http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=2618#20265 <------ the last review is just horrible.

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=3769

Both of those are lame (All of Cheryl's reviews are pretty short and pointless, more promotion than review) but the top one is just ridiculously stupid. Yea, we get that you don't like prog, good work.

Seriously, I like most of UltraBoris´reviews, and agree of most of them but what is this?

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=20436#147

Christ almighty, who knew fagwads could ROCK?!!! - 90%
Written by UltraBoris on November 6th, 2003

This doesn't deserve a 90. Really, it deserves about a 77, because if it were Marshall Law or someone that put this out, it would be a decent 80s metal album, except too short and with slightly overslick production. But I'm gonna give this a 90 anyway, just so it can be over 70 points better than fucking Opeth.

FUCK OPETH!!! FUCK their pretense. FUCK their asininity. FUCK their inability to fucken rock hard. And FUCK the fact that this is a joke band and this pretty much owns the living donkey dickfuck cockrape out of anything that that bunch of cunt-rats ever managed to do.

Yeah, fuck them. And fuck their idiotic badmouthing of this genre of metal. Fuck the fact that this is about as classic and balls-out as it gets, and heavy fucking metal SHOULD sound this way, by definition, and not that modern tripe that masquerades as 'metal' but is more pussy than old Tom's mates and progeny... FUCK Opeth. Stupid bunch of pretentious gaywads that decided to say in an interview "well, Hammerfall did this too, and took it seriously".

You fucking know why? Because THIS is what heavy metal is all about. Fuck the pretenders. Fuck the fact that they dismiss this, because they're too young or impressionable or stupid or whatthefucknot, but enough with this charade where Opeth are labelled the masters of 'progressive' 'death' 'metal' when they are none of the motherfucking above.

WATCHTOWER pwn you.
POSSESSED pwn you.
JUDAS FUCKING PRIEST pwn you.

And yes, even STEEL pwns you.

Opeth, you bunch of stupid shitheaded cunts. Metal is not about growing cheesy moustaches, wearing berets, sitting around drinking wine, wearing high heels, staring at a bunch of rectangles on a piece of paper and admiring how awesome an example of modern art it is, smoking thin cigarettes through your nose and meditating on the virtues of black and white photography in subdued voices. FUCK THAT. Do you dare, do you dare?? Apparently, once you did.

THIS is the most brilliant thing you've ever done. Forget going for brilliance, because you have achieved it. I had thought you were just a bunch of morons that couldn't write a song to save your worthless lives. But no, you are worse. You just ENJOY pretending to be all snooty and idiotic and filled with drivel, even though you could actually write something that makes fucking sense.

It's not that you had no balls... you purposely cut them off!! I defecate on you repeatedly and watch your value increase! Cunts!

FUCK OFF NOWADAYS BULLSHIT LABELLED 'METAL'. Steel rocks. Fans of WASP, Skid Row, even old Virgin Steele... check it out. Don't hurl too hard when you realise what bunch of stupid poseurs came up with this.


It´s very uninformant(is that a word?) about the music and mostly bashes Opeth. I´m no fan of either Opeth or Steel (never heard them) but I think tis is kind of bad.

Yeah, the only thing I got from that review was "OPETH SUX!! LAWL!!!"

That's one of the greatest reviews of all time.

Yeah, that one is pretty bad. The content isn't even that humorous.

Nuked

Whoa, when did you become a mod? Congrats.

About an hour ago.

That review ruled tbqfh.

Yeah the review was good for some chuckles but it described Opeth's sound more than Steel's.

that steel review owns, you guys are harsh and elitist

It owns what? It owns nothing. I'm sure Ultra Boris will be mature about it.

I was gonna put it back then I re-read it and saw it sucked a lot more than I remembered.

Oh well.

Please don't kill my Pantera "Power Metal" review. It's sort of an archaic running gag.

yeah but he's an idiot

I won't

O shit, PGK just entered THE FORBIDDEN ZONE. And came out alive.

Does this mean we can nuke Cheryl's moderately useless reviews?

Hmm perhaps..

Think of it this way -- if it were submitted with todays standards would you accept it?

