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Cat III
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:44 am
Posts: 382
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2020 12:07 am 
 

Jesus, Chard should've just taken a page from my book and only review things nobody has heard of. That way no one notices the glaring errors and terrible opinions.

Also, learning that Superchard was scribed has me thinking I took a little too much pride in gaining that status myself.
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Cat III
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:44 am
Posts: 382
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2020 12:18 am 
 

I forgot to ask a couple days ago when he published it, but did anyone else read EvilAllen's Opus Eponymous review? Seriously, what the fuck? During the writing process, was he the protagonist of a high concept action film in which his head will explode if he doesn't use quotation marks in every sentence? I've never seen such reckless punctuating. They're not word enhancers, for Christ's sake.
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hells_unicorn
Veteran

Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2005 8:32 pm
Posts: 3056
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2020 12:29 am 
 

Cat III wrote:
I forgot to ask a couple days ago when he published it, but did anyone else read EvilAllen's Opus Eponymous review? Seriously, what the fuck? During the writing process, was he the protagonist of a high concept action film in which his head will explode if he doesn't use quotation marks in every sentence? I've never seen such reckless punctuating. They're not word enhancers, for Christ's sake.


My friend, I fear you are underestimating the full extent of Mr. Allen's pursuit of evil. It is his intention to torture his readers, for such deeds can only help to spread the suffering that serves the ends of evil, hence the genius that is EvilAllen! Muhahahaha!!!
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Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3812
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2020 1:51 am 
 

Superchard, good grief. What a twit.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1640
Location: China
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2020 2:02 am 
 

hells_unicorn wrote:
Cat III wrote:
I forgot to ask a couple days ago when he published it, but did anyone else read EvilAllen's Opus Eponymous review? Seriously, what the fuck? During the writing process, was he the protagonist of a high concept action film in which his head will explode if he doesn't use quotation marks in every sentence? I've never seen such reckless punctuating. They're not word enhancers, for Christ's sake.


My friend, I fear you are underestimating the full extent of Mr. Allen's pursuit of evil. It is his intention to torture his readers, for such deeds can only help to spread the suffering that serves the ends of evil, hence the genius that is EvilAllen! Muhahahaha!!!

If this remark wasn't just a touch personal, I would definitely use it as my sig :lol:

By the way, I haven't really changed my mind about the Holy Diver situation. It sounds totally different to Dio's original, but I personally like the added zip and crunch, kind of pulling it from heavy rock/metal to a more energetic sound. I might have to add the fifteenth review to that single, although I don't think I'll go all in with Kluseba's title, which has more than a bit of EvilAllen sadism to it. I also note that BastardHead seems to have taken his review down...

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1640
Location: China
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2020 4:43 am 
 

Very happy to see that Annable Courts has written a few nice reviews in the first few days. He started some excellent discussions in the Metal Discussion thread and his Opeth 'Deliverance' review was way more attentive than mine and said what I probably wanted to say if I had thought about it.

Apols for double post.

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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10857
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2020 7:13 am 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
I also note that BastardHead seems to have taken his review down...


I never reviewed it actually. I just think it's a decent enough cover that got trashed because the wrong band made the wrong decision with it and touched a nerve with the Defenders is all.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1640
Location: China
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2020 8:34 am 
 

BastardHead wrote:
gasmask_colostomy wrote:
I also note that BastardHead seems to have taken his review down...


I never reviewed it actually. I just think it's a decent enough cover that got trashed because the wrong band made the wrong decision with it and touched a nerve with the Defenders is all.

Well, I guess that makes sense. After all, in Communist Russia, reviews write you.

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DoomMetalAlchemist
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Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:10 am
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2020 12:04 pm 
 

This might be derailing the thread, so apologies, but hells_unicorn, are you really not aware the Pumpkins United line-up actually ARE in the process of recording a full blown studio album? I'm pretty sure it's all new music too, but don't hold me to that. All that's making me doubt there is you not being aware of it, and I'm thinking "Maybe he knows about it but it's just re-recordings of classics which I somehow missed in their facebook posts?" :lol:

Anyways, my opinion is, if Pumpkins United doesn't work out, and since Kai apparently doesn't want to sing in Gamma Ray anymore and just focus on guitar.... WHY NOT GET MICHAEL KISKE TO BE THE SINGER?????

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hells_unicorn
Veteran

Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2005 8:32 pm
Posts: 3056
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jan 28, 2020 3:44 pm 
 

DoomMetalAlchemist wrote:
This might be derailing the thread, so apologies, but hells_unicorn, are you really not aware the Pumpkins United line-up actually ARE in the process of recording a full blown studio album? I'm pretty sure it's all new music too, but don't hold me to that. All that's making me doubt there is you not being aware of it, and I'm thinking "Maybe he knows about it but it's just re-recordings of classics which I somehow missed in their facebook posts?" :lol:

Anyways, my opinion is, if Pumpkins United doesn't work out, and since Kai apparently doesn't want to sing in Gamma Ray anymore and just focus on guitar.... WHY NOT GET MICHAEL KISKE TO BE THE SINGER?????


