “gig” and they’re all dubious as fuck anyway.
1. An obvious one, but supposedly recorded in Jerusalem. I mean REALLY? Now I have more faith in Om than most but even I’d be surprised that the band who left the US fucking twice or something went to all the way to Jerusalem to do THIS… then again, maybe they are that perverse.
2. Supposedly “live”, although the totally perfect and supremely clear-in-the-mix with nice separation vocals on Bhima’s Theme would suggest otherwise, given the nature of Al’s singing on most bootlegs, and also given that they completely kick the arse off the vocals on even the studio version.
3. Om supposedly played for 8 or 9 hours at this gig, and while I instantly believe two of the doods who had recorded an hour long song in the past would attempt an 9 hour gig, I think it’s a kinda ropey concept for a band who had only three fairly short albums and a couple singles under their belts by this point. I mean we’d be talking over 6 hours of extra material they’d have to conjure/jam up. Besides, the drugs would definitely wear off over the course of the gig, unless they had a stone-roadie bong-feeding them hits or giving them noseblasts while they played.


This can be trimmed up a lot, but it has some nice details about the mix and the album's origins.

After this you are on your own, and more than most records I've heard, even having an idea of the band you're listening to doesn't help you out much.

This is unclear.

CLEAR AS MUD

When you drop the needle on this record you can hear someone in the murky distance introducing something... maybe a song... or the buffet is open... or someone's taxi is here... it's hard to say for sure. Then, also in the distance, you have a deep fizzling rumble like the grand canyon emitted a gigantic perpetual fart. There are massive resonant objects colliding with each other, these are also in the distance, in fact everything you hear when you spin this disc is in some blackened semi-distinguishable corner of the near-distance.

Except the cymbal. The cymbal is VERY NEAR you and is so, so, so fucking loud. The drummer absolutely goes to town on the bell of this cymbal like it was a button that kept the world spinning and it will definitely give you hearing damage. Yes, although most of this record is so fucked it's hard to tell who or what is making any particular sound, the cymbal is undoubtedly played by the graceful and merciless right arm of Chris Hakius. You can tell it's him because the love Chris Hakius has for the bell of his cymbal is truly something from the plot of an epic romantic novel.


This is very descriptive, I'd bet if the entire review were written similarly it would be acceptable. Should say "off" in the first paragraph instead of "of."

I can only hope she loves him back as much, although I suspect Chris would be happy to love her forever from literally arm's length away, and want for nothing in this world as long as he could listen to her sing sweet, metallic and true to the rhythm of his heart. Truly he is a lucky man.

This really kills the romance novel joke and takes the metaphor too far.

Once the sense of rhythm is established by that unrelenting tolling of Hakius' sweetheart then the rumbling mucktone burbling underneath straightens and rights itself in my ears and into the always confusing riff of Flight Of The Eagle. I've been listening to this song for what, 12 years now? And I've never fully trained my mind to hear that intro riff the right way round, despite hearing it repeated for over and over with impeccable drum accompaniment directly after the intro. What's that all about?

A nice example to describing the music using a reference to a specific moment.

May it disorientate us forevermore. Some people think they need drugs to get that kick but they don't really, they just need to be suitably disorientated and Flight Of The Eagle is a tremendous way to do it without putting anything in your bloodstream and therefore without the fucking police even having a clue. Yes I'll blow into your little tube officer, hold on a moment while I blast this song and become even more pie-eyed than before while I'm at it hee hee

Then I imagine both I and the officer would just sway about like bin bags on valium in a slight breeze and be confused brothers forever. You can't put a price on that kind of thing really.


These parts are completely unnecessary and irrelevant. You can explain how the music has a drug-like effect because of xyz, but these asides are distracting and inflate the length of your writing.

But back to this recording. As usual, Al's bass sound is like two massive, massive highly-aroused gonads filled with 100% pure manna, which will never, never, never ejaculate, but they WILL impregnate the world continuously and forever with their tremendous vibes just by sheer charm and the glint in their owner's eye. "Oh take me into your arms, Al's bass sound's gonad's owner!!!" shriek all the female entities of the Universe. "Let's forget everything and dance away the rest of our hearing and youth to your wonderful fuzz-voice!!!"

And lo, the universe did swoon and sway and sigh contentedly as Al's big bass burred all the way through this particular take of Flight Of The Eagle and it was just grand, just like the good old days and the whole thing was feeling nostalgic before it was even over. I suppose there isn't a lot to say about Flight Of The Eagle that hasn't already been said. It's just an expertly semi-written unknowable jet-black monolith in the massive jigsaw of perfectly square pieces that make up Om's holy discography, no more, no less.


So the bass sound is massive, all the other text is a fluffed up unclear metaphor.

It is however a real pleasure and a marvel to hear Al's bass sound in this particularly shitey lo-fi semi-semi-audible context, and it's impressive that it sounds not only as good as it does on the studio records, it sounds about 3 hectares larger in the wild.

You convey more information here in one sentence than in the preceding two paragraphs.

I don't know if you can remember what you were doing on the night of December 5th 2007 but I bet it was fucking great. Whatever it was, it was Al's bass sound it made that happen. I looked back through my diary, and you know, it never seemed to remarkable at the time, but while Al's bass was rumbling through Jerusalem it must have been about the same time I had that tremendous blow-job while that primo-quality speed-bomb exploded into my bloodstream, as I ate the best ever ice-cream of my life and I won £50 on a scratchcard with my free hand. So deep thanks to Al's bass sound from me, and hopefully from you too, you ungrateful bastard.

I have no idea what you are going for here but you can cut all of it.

WELL AL BE DAMNED

Also significantly different from the studio recordings is the other third of Om's sound; Al's voice. There's something deeply endearing about Al's singing, you know. Although he mostly sounds like a cross between Bob Dylan, Pandit Pran Nath and a stoned duck, I just find it touching how he strains his every sinew to sing in tune(ish) despite the fact that his whole body is juddering with absolute ecstasy.

Listening to Al sing on this song, a kind of patriotic feeling swells up in me for no good reason, like I watched Gigi Buffon and Rino Gattuso deliver a particularly spirited version of the Italian national anthem before a World Cup quarter final. I'm not Italian, I have no idea what they're singing about and if I did it would probably be quite shite, but it bursts my heart anyway. Actually I probably have even less idea what Al is singing about in his allegedly English lyrics but there's a veritable sunrise in my chest as I hear him fight with every inch of his being to hit those notes despite being severely debilitated by sheer pride.