Edguy's shining moment - 95%
Written by Stormrider2112 on November 8th, 2003


"Excellent "happy metal" album. I've never been able to not listen to it for even a few days...one of the few albums I HAVE to play because it IS that good. Tobias Sammet is one of the best songwriter and singers in metal today, and this is proof of that. Not a dull moment on the album, and while it's not metal that requires a chiropracter from headbanging, it is great stuff to crank from your stereo and kick some sonic ass for an hour or so."

Wow, it kicks "sonic ass." Very descriptive.

it would help if you let us know which album the reviews is for.

Sorry, I'll do that next time. Looks like you found it though.

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=559#5599

...and? That's an opinion.

Except that he's factually incorrect. St. Anger isn't complex or progressive.

...except that was a review for ...And Justice For All.

Whatever you say Cynical

Not only is he factually incorrect, that genre has been around a long time.

I trust Olympic's opinion, because he's proven himself to be knowledgeable when it comes to metal. Plus, he's a damn good writer.

Anyone who says St.Anger is a good album has their opinion on metal immediately invalidated. I didn't make this rule, it's just there.

Whatever you say, grandeur.

I don't know, why are you even talkin' to these guys, sticky. They don't seem to realize, that the review is for ...And Justice For All and not for St. Anger. (yeah, I know, that Olympic gave St. Anger a high score.)

I know this was previously mentioned, but I still think requiem99's review for Textures' Polars is quite crap. Half of it is just complaining about how un-metal it is, and the other half is complaining about how numetal/mallcore is a shit genre, filled to the brim with as many gay jokes as he can pull out. He even admits in the review that he only gave it a single listen, but I doubt he even did that. I mean, to compare the band to Linkin Park and Slipknot is just ridiculous. Textures sounds like a cross between At The Gates and Meshuggah. That might not sound very appealing, but "One Step Closer" or "Spit It Out"? Hardly.

I don't care that he doesn't like the album, or he doesn't enjoy metalcore, I dislike pretty much every metalcore band I've heard. But it's quite clear that before he even heard the band, he had dismissed them as "baggy pant-legged skateboard jerkoffs" who make "homosexual noise".

I didn't say whether or not they were the first. Early prog-thrash is a thorny concept as thrash tends to be quite tricky in the first place, but that isn't the point of the fucking review.

I liked St. Anger, well, fuck me then. Regardless of your opinions on my opinions, unless you have a legitimate criticism about the writing quality of the review as it relates to the standards of this website you can shove your whining straight up your ass. If you want to debate my opinions or you have something to say in regards to my review, you're welcome. If you want to get my reviews deleted because you disagree with them, you're welcome to go get fucked.

And that last isn't in regards to Req or anyone else who weighed in on the prog thrash debate, it's in regards to anyone who advocated my perfectly acceptable Justice review be deleted in favour of some of the other reviews for that album. Mine isn't the best, but it's far from the worst.

I completely agree with that. The review is about the reviewer's opinion, and that shouldn't matter.

On another more pertinent topic, blatant plagiarism here.

long-ass URL

And...

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=618#15614

Same review, stolen from the biggest music site on the internet. Good job Metalbryan!

I was looking through Xasthur reviews and came across this one under Nocturnal Poisoning. This was the first review and over the year, 6 other reviews were added, and most of them being much better and descriptive of the sound. This one lacks description of the album and is nearly worthless without giving any ideas basing how this opus sounds. He mentions the first two songs and his description is beyond vague, one would think he put the CD into his stereo hoping for some "kewl black metal riffs to bounce around to" and then his mom yelled at him after the second song to turn his blasphemous music off to listen to wholesome christian music. Basically he rambles on like a webwarrior black metaller about how "tr00" and "kvlt" and "nekro" Xasthur is. I thought the reviews were meant to describe the sound for those who are interested in listening, not suck Malefic's "frostbitten clouded spire ov unholy baphokvltnezz." One of the most apalling reviews i've ever seen, if one can call this a review and not a crash course in fellatio.

Textures is gay nu-metal disguised as prog wankery. Thats my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

To whoever edited that massive AMG link in my previous post, thanks.

Three things:

1. I applaud you, PGK, for nuking that abomination that Boris wrote.

2. Req's "Textures" review stays.

3. I deleted that Xasthur review. However, kindly supply a link next time.