I have heard about this, but I'm concerned that it might just be a collection of re-recordings. Don't get me wrong, I would love the idea of a massive Helloween album with both Kiske and Hansen involved, preferably something on the scale of a 4th Keepers installment and double album, but I'm getting a bit tired of waiting for a new album. It drives me crazy when bands like Helloween and Gamma Ray go for 4 or 5 years without releasing something.

Frankly, I wouldn't mind having a Kiske-fronted Gamma Ray if it came to that, but my preference would be for Kai to swallow his pride and get back behind the mic, the guy is a born front man.
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kluseba
Making Metal Archives Reviews Great Again!

Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:36 am
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2020 4:28 pm 
 

I like the Ningen Isu reviews by TheHumanChair. He has put a lot of detail, passion and research into his texts. I'm continuing to discover this band's amazing discography and his reviews are really solid guide lines.
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Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
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Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2020 5:09 pm 
 

A fitting username, lol. Very good band, good to see them get more attention.
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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
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Location: Canada
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2020 11:59 pm 
 

Yes! The Human Chair, my long lost colleague, has arrived.

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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
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Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu Jan 30, 2020 12:05 am 
 

Please don't hurt him too badly :(
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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
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Location: Canada
PostPosted: Thu Jan 30, 2020 12:05 am 
 

He's fleshy.
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hells_unicorn
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Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2005 8:32 pm
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 30, 2020 12:27 am 
 

When someone recommended a Game Of Thrones to me, I had no idea it would be a throwing contest, let alone a spectator sport. :o
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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 30, 2020 9:56 pm 
 

Wow, twist! That was a bold, albeit introspective and thorough, write-down for Kirk Windstein, there.

I like it!

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Twisted_Psychology
Metal freak

Joined: Sat May 16, 2009 8:22 pm
Posts: 6260
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2020 8:59 am 
 

CHAIRTHROWER wrote:
Wow, twist! That was a bold, albeit introspective and thorough, write-down for Kirk Windstein, there.

I like it!


Thanks, Chair, it was looking like a 80-85% at first but it's really growing on me.
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CHAIRTHROWER
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2020 11:57 am 
 

Was always sort of turned off by Crowbar but should probably check this solo venture out?

Being the last day of the month, I think it's high time some War Dogs come out to play...(or fight!).

Although I feel like a kid in a candy store of late, lulled left and right by all this kick-ass metal out there...currently digging Vietnam's Vehemon and its Heavy Metal Children debut - oh, and Felix1666 created a monster with his (old time) Capricorn review.

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hells_unicorn
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2020 9:56 pm 
 

CHAIRTHROWER wrote:
Was always sort of turned off by Crowbar but should probably check this solo venture out?


It's pretty different from Crowbar, it has more of a traditional doom vibe, and Windstein's vocals are more melodic and smooth compared to his primary band. I could see you enjoying it, especially the Jethro Tull cover that closes the album.
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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2020 11:29 pm 
 

Thanks, I actually sampled some of his work whilst editing (not too "rabidly") War Hogs...that Aqualung cover is definitely one for the ages!

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~Guest 135946
MUH BOTH SIDES!

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 741
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 2:23 am 
 

Damn Charizard, that band War Dogs is absolutely badass and that 100 is well-deserved. I need a download link pronto.

Though, I wouldn't really contend what you have when it comes to its vocalist but the rhythmic chops are there with all the nyloned gymnastics that show such maximal glutonomy to ensure a great trapeze of talent than its lessers in such a shredding sphere.

While Paul Di'Anno was a passable Maiden comeuppance, I'd still be bereft of passion to not find myself in the throes of denouncement when it came to conflict with the greaters bespoken of those that you have so upheald while simultaneously furling the standard when mentioning the likes of Dickinson and Halford. Have you forgotten yourself in your passion sir?

Metal Gods deserve far more reverence and deference than to be cowed by such unction as that of this hoarse 'rock n roll' Rodriguez. While great as he may become, and I do hope he lives to the monolith you find him gazing from, I have yet to understand his supposition of superiority when even Mandy Martillo of Satan's Hallow has shred the larynx to great satisfaction not three years prior, let alone Jake Rogers of not only neo-NWOBHM style in Visigoth but also in the glorious Gallowbraid (a short-lived analogue to Agalloch that so scraped its bark against my frenulum in younger years) to show his strength across a breadth of metal magnificence.