I would sing an anthem from Om you know. I would swear allegiance to the flag of Om, if Om weren't so righteous to reject the notion of flags and borders. Yes, this is ecstatic music in a new form. And where Pandit Pran Nath could achieve no less than actual ecstasy by virtue of his perfect singing, Al achieves no less than actual singing by the virtue of his perfect ecstasy.

Flight Of The Eagle features Al in prime duckpuff mode, but the flip-side, a cavernous racket that is supposed to be Bhima's Theme is a different kettle of cannabinoids. I like having a loving pop at Al's vocals for being so unashamedly flat as a week-old pancake and thin as John Cooper Clarke at Ramadan. But this live version of Bhima's Theme comes along and shuts my lying fingers the fuck up.


The third paragraph of the above four can go, rest can be trimmed up but aren't too bad.

Except it actually DOESN'T because it's obviously an overdub added at a later date and my fingers are having a fucking RIOT with this one Cisneros! AHAHAHA!!! There is a SHIT-TONNE of meaning to be found in this overdub and my fingers are hungry for it, hungry to type it out all over this screen. But I'll reign them in a bit because I love you dearly, reader.

The idea of a vocal overdub on a live Om recording is hilarious and righteous because it proves that there is actually some weird kind of Quality Control department at Om towers, and of all the things they decided were unfit for our ears on this release it was Al's vocals on ONE song. FUCK YES!!!

It's going to be OK listener, it's all going to be fine. Al & Chris have been through this release with a fine comb and those piercing cymbal hits and 60% audible bass frequencies are just as Om intended. Stop thinking so much you spoiled little fanny. Lord knows I'm trying. This is the same Quality Control team that decided they needed to do those absolutely bizarre bass punch-ins on the CONFERENCE OF THE BIRDS version of At Giza. What could they possibly be covering up with those overdubs that would be more inappropriate than a completely different bass sound jumping in for the occasional bar? I refuse to believe Al Cisneros has ever played a wrong note in his life, and especially in Om songs that have on average 3 notes per riff, so I can only assume it must have been someone shouting slanderous comments through the bass takes or something along those lines. I suppose we'll have to wait till the 50th anniversary COMPLETE CONFERENCE OF THE BIRDS SESSIONS box-set to know for sure.


These are better but you can cut the weird references to the reader/listener and to your fingers. The focus of the review should generally remain on the music.

But anyway, everyone should be familiar with the formalities of Bhima's Theme by now and if you aren't by now then honestly, go fuck an emu because you just aren't even trying.

Cut.

Al's vocal is studio-quality and a damn good take to be honest, the high voice in the quiet part is much less strained at pained as on the PILGRIMAGE version, so this makes for a surprisingly chilled middle-eighty before A&C suddenly bludgeon their way back into the song's heavy section at full throttle and with frankly ridiculous force, up there with the most ten-tonne tremendous moments in Om's catalogue. But enough with the pleasantries, the next part of this song is the final curtain.

Last sentence is just throat clearing.

HEY HEY WE'RE THE OMKEYS

I feel a bit mean narrating the events from here on in, as it might spoil the fun for anyone who hasn't heard yet. And let's be honest, most people who have heard it won't have failed to notice the absolute molten brain damage displayed on the end of this track. But it's also true that within the monstrous track durations, maddening repetition and deadpan delivery, it can be easy to sometimes mistake spectacular moments for amateurish drivel. But there is nothing of the sort on Om records and this is a moment that deserves everyone's full attention. Al sounds quite unwell.


A little bloated, but still fairly descriptive.

Twenty-odd years of paring down the already mongotoid basslines and vocal melodies, churning over and over, ever closer to the sweet spot, deeper and deeper into it's own riff-tail Cisneros chewed, finally brought to this point, when all he could do was throw back his head slack-jawed and mouth agape and wail "OHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHH" in not-quite-unison with his bass riff for no particular reason, for no particular duration even, just until his lungs are empty. Then another gulp of air and "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHHHHH" once again until he's exhausted completely and the bass is left hanging, feeding-back and also wailing to itself, free of the will of Cisneros or anyone in the universe, nothing left on his side of the stage as Hakius feels his partner give way and bursts into a higher tempo in a last-dash race to the Maker.

Typo with mongoloid, which is also another juvenile style choice, but that's your call.

AL BE MISSING YOU

Remember our Romantic Novel metaphor? Hakius and his cymbal bell? Well it's amazing and totally fitting that the last thing you hear on this record is Chris Hakius alone with him drum kit, pounding away carefree, as the engineer reluctantly pulls the fader down on the drummer's genuinely unique recording career. It's the sound of Chris and the bell (or "belle"? OH FUCK, METAPHOR OVERLOAD!!!) of his cymbal running away together, hand in hand, in perfect love, happily ever after, over the horizon and into silence.

I like to think that that's where he is now, now free of the need to be free, free of the need for the magic of Om and the wild mung-ride of Om's music. Maybe he and the cymbal of his bell have settled down somewhere, a farmhouse maybe, a chateaux, a wheelie bin, I dunno, their own little corner of the world anyway, and raised their own little family of cymbal-children. And I like to think that maybe, the eldest, most clear-eyed, contented bell-child of all, they named Al.

I salute you Chris Hakius, wherever you are.


You are beating a dead horse with the cymbal bell joke. You could have more effectively concluded this with just "Remember our Romantic Novel metaphor? Well it's amazing and totally fitting that the last thing you hear on this record is Chris Hakius alone with him drum kit, pounding away carefree, as the engineer reluctantly pulls the fader down on the drummer's genuinely unique recording career."

¹ I know that chicks dig Om too, but let’s be honest the ratio must be something like 1:50 in chicks:man stakes. So for readable compromise it’s gonnae be “man” for here just now, but prove me wrong, honeys!!!

This is super irrelevant and I'm compelled to add that the prove me wrong honeys thing is beyond cringey.


Overall, it's clear you have the ability to write decent reviews. Your writing on this one though is extremely hampered by irrelevant asides and bloated metaphors. Based on your comment you've already started fixing the problem, you just need to wrap up eliminating the excess.
_________________
Read my reviews/articles here: Contaminated Tones

Top
 Profile  
SleeperManShish
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:50 am
Posts: 8
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2018 6:24 pm 
 

Oh gawd, it looks like I'm a long way off fixing this one tbh, I think I've probably judged the tone of this site all wrong. I wrote a few reviews on MA back in about 2005 and they were way wonkier than this, I probably should've checked up on what the reviews were like these days a bit before just bumbling on in the same style.

