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BeigeToupee
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2019 2:22 pm
Posts: 12
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2019 2:18 pm 
 

That Slayer review really doesn’t make any sense when you go to his profile and Slayer is in his top 20 bands and he mentions that they don’t have a single bad song. What?

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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 9404
Location: St. Charles, Illinois
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2019 3:34 pm 
 

The review itself is dogshit, yeah. Not necessarily for the opinion itself, but because it's written like See Spot Run. I would proooobably pass it as a three pointer myself but it's about as bad as it can be while still technically being acceptable.

I don't think it's a troll though, not nearly hyperbolic enough to be doing any real attention seeking. Considering his age, I don't think it's unreasonable to think he's had a drastic shift of opinion in the seven-ish months he's had a profile. I know I certainly flip flopped what I thought by huge strokes when I was young too, and I have definitely gone seven-ish years without updating my site profile so yeah.

So it's an awful review and a laughably bad opinion that's barely backed up in the text, but I doubt it's a troll review.
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droneriot
incelgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
Posts: 9456
Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2019 6:13 pm 
 

If only he added some made up words, it would read like something by Dr Seuss or generally something from a story for toddlers.

Quote:
The instruments used are what you would expect in a metal band: guitar, bass, drums, and vocals. The best things about the guitar are obviously the riffs.

The instruments used are what you would expect from the little metal people: guitaloos, bassnaps, drumdrums, and voclatrons. The best things about the guitaloos are obviously the riffraffs.
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Xlxlx
Argentinian Asado Supremacy

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 8003
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2019 6:41 pm 
 

Oh, come the fuck on, drone...
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droneriot wrote:
The instruments used are what you would expect from the little metal people: guitaloos, bassnaps, drumdrums, and voclatrons. The best things about the guitaloos are obviously the riffraffs.

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droneriot
incelgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
Posts: 9456
Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2019 6:44 pm 
 

Classic German kids' shows definitely talk exactly like that review. Die Sendung mit der Maus, Löwenzahn, I'm sure they're based on some American original, but I wouldn't know what it is.
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Xlxlx
Argentinian Asado Supremacy

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 8003
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2019 6:56 pm 
 

No, I just meant, please, one signature at a time :lol:
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droneriot wrote:
The instruments used are what you would expect from the little metal people: guitaloos, bassnaps, drumdrums, and voclatrons. The best things about the guitaloos are obviously the riffraffs.

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Acrobat
Eric Olthwaite

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:53 am
Posts: 8387
Location: York, North Yorkshire
PostPosted: Wed Nov 27, 2019 3:00 am 
 

I liked that he called the final paragraph an 'outro'. Also, let's just imagine that he thinks Slayer is still one of the top metal bands, but he's only heard 20 metal bands.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 825
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:23 am 
 

Looking closer, he also wrote a numbered list of his favourite subgenres (in no particular order apparently), but most of his favourite bands don't come from those subgenres. Or did I miss the album where Deftones were a "gorenoise" band? Let's just judge quietly and in totality.

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Smoking_Gnu
Chicago Favorite

Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 11:22 pm
Posts: 4683
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Nov 27, 2019 12:06 pm 
 

droneriot wrote:
The instruments used are what you would expect from the little metal people: guitaloos, bassnaps, drumdrums, and voclatrons. The best things about the guitaloos are obviously the riffraffs.


Do you like guitaloos? I like guitaloos too! I like them in colors of red, green, and blue!
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maZe2110
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 8:19 pm
Posts: 91
Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Wed Nov 27, 2019 4:21 pm 
 

droneriot wrote:
If only he added some made up words, it would read like something by Dr Seuss or generally something from a story for toddlers.

Quote:
The instruments used are what you would expect in a metal band: guitar, bass, drums, and vocals. The best things about the guitar are obviously the riffs.

The instruments used are what you would expect from the little metal people: guitaloos, bassnaps, drumdrums, and voclatrons. The best things about the guitaloos are obviously the riffraffs.


Ahahah that's exactly as it sounded when I read it. Also, his youtube profile matches the text, as PaganiusI said.

Smoking_Gnu wrote:
droneriot wrote:
The instruments used are what you would expect from the little metal people: guitaloos, bassnaps, drumdrums, and voclatrons. The best things about the guitaloos are obviously the riffraffs.


Do you like guitaloos? I like guitaloos too! I like them in colors of red, green, and blue!


