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Zelkiiro
Pounding the world with a fish of steel

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:30 pm
Posts: 6404
Location: Pennsylvania
PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:33 am 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... 95/Elveryn

How in the hell did this sneak by? Half of the review is posted lyrics, and the other half is "Go buy it now," with a thin-layered ooze of inadequate description in its ass crack.
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Woolie_Wool
Facets of Predictability

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2006 6:56 pm
Posts: 2115
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:47 am 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/R ... 73/Phunzem

The grammar here is so atrocious it looks like it was written in another language and run through Babelfish.
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marktheviktor
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2006 3:41 am
Posts: 6713
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 2:48 am 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... tickyshooZ



"I do take much more pleasure in listening to this over the tunes of the likes of other kvlter and tr00er bands"

The review should be nuked on the basis of that statement alone.
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japc
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2004 10:35 pm
Posts: 512
Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 7:56 am 
 
Poetry.
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IX Leviathan
Bepsi

Joined: Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:09 pm
Posts: 800
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 10:04 pm 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/M ... n%29/7269/

Barebones review right here. Musical description is limited. And then a bit of mini-ranting on how the band sold out into a Bal-Sagoth clone.
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always poor // never bored
dystopia4 wrote:
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Metal_Detector
Reticular Modular Unit

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:15 pm
Posts: 2082
Location: Forgotten in space
PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 7:34 pm 
 
Woolie_Wool wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Rage/Reflections_of_a_Shadow/2473/Phunzem

The grammar here is so atrocious it looks like it was written in another language and run through Babelfish.


Haha, awesome, I think this is the first time I made it on someone's signature. :)
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droneriot
incelgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
Posts: 8473
Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:11 pm 
 
All three reviews for Celestial Season's "Solar Lovers":

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/C ... vers/7046/

Top review: One retarded statement after the next.
Middle review: Really short, but with musical description and free of retarded statement's, so that one's fine by me.
Bottom review: Bad formatting, bad English, short again, AND retarded statements.
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oogboog
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Apr 17, 2011 5:09 pm
Posts: 908
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 5:30 pm 
 
droneriot wrote:
Top review: One retarded statement after the next.


And he even writes for another website. I can see why it's retarded, compared with the other reviews on the site.
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AcidWorm
Veteran

Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 11:37 pm
Posts: 3139
PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 6:50 pm 
 
Quote:
"Headless Children" is probably the first album which marked a more or less "new" direction for Wasp - while managing to keep the power and energy of previous releases, but this time around coupling it with more thoughtfull lyrics (although there are a couple of exceptions to the rule still to be found on here as well).

Basically everything about the album fits right into place - the songwriting - the production - the lyrics - everything shows a band which has matured with time - without losing any of it's essence (or fun for that matter) and establishes Lawless as an excellent songwriter / musician.

The highlights for me are without a doubt the titletrack, the energetic rocker "Mean Man" (love this one !! Great Chorus), the "Who" Cover "The Real Me" and the ballad "Forever Free" (one of the best Wasp will ever do).

Another jewel in Wasps crown as far as i'm concerned - and a preparation of what was to come with "The Crimson Idol" (which is the ultimate wasp album as far as i'm concerned) - must-have...


No musical description
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/W ... 141/Sinner
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MalignantThrone
Vanished in the Cosmic Futility

Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 1:24 am
Posts: 2789
Location: A step closer to home
PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:19 pm 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/B ... 02/caspian

Doesn't need deleting, but all the apostrophes are fucked up.
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Guitarpro77889 wrote:
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kingnuuuur
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:35 pm
Posts: 2311
PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 7:14 pm 
 
This page could use some cleanup. Most of the reviews, barring the ones by chaossphere and Sacraphobic, range from vague and unhelpful to annoying, nondescript, track-by-track balderdash with barely any analysis or substance, the epitome of which is Grindbastard's atrociously written piece.
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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3897
Location: a branch
PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 9:21 pm 
 
kingnuuuur wrote:
the epitome of which is Grindbastard's atrociously written piece.

pff .. no kidding:
Grindbastard wrote:
"WOLFLUST !!! Hell yeah dude!! What do you eat tell me ? This guy is possessed or what ?"
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kingnuuuur
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:35 pm
Posts: 2311
PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 6:42 am 
 
^ Yeah, that should give you a hint about something which most of these reviewers have in common.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/K ... dic_Spirit
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/K ... /Antikrist
Subpar writing, very minimal description of the music.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/K ... 8041/Snxke
Still minimal description of the music.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/K ... lackMinded
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/K ... ainbringer
Track-by-track, generic and poorly written.

And of course, the cream of the crop: http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/K ... indbastard
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GraveWish
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 7:49 am
Posts: 913
PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 3:25 pm 
 
Apparently most of the above reviews are submitted by "local" fan-boys.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/K ... 236/Trepas should probably get removed.
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IX Leviathan
Bepsi

Joined: Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:09 pm
Posts: 800
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 3:46 pm 
 
Yet another barebones one off of Quo Vadis' debut. Pretty awful all round ranging from grammar, to the fact that he doesn't mention anything else about the album other than the first three tracks.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Q ... 49/Helvete

This one sort of lies in a grey area I suppose in that its EP's only review, but it's a track by track and yet again, very barebones.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... /Vuurgeest
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dystopia4 wrote:
Like holy shit can't you get black out drunk and fist fight someone over a value pick burger in the drive thru and not hear about it for the rest of your life?
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Painkiller1349
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 1:45 pm
Posts: 172
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:02 am 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... 13/Villain

This one sucks pretty bad. No musical description at all.
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Grave_Wyrm wrote:
OzzyApu wrote:
couples were at the front talking to each other and cuddling - at a BEHEMOTH show!