But I did have a good laugh listening & writing it, & this is all stuff to bear in mind if I end up doing any other reviews (y)

cheers!

Top
 Profile  
gasmask_colostomy
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 239
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2018 12:48 am 
 

SleeperManShish wrote:
Oh gawd, it looks like I'm a long way off fixing this one tbh, I think I've probably judged the tone of this site all wrong. I wrote a few reviews on MA back in about 2005 and they were way wonkier than this, I probably should've checked up on what the reviews were like these days a bit before just bumbling on in the same style.

But I did have a good laugh listening & writing it, & this is all stuff to bear in mind if I end up doing any other reviews (y)

cheers!


Are you the guy who was called BringMeMyScissors? He also did super-rambley Om reviews (exclusively so) and dropped anecdotes about Channel 4 documentaries in a similar kind of British where-is-my-sanity style.

Anyway, the poster above nailed the big issue here, which is that there's a lot of unnecessary stuff in the review. I know that Om's music is pretty boring to explain from a purely factual perspective, but I would suggest that you use some of those anecdotes and metaphors to describe the content rather than context, since MA cares a lot about actual description of the music, though stresses that reviewers should avoid exact, blow-by-blow accounts of an album.

Also, it's worth noting that weird reviews will get excepted, but it tends to work against you if its the first review you're submitting because the moderators don't know your style and don't want to encourage you to write like that every time. As it is, I actually really liked the first draft because it's definitely entertaining, though if I were a prospective listener I would find it annoyingly verbose and unfocused.

Don't give up!

Top
 Profile  
Deathdoom1992
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat May 07, 2016 9:19 am
Posts: 352
Location: Wallowing in a sea of sorrow.
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 7:09 pm 
 

^^Seconded. I actually enjoyed the anecdotal, stream-of-consciousness style, but some of the metaphors are taken to such lengths (i.e. the opening paragraphs of the first draft) that it distracts from the overall review. If some of those were cut in lieu of musical description, this'd be an entertaining review. A prime example is the bit about Chris Hakius and his cymbal. The initial reference is amusing, then it is stretched out over a good 3 paragraphs to the point where it loses its novelty.

Top
 Profile  
Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3858
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2018 10:00 am 
 

SleeperManShish, overall it's confusing, rambling and way too long. Focus it into some definable points and integrate any flavor text into it cohesion. Wandering through a tangential maze is only worth it if there's a pay off (or if there's literally nothing better to do with your time), but there's not enough treasure in this dungeon. I started skimming for content after the first couple of sentences, had to force myself past the first few paragraphs, started scrolling after the second heading, and stopped reading all together when I saw it was more of the same for ages. Edit, condense, and get to the point.
_________________
C/Fe

Top
 Profile  
cyriisman
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Tue May 08, 2018 5:23 pm
Posts: 1
PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2018 4:21 pm 
 

Looking for constructive criticism to help this review become better:

I found this in the used bin in Buffalo and I now know why it was discarded. Very unconvincing death metal with amateurish growling vocals and inane lyrics. For some reason, they are billed as doom metal or sludge metal but I see none of that in their playing.

Admittedly, the first song on the CD "Wrecking Ball" has a bit of a groove upon first listen but it just doesn't stick with you. The rest of the songs just come off as limp and unmemorable, almost as if they were written by kids who were trying to be a death metal band but really weren't into the music.

Apparently, these guys have been around for awhile, not sure why, maybe they don't know when to call it quits. I guess they have a girl guitar player, another gimmick to cover for a sheer lack of talent?

Top
 Profile  
RustInPissZygadena
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun May 21, 2017 7:29 pm
Posts: 1
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2018 6:08 pm 
 

Hi to all

English is my second language and I have some problems with posting one of the reviews. Could somebody help? Thanks!

The first time I saw a little note about Pan.Thy.Monium was in 1992 while reading a Polish magazine called Morbid Noizz (by the way, on the very same page, I read about Sadness and Profanatica for the first time!). This short article was already intriguing. It said that the members of Pan.Thy.Monium are followers of the Raagoonshinnaah cult, that the main aim of the band was to play brutal death metal, but different from what the metal scene was serving at that moment, and that the band used unorthodox musical instruments like, for example, the saxophone. It also said that they had just signed a contract with Osmose productions, which will release their debut album very soon.


After a while, in another magazine I came across a very positive review of “Dawn of Dreams”, which meant that the album was already out! Soon after that, I got my own copy of the cassette version at a music store in my home town, and I came back home excited and anxious to put it on my stereo and listen to it for the first time.


I had never listened to anything like that yet in my life! In fact, I have never experienced something as different as “Dawn of Dreams” to this day – maybe with the exception of Pan.Thy.Monium's second album – “Khaooohs” from 1993. I reveled in the sounds from “Dawn of Dreams”, gradually immersing myself in the personal world of euphony that it spread in front of me. The cover of this cassette was an interesting compliment to the music – it didn’t include almost anything but the name of the band, the album title and a short motto, with a cloudy sky in the background. Carnage rec., the Polish publisher of this album, even put a short note inside the cover that they don’t have any information about the song titles, lineup, etc.
But back to the music of Pan.Thy.Monium. This music is so exceptional, unique and original. All these epithets still perfectly illustrate the music of this band today, despite the fact that over 25 years have passed since it was released. Well – time doesn’t stand still… Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock…. – the sound of the clock over an enigmatic-sounding saxophone - that’s the way this album starts… Both the motto included on the cover of this album as well as some of Pan.Thy.Monium's other releases refer more than once to the motif of “passing time”.


Over the years I have heard so many clones of some unique bands such as of Slayer, Sepultura, Celtic Frost or even younger, smaller bands like Absu or Destroyer 666 but I have never come across a band that tried to play in Pan.Thy.Monium’s style, which makes this music even more unusual! I don’t know – maybe because what these five guys created is just impossible to copy? I mean, the feel and magic these guys possessed while composing their stuff…? After all, you could call it death metal rooted mainly in the early Swedish death metal trade. But the way these tracks were composed is 100% Pan.Thy.Monium’s personal style! Most of the material is planted in mid tempos; sometimes the band accelerates to maniacal, bestial speeds but very often, suddenly we are offered such 100-ton slow-downs which with a mammoth’s grace level the listener out with the ground’s surface, squashing you with enormous heaviness.


