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failsafeman
Digital Dictator

Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2004 8:45 am
Posts: 11863
Location: In the Arena
PostPosted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 9:07 am 
 

206 wrote:
Perplexed_Sjel wrote:
Destroys All Opposition! - 88%
Written by Perplexed_Sjel on October 4th, 2006

When I first wrote the review for Dying Fetus’ epic assault ‘Destroy The Opposition’, back in October 2006, my knowledge on the death metal scene was limited.

He sure learned a lot in 4 days :lol:

I'm guessing he re-wrote the review later. The original submission date stays no matter when or how much you edit (as long as the edit is re-accepted).
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Perplexed_Sjel
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2006 3:33 pm
Posts: 2162
Location: Afghanistan
PostPosted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 12:33 pm 
 

Indeed, I re-wrote it about two years after the original review.

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Acrobat
Eric Olthwaite

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:53 am
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Location: York, North Yorkshire
PostPosted: Sat Oct 17, 2009 5:29 am 
 

I just had a glance through a few of the reviews for the last two Darkthrone albums, I was horrified - I mean utterly horrified - by the amount of, well, let's say a certain few buzzwords I saw. They're often followed by the phrase "elitists".
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Khull
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:44 pm
Posts: 568
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Sat Oct 17, 2009 7:45 pm 
 

I took some time to read sushiman's review of Design Your Universe. It was quite long winded at times, but you did a great job at describing basically every aspect of the album, comparing it to Epica's previous works and how it related to other bands of the style. I found the closing paragraph a bit on the touching side as well:

sushiman wrote:
With After Forever now gone, it is all the more important that Epica, half as their legacy and half as their symbiote, produce quality music...But Epica may now be mentioned in the same breath as Amaseffer, Therion and so forth, as opposed to Delain and all that...


As a long time fan of symphonic metal, this review was an enjoyable and agreeable read.

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Wet Pussy
Waterlogged

Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2008 12:13 pm
Posts: 4209
Location: Pakistan
PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 10:39 am 
 

ANationalAcrobat wrote:
I don't know about you guys but I'm still waiting for this review:

Pet_Wussy/Misainzig's ghost wrote:
First of all, I'm a Megadeth fanboy so it's impossible for me to be objective when it comes to my FAVOURITE band. I loved United Abominations, and thought it was stunningly original and played a vital part in RETURN OF THRASH! (which started well over 9 years ago and is still happening today; I guess it takes a long time to get all that thrash through the door, huh?). I even think Risk is pretty darn nifty - I mean who wouldn't want to hear a thrash band do disco? Anyways, this Endgame the nth number in a long line of comebacks from, the man, Dave Muistane. What Dave has done, with a little help from Jesus (who provides a sweet bass break on the title track), here is hire a guitar player who makes up for a lack of charisma by sounding a little like Marty Friedman and a bit like Chris Poland!... *dribbling continues*... Did I mention that this album is better than Death Magnetic? Suck on that one, Metallica, you just got owned in the hoary old thrash game by THE ENDGAME! WOOO!


There you go, I guess I wrote your review for you. You can pad it out with individual song description and what not... be sure to comment on Sneap's wonderfully sterile production job and be sure to score it no less than 99% or else you're not a MEGADETH FANATIC!


I find you amusing most of the time, but this was just lame. Nevermind the fact that no sane man on this planet would consider UA a thrash album (megadeth fanboy or not), and it 'playing a vital role in thrash's resurgence' part was so retarded, it wasn't even funny.

Thanks for motivating me to write a review for it, though. :thumbsup:
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 8154
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 1:26 pm 
 

Wet Pussy wrote:
ANationalAcrobat wrote:
I don't know about you guys but I'm still waiting for this review:

Pet_Wussy/Misainzig's ghost wrote:
First of all, I'm a Megadeth fanboy so it's impossible for me to be objective when it comes to my FAVOURITE band. I loved United Abominations, and thought it was stunningly original and played a vital part in RETURN OF THRASH! (which started well over 9 years ago and is still happening today; I guess it takes a long time to get all that thrash through the door, huh?). I even think Risk is pretty darn nifty - I mean who wouldn't want to hear a thrash band do disco? Anyways, this Endgame the nth number in a long line of comebacks from, the man, Dave Muistane. What Dave has done, with a little help from Jesus (who provides a sweet bass break on the title track), here is hire a guitar player who makes up for a lack of charisma by sounding a little like Marty Friedman and a bit like Chris Poland!... *dribbling continues*... Did I mention that this album is better than Death Magnetic? Suck on that one, Metallica, you just got owned in the hoary old thrash game by THE ENDGAME! WOOO!


