The positive tone was fully intended. It's a nice album, but it's just a tad too nice. Like I said in the review, it's kind of those CDs with recordings of ocean waves. Nice stuff, very relaxing, but it doesn't do anything at all.

Here's a WTF-moment:

The only 3 reviews for Arsonists Get All The Girls are all positive.

Nobody else wants to listen to them to review?

I enjoyed Droneriot's review as a piece of writing, I'm just not sure it really serves as a good album review. I suppose it does get his point across that the album is boring, but there really isn't much else in the review.

Anyways, here is one I found that seems particularly bad.



First of all, this review is more about him and his taste than the album, and the roughly half a paragraph about the album provides little insight to the music other than that the riffs are "elegant" and everything else is nice and fits well.

I enjoyed that. Furthermore, it's interesting to see thrash metal reviews written from a death metal fan's perspective, it's often the other way around.

And it's come to my attention that this is the best opening paragraph ever:



Absolutely fucking brilliant.

Yeah, Noktorn's reviews of non-extreme metal bands are always interesting to read.

ANationalAcrobat's Draconian Times review came close to having me in tears throughout. The opening paragraph in particular:



Thank you for making my day .

(I'm definitely finding and listening to it this weekend)

Made your day, Christ!? I'd toyed around with actually submitting that for a few weeks... but I think inertia got the better of me.

To be fair, I've been having a rather shitty week/end. Most humor attempts usually bounce right off me, so its refreshing when I can find something to openly laugh to.

grimdoom's new Amorphis review http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=148#66546

The opening paragraph is hilarious, and I can't tell whether the humour is intentional.
Heavy metal albums to copulate to? Seriously.

Other than that and calling Amorphis a doom metal band, it's a pretty good review, for grimdoom especially. His writing has improved a lot.

Ha, don't worry, it's just one of my more lightweight reviews. Characteristic I suppose - much like the penchant for malapropisms and nonsensical passages so cryptic in meaning that even I no longer understand them. Oh, the horror, the horror!

Gah, he still sucks. And I can think of plenty of heavy metal albums thatt are worth copulating to .. oh, never mind.

Hey, thanks Acrobat .. I think that is one of my more imaginative reviews, too, which is odd since the score is so average and my feelings on the album are congruently far from strong, but maybe that provides for a certain amused detachment about the whole thing. I always have a hard time with opening paragraphs, too. I just read how you took the wind completely out of Alestorm's sails (hah hah) .... that was brilliant, except now I feel for the first time that I'll just have to listen to this band to see how dire they really are.

Edit: The new Bathory ("Blood, FIre, Death") review by Elfo19 is a little infuriating. He seems to be chiefly disappointed that the album doesn't sound like Falkenbach or Tyr or something. No shit, it sounds thrashy! Also, the first and last tracks are the only songs on the album that exceed seven minutes in length, if I remember right ... he totally failed to differentiate between the epic tracks that contain the blueprints for what would later be the Viking-Bathory style and the raging black metal songs. Essentially, it sounds like he barely listened to it because it didn't meet his expectations of what a viking metal album should be. Not exactly nuke-worthy, but pretty noobish, you might say.

New Blood Fire Death sucked, its suck was altogether justified by the man's bad taste. A quick hop to his profile revealed all sorts of Amon Amarths and Iced Earths.

Thanks, I'd just have to say that the review was deliberately close to the recent CoB one as given they are essentially both the same shitty bells-and-whistles but no actual substance sort of band. I suppose even though droneriot's review for their full-length perfectly summed up the band's sound and complete lack of bite, I wanted to write a review from someone who found that one song offensive on most levels as I don't think he was actually all that infuriated by what he heard. I had fun with the tape worm in space bit, too.

He said a better band than Bathory is fucking Ensiferum? Come on.

New RIB review by The_Ghoul...


If this is an inoffensive packaging of thrash, what is the offensive thrash that this was "dumbing down"? Putting aside the "short songs are bad" bias that suggests a sheltered listening experience, it's the comparison with Metallica's black album that really makes me scratch my head.

It was fucking terrible. He completely failed to grasp the album on any level. And I'm not even that big a fan of that particular album compared to the ones that followed or came before, it was just an unspeakably lame review.