I love the drum arrangements from this album – seemingly not that technically advanced, but perfectly balanced. Every single beat, stroke, accent, passage, and fill suits this music, matching the guitar and bass lines. I could say the same about the guitar solos (Excellent bass solos can also be found here) – each has its own personality and its own character. In some tracks, we can hear the keyboards, but this instrument is used here to produce some special effects, mostly hidden behind the sound of the basic instruments (as for example in the first track at some point we can hear strange sounds that bring to my mind the sound of a navigation-system of a war submarine). As a matter of fact, I could go on and on and I still would not be able to explain of what is going on just in the first over 20-minute long composition! I think it might be easier to tell you what Pan.Thy.Monium didn’t use here :-)
You get spoken parts in the Spanish (?) or Portuguese (?) language, excellent bass lines, broken & varied tempos, some type of hand-drums, genius saxophone parts (I like these parts a lot!!!!), low growls and frenzied screams and so on. It is impossible to describe that shit! But despite all of that, I think that the genius of this album is not that these guys were not afraid to experiment, or that they used so many instruments, etc. I think that the main asset of this album is its honesty and naturalness. This avant-garde doesn’t sound forced, planned or like an artificial bending of the boundaries of death metal.
In some parts, this music brings to my mind Tiamat from their debut album – this specific nostalgia and atmosphere of mystery. Other parts are drifting into weird, improvised-like regions, so fucked up that it is almost ambient & unreal. But these fragments match the rest of the music perfectly, and even if it is just a mixture of chaos & noises, I can’t imagine this album (this band) without these parts and using such experiments!
The most insane in those terms is, in my opinion, the composition that closes “Dawn of Dreams”, where the vocalist’s demented growls repeat the word “Echo”, over and over again, and it is overlapped with a steady guitar riff resembling the march of an infernal beast. Strewn into that was the schizophrenic shrill of saxophone. The ending turns into sick whispers continuing: “Eeeeechooooo, eeeechooooo…oooo”. It sounds killer!


For me, “Dawn of dreams” is not just the usual death metal album. It is a nearly 45-minute trip into an unknown and strange world! If somebody asked me what I could change in this album if I had this possibility the answer would be short and easy: “NOTHING!!!” It is a splendid album and perfect work! During the past over 20 years I have listened to this album many, many times, and I know it through and through but still it doesn’t bore me, and it still delivers indescribable sensations! I’m totally surprised that this is still a pretty unknown and underestimated album and band – even the big comeback of death metal didn’t change this fact, when all the average shit from the past is praised and excessively glorified. For me, personally, it is one of the best death metal albums that was recorded in the early 90s in Sweden! An absolute must for every single fan of death metal and fans of metal in general.


PS – After some time, all the secrets came out, who the people behind Pan.Thy.Monium are, etc. I tried to listen to many different bands, projects, albums, etc created by these musicians (especially these involved Dan Swano) and sadly nothing succeeded to convince me as much as the music they created under the moniker Pan.Thy.Monium...

Top
 Profile  
Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3858
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2018 1:54 am 
 

You can't be serious.
_________________
C/Fe

Top
 Profile  
Sultan of Purgatory
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2015 8:07 am
Posts: 18
Location: New Zealand
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2018 11:37 pm 
 

This place is still a joke 3 years later haha

Top
 Profile  
Babbette Baboon
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Apr 19, 2018 3:42 am
Posts: 1
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2018 3:39 am 
 

Hey people, I have two reviews that have rejection because of the grammars. Review number second I ask my friend to helps me but I am suspecting now he is a buffoon because it again recieves rejection. Does anyone helps me fix the lines that is wrong?

Thanks you

Spoiler: show
Cryptopsy - None So Vile

Wow I am going back to this albums for first time in maybe decade and it is so nostalgia! But today is not 1996 and tomorrow is not also, so I must had to forget feelings for now and listen like it is today that I heard and all the water that has underpassed over the bridge is past. When I was kid and listening these musics seemed like Cryptopsy was royalty at metal, like really have knowledge deeply and probably. Now I am hear flaw in things but maybe it is a good but I has to say it and not be pretending.

First the drumming are so great with really has plenty ideas and the drummer is complete beating shits out of the kit but sometimes the tempo has lurching forward like a bad dog and I think this have to be not the intent because the guitar and bass sound way confused for a bit and it is like hey stop the boat till I catch up drummer! But then with blast beat section sometime the drummer is looking to them like settle down I can't fucking do that.

Maybe it is only much to excitement because together they play aggressive as a wild animal sex and the riff is never not catchy The tone of guitars sounds like massive flock of bumblebee that are stinging everywhere and it is almost always tremelo like furious hyper violin section in orchestra. The bass player is making me conflicted because sometimes he does slap and popping technique which can really funny, but also I worried that he is seeker of attention and is selfish bastard that doesn't care for the song. Still maybe mostly he is shut up and background but provide the heavy so the impluse to funky I can tolerate because it is adds to the catchy and is like the earworm.

That i say "earworm" is making me laugh because the singist of the band is called Lord Worm and everything he is doing is very the opposite of the earworm. But I am sad to talk for the vocals because it is complete shit with always burp and fart sounds and for me it is only cringe and I am just confused because instruments are very competent but they are married with vocals of the toilet. I read lyrics online and it is very teenager stuff like on dumb boy's school jotter for freaking the girls and it is just creepy and sad. But it is not matter anyway because the words it is not able to hear, always only puke and fanny sounds from his voice. But hey he is eating worms so ok I guess?

On song 6 there is intro with classical sounds, because maybe guitarist needs credit for writing like he is better than just metal guitar, so they try to has his riff on piano with extra flourish and trinkle trinkle and it sounds really ok.

So maybe I am being negative too much because really this album is scintillating metal with good writing and simple almost earcandy riffs but still headbanging and really is high with sickness. Only knock off 20% for vocal bow wow yappy pup style because subjective scoring system as much as I can.

Top
 Profile  
Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3858
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2018 11:12 pm 
 

I want my 4.23 seconds back.
_________________
C/Fe

Top
 Profile  
Peyp
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon May 25, 2015 1:16 am
Posts: 171
Location: California, United States
PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 3:29 am 
 

I've rarely had any trouble getting my reviews through the queue but I still think they could be better. I've improved as of recently, but I want some feedback on one I may submit soon before the memorial challenge starts.

Spoiler: show
Band: X Japan
Album: Dahlia (1996)
Score: 97%

Think about it for a moment. Only one song, the title track, is a through-and-through "metal" track. The rest is a mix of industrial rock, j-rock, power ballads, and even classical music. A band, that was formerly known for playing faster than the average Japanese band, breaking down conservative views in the country due to the extremity and rebellious feel of the music, and having performances so vigorous that the drummer occasionally collapsed during performances gave us this. Imagine if Metallica, after releasing And Justice for All, announced that they were going to switch it up and play pop rock or classical music. How well would that be received?!

