Naturally the fart gas emitted into the microphone by DiSalvo is well worthy of a good bashing. If you thought that what was heard on “Chaos A.D.” or “Far Beyond Driven” was hilarious, just spend a few minutes listening to “White Worms” or “Emaciate” and try not laughing your ass off at it. It’s all either the classic “blah blah blah blah blah….rooaarrr”, “grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt, sppeewww” or the occasional “grah grah grah bllaahhh” percussive nonsense that all but imitates the sound of a drum. It’s even more annoying than when jazz singers occasionally try to imitate a trumpet with that goofy “bop bop be dip dee doo” baby talk.

Let's imagine that In Flames found a bunch of Celtic folk instruments lying around in an attic and decided that they'd try their hand at this folk metal thing that has gotten so popular as of recently. Now, imagine what this personified ideal would look like. To me, it seems like modern melodic death metal and Celtic folk metal's bastard child would look scraggly and unshaven, probably with less teeth than fingers. It would hobble when it walked and would be perpetually slouched over. The rasp of it's smoke damaged voice would be near indecipherable, and it's noxious aura of odoriferous funk would prevent anybody from getting close enough to hear it speak anyways. Now let's imagine blowing him up, say we slipped a small bomb into his half-eaten-and-found-in-the-trash burrito or something. After the chunks of dirt ridden meat finish raining down on the streets of the city, an amateur mad scientist with a scant understanding of human anatomy attempts to stitch him together. This resulting creature stands as my visual representation of Eluveitie, a patchwork entity that is coherent and recognizable, but at the same time disjointed and ugly.

It's probably been posted before but I'm not reading through 14 pages to see if it has. This is one of my favourite passages I've read in a review here. It comes from a review that BastardHead wrote on Eluveitie's "Slania". This guy is perhaps my favourite reviewer I've seen so far on the archives.

Thank you very much good sir! Believe me, I take every ounce of praise like it's the only bit I've ever gotten and will ever get. Stuff like this just makes me beam. Also, being told that I'm perhaps somebody's favorite threw me for such a loop, my head's still spinning. Thanks again.

Jeez, I'm really bad at accepting praise gracefully eh? I always gush.

Hmm, the content of that new Alestorm review by Managarm seems awfully familiar...

The vocalist is a screeching bastard, having a somewhat decent mix of screeching, wailing, and croaking like Shagrath meets -insert generic name here- to make an interesting mix.

By its very nature, doom metal is a style of music that does not accommodate the impatient and the emotionally vacant. The fearful ones who invest so much energy attempting to evade the unpleasant realities of the human condition, running fast from the revelations of truth awakened by lonely introspection and existential contemplation will eternally find themselves perplexed in the encounter of art such as this. And so shall they eternally fail to ever develop a true appreciation of life as a whole, refusing to accept darkness and light as equally essential to the journey of existence. Pantheist expertly strikes this balance through the shining triumph reflected in the ascendancy of mountainous passages over musical landscapes of desolation. Real happiness is only realized after having made it through the suffering of despair and sorrow, as only then can the true meaning of joy come alive. The overcoming of such a struggle is something to surely be rejoiced, and this album is certainly a tremendous soundtrack to such a rapture. Embrace the journey! Acknowledge the agony! O sweet Melancholy! O glorious Sorrow! O Solitude!

I loved this one.

I had the misfortune of seeing Whitechapel on Summer Slaughter ’08 tour, well actually I blame myself for going to that shitty tour but it’s hard to miss the chance to see Vader and Kataklysm aye?

I really love THIS review by Noktorn for "World Coming Down" by Type O Negative -

www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=3534

It reminds me of just how devastating that album is, and why I'm so painfully moved to tears when I listen to it; even if I don't agree with all of his observations about the sound and reason for their music, throughout their career.

Do you like it? Its a bit of a slow burner; it has to grow on you. And its not just goth, it also has heavy slabs of doom and sludge mixed in. Its just such an amazing album, and one of my all time favorites.

Not a textbook thrash break, but still this song exhibits the ten classic signs of ownage. (Signs 1 to 10: riffs.)

"What the flying fuck?" was the first thing that hit me when I read this:



How does Mortuus sound anything like Shagrath? Even if you did mix Shagrath's utterly miserable vocals with anyone else's it still wouldn't sound like Mortuus in the least.

Tries to say Whitechapel is bad, then says he was eager to see Kataklysm, instantly rendering all opinions irrelevant.

I bet you like Whitechapel. Stop being a butthurt fan

Lastly, if something seems too loud to you in the mix, make sure you don’t have an EQ on. The artists EQ’d the it already to suit the material.

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=181432#125040



Quite stupid.

Warbringer has a knack for attracting douche bag reviews, it's kind of sad because they're not bad for an obvious throwback.

The title of BastardHead"s All That Remains review is pretty funny, despite him stealing it from NOFX.

I've actually never listened to a single NOFX song, and only know the name of one (they did that "Please Play This Song on the Radio" song right? If so that's the one I know about). Otherwise it's kind of cool that I'm nabbing sayings from things I've never listened to.

The guy who just reviewed Deep Purple's Stormbringer really got the wrong end of the stick. In no way is Stormbringer a metal album, it's funky rock really. Not a bad review though.

Yes, and his Scorpions one is a bit silly, too.

I like to think that I'm an open minded individual. Not one of those pretentious ones who preach it, mind you, but rather someone who simply finds many forms of music (well, metal) enjoyable.

The rack is one of those forgotten classics that is not even so mentioned on the magazines or on internet