There you go, I guess I wrote your review for you. You can pad it out with individual song description and what not... be sure to comment on Sneap's wonderfully sterile production job and be sure to score it no less than 99% or else you're not a MEGADETH FANATIC!


I find you amusing most of the time, but this was just lame. Nevermind the fact that no sane man on this planet would consider UA a thrash album (megadeth fanboy or not), and it 'playing a vital role in thrash's resurgence' part was so retarded, it wasn't even funny.

Thanks for motivating me to write a review for it, though. :thumbsup:
No, it was funny. I can't comment on the accuracy of this parody, though.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 1:28 pm 
 

It's pretty accurate really, disregarding the minor fallacies that Hassan pointed out. And I don't just mean it's accurate about the people Acrobat was satirizing; it's accurate for a great number of drooling fanboys around here.
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 8154
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 5:28 pm 
 

Quote:
It's simple. This is still Metallica. The greatest metal band ever. The worst moments on the album would be the best on many other young metal bands. It falls a little short by Metallica's standards, but by anyone else's, it would be great. And this is reviewed on the basis of objective quality, not on a comparison to their early work. So I recommend you buy this album, simply because it's still Metallica and that alone makes it worth buying. Besides, as the biggest selling metal album of all time, it would criminal to call yourself a metal fan and not know this album, simply for the sake of history. As an album-good. But as Metallica-short.
Speaking of parody, is he serious?

For those interested, this is from MetalMasterBlaster's Metallica s/t review.
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Evil_Johnny_666
Reigning king of the night

Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2007 8:54 pm
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Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 5:48 pm 
 

Ilwhyan wrote:
Quote:
It's simple. This is still Metallica. The greatest metal band ever. The worst moments on the album would be the best on many other young metal bands. It falls a little short by Metallica's standards, but by anyone else's, it would be great. And this is reviewed on the basis of objective quality, not on a comparison to their early work. So I recommend you buy this album, simply because it's still Metallica and that alone makes it worth buying. Besides, as the biggest selling metal album of all time, it would criminal to call yourself a metal fan and not know this album, simply for the sake of history. As an album-good. But as Metallica-short.
Speaking of parody, is he serious?

For those interested, this is from MetalMasterBlaster's Metallica s/t review.


:scratch: Metallica = the definition of overrating

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EntilZha
Retired

Joined: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:22 pm
Posts: 2119
PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 6:39 pm 
 

Ilwhyan wrote:
For those interested, this is from MetalMasterBlaster's Metallica s/t review.

Are you sure that's not from one of caspian's reviews?
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caspian
Wanderer of the Wastes

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
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Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2009 6:45 pm 
 

nah, it's not hyperbolic enough for me. I like where that dude's coming from, though
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ForNaught
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Mar 27, 2006 5:37 pm
Posts: 1096
PostPosted: Thu Oct 22, 2009 5:22 pm 
 

I was just perplexed by this.

judasiscariot, reviewing Twilight of the Idols, wrote:
If you really like Gorgoroth check it but beware it might not be what you expect. If you are not into black metal that much and want variety you may find this to be for you (espiecially if you like new darkthrone from panzerfaust onwards.
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ogmetal
Veteran of the Psychic Wars

Joined: Fri Jul 02, 2004 9:22 pm
Posts: 2858
PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:58 pm 
 

I was reading this review of Corrosion of Conformity's Deliverance:

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=3684#48565


"Heal My Wounds," arguably the most well-known song off of "Deliverance," is a perfact example of what is wrong with the album as a whole. The riffs are there, but they aren't memorable."


--That's song is catchy. How anyone can honestly say that song or riff isn't memorable is beyond me. Not only that, but the song is called "Clean My Wounds". Perhaps he got a bad download? :lol:
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KerberosOfHades
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Oct 09, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 485
Location: New Zealand
PostPosted: Mon Oct 26, 2009 4:33 pm 
 

Zelkiiro, on Holy Creatures Quest by Kerion wrote:
Having decided that I want to set out to kill these people, I went to look at who was responsible for all this. The member list astounded me with the fact this shit disk has a dedicated "author", who apparently does nothing else with the group but write what the songs are about. Fuck you, whatever your name was. Get your ass in the studio and help out, you lazy dick, before I shove an ice pick in your skull. Also, your story lacks originality in every conceivable way.