But as it turns out, X Japan appears to be as familiar in these genres as they were with hard rock and speed metal. I suppose the signs were there. Yoshiki, the drummer, is a classically-trained pianist. The band has been really experimental in the past, with stuff such as "Xclamation" on their Blue Blood album. And their few power ballads at the time were some of the more well-known songs in their catalogue ("Endless Rain" is one such example). But it gets sketchy when one tries to make these carry the album, instead of the metal itself. Yet, this album is superb. It's easily (at the time of writing this) one of my top 10 metal albums (if you can qualify it as metal).

X Japan rises where many have fallen, and the reason it manages to not only stay afloat but levitate over the water is because the core of the band, the whole purpose of it, is still intact and shines vividly throughout the album. X Japan may be known for all of the stuff I said in that first paragraph, but that's not what it IS. Consider pretty much every X Japan hit. The best songs were not glam wannabes with the partying, drinking, chick-fucking and all of that. The best X Japan songs came from Yoshiki's heart; venting, ranting, or expressing emotions about anger, love, loss, depression... even "Orgasm", which on the surface seems just like a song about sex, could be interpreted as a song about breaking down rules of what society tells one to do and instead staying true to oneself.

And that's what every song on this album has: that core honesty and truthfulness, being honest but at the same time hard to take in. Each song is heartfelt and tells a great story, no matter what it sounds like. And you can tell. For instance, "Tears" was written about the death of Yoshiki's father. Many of the other songs have a solemn feel to them, like "Dahlia", "Longing ~跡切れた Melody~", and "Forever Love", but of course there are other emotions in the human brain, and songs like "Drain", for instance, cover a different emotion successfully.

Of course, it needs some great musicians to go with it, and luckily it does. Yoshiki once again has proved his talent as the band leader by composing impactful songs that make it almost as if you understand what he was feeling while writing them. His piano work is great, and he's one of the better drummers out there, despite sometimes having trouble breathing while playing one of the more rigorous tracks live. At this point, Toshi has mastered his vocal range, and it sounds beautiful. This is easily the most accessible album out of the discography due to his refined voice and proper pronunciation of English words after working on it for over 10 years. hide and Pata know how to play together and they are very harmonious. Most of the solos and leadwork fall to hide, but he was very capable of playing everything. Heath is a great bassist... maybe not as great as Taiji, but great nonetheless.

After this album, tragedy struck. Toshi was brainwashed by a cult, and thus the band ended. hide mysteriously died 2 years later so a reformation with the original or the Dahlia lineup would never be possible. Toshi was unhappy, Yoshiki became depressed, and the surviving band members didn't speak to each other for around 10 years (save for hide's funeral). Their musical style, "visual kei" slowly faded away as well, as many of the important bands of the scene died off. X Japan was significantly important since they were the ones that founded visual kei. Thus, you could possibly consider this album the end of the golden age of visual kei. The torch was passed down to the second generation, but while they would have some success (for instance, Versailles and Galneryus are doing well), they would never live up to the success such bands had in the 90s. And they would certainly never compare to this album. This album represents nearly every aspect of what X Japan is, and what good music should be, and that's why it deserves such a high score.
_________________
Witchrot wrote:
Due to the unfortunate reality of our guitarist fucking my girlfriend of almost 7 years WITCHROT will be taking an extended hiatus. I however will continue the band in another space and time... Thanks for the support, stay heavy. Also our drummer died...


RIP DIAMHEA

Top
 Profile  
Peyp
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon May 25, 2015 1:16 am
Posts: 171
Location: California, United States
PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 3:48 am 
 

cyriisman wrote:
Looking for constructive criticism to help this review become better:


I mean, I'm not an expert at writing but I think the main problem here is that you need more meat on the bones.

A review on this website should have a decent amount of paragraphs (I'd say around 5 or more, but I bet it could be pulled off with less; it really depends on the writing itself) and within those paragraphs should be more than a few sentences that are mostly medium to large in size (short sentences are good for frankness, imperatives, or comedic effect). Believe me, I get it, there's not a lot to say about this album because of how boring it is. I'd have trouble writing such a review too. But I'm certain you can expand your review on certain topics more. For instance:

Although I don't mind the first sentence of the review as a start, you could give this band a proper introduction and then figure out a way to tie it in with your thoughts on the album if you're running out of things to say. Expand on the songwriting more. So it's mediocre. But what makes it mediocre? Is there really nothing else besides Wrecking Ball that stands out in a way? Relisten to the album and really consider that. Finally, focus on the band members and their performance. You hypothesize that the female guitarist is a gimmick. What makes it clear to you that she lacks talent? How do the rest of the members stand up? Maybe go in-depth about the growl technique as well?

Also, use complete sentences. That second sentence needs to be fixed (though it's more likely to be scrapped while rewriting this).
_________________
Witchrot wrote:
Due to the unfortunate reality of our guitarist fucking my girlfriend of almost 7 years WITCHROT will be taking an extended hiatus. I however will continue the band in another space and time... Thanks for the support, stay heavy. Also our drummer died...


RIP DIAMHEA

Top
 Profile  
SpinRightRound
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2017 4:34 am
Posts: 11
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 9:49 am 
 

So I wrote this review (the title and the text are under the spoiler below).
Spoiler: show
Iron Maiden '86..'92, translated and adapted

This album of Ария is special because it's the most guilty of stealing riffs and melodies (and even almost complete songs) from other bands, and for the most part from "Fear of the Dark" by Iron Maiden. In particular, these songs are almost complete copies:

"Паранойя" — "Afraid to Shoot Strangers"
"Ангельская Пыль" — "Wasting Love"
"Зверь" — "The Apparition"
"Дух войны" — "The Evil That Men Do" and "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son" mixed together (from album "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son")
"Ночь Короче Дня" — for the most part it's "Stranger in a Strange Land" (from album "Somewhere in Time"), but mixed with a few other pieces too.

If you listen to these songs one after another while trying to hear instruments/vocals separately (which is easy here), it's pretty much obvious. It's also very obvious if you just know Iron Maiden music very well. Other songs may have some borrowed pieces as well, but these 5 songs are the most obviously copied (with a lot of minor changes, which, in my opinion, do not turn a song into a different one). Then one of the songs "Возьми Моё Сердце" is a cheesy ballad and while I don't immediately remember if Iron Maiden have written anything similar, it's hardly interesting anyway.

