Perplexed_Sjel on Corrupted's El Mundo Frio:



Really?

Well, it isn't the first.

It's pretty damned close considering half the interesting metal these days is coming from grorious Nippon.

Yeah, it's pretty close...

Actually, it could really be the first if "explore" means to explore outside of the obvious countries.

I read a review for the last Demoniac full length the other day, in my great disgust for the album I'd of figured that it would have been bashed to itty bitty pieces as any sensible group of metalheads should have. I was wrong. These are some of the incredible thoughts I was treated to:



Already Im throwing up a little in my mouth. Two paragraphs later, my rage reached new levels with THIS:



Followed by a teeny bit of reason. Combined with the fact that he gave the album a 99, it makes very little sense if all it lost was 1%. Also, apparently all german bands are nazis.



Next up, its time for us all to bang our heads. Against a brick wall.



Thankfully, the ending was a bit after that.



And you thought your average DragonForce worshipper was a dumbfuck.

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=624#80507

This review claims that there aren't any guitar solos on the album, but if I remember correctly, at least Skald Av Satans Sol and As Flittermice As Satans Spys have a solo in the end.

He also accuses the album of lack of melodies, but the opener and closer tracks are both pretty melodic.

IWP mostly does power metal albums, and to the ears of about 95% of people who listen exclusively to that genre, Transylvanian Hunger does not sound melodic. Furthermore, someone who listens to shred solos might not qualify the simplistic stuff that Fenris did on that album as a solo, but just a sort of melodic passage.

Yeah, he does admit that he isn't a big fan of black metal. I understand his point of view. However, one who doesn't like said genre in the first place doesn't really have much right to call classics of the genre overrated, in my opinion. Not understanding repetitive and raw black metal is one thing, reviewing those albums regardless is another.

Perhaps, the primary reason why he said he reviewed it was because he purchased the album as a first experience of the genre, and that part of the review was a reaction to black metal fans trashing some of his favorite power metal albums.

Personally, I've listened to Darkthrone's entire discography (Transylvanian Hunger is overrated IMO, it's their 3rd worst album as far as I'm concerned) and like most of their stuff (I'm partial to early Emperor and early Gorgoth but Darkthrone is one of my favorites in the genre), but I do agree with IWP's opinion that most extreme metal fans who review power metal albums come off as complete dumb asses who constantly use stupid cliches like "gay" or "cheesy" or "masturbation" or some other idiotic phrase as a brief musical description to an otherwise non-descriptive hatchet job.

Indeed, but anyone who "reacts" to stuff like that with reviews like his, probably shouldn't be reviewing in the first place. It's like little kids shouting "but he started it!"

Only if it doesn't truly reflect his opinions. If power metal reviewers have to be squeaky clean in their motivations for reviewing high rated black metal albums to make some point, the same should apply to people who troll every genre.

That's a pretty meta review, I can't tell if he's deliberately being that simplistic about the album in a sort of sarcastic way or if he genuinely only likes power and thrash and can't see why BM can't just sound like Overkill.

My point was just that if he wrote the review just as some spiteful reaction to the black metal losers who trash power metal for being melodic and "gay" or whatever, then it's a pretty lame reason, as I rarely see black metal fans trashing power metal albums in such a manner. I have no doubt that he really does think all of that, but yeah, Noktorn pretty much summed up my opinions on the review.

Yeah, the more I look at his other reviews the more I think he really does just want it to sound more like power and thrash metal. There's no other logical reason to spend effort on evaluating the music of countless power and thrash bands and then discount Darkthrone with some of the most bland criticisms you can make of them.

I don't really agree with the review myself, I was more explaining it than defending it. That album did have a pretty inflated score with all of those fan boy reviews, but I think Caspian's review took care of most of that and worked a little better. Besides, this isn't the oven fodder thread anyway.

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=74168

The 5% review for that album is completely undeserving. I'd understand if someone who wasn't a fan of many genres with the "harsh" form of vocals, but the guy compares Arno Strobl's shrieks to a Dani Filth impersonation. Nearly all the songs on the album have coherent progression as well, so I don't understand what he's getting at with the wall of noise argument. Finally, he compares every track on the album to Slipknot. That's complete bullshit. Satanic Disaster, if nothing else at all (though there are plenty of examples that topple his statement), is a black metal parody song in lyrical sense, but is more or less composed in mock-black metal style. It sounds NOTHING like nu-metal.