One of the funniest and best phrases I have ever read in a review. Along with the rest of the review it made me decide to give Kerion a wide berth.

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Zelkiiro
Pounding the world with a fish of steel

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:30 pm
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Location: Pennsylvania
PostPosted: Mon Oct 26, 2009 5:19 pm 
 

KerberosOfHades wrote:
Zelkiiro, on Holy Creatures Quest by Kerion wrote:
Having decided that I want to set out to kill these people, I went to look at who was responsible for all this. The member list astounded me with the fact this shit disk has a dedicated "author", who apparently does nothing else with the group but write what the songs are about. Fuck you, whatever your name was. Get your ass in the studio and help out, you lazy dick, before I shove an ice pick in your skull. Also, your story lacks originality in every conceivable way.


One of the funniest and best phrases I have ever read in a review. Along with the rest of the review it made me decide to give Kerion a wide berth.

And I was dead serious, too.

God, thinking about that album again makes me feel unclean.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 26, 2009 5:22 pm 
 

Immortal and Anubis Gate have both had separate authors write lyrics for them. I guess it's not exactly the same as Kerion, as in the former case it was because the band member was injured and in the latter case it was to improve the quality of the lyrics, but still. That's not always a bad thing.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 10:36 am 
 

Quote:
Rather like the father band themselves, many of Savage Circus' best moments come in the form of the choral climaxes where songs rise to levels of significant majesty and grandeur. It might seem a subtle difference but those moments are the reasons why I feel Blind Guardian are just about the only listenable power metal band going.


From ThrashManiacAYD's review of Savage Circus. You know nothing about the genre, stop trying to review it. This is just fucking retarded and inane; so no other Power Metal band builds up songs to "significant majesty and grandeur"? I find it hard to believe you even listened to more than the most popular bands of the genre. This is like saying "Behemoth are the best DM band around because they write epic melodies and heavy riffs."
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failsafeman
Digital Dictator

Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2004 8:45 am
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Location: In the Arena
PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 1:22 pm 
 

Basically whenever anyone says something like "this is basically the only (blank) metal band that's any good" or "usually (blank) metal sucks balls, but this is actually listenable" I just stop reading.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 2:06 pm 
 

It would be fine if he showed some evidence of actually knowing something about the genre and just said "BG are the best band in the genre because of their unique style and the way Hansi's voice interacts with the heavy and melodic guitarwork," but this is just silly. And he gave Mystic Prophecy a 40% and Iced Earth like a 90%...yeah, it's all opinions, but I do not agree with that at all. It's like the opposite of my own score.
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sushiman
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2008 10:41 pm
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 11:44 am 
 

Khull wrote:
I took some time to read sushiman's review of Design Your Universe. It was quite long winded at times, but you did a great job at describing basically every aspect of the album, comparing it to Epica's previous works and how it related to other bands of the style. I found the closing paragraph a bit on the touching side as well:

sushiman wrote:
With After Forever now gone, it is all the more important that Epica, half as their legacy and half as their symbiote, produce quality music...But Epica may now be mentioned in the same breath as Amaseffer, Therion and so forth, as opposed to Delain and all that...


As a long time fan of symphonic metal, this review was an enjoyable and agreeable read.


Thanks for the mention! Glad someone made it through that monster. My review for Sabbath's Tyr is about 1800 if you fancy some bedtime reading, I'm going through a very long-winded phase at the moment.

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Perplexed_Sjel
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2006 3:33 pm
Posts: 2162
Location: Afghanistan
PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 4:18 pm 
 

Just a general point here and though I don't like to criticise other people's work, the latest Hypothermia review is atrocious. The occasional spelling mistake is something I can overlook, but referring to Hypothermia as a "brown metal" band is ridiculous and that isn't the only retarded thing he says ...

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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 8154
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 6:28 am 
 

Indeed. There is almost no musical description, the writing is utter rubbish and the overall tone is immature and unfunny.

This line is the culmination of the review's cretinity:
Quote:
Lyrics: 0 points for the fact I don't know how to read Swedish.


