Surely no one's ever had a one-man metal band... surely.

That whole first paragraph is comic gold. I couldn't bear to go past that though.

I also found this homage to Strong Bad in the review under it:

Heh . I need to fix that, methinks.

Jesus, has it been that long? Seems only yesterday I was catching a Missingo and fucking up my game.

It's a little Engrish, true - but still understandable enough, isn't it?

It's understandable, but I still think it's pretty bad engrish.

In this recent brilliant analysis (http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=1408#40130) of Ildjarn's Strength and Anger, the writer claims:

"It is not only comprised of one riff, but it is comprised of ONE NOTE! One fucking note. For the whole fucking song. I'm sorry, but no matter what argument you throw at me, that doesn't change the fact that it's one note. Anybody could've done this. Any fool could've written this. Shit like this takes ZERO artistic effort. I could list more examples, but that would require me to listen to this abomination again."

How fucking dense are you? Or is your hearing really that bad? Normally this kind of argument would be completely benign, but this guy really has very little other support for his argument against this album. It doesn't even matter that most of the songs on the album contain riffs with several notes, or that the bass is quite audible, because it's fairly apparent that he probably didn't listen to the entire thing even once. How can you judge a work of music when you don't give it at least one fair, unbiased listen? You cant.
What he's really saying here is this:

"This album is very raw and doesn't have enough hooks or technical wankery to satisfy me. Actually, it's slightly more listenable than bands like Belketre, who I claim to like. I refuse to actually REALLY listen to music, it must require as little effort as possible to 'get', so I will dismiss this album as worthless. Now excuse me while I go cry and listen to some Yngwie albums."

I'm tired of these kids who try to be edgy by finding albums with a decent amount of praise and giving them incredibly low ratings just because it doesn't immediately grasp them. Oh well, I'll rest easy knowing he actually thinks Nargaroth and Michael Angelo Batio are good . I wouldn't be bitching about any of this if it wasn't for the review being so poorly-written and ignorant.

The_Ghoul has clearly made it his life's work to go around finding black metal albums that are held in high regard and writing whiney, undescriptive, downright stupid reviews for them.

His new Pantera one was annoying. I fail to see when Pantera was a thrash band. Maybe a fleeting second in 1989 although I haven't listened to all of Power Metal in a while, I heard the title track the other day, sounded like speed metal to me. Interesting that they 'killed thrash' without ever playing it for a whole album... in fact I struggle to think of one Pantera thrash song. At least the Metallica killing thrash thing was from one of its own, because thrash (if dead) killed itself.

Well, while I don't totally agree with that, Pantera's influence was pretty undeniable in the 90s thrash scene.

Yeah it's certainly there. But Pantera didn't kill thrash, no one forced all these bands to adopt a groovier sound. Thrash killed itself as did grunge. But you know all good things come to an end and thrash simply couldn't of continued the way it did in the 80s, it was a phenomenon in metal that we'll sadly never see again.

Another gem from The_Ghoul (on the topic of Metallica's new single):

Hey buddy, I identify with your overall idea (that Metallica's new song sounds like something made by people who have only a basic idea of what metal sounds like) but revisionist history is hardly the best way to get your point across.

He also says that Mustaine wrote "most" (!!!) riffs on the first two albums. Maybe he means most good riffs, I don't know, but the way he wrote it it's definitely not the truth.

I agreed that Overkill were doing KEA type stuff, but I can't hear stuff as advanced as Ride the Lightning on it. But I haven't heard the second Overkill record, only the first. Metallica have sucked for a long time, but lets not change the past. The first two records still rule no matter what. I do like the Lica joke though I'm sure I've heard something similar before.

Like the kids who pronounced it Metal-licka when they first came out.

Yeah if he really thinks that Overkill has ever done anything baring any resemblance to "Ride", then he must have enough wax in his ears to supply an entire Yankee Candle.

I'll correct it ASAP...thanks

Is Bastard Head fat? He really loves comparing metal to food. But the chocolate pudding spoon in arse joke was good.

I'm certainly unhealthy, but I'm not fat. I eat Wendy's as often as possible and my grease-to-meat ratio is usually somewhere around 1-6, I'm disgusting. 165 lbs and 5'11" doesn't seem to horribly fat to me.

I do enjoy comparing things to food and I've even made some self deprecating fat jokes in the past though. I love making fun of myself and speaking in extended analogies.

BH and I are close to the same size and hate Time Does Not Heal. I think it's love.

Jeebus, and we though Kruel was a caricature

The review isn't awful per se, but the rampant and foolish fanboyism and blatant hypocrisy were enough for me to realize that I hate reviews like this more than any other. "Usually, I'm opposed to soloing too much like Dragonforce, but here, Exmortus do the exact same thing according to my definition but it's awesome because I have a total hard on for this band and not the other". I guess the amateurish way it's written along with the annoying content is really what flipped my "annoy the living dick out of me" switch.