I don't despise all black metal though. Bathory, Venom, and early Sodom are actually very good bands, and if I were to make reviews on any of their albums, I'd probably give them pretty high scores.

Besides, I just think that the Darkthrone album is overrated. Especially with all of the 100 and 99% ratings. Not only that, but my score for the album wasn't even the lowest. Someone else gave the album a zero so if you're going to criticize my review, you might as well criticize his too.

Those are all thrash bands with screechy vocals though.

IWP is also notable for his recent Waking the Cadaver review. Writing about the 30th negative WtC review for this site but accusing the band of jumping on a bandwagon. I guess he's never heard of irony...

Yet again who cares?



Apparently the first wave of black metal meant nothing to you.

It may have been posted before but, I really enjoyed reading this section from Napero's Master of Puppets review.



The term "mosh-Jesus" is comedic gold.

So much so, even I had to steal it at one point. That really is a good review.

I generally love any little personal stories in reviews, even if fictional. I like to do them myself. Gutterscream too usually has loads of good ones.

Probably snuck this in there accidentally.

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=29104#92282

Sure, this is a necessary review as it shows that people who don't appreciate atmospheric elements in metal won't enjoy this album, but this part really bugged me:



The author cannot even recognize what atmosphere means in metal, if even music in general. Such ignorance I find rather perplexing - does he actually think that the only way that music can be atmospheric is by including samples? I wish, because then I wouldn't need any music at all; I'd just stand in the middle of a forest all day.

Has the 10% review of Hammered by Motörhead ever been brought up?

It's really short, especially for a full length album. It's probably the first or so review by the user, whose later reviews are semi-decent considering the rules at the time.

I've submitted reviews that were more descriptive than this that were rejected - and it helped me learn how to write a proper review...kinda. I still need work... but if I tried submitting a review this short with that many spelling and grammar errors...

Spelling and grammar errors in bold:


... okay, so maybe there weren't as many noticeable errors as was first impressed upon me, although there are some run-ons and fragments.

"You can't even tap your foot to this, let along headband!" could be an interesting, if not boring, signature.

It saddens me that there hasn't been a good review for Exmortus' debut yet. I think the album is fantastic, but it seems I'm a fan of a band whose fanbase's collective IQ ranks somewhere between a functionally retarded raccoon and mustard.

Once my other computer is fixed, I'll be back to reviewing (long story, I broke the internet on my computer with my music, so I can't listen and review at the same time (which is essential to my writing process) unless it's in hard copy, and since I've been doing mainly negative reviews lately, I obviously won't own albums I dislike).

I laughed quite a bit at Gunther's Mk-pi Deep Purple joke. But Don Airey was far from unknown pre-Purple, he played in Rainbow and MSG.

Fulvio_Ermete on Ross The Boss - New Metal Leader



What the fuck is this paragraph?

That's true, but compared to John Lord was what I trying was to point out.

Perhaps it backfired and now I look like a douche.

Nah, don't worry it was a knowledgable and well informed review. Don Airey is a great replacement for Lord. I never could get into Steve Morse though, I'm a Blackmore man through and through... hell, as I write this I've got a stratocaster in my lap.

I love what Morse has brought to Deep Purple. I think he style and influences were great keys to unlocking progression. Have you heard any material with Morse?

I've heard Purpendicular. It's pretty good, I suppose I just don't like what he does live, I want the Blackmore songs played like Blackmore. I know it wouldn't happen from Morse which is fair enough he has his own identity. I'm just a picky bastard really.

I liked this little sentence from the latest SFU review Noktorn did:

Shuffling like a guilty six year old was so much better. I have to say that was a great analogy.

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.ph ... 8199#99317
Flows like shit. Note: Shit doesn't flow. - 35%
----------------------
I see this guy did never had any diarrhea.

Submitting all of The_Evil_Hat's reviews just for his ability to stretch anything into tl;dr insanity.

That man needs more fiber in his diet.

It's a good thing shit DOES flow, otherwise we'd still be using outhouses.