Severely bereft of a noose am I when it comes to these thoughts I quickly hang myself on while maintaining merely an inkling that your zeal is quite warranted and, as tight as War Dogs has yanked its own knot, it becomes obvious that this tard shall choke on these words with every new knot in the band's web.

War Dogs fucking rocks \m/ Don't doubt yourself on a 100%. I know you felt trepidatious at first about putting out a few 100% reviews, but feel what you must and make sure that you live it as much in the review as you do in the score. If you get 100% from a band then make sure you write to what the band has given you. It's not the other way around, if it were we'd all be getting blown by hairy dudes for paragraphs and I know I'd feel weird after the first seven dozen or so.

It's a tough point to stick to being critical when a band asks for a review and is nice to you. If you don't owe anyone anything though, then you can be easily better positioned to say your will. Hell, I gave 100% three times to a band that was one man alone and I gave 100% to another band that was so far away and so dead now that it's as though it never existed. Still, I think Dessiderium and Festival of Mutilation were fantastic bands. Sometimes when they're alive it's more worrisome to say good about something because it could die an ignoble death. It's even sadder to die a hero in some ways when you're not the likes of Decapitated and are ready to skyrocket but never get the chance to launch.

The toughest one for me was a band that send me an EP last year and their first full-length later on. They never really improved more than their lofty explanation of themselves and so I ended up as half-hearted as their output was. It's a situation of psychic vampirism. I felt the band's own lifeblood draining from itself while it was so uptight about its presentation rather than its music and arrangement. That's fucking life and I'm hitting the point of saying what I will because, well, what is a bomb going to drop in a mailbox for me?

I love that you gave that band a 100%, and I know you didn't see it as a huge issue in your life but also had enough trepidation as an honest reviewer to make it tough on yourself to give out a score like that in a way that seemed "willy nilly". At the end of the day we're the assholes who don't play music, make albums, or provide anything more than praise or derision. What value is that shit to any who listens honestly anyway? It's fucking nothing. Yet somehow some dude from Kazakhstan still sent me 8 albums of death metal bands on his label that are working their ways though customs at the moment for me to review. Why does he give a shit about my stupid opinion and the ridiculous highfalutin' garbage that I put to a page?


Last edited by ~Guest 135946 on Sat Feb 01, 2020 3:31 am, edited 2 times in total.
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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
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Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 2:43 am 
 

I get what you're saying; I should've probably stated the singer has the potential to exceed their lore (like, he has to earn it, and as killer as said debut is, it's rash to jump to conclusions). Fine, I'll take one on the chin, there, but seriously, the first four songs, and "The Shark", in particular, are out of this Galaxy!

But thank you, tremendously, for the "appui" in my zeal and loss of compuncture!

(Here is a small gift, seeing as you're waxing, as I, nostalgic about MM):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUukzzYyKWE

p.s. the War Dogs is easily streamable at NWOTHM's tube page, but I dare say, if there's an album worth every bang for its buck, this has gotta be it!

p.p.s. had never heard of Lordi before, except maybe vaguely, in passing...Lordy!

(Now, where is that jubilantly frowning emoji, anyhow?!)

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~Guest 135946
MUH BOTH SIDES!

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 741
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 4:16 am 
 

[Checks edit]

Can you see I only come here when I'm drinking?

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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
Posts: 1028
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:23 am 
 

All the same, War Dogs' aint' no drunken novelty! (Ha, ha...)

Did you check out Sauron yet? (link above)

Holy crap! The singer is a (pre-emptive) live ringer for Satan's Hallow's glorified songstress...it's almost tragic how said demo is all it's put out, back in '84 - the year I went to Disneyland, but I think I've mentioned such already.

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~Guest 135946
MUH BOTH SIDES!

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 741
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 1:24 pm 
 

That Sauron link was good. Just wish they could have continued. Check this one out if you haven't heard it before: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=023oNRM72eQ This is the guy who now fronts Visigoth. It was a solo venture and he did a great job capturing that foresty Agalloch idea.

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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
Posts: 1028
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 3:30 am 
 

(Just listening to some Plasmatics right now...)

Well, I re-read your new edit and, boy, was it loaded, specially towards the end, there!

I hear you; I like to think, however, our reviews will be read and tripped out over 500, what, a 1000 years from now? Could you imagine?!

I've been taking a perverse leisure in reading Charles McKay's Mass Delusions (Madness In Krow-wowds); despite being written in 1850, man, it's so well legible and sharp, it's not even funny. So when reading or hearing quips from 500, 1000 years ago, it makes me trip!

(I'll check that link out, duly).

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Jophelerx
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:22 pm
Posts: 1462
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 1:12 pm 
 

So I found this old review: https://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/ ... Lab/14302/

I don't necessarily think it needs to be deleted, which is why I didn't post in Oven Fodder, but it does have a couple of fantastic Engrish gems, namely:

"Not a girly glam-rock day cream !"

and

"It's fucking rock in the hard way !"