Also, that tape worm line was hilarious. Not often that I laugh out loud when reading a review, but you succeeded. Well done, sir.

This line from Leechmaster's review of Rotten Sound's Exit brings to mind unspeakable thoughts:



I imagined that as the drummer blastbeating his wife's butt with a drumstick.

No matter what adjective I used, it always ended up sounding funny.

I found that particular review tolerable up until this point. While people are entitled to their own opinions, placing Ensiferum above Bathory is just wrong.

It's a pretty odd comparison anyway ... rather like saying that Helloween is better at playing power metal than Venom is. The only thing those two bands really have in common is that they sing about vikings.

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.ph ... 945#132584

Every second word is a swear word, there is no musical analysis whatsoever. Let me demonstrate the crappiness of this review by imitating its style:

This is so fucking shitty that I fucking can't even fucking remember shit! There's one riff which is pretty good but it's so fucking boring after just 20 seconds because there aren't drum fills! I can't even fucking remember what happened after that because the music is fucking monotonous as shit, and I can't fucking listen to the album for the second fucking time to check out, because it's so crap.

Gives a clear picture of the music, no? I think this should actually be posted in oven fodder. No, it should've been posted in crappy diem after being rejected.

Read his profile. Corpsegrinder apparently raped him as a small child or something (or at least that's the only reason I can imagine CC being the recipient of so much of his juvenile rage).

Anyway, he openly admits in the review that he hasn't even heard the whole thing, and it's pretty obvious that he was just writing it as he was listening to it for the first time. Sure, a negative review may be in order, but surely one is bound to come along that is better than this pile of tripe.

Reviews that openly state that the author has not heard the entire release are supposed to be rejected out of hand, without exception. Nuked.

Just out of curiosity, whose review was that? It appears to have been deleted but my guess is DaddyZeus67. I depise that guy.

Yeah, it was his review.

Good to see he lost some of his precious points aswell.

the goon resubmitted it and it got approved AGAIN
hahaha
wow what an awful "reviewer" all he is is a Barnes worshiping tool.
why are some people even allowed to contribute if they can't do anything objectively whatsoever?
furthermore it's all personal opinion but the band changed drastically moreso after Rusay was fired, not after Barnes got the axe-if anything the band grew to intense levels they would have NEVER achieved with Barnes

but don't tell this guy that, his head might explode

wait i mean "don't fucking tell this guy that fucking shit, his fucking brain might fucking explode...shit!"

(ps: does he really think New Yorkment is a) good b) real !?!?!)

I can't see it? I guess it must of been deleted.....again. His review for the 'Evisceration Plague' single is still up there but no album review. Damn, I really wanted to read it.

And yes, I'd say he really does like New Yorkment, which isn't a suprise seeing as how he enjoys Waking the Cadaver aswell.

well i hope that review has been blacklisted, its just a hackneyed diatribe bitch fit, not so much a review

anyone who seriously likes New Yorkment really is an idiot, and its not opinion, the band is literally a pisstake on slam and exclusively made to make fun of it.

It's not the most fantastic simile used in a review here, but for some reason it just clicked with me. Maybe it's because I have a fucking rabid obsession with Swedish Fish, but I still liked it.

I liked the 20-sided one better.

That review is full complete WTF moments though. The credibility of the review really suffers from those unrelated, irrelevant attempts at humour. The part you quoted is somewhat relevant, but what relevance does a part like this have?

I don't get that vibrator thing either.

The 20-sided die joke was funny though.

The passage, I think, is just a way of saying that the songs tended to meander around aimlessly.

i disagree with the review, but i have to admit that it was pretty funny.

These are my thoughts as well. I didn't agree with the review, but I found certain sections amusing (most notable the "grubby man" part)....

Thanks for the appreciation. I enjoyed writing that one quite a bit. I don't know how you don't get the vibrator joke.

Remarkably, your question answers itself. That review is excellent and I found it very enjoyable to read.

It hasn't been accepted yet but i am particularly proud of this one , and this band has meant ALOT to me over the years . I don't know if i should post it here but I'll give it a shot I guess . SO Hopefully Enjoy !!