With the songwriting (or lack of it) out of the way, I can say the songs are performed and recorded quite well. Musicians are as proficient with the instruments as always and Кипелов sings earnestly enough and hits all the right notes. The mixing of this album sounds mostly similar to that of "Fear of the Dark" (which is no surprise, as it's also the main source of the songs here). Also, even though it was released in year 1995, a year when suddenly many metal (and other) bands succumbed to the Loudness War, this record is not affected by it at all — there's no excessive dynamic range compression done to it, it's totally fine.

If could be sort of fun to listen to it once or twice if you somehow get it for free or very cheaply. Otherwise I see little reason to do this as there are already these Iron Maiden albums. Also this album would be a terrible introduction to Ария if you did not hear them before; they did not usually steal music as wildly as here.

Highlight: "Король Дороги"
The review is for
Code:
https://www.metal-archives.com/albums/Ария/Ночь_короче_дня/1096
(MA forum doesn't want to parse URLs with Cyrillic characters correctly for some reason, but this is not relevant here).
It was rejected and the reason is spelling/grammar. I used a spellchecker, so I guess this must be grammar.
I made two minor edits to change what could possibly be the problem (the text under the spoiler is the new edited text), but I am not sure if it's good enough yet.
My main problem is that I am not a native English speaker, and I don't really have anybody to ask to review my review, except you.
Therefore I kindly ask for help with this review here.
Also I am not sure if I should transliterate Cyrillic song names when I refer to them in the review? I think I saw Cyrillic names in some other reviews, but it could be a false memory.

Top
 Profile  
gasmask_colostomy
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 239
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 10:39 am 
 

Peyp wrote:
I've rarely had any trouble getting my reviews through the queue but I still think they could be better. I've improved as of recently, but I want some feedback on one I may submit soon before the memorial challenge starts.

Spoiler: show
Band: X Japan
Album: Dahlia (1996)
Score: 97%

Think about it for a moment. Only one song, the title track, is a through-and-through "metal" track. The rest is a mix of industrial rock, j-rock, power ballads, and even classical music. A band, that was formerly known for playing faster than the average Japanese band, breaking down conservative views in the country due to the extremity and rebellious feel of the music, and having performances so vigorous that the drummer occasionally collapsed during performances gave us this. Imagine if Metallica, after releasing And Justice for All, announced that they were going to switch it up and play pop rock or classical music. How well would that be received?!

But as it turns out, X Japan appears to be as familiar in these genres as they were with hard rock and speed metal. I suppose the signs were there. Yoshiki, the drummer, is a classically-trained pianist. The band has been really experimental in the past, with stuff such as "Xclamation" on their Blue Blood album. And their few power ballads at the time were some of the more well-known songs in their catalogue ("Endless Rain" is one such example). But it gets sketchy when one tries to make these carry the album, instead of the metal itself. Yet, this album is superb. It's easily (at the time of writing this) one of my top 10 metal albums (if you can qualify it as metal).

X Japan rises where many have fallen, and the reason it manages to not only stay afloat but levitate over the water is because the core of the band, the whole purpose of it, is still intact and shines vividly throughout the album. X Japan may be known for all of the stuff I said in that first paragraph, but that's not what it IS. Consider pretty much every X Japan hit. The best songs were not glam wannabes with the partying, drinking, chick-fucking and all of that. The best X Japan songs came from Yoshiki's heart; venting, ranting, or expressing emotions about anger, love, loss, depression... even "Orgasm", which on the surface seems just like a song about sex, could be interpreted as a song about breaking down rules of what society tells one to do and instead staying true to oneself.

And that's what every song on this album has: that core honesty and truthfulness, being honest but at the same time hard to take in. Each song is heartfelt and tells a great story, no matter what it sounds like. And you can tell. For instance, "Tears" was written about the death of Yoshiki's father. Many of the other songs have a solemn feel to them, like "Dahlia", "Longing ~跡切れた Melody~", and "Forever Love", but of course there are other emotions in the human brain, and songs like "Drain", for instance, cover a different emotion successfully.

Of course, it needs some great musicians to go with it, and luckily it does. Yoshiki once again has proved his talent as the band leader by composing impactful songs that make it almost as if you understand what he was feeling while writing them. His piano work is great, and he's one of the better drummers out there, despite sometimes having trouble breathing while playing one of the more rigorous tracks live. At this point, Toshi has mastered his vocal range, and it sounds beautiful. This is easily the most accessible album out of the discography due to his refined voice and proper pronunciation of English words after working on it for over 10 years. hide and Pata know how to play together and they are very harmonious. Most of the solos and leadwork fall to hide, but he was very capable of playing everything. Heath is a great bassist... maybe not as great as Taiji, but great nonetheless.

After this album, tragedy struck. Toshi was brainwashed by a cult, and thus the band ended. hide mysteriously died 2 years later so a reformation with the original or the Dahlia lineup would never be possible. Toshi was unhappy, Yoshiki became depressed, and the surviving band members didn't speak to each other for around 10 years (save for hide's funeral). Their musical style, "visual kei" slowly faded away as well, as many of the important bands of the scene died off. X Japan was significantly important since they were the ones that founded visual kei. Thus, you could possibly consider this album the end of the golden age of visual kei. The torch was passed down to the second generation, but while they would have some success (for instance, Versailles and Galneryus are doing well), they would never live up to the success such bands had in the 90s. And they would certainly never compare to this album. This album represents nearly every aspect of what X Japan is, and what good music should be, and that's why it deserves such a high score.


Hey Peyp, I had a look at your X Japan review and felt like there were a couple of things you could consider.

I definitely like the fact that this teaches me a lot about the band, because I've never listened to X Japan and don't really know anything about them. However, for people who already know the group, I bet a lot of that information will be readily available, either on the Metal Archives or through general band knowledge. As such, it's fortunate that the "historical" paragraph is at the end, because I could skip it if I already knew the details.

On the other hand, for someone who doesn't know the band well, I really get very little idea what the music sounds like on Dahlia. You express the change in the band's sound quite clearly and tell the reader about the mix of genres that X Japan moved onto, though there are no detailed descriptions of how any particular song progresses or of highlights or outstanding moments. I can tell from browsing through the band's entry on this website that they go through quite a range of styles at different points, though most of your comments are built on having an understanding of the band's other work. Also, the comments on the contributions of each musician tend to have subjective descriptors like "impactful songs", "mastered his vocal range, and it sounds beautiful", "piano work sounds great". It's useful to know that the vocalist has improved his English pronunciation, but the others need some more concrete language.