The former especially I found endlessly enjoyable. Thought I'd share so everyone can enjoy!

And may we all follow true metal and stay away from girly glam-rock day creams! :D
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Sweetie
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2014 1:19 am
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 2:54 pm 
 

Jophelerx wrote:
And may we all follow true metal and stay away from girly glam-rock day creams! :D


Count me out
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caspian
Old Man Yells at Car Park

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 4:44 am 
 

man, that superchard fellow seems like a whole lotta fun, imagine thinking threatening to leave the site would achieve anything! The only person who is that important to the site after all is me.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 8:34 am 
 

Somehow fell down a rabbit hole online yesterday to try Blind Illusion for the first time since high school. Napero's review of their debut is still one of the best ones on here. He really wrote about that album in such a compelling way and articulated his feelings really well, especially for something like obscure 80s thrash that not everyone would even bother to take that much time on.
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colin040
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:00 pm
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Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 9:26 am 
 

caspian wrote:
man, that superchard fellow seems like a whole lotta fun, imagine thinking threatening to leave the site would achieve anything! The only person who is that important to the site after all is me.


John Arch rules, you silly! Fix your Awaken the Guardian review and then we'll discuss your position here.

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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
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Location: Canada
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 1:21 pm 
 

How does one go about getting in on some 'o that "girly glam-rock day cream", yo?!

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Sweetie
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 1091
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 2:39 pm 
 

CHAIRTHROWER wrote:
How does one go about getting in on some 'o that "girly glam-rock day cream", yo?!


By having literally any conversation about '80s metal with me :)
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Napalm_Satan
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 8:06 pm 
 

I do question calling Taake b-tier Norwegian black metal - it may just be me but those first three albums and Noregs are some of the best things to come out of the second wave and beyond; there's more classics under the Taake name than some of the better known bands of that era and locale have managed, and there is a fairly distinct style running throughout all of them. Then again, calling the bands that put out Nemesis Divina, Pentagram and Bergtatt b-tier as well raises even more questions.
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Smoking_Gnu
Chicago Favorite

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2020 12:20 pm 
 

Good, I was wondering if I was the only one weirded out by that review. :lol: IMO the only Taake album you could really consider weak is the self-titled, though I haven't listened to the newest one yet.
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hells_unicorn
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2020 2:06 pm 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
I do question calling Taake b-tier Norwegian black metal - it may just be me but those first three albums and Noregs are some of the best things to come out of the second wave and beyond; there's more classics under the Taake name than some of the better known bands of that era and locale have managed, and there is a fairly distinct style running throughout all of them. Then again, calling the bands that put out Nemesis Divina, Pentagram and Bergtatt b-tier as well raises even more questions.


There are people running around out there who think that any black metal albums released after 1994 are not worthy of consideration, regardless of how well executed the album is, that's the fundamental point I took away from the way that review argued its primary point. Granted, I'm not exactly the biggest black metal buff in these here parts, but I've noticed a pattern of hostility towards certain Norwegian acts following 1995 that are run along that line, to speak nothing for a number of reviews directed at bands outside of Scandinavia from that time period.
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Napalm_Satan
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2020 2:32 pm 
 

Which makes calling Gorgoroth B-tier even more nonsensical given the release date of Pentagram. Ahh well, no accounting for taste.
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hells_unicorn
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2020 3:09 pm 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
Which makes calling Gorgoroth B-tier even more nonsensical given the release date of Pentagram. Ahh well, no accounting for taste.


I rarely hear people call Gorgoroth B-tier (even back in the heyday of the "true" crowd here on MA circa 2006 it was rare), at least not their seminal albums, though I've heard plenty of people in the heavily purist camp rip on their later releases. Admittedly, I'm not a huge fan of the material they put out with Gaahl at the helm, but this whole mindset that "black metal died in '94 or '95" and that there are only 15 or 20 albums worth hearing is downright goofy.
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Napalm_Satan
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2020 4:43 pm 
 

Yeah exactly that's why I brought up that Gorgoroth line again, it's a headscratcher even in the context of an already questionable review. And that mindset of a genre having nothing to offer past its supposed heyday is one I've seen levelled at most sub-genres of metal, and in virtually every case it's absurd.


Smoking_Gnu wrote:
Good, I was wondering if I was the only one weirded out by that review. :lol: IMO the only Taake album you could really consider weak is the self-titled, though I haven't listened to the newest one yet.


Yeah pretty much in the same boat there, I've heard the newest is good but I haven't got round to hearing it yet. The s/t and Striden hus were steps down in my view, but still - that discography is hardly a mediocre run.
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