Papsmear -fear and loathing in las vegas demo



Thrash metal has become a lost art . Many bands have knowingly commercialized exploited and destroyed this once great genre . It's sad that once immortalized underground heroes such as "Metallica", "Megadeth", and yes even "Slayer" have sold out to the very thing they once fought against, commercialism . Now it has for many years been a question of great debate as to whether or not these once great bands sold their souls to the mighty dollar or the mighty dollar just happened to influence their musical out puts as they grew in popularity . It is in my humble opinion bands like this ruined the once cherished underground . (well maybe not Slayer) In the years before the term "thrash metal" was a common household name it was much much more to us that lived through these years of a flourishing young scene . This was music of OURS, not theirs . It was the powerful angry enraged music of OUR generation . This music wasn't supposed to be for the masses . This music was supposed to be for the dedicated metal worshippers who took the time to write to the bands, go to the shows, and yes even take an occasional beating for looking completely different and listening to what most considered out cast music . These were bands we as brothers and sisters would with out hesitation die for as metal heads . This wasn't just music, this was a way of life, a religion demanding the utmost dedication at all times that we "true" followers more than willingly participated in . I was part of these early years of this long dead scene . Now granted there is still a thrash metal scene today but anyone that was around in the time period of the beginnings of thrash will tell you it is just not the same . At the time long before the suffocating influence of electronics and cheap trickery to make heavy music that much heavier bands did the unthinkable, they played their hearts out . This is without a doubt one of those bands .

Las Vegas's "Papsmear" were a true thrash giant . The sound of this great demo is a thrashing power house unmatched to this day . Starting off with a minute long instrumental appropriately named "Requiem" this forgotten bands talent is immediately evident . A sick groovy riffing monster complimented by inconcievable talent and speed, it is the perfect precursor for what surely is next to come: a violent fulfilling neck breaking attack on the senses . The multiple guitarist's in this band were outrageously talented playing with as much conviction as any of the garbage sellouts previously did before them except for one huge difference; they would not and did not sell out . These guys had a perfect feel for thrash the way it was meant to be . Insane riff work done with blazing speed and perfect execution .

The drums on this as well are again nothing short of perfect . Pounding in unrelenting unforgiving fashion with the long forgotten art of show-off-quality technique . I mean if you have the talent show it right and he does so without remorse . The bass is just as amazing keeping up with and holding down the rhythms beautifully . This band was insanely tight and fast and had to be throughout the recording of this demo to pull this off and they did perfectly . Anything less would be unforgivable . The entire structure of every song is nothing short of sheer genius . Whether it's the skull pounding perfection of "Reign of Terror" or the follow-the-thrash-formula of "Die Killing" this demo never even considers for one second to ease up . Also in an almost inconceivable move this band did the unthinkable on this release, two yes two instrumentals on one five song demo . The funny thing being that the second of them entitled "Paptest" is just as amazing as any of the songs with singing in them . Completely unheard of the time; this would inevitably warrant a quick fast forward on this cassette right ? Wrong !

Speaking of the singing what we have here is a perfectly disgusted sounding compliment to all that is amazing about what this band was . Every mean spirited lyric sung with unmatched grimness and ferocity . Nothing else would fit here and his voice along with the rest of the band remain to this day a lone jewel in the crown of the forgotten thrash kings of old . What a sick voice !

Truthfully throw your "Dave Mustaine's", "James Hetfield's" and even dare I say about ninety percent of what you've considered amazing thrash bands in the fucking garbage, because honestly only early "Sadus" and "Incubus" (the real one not the mtv garbage band) can hold water against this amazing band . These guys and this demo in particular will always hold a special place in my collection .

In a never ending list of favorite demo's, and in a long dead commercially corrupt genre, this one band will always be the crowning achievement that came out of what thrash was all about : a bunch of guys getting together and knowingly voicing their very real opinions, attitudes and disgust towards a society that in one way or another has shown us what a fucked up world we really do live in . All hail the forgotten kings of thrash, PAPSMEAR !!!!! This one is worth tracking down .

Interesting review there hellhippie, I'd heard some good things about these guys and I think there is a compilation by them available at The End Records, I may just check it out.

trust me you should , it has their first 2 demo's plus a live set from vegas that i had when i was like 16 in 1988 , and another that is so so . Only 1000 copies made , so good luck they rule .