Another point from this that I think is great is that you analyse how the lyrical subjects have evolved and matured, which seems very useful in the context of a less heavy album. On the other hand, like quite a bit of the review, I think you could concentrate those comments into a more focused area, since you could probably cut 200 words from this without damaging the content. I'm usually verbose myself (as you can tell), but being succinct will maintain interest for reviews.

Top
 Profile  
gasmask_colostomy
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 239
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 10:49 am 
 

SpinRightRound wrote:
So I wrote this review (the title and the text are under the spoiler below).
Spoiler: show
Iron Maiden '86..'92, translated and adapted

This album of Ария is special because it's the most guilty of stealing riffs and melodies (and even almost complete songs) from other bands, and for the most part from "Fear of the Dark" by Iron Maiden. In particular, these songs are almost complete copies:

"Паранойя" — "Afraid to Shoot Strangers"
"Ангельская Пыль" — "Wasting Love"
"Зверь" — "The Apparition"
"Дух войны" — "The Evil That Men Do" and "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son" mixed together (from album "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son")
"Ночь Короче Дня" — for the most part it's "Stranger in a Strange Land" (from album "Somewhere in Time"), but mixed with a few other pieces too.

If you listen to these songs one after another while trying to hear instruments/vocals separately (which is easy here), it's pretty much obvious. It's also very obvious if you just know Iron Maiden music very well. Other songs may have some borrowed pieces as well, but these 5 songs are the most obviously copied (with a lot of minor changes, which, in my opinion, do not turn a song into a different one). Then one of the songs "Возьми Моё Сердце" is a cheesy ballad and while I don't immediately remember if Iron Maiden have written anything similar, it's hardly interesting anyway.

With the songwriting (or lack of it) out of the way, I can say the songs are performed and recorded quite well. Musicians are as proficient with the instruments as always and Кипелов sings earnestly enough and hits all the right notes. The mixing of this album sounds mostly similar to that of "Fear of the Dark" (which is no surprise, as it's also the main source of the songs here). Also, even though it was released in year 1995, a year when suddenly many metal (and other) bands succumbed to the Loudness War, this record is not affected by it at all — there's no excessive dynamic range compression done to it, it's totally fine.

If could be sort of fun to listen to it once or twice if you somehow get it for free or very cheaply. Otherwise I see little reason to do this as there are already these Iron Maiden albums. Also this album would be a terrible introduction to Ария if you did not hear them before; they did not usually steal music as wildly as here.

Highlight: "Король Дороги"
The review is for
Code:
https://www.metal-archives.com/albums/Ария/Ночь_короче_дня/1096
(MA forum doesn't want to parse URLs with Cyrillic characters correctly for some reason, but this is not relevant here).
It was rejected and the reason is spelling/grammar. I used a spellchecker, so I guess this must be grammar.
I made two minor edits to change what could possibly be the problem (the text under the spoiler is the new edited text), but I am not sure if it's good enough yet.
My main problem is that I am not a native English speaker, and I don't really have anybody to ask to review my review, except you.
Therefore I kindly ask for help with this review here.
Also I am not sure if I should transliterate Cyrillic song names when I refer to them in the review? I think I saw Cyrillic names in some other reviews, but it could be a false memory.


Hey Spin, I've taken a look at your review and frankly I can't see many grammar problems in there. You do tend to repeat words quite a lot (such as 'obvious' in the third paragraph), but that's more like poor style than bad grammar.

It's possible that someone has chosen the wrong reason for rejecting the review and that it's been rejected for lack of content, since that's probably what I would think about first. I'm aware that the description of the music basically comes down to "it sounds like Iron Maiden songs", but you could describe the sound of the instruments and singer a little more, as well as mentioning something about the album highlight you've chosen. At the moment, there's not much meat on the basic ideas.

If you address those things and it gets rejected again, I think it must be someone taking exception to the Cyrillic. However, I don't think it's necessary for you to transliterate titles and people's names, since those are proper names. Hope it gets accepted soon.

Top
 Profile  
SpinRightRound
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2017 4:34 am
Posts: 11
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 10:56 am 
 

Seems legit, thank you. I will think about it for a while and try again with an updated text in a few days.

Top
 Profile  
BastardHead
Worse than the PMRC

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 8890
Location: Elgin, Illinois
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 11:09 am 
 

I don't think that's one of the ones I handled yesterday, though I do recall seeing it so maybe I did. Transliteration may make things easier for the readers to pronounce or understand but it's by no means a requirement if the source material is in the native script, so using Cyrillic isn't a problem at all. From the looks of things, your spelling and grammar is fine. Maybe your small edits were all that was needed, or more likely you got the default canned message for poor formatting, which includes "poor grammar" as one of the bullet points for what might be the problem. If that's the case, the rejecting mod likely meant that the issue was the section where you bullet point individual songs to point out where they were ripped off from. That's great to point all that out, but we really try to discourage easy list formats like that. What would be better is if you reworked that section into a regular paragraph and explained which parts were lifted, as opposed to just listing song titles. That would fix both your formatting and the relative lack of depth in your description.
_________________
Don't forget to vote in the MA Album of the Year 2018 Poll!
Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEW: Wombripper - From the Depths of Flesh
The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang

Top
 Profile  
gasmask_colostomy
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 239
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 11:15 am 
 

BastardHead wrote:
I don't think that's one of the ones I handled yesterday, though I do recall seeing it so maybe I did. Transliteration may make things easier for the readers to pronounce or understand but it's by no means a requirement if the source material is in the native script, so using Cyrillic isn't a problem at all. From the looks of things, your spelling and grammar is fine. Maybe your small edits were all that was needed, or more likely you got the default canned message for poor formatting, which includes "poor grammar" as one of the bullet points for what might be the problem. If that's the case, the rejecting mod likely meant that the issue was the section where you bullet point individual songs to point out where they were ripped off from. That's great to point all that out, but we really try to discourage easy list formats like that. What would be better is if you reworked that section into a regular paragraph and explained which parts were lifted, as opposed to just listing song titles. That would fix both your formatting and the relative lack of depth in your description.


Seconded. Yeah, the list was something I forgot to mention. Zap that and you'll be chilling.

Top
 Profile  
The Phobos
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2015 11:27 am
Posts: 114
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2018 11:07 am 
 

I made this review for the Possessed by Steel EP by Under Assault. Maybe one pf you could look over it and say what you think?