Nice poetry there :)

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Petrus_Steele
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 11:19 am
Posts: 109
PostPosted: Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:31 pm 
 

I'm probably the last person who should speak about this because of the way I rate albums 5%, but the very recent Sanguisugabogg review of Pornographic Seizures is too well-worded to be given a rating of 5%.

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 825
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 12:35 am 
 

Petrus_Steele wrote:
I'm probably the last person who should speak about this because of the way I rate albums 5%, but the very recent Sanguisugabogg review of Pornographic Seizures is too well-worded to be given a rating of 5%.

It was very controlled, you’re right. Sometimes that’s the best way to make your opinion more believable. As soon as I saw “a band with more t-shirt designs than songs”, I had made up my mind too.

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Element_man
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2005 2:37 am
Posts: 944
Location: Vancouver, Canada
PostPosted: Fri Nov 29, 2019 2:06 pm 
 

PaganiusI wrote:
Let me tell you that it's on the same level of quality as his music.

I just took a look. Holy fucking shit, dawg.
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Twisted_Psychology
Metal freak

Joined: Sat May 16, 2009 8:22 pm
Posts: 4823
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Nov 29, 2019 6:51 pm 
 

It’s so bad that i feel guilty about it.
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Twisted_Psychology
Metal freak

Joined: Sat May 16, 2009 8:22 pm
Posts: 4823
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 11:36 am 
 

I was curious to see Petrus’s review of that Pale Horse album but man that opening paragraph put me off reading the rest of it. Kind of a dick move to go out of one’s way to make a transphobic remark about Caputo, especially when she was still credited under her old name when the album was first released.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 27105
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 11:39 am 
 

I remember trying some of that band's songs and it just sounded like a really boring, featureless Alice in Chains.

Just saw what you said too - fuck that transphobic garbage.
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Last edited by Empyreal on Sat Nov 30, 2019 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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TheMeh
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2014 10:18 pm
Posts: 45
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 12:43 pm 
 

CHAIRTHROWER wrote:
TheMeh assured a fair share of (rueful) chuckles with his Ghost_Poser review...Thanks, it was a hoot!


I know I'm way late to responding, but I hardcore appreciate that someone liked that review. Glad to hear that positive reinforcement - still trying to find a good level of faith in how I review as is, so... yeah, thanks! I appreciate it a lot.
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Petrus_Steele
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 11:19 am
Posts: 109
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 2:16 pm 
 

Twisted_Psychology wrote:
I was curious to see Petrus’s review of that Pale Horse album but man that opening paragraph put me off reading the rest of it. Kind of a dick move to go out of one’s way to make a transphobic remark about Caputo, especially when she was still credited under her old name when the album was first released.


Empyreal wrote:
Just saw what you said too - fuck that transphobic garbage.


From Mina Caputo's page: "In July 2011, after performing for more than twenty years as a man, Keith Caputo announced plans to transition from male to female and began referring to herself with female pronouns. Now known as Mina Caputo, she does not mind when fans continue to refer to her as Keith."

She does not mind being called by her male/former name, which validates my statement. Considering my review was approved, I think I was allowed to say that. Otherwise, why would it be approved in the first place? I'd be asked to remove that statement upon rejection and would gladly do so and keep my opinions to myself.

That being said, how am I being transphobic? You want to open that argument on a civilized thread - be my guest, but I'm not going to participate...

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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 27105
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 2:23 pm 
 

It would've been easy to not include the parenthetical part about "I'm not calling him a she" or whatever. If she really doesn't mind then simply using the other name would be OK. No need to make it a weird stance.
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Petrus_Steele
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 11:19 am
Posts: 109
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 2:26 pm 
 

Empyreal wrote:
It would've been easy to not include the parenthetical part about "I'm not calling him a she" or whatever. If she really doesn't mind then simply using the other name would be OK. No need to make it a weird stance.


How or why is it weird that I'm calling someone by their original identity - despite the person in question not minding it?

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SweetLeaf95
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 856
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 4:06 pm 
 

It's the way you went out of your way to acknowledge that you refuse to respect someone else's pronouns. Sorta walked into that one, considering the general audience here, m8.
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Petrus_Steele
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 11:19 am
Posts: 109
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 4:21 pm 
 

SweetLeaf95 wrote:
It's the way you went out of your way to acknowledge that you refuse to respect someone else's pronouns. Sorta walked into that one, considering the general audience here, m8.