Also, he says he pretty much worships UltraBoris in his profile, which seems to explain a small amount.

I don't think Ultraboris would ever praise the butchered rape job Killswitch Engage did to Holy Diver, and I don't think he got the memo that Boris kept his reviews pretty short and to the point. Nonetheless, the album in question isn't too shabby, but this review reeks of pretentious fanboy style fellatio, which shouldn't be encouraged on the printed page unless it's done with intelligence. (see Droneriot's review of "Gates Of Purgatory")

The review is gone. The users should pay attention to factual accuracy in their reviews.
Overkill's first demo tape was released in 1983, by the way.

I'm a bit annoyed at myself for the first sentence of my newest review of Amon Amarth's "Once Sent From the Golden Hall". I use consistently twice in the same sentence. It sounds pretty sloppy as a result, but I'm going to keep it there just to be able to look back on it one day.

human666, when you write a rant on a release, then at least write the band name correct. Should not be so difficult.
http://www.metal-archives.com/review.ph ... 5473#68424
edit:
mereimage99 is as brilliant.

Deleted. I rejected it before, but it seems he submitted it largely unchanged (though the English was even sloppier on the version I saw) and someone else approved it. Going to go with my rank on this one.

Good call on that one, it was ridiculously misinformed. I don't care whether or not he likes the album, but to say what he did without anything but bare-bones knowledge of the band was a little silly.

Edit: quite an "Eh?" moment on the remaining Motorizer review;

'Most of the guitar work is actually done by Lemmy on the bass'. Erm, that's very misleading. Lemmy plays his bass like a rhythm guitar, perhaps is what mereimage99 meant. Though, he simply plays bass... just in a Lemmy sort of way. Also the reviewer refers to himself as a 'Motorhead' either he/she actually is a speed freak or he/she was looking for the term Motorheadbanger... well, I might as well nitpick. Still, not a bad review.

This means nothing, those songs could have and likely were written before Metallica's stuff was in circulation. The issue isn't who got the first demo tape out, but the fact that every no brained moron claims that Metallica invented Thrash metal as if it occurred within a vacuum.

Nonetheless, the review sucked, and the statement about Mustaine writing most of the riffs on the first two albums is factually inaccurate, though he did write most of the good riffs.

Hey Kruel, how's that Altars Of Madness review coming along.

You know... the, uh, one you've been working on for four years.

How's that coming.

I abandoned the idea... There are already 14 reviews, all of them postive (and only one of them going below 90) - no need to add one more of those when everything else, especially yours, says exactly what I'm going to say.

So he's listened to 2.5 tracks and he thinks he'll go right ahead and review the album? Mind you, he then proceeds to do a track-by-track run through as he goes, but I still think it's uncalled for to not listen through an album at least once.

Not a good argument, Overkill did no start to write their own songs until 1981. The starting position for both bands was pretty much the same, they were only underground local bands.
First demo was a milestone in a band's career back then and a way how to get their music known among a larger group of people.

I'm intrigued. What exactly is Overkill's argument for being the first thrash band? I know they were doing Sonic Reducer in the late 70s, but still when they played that in 85 it sounds like a punk song, so of course, this argument is perpetually flawed. But is that the end of the argument? I'm relatively new to Overkill so I'm not familiar with all their history. Who exactly gets the label inventor of thrash?

There really was no one inventor of thrash, there couldn't have been if Kill em all and Death By Metal demo came out in the same year. Obviously some bands were already way ahead of the curve, so we should just consider KEA as the first full length album of a thrash metal band and leave it at that. Whether Overkill may or may not have been able to release Feel The Fire earlier is not something worth debating over so much when it really wasn't all that much more evolved thrash than KEA in any case. I am a huge Overkill fan, so nobody need assume I am pulling them down here or something, I just don't think a matter or a year or two or sometimes even only a few months separating releases is so important, but not everybody thinks that way obviously.

'I’ll admit that it’s occasionally fun to light up the torches and seek out the heretics, as any other good Catholic metal head would surely approve of, but this alleged threat to our church was over before it started.'

I liked that one, especially as a sort of Catholic metalhead. I always preferred h_u's negative reviews, it might be just me. I suppose I like the change in tone it gives.

Sonic Reducer is a cover of a Dead Boys' song (which is actually a cover its itself, but that's another story).

Yeah I knew that, I'm quite familiar with the punk scene. That's why I said it still sounds like a punk song not a thrash song.

Oh sorry, I thought you were just saying it sounds punkier, but didn't make the connection.