Allow me to laugh.
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EntilZha
Retired

Joined: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:22 pm
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 7:15 am 
 

review wrote:
Hypothermia's side:
Band name: +5 points
Music: +10 points
Sound production: + 5 points
Lyrics: 0 points for the fact I don't know how to read Swedish.
Vocals: - 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000010000000

Aska's side:
Band name: +5 points for originality
Music: 1 point
Sound production: 1 point
Lyrics: 0 points
Vocals: 1 point (a fuck load better than that idiot from Woods of Infinity)

That totals a score of 23.
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failsafeman
Digital Dictator

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 9:12 am 
 

Man, what a terrible, terrible review. Gone.
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 10450
Location: Seattle
PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 8:09 pm 
 

This autothrall dude is going to dethrone hells_unicorn by next year if he keeps up reviewing +10 albums every submission clean-out.
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Napero
GedankenPanzer

Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2005 4:16 pm
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 11:04 am 
 

OzzyApu wrote:
This autothrall dude is going to dethrone hells_unicorn by next year if he keeps up reviewing +10 albums every submission clean-out.

His reviews are the best very short, to the point and concise reviews I've seen in a while. I've awarded 3 points for most of them, but they are enjoyable in their rude, brief and condensed form. Nothing extra, and sometimes way too little, but sometimes really good, considering the length.
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oneyoudontknow
Cum insantientibus furere necesse est.

Joined: Sun May 21, 2006 6:25 pm
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Location: Germany
PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:18 pm 
 

OzzyApu wrote:
This autothrall dude is going to dethrone hells_unicorn by next year if he keeps up reviewing +10 albums every submission clean-out.

Look at his profile... he is posting also a lot of his old stuff currently.
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
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Location: Finland
PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 8:27 am 
 

This review (by nezzmarr, on the St. Anger single) finally made me understand just how fine music St. Anger really is.
Quote:
Performances of musicians on this song cannot be judged separately because the song's main theme is anger, anger and once more anger, and all the instruments' plus vocals' role is to express it, and they succeeded in this task. Sure there are better guitar riffs, or better drummers or better whatever, but this song is supposed to sound like it does, and it suits it perfectly.
I now understand that when the song is about anger, anger and anger (did I say anger), it's ok for the musicians to play like shit, forget about riffs and songwriting, sing off-key and overall sound like they were completely hammered. The song, too, can sound like it was written by an extremely intoxicated monkey. It's supposed to be like that - complete shit - so that makes it actually good.

Quote:
I really love this song, and the video is also pretty cool. But here on MA, there are so many "new Metallica" haters nowadays, and this song does not deserve it. And "Fuck it all and no regrets!" actually expresses what I was thinking about all this Metallica hatred when I gave the song 95 percents. It deserves it.
"Because so many people hate this album, it's alright to give it a score way higher than it deserves even in my opinion."
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206
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:00 pm
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 2:23 am 
 

What the Christ? Great read if you don't like grind. Funny read if you do. Score notwithstanding, terribly inaccurate review.
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Byrgan
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2004 5:35 pm
Posts: 406
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 7:41 am 
 

msupplier wrote:
"The point of me stating this is because I am about to discredit Byrgan's review from 2006(a couple of reviews below this one) and I want to make it very clear I know what the fuck I'm talking about."

"For some reason Byrgan doesn't understand that Autopsy has always had humor in their grotesque offerings."

"If you are into Autopsy, you have probably already heard this album & know exactly what I am talking about. If you aren't into Autopsy, don't even bother cuz you'd never understand. If you're a "reviewer" and you like to review albums you have no clue about, please reconsider.
This album is sickness. and humor. this is Autopsy. this fucking rules."


http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=6171#12347

I'd be more appropriate to get potentially discredited in an e-mail or on a forum than by a person in a review who's a few important lessons away from being a productive critic. Or even in a well-rounded and original piece that might sway the reader from constructive insight, than creating a pissing and intimidation contest.

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Napero
GedankenPanzer

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 7:45 am 
 

Gone. That thing should not have been approved in the first place, if people wish to discuss other reviews, the board is the place to do it..
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failsafeman
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 10:13 am 
 

206 wrote:
What the Christ? Great read if you don't like grind. Funny read if you do. Score notwithstanding, terribly inaccurate review.

Inaccurate how? I'm not a grind person.
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206
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:00 pm
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 10:38 am 
 

failsafeman wrote:
206 wrote:
What the Christ? Great read if you don't like grind. Funny read if you do. Score notwithstanding, terribly inaccurate review.