If you say so. Sorry for having a different opinion.

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droneriot
incelgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
Posts: 9456
Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 5:19 pm 
 

Life of Agony was a really boring band and their only selling point was the anguished vocals of Keith Caputo obviously being extremely miserable in his own skin. And years later everybody found out why that was. And anyone who was a fan or liked the band should support her finding some happiness in her life at long last.
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Petrus_Steele
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 11:19 am
Posts: 109
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:02 pm 
 

droneriot wrote:
Life of Agony was a really boring band and their only selling point was the anguished vocals of Keith Caputo obviously being extremely miserable in his own skin. And years later everybody found out why that was. And anyone who was a fan or liked the band should support her finding some happiness in her life at long last.


What are you telling me exactly?

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droneriot
incelgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
Posts: 9456
Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:08 pm 
 

Probably what I wrote.
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Petrus_Steele
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 11:19 am
Posts: 109
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:28 pm 
 

droneriot wrote:
Probably what I wrote.


You're basically telling me I should respect her regardless?

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droneriot
incelgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
Posts: 9456
Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:53 pm 
 

"Regardless" makes it sound like there was a crime committed. Really just a sign of respect. People tend to idolise the likes of Bon Scott, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Per Ohlin etc who fell victim to how messed up their lives were (which caused great music as a side effect), but the ones who work on figuring out what's wrong with their lives, why they're so miserable, and go and fix it are actually just as deserving of respect, if not more so. Misery makes great music, but at some point people deserve some happiness, too. It's actually what everyone wished Peter Steele would do and he did get clean, but too much was lost.
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Petrus_Steele
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 11:19 am
Posts: 109
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 7:00 pm 
 

droneriot wrote:
"Regardless" makes it sound like there was a crime committed. Really just a sign of respect. People tend to idolise the likes of Bon Scott, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Per Ohlin etc who fell victim to how messed up their lives were (which caused great music as a side effect), but the ones who work on figuring out what's wrong with their lives, why they're so miserable, and go and fix it are actually just as deserving of respect, if not more so. Misery makes great music, but at some point people deserve some happiness, too. It's actually what everyone wished Peter Steele would do and he did get clean, but too much was lost.


Okay, I get what you're saying now. No one's perfect and we all have our struggles and no one should be judged for those either.

I'll just remove what I said from my review and forget this fuss ever happened (this was never my intention to begin with).

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SweetLeaf95
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 856
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 7:40 pm 
 

.....anywhooo... regarding reviews, Tanuki's Enter The Grave writeup was a great read, despite me wildly disagreeing with it being the only recommendable album by them. Haha. Skull was one of my favorites of that year. Kinda waiting for a new record.
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Tanuki
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2016 12:36 pm
Posts: 367
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 8:15 pm 
 

SweetLeaf95 wrote:
.....anywhooo... regarding reviews, Tanuki's Enter The Grave writeup was a great read, despite me wildly disagreeing with it being the only recommendable album by them. Haha. Skull was one of my favorites of that year. Kinda waiting for a new record.

Thanks very much! Personally I thought Evile bit off more than they could chew with Infected Nations and Five Serpent's Teeth, and Skull was a big step in the right direction. More spontaneous and dynamic, and a lot more memorable. Like, 'Outsider' was a huge standout, I love that song. Anyway, thanks for reading!

You got me very interested in Seventh Circle, your description put me in the mind of Sarcofago and Shub-Niggurath, creepy atmospheric death-tinged goodness :drool:

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SweetLeaf95
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 856
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 9:20 pm 
 

Totally agree on Infected Nations, that's the weakest of the four. And good! It just dropped yesterday, quick and digestible but coarse listen!
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Thy Shrine
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2016 11:37 pm
Posts: 237
Location: Golgotha
PostPosted: Fri Dec 06, 2019 12:39 am 
 

Just read Akerfeldt_Fanboi's review for Immortals Pure Holocaust record, and it is just the most kiss-ass thing I've ever heard, he also has this obnoxious habit of simultaneously saying some somethings not that good, and then turning around and saying that's its absolutely perfect for the record.