Title: Possessed by solid Thrash Rating: 70%

Under Assault is a paraguayan thrash metal band that was shortly signed to the now sadly defunct label Witches Brew. This is 7" was intended to be a kind of appetizer for a full length album that the band is (was?) recording and that Witches Brew would release. I don't know if they are still recording said album due to the already mentioned demise of Witches Brew, but that isn't the point of this review.
This EP features two songs, Possessed by Steel and Necrobutcher. These songs were already featured on a spilt with fellow Paraguayan thrash band Evil Force,that was released in 2015. The two songs on this EP were rerecorded in 2017, but I can't say if they are superior to the original versions as I've never heard them. But now to the review of these two songs.

Now to be honest I only bought this because it was cheap at the final Witches Brew online shop sale and I figured why not. I went in with no expectations and was pleasantly suprised. What we've got here a two solid thrash songs. They showcase some solid songwriting and not just someone slamming on a snare while shouting. The lyrics are your standard metal lyrics about death,gore and war and nothing special. There isn't really much to say about the songs except that they are solid thrash.
Now to the performance of the band. The vocalist sometimes remind me a little bit (really only a little bit) of John Cyriis when he is not doing his high pitched scream. The vocals are better than your standard thrash singer, but not on a level with the legends (John Cyriis, Sheepdog etc.).
The guitarwork is also good and the guitar solos are enjoyable.They have a nice tone and are propably the best thing about this EP. The bass isn't really that notable, you just feel that it's there and thats it. But after all this is thrash metal, which isn't relly known for its bass virtuosos . I can't say much about the drums, as I don't know much about drums but I would say that they are the weakest part of this recording. They don't sound that good and I feel that they propably drag the quality of the songs a bit down.

Personally I think that the title track is the better of the two songs, but not by far. Maybe it's because Necrobutcher is a bit slower than Possessed by Steel.
If you are a fan of thrash and want to expand your collection with a few 7" of underground bands, then I'd say buy this. If not, just check it out and hear for yourself.
_________________
Ugh!

Top
 Profile  
Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3858
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:33 pm 
 

Musical description is lacking. You're speaking mainly in musical opinions.

Formatting (spaces between paragraphs, quotations around track titles, etc.), punctuation (presense of and spaces around them), and capitalization all need fixing, and that means careful proof reading. Seems like you feel like the music is pretty meh, and I don't much see the point in reviewing something that's meh because those reviews end up being meh. Maybe review something you think is good instead. Up to you.
_________________
C/Fe

Top
 Profile  
The Phobos
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2015 11:27 am
Posts: 114
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2018 3:12 pm 
 

Thanks for the feedback.
Maybe I should just review my favourite album.
_________________
Ugh!

Top
 Profile  
~Guest 435953
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2018 1:06 am
Posts: 6
PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2018 12:51 pm 
 

I wrote this review the other day and it got rejected. Why did it get rejected?

Spoiler: show
This album is considered one of the first metal albums ever made, and is thus considered very highly by those who worship certain metal canon narratives. Back in the day, shit was slung towards it, and it was unfavorably compared to Cream, in one very notorious instance. However, does it hold up as many in the metal scene would like you to think?

The album starts out well enough, with a very uneasy vibe with a thunderstorm. This then segues into the now-infamous tri-tone opening that is the title and opening track of this album. This shows the almost classically influenced side of the band's sound, although it is rooted in a more diabolical style. This makes for a very amazing introduction to this album. This, however, then switches to a dramatically different sound on "The Wizard", which is a very lackluster blues rock song without much merit. This leads to another blues rock song, which is just as lacklaster as the song before it. However, about 4 minutes in, there is a shift to more competent riffs, which actually save this song from being a complete snorefest.

Starting on what I guess could be considered the second part of this album, it opens with yet another blues rock anthem. This one is also lackluster, like the rest of the blues rock on this album, save the part from the third track mentioned above. And the album ends with a song that starts out very sinister, and the atmosphere is indeed a nice touch. However, this doesn't last very long, as about 50 seconds in, this dark atmosphere is replaced by... yet more blues rock, although this time distinguished by a somewhat doomier take on the sound.

Overall, the musicianship is inoffensive and competent. The drumming is okay, the bass lines are decent, and Ozzy's vocals actually suit the atmosphere on these tracks. Tony Iommi's guitar lines on the opener, however, are probably the defining points of this release, as this song is just dark as hell due to these riffs. The production adds a dimension to this that would've been missing otherwise.

I think that the man who said these guys were "like Cream, but worse" was onto something. Why should anybody bother to listen to this album when bands such as Led Zeppelin, Coven, the aforementioned Cream, and other period heavy rock acts were making songs that blow the majority of this album away? As a blues rock album, this is okay, if rather cliched. However, this just doesn't stack up in the world of heavy metal, and should thus be regarded as worthy of a listen or two for historical reasons only.

Highlights: Black Sabbath.

Top
 Profile  
PaganiusI
Zee Bombelecher

Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:49 pm
Posts: 476
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2018 1:09 pm 
 

Paragraph 1: Intro
Paragraph 2: Tracklist with genre tags
Paragraph 3: Tracklist with genre tags part 2, this time with at least some description of the music
Paragraph 4: What instruments were used
Paragraph 5 Conclusion

To me this lacks an actual description of the sound/music itself rather than simpy calling it "Blues Rock", "Amazing" or "descent". How's the progression? How's the production? What are "competent riffs"?

Try to add more depth. Why do Ozzy's vocals suit the atmosphere and what atmosphere gets created by the songs. How do they do that? Take the second part of your third paragraph and go from there.
_________________
!Low-Life Arrogance!
~Feel free to visit: Blog - Shop~
~Live young, die free~

Top
 Profile  
Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3858
Location: FML States of America
PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2018 4:42 pm 
 

It fails on some technical levels. The second and thirds paragraphs are a lazy, nondescript track-by-track. There are grammatical issues throughout. The arrangement of ideas is disorganized and meandering. But that's all standard stuff.

My beef is with its truly impotent attempt at iconoclasm, in particular its failure to follow through on its main premise: "Does it hold up as many in the metal scene would like you to think?" Theoretically, the follow up is "NO, and here let me show you" with a review that goes on to competently critique the album. It does not, preferring to just sort of slag it off a bit. The arguments are weak; the comparisons are monotonous; the style is wordy and insubstantial. Utterly unconvincing and barely even a decent first draft. This critique of an enshrined legend, to use a baking metaphor, is raw dough. As Paul Hollywood said, "I won't be eating that."
_________________
C/Fe

Top
 Profile  
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic Go to page Previous  1 ... 92, 93, 94, 95, 96  Next


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: SweetLeaf95 and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

  Print view
Jump to:  

Back to the Encyclopaedia Metallum


Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group