Inaccurate how? I'm not a grind person.

For one, he mentions distortion is only good if Cliff Burton does it, which is bullshit on every level. Secondly he states the drumming is awesome, when in fact Mick Harris couldn't keep time to save his ass. He was "charmingly" bad. He complains that there is only one song over three minutes long - when "short, fast and loud" was the staple of the genre. He complains about a lack of guitar solos - something grindcore just does not have. Finally he says never buy this classic, which is the equivalent of a death metal fan telling the world never buy Realm Of Chaos by Bolt Thrower

Basically everything he complains about is what sets grind apart. Makes it great for a laugh. I wonder if it's satire or idiocy. Either way, what the christ!
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Jonpo
Hyperc6l6mb6wler

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 11:12 am 
 

I think it's pretty clear that he doesn't really understand the ideas behind grindcore or where it came from ("This is metal people". No.), but I don't think knowing that it's "supposed to sound like that" would change his opinion of the music.

I'd love to see that guy do a review on Horrified though. Best bass distortion ever...
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206
Metalhead

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 11:43 am 
 

Jonpo wrote:
I don't think knowing that it's "supposed to sound like that" would change his opinion of the music.

That's what makes it funny. That's why I wont review music I do not like/understand.
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failsafeman
Digital Dictator

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 12:21 pm 
 

206 wrote:
failsafeman wrote:
206 wrote:
What the Christ? Great read if you don't like grind. Funny read if you do. Score notwithstanding, terribly inaccurate review.

Inaccurate how? I'm not a grind person.

For one, he mentions distortion is only good if Cliff Burton does it, which is bullshit on every level. Secondly he states the drumming is awesome, when in fact Mick Harris couldn't keep time to save his ass. He was "charmingly" bad. He complains that there is only one song over three minutes long - when "short, fast and loud" was the staple of the genre. He complains about a lack of guitar solos - something grindcore just does not have. Finally he says never buy this classic, which is the equivalent of a death metal fan telling the world never buy Realm Of Chaos by Bolt Thrower

Basically everything he complains about is what sets grind apart. Makes it great for a laugh. I wonder if it's satire or idiocy. Either way, what the christ!

Ohhh, the window didn't jump down to the right review and I thought you were talking about Noktorn's. Yeah, brutalbassist's review is fucking retarded. In fact, the whole page needs a purge.
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The_Boss
Set Abominae

Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:45 am
Posts: 2745
PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 5:32 pm 
 

Kruel's review for France's Agressor has a what the fuck type error in it, on the first sentence. Usually if there's this kind of error on the first fucking sentence I usually stop reading but coming from Kruel who I expected to proofread it at least once, having written some decent reviews (though I don't agree with) before. Maybe it's one of his earliest reviews, though it's probably just a quick slip that anyone could make but still.

Also, as he explains the album it's quite different from what I expected. Though I haven't heard this album in particular, I'm listening to their debut and it's not really much how he describes it, unless they've changed their style a bit, who knows. Just thought it was a tad out of character.

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=1604#132884
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ThrashingMad
Skanky

Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2007 3:47 pm
Posts: 2149
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:24 pm 
 

Damn, the complaints in this thread are becoming more and more trivial. Most aren't really "what the Christ", as much as "Hmm, that's kinda weird."

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Voice_of_Reason
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Jun 24, 2009 5:38 pm
Posts: 665
PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 2:57 pm 
 

I too am shocked to find that metalheads can sometimes be a bit histronic when complaining about stuff. ;)
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Acrobat
Eric Olthwaite

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:53 am
Posts: 8411
Location: York, North Yorkshire
PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 10:34 am 
 

Misainzig wrote:
This is a pop album, pretty much exclusively. I myself aren't too fond of pop music. I'm sure well over 95% of the people who visit this site aren't fond of straight up pop music. Knowing this is a pop album, how can the rating be anything but 0%? How can any self respecting metalhead enjoy such a type of album? Because Phil Lynott is the subject under the microscope, and Phil Lynott knew how to write music that was catchy, heartfelt, and genuine. Every song dips deep in the pool of Phil's superior songwriting skills in one way or another.


Misainzig appears to have got even more stupid in death. Normally, that wouldn't be saying much... but, you know. Sheesh.
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