And I couldn't help but laugh at the line: "The drummer does blast beats, but he does so much more than that."
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Zodijackyl
63 Axe Handles High

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 7442
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 1:22 am 
 

Why write a review if you're just going to admit you don't know what you're talking about when trying to describe the music?
https://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/ ... nds/491990
Quote:
The drums on this album, programmed by Hull himself, predate anything done by Rings of Saturn by about 5 years. And, boy... he REALLY took advantage of the fact that he had a machine at his disposal! The drum tracks are all cheezy unplayable blasts and snare rolls that I suppose could be imitated by a gravity blast, but I'm not even sure if a gravity blast had even been invented in 2003 (displaying my ignorance of metal history once again). I think I know why Agoraphobic Nosebleed doesn't do live performances - no drummer could play this shit exactly as it is in a live setting without trigger abuse that would, no doubt, magnify any rhythm deficiencies that would manifest themselves from trying to play at this speed naturally.

Obviously, the drum machine isn't meant to emulate a real drummer, given the whole cybergrind thing and the premise behind ANb. Gravity blasts existed in 2003. This band has also been performing live for years now, with a drum machine nonetheless. Perhaps the reviewer should've stopped to Google a few things before writing this...
Quote:
...and a bunch of other shit that I can't even describe...
...
I really don't know what else to say about them.

:ugh:
Quote:
Ah, at long last this band gets added to the Archives. I want to say that I've been waiting for them to be added, just so I can take a shit on them.
...
In case you wonder why this review is shittier than what I normally vomit out, I wrote it in all of one hour, so of course it's not nearly as polished or erudite as I could make it. However, I think that the quality of the review fits the subject matter that I'm dealing with quite well. I listen to a shitty album with no structure that flies right by me, I write a shitty review with no structure that flies right by the reader.

Been waiting how long to put almost no effort into a review?

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Xlxlx
Argentinian Asado Supremacy

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 8003
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 8:11 am 
 

I love, love, love that he's trying to pull off a "review as meta-commentary" thing (or at least, create the illusion that he's trying to do that) and just... really not succeeding at it.
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droneriot wrote:
The instruments used are what you would expect from the little metal people: guitaloos, bassnaps, drumdrums, and voclatrons. The best things about the guitaloos are obviously the riffraffs.

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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 9404
Location: St. Charles, Illinois
PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 10:23 am 
 

Yeah I get annoyed by people confusing triggers for programmed drums, which thankfully LoD does at least understand the difference between (this was a very common misconception in tech death's heyday in the late 2000s) but he does still make the common mistake of thinking that people utilizing programmed drums are trying to emulate an actual drummer. Sometimes yeah, sure, but a lot of times it's absolutely a conscious choice to push beyond those limits simply because they don't exist for a computer.

If you don't like that, then whatever, but it drives me mad when people act like it's a mistake.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 825
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2019 8:26 am 
 

Wow, so the 4 Portent reviews posted this week differ quite drastically. All seem to agree that no one needed a 16 minute song though.

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droneriot
incelgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
Posts: 9456
Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Mon Dec 09, 2019 5:53 pm 
 

Felix, I'd have loved to see you include the reason for the rating in your Abigor review, it reads like a very positive review that'd have me expect something around 90% reading it.
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Felix 1666
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2014 5:19 pm
Posts: 78
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2019 1:24 pm 
 

Droneriot, thanks for your appreciated comment. Probably you're right. There are two indications, the MOSTLY great compositions and the bridge to Verwüstung which also got "only" 80% from my side. But I agree that I should have made it more obvious.

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SweetLeaf95
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2014 1:19 am
Posts: 856
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:44 pm 
 

DMhead's Sacred Monster review is spot the fuck on. That album cracked my top 10 for the year.
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CHAIRTHROWER
Methed-burnt rogue babelfish

Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2015 7:10 pm
Posts: 543
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Thu Dec 12, 2019 11:45 pm 
 

Duly noted, big-time, regarding that leisurely genial review for Sacred Widundret, I mean Monster...

While I wouldn't ascribe top ten status to it for the year, pan-globally (all genres), am sure ready to slap it down as in my top "5" doom finds of 2019 (Finland's Craneuim is another...)

Also, welcome TheMeh -- rocking the reviews and (high) feed back (gain), that's what we're here for, are'nt we?

Check out this line pertaining to vox for a certain d-core outfit, something new to me, remotely/relatively:

The vocalist of this album, CJ McCreery, is an absolute beast. He has an amazing vocal range and uses many different vocal techniques. This includes high screams, mid growls, low growls, tunnel throats, gutturals, and even witch screams.

Cute, eh? What's tunnel throats, though?!

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