Behemoth brings the snuggle.
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IX Leviathan
Bepsi

Joined: Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:09 pm
Posts: 800
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:57 pm 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/S ... 851/Largos

Another one here, Three paragraphs about how they're better than 'insert x melodeath band'. Then one paragraph of musical description where the reviewer pretty much just talks about the album's length.
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dystopia4 wrote:
Like holy shit can't you get black out drunk and fist fight someone over a value pick burger in the drive thru and not hear about it for the rest of your life?
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hey
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2008 6:41 pm
Posts: 1627
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:33 am 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/T ... alAttorney

The review doesn't really discuss the music very much besides mentioning that it's more melodic and catchy than other second wave of black metal bands and that there's a banjo solo.
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 7940
Location: Lifeless shadows
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:45 am 
 
Plus he's a moron. "The purists might hate the music too, being more melodic and catchy than your typical Second Wave type material." Yes, second wave black metal is known for being completely devoid of melodic elements and any emotivity. Purists hate that all that melody stuff, just like they (all) hate Gorgoroth, Burzum, Mayhem, Immortal, Enslaved, Emperor...

He calls Taake black metallers with manhood intact. What the fuck is his idea of black metal again, Alcest or some shitty Swedish band who only plays three adjacent minor chords? Taake is definitely very normal second wave style Norwegian black, only with some peculiarities like said banjo solo in Myr and that SPROING sound in one of the songs.
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Dave_o_rama
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2011 11:54 am
Posts: 549
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 11:09 am 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Funeral/.../ultraviolet

Only 3 short sentences of musical description here, and even they are as minimal as it gets.
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NWOAHM666
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:22 am
Posts: 9
Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 3:20 pm 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/F ... ral_Shadow

This review probably already belongs to the home furniture but it contains one major error: the song "Your Mistake" is actually an Agnostic Front cover and not a Madball cover as specified.

It also contains a couple of other writing issues (e.g. "despressive", "Dino Cazar").
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 10358
Location: Seattle
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 11:08 am 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/I ... 3/ncoyn002

This one's really not that good. Amazon style - "sounds like After, and then it's good music with harsh screams" is the extent of the short review.
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Zodijackyl
Definitely Proportionate

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 7402
Location: Longmont Potion Castle
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 3:38 pm 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/S ... lood/1960/
The three earliest reviews don't really say anything about the music, not much at all really. Example:

Quote:
Shadows Fall's second album Of One Blood is great. It's less death metal and more thrash than Somber Eyes To The Sky. This album is basically melodic death metal and has thrash influence. There is also an ocasional Iron Maiden type harmonized lead thrown in. The vocals are a lot better than on the last one(sorry Phil). The riffs on here are top notch melodic death riffs, it sounds like something that came out of Sweeden in 94. There is alot of emphasis on melody here, the most Shadows Fall Has ever had. The stand out part of this album is the lead guitar. Jon Donais is an amazing guitarist and really uses his abillity here. The production isn't the greatest, but it's nowhere near the Bob Rock treatment. Overall a great album with some great leads.


That's the whole review :lol:
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Metantoine
Big Beautiful Famgot

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 11764
Location: In the Rectory
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 3:45 pm 
 
Remnants of another time, indeed.
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 10358
Location: Seattle
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:53 am 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/M ... alAttorney

3 paragraphs with nothing to say. Basically says in the first paragraph what we already see (relating to the band page), stating the obvious about Motorhead's consistency, and then glosses over the actual album's content. Third paragraph is his shitty verdict that he always does, but it doesn't actually say anything about the album as much as it does about Lemmy living the rock and roll dream.

Unnecessary review (which FullMetalAttorney himself states in the review).

Kill FullMetalAttorney while you're at it.
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Yesterday was the birthday of school pal and I met the chick of my sigh (I've talked about here before, the she-wolf I use to be inlove with)... Maaan she was using a mini-skirt too damn insane... Dude you could saw her entire soul every time she sit...

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BastardHead
Worse than the PMRC

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 9162
Location: St. Charles, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:58 am 
 
There were maybe 17 total words used towards musical description. Utter trash.
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GuntherTheUndying
Crimson King, Eater of Worlds

Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:36 pm
Posts: 2702
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:58 am 
 
OzzyApu wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Ihsahn/Eremita/337033/ncoyn002

This one's really not that good. Amazon style - "sounds like After, and then it's good music with harsh screams" is the extent of the short review.

Gone.


NWOAHM666 wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Fear_Factory/Demanufacture/785/Funeral_Shadow

This review probably already belongs to the home furniture but it contains one major error: the song "Your Mistake" is actually an Agnostic Front cover and not a Madball cover as specified.

It also contains a couple of other writing issues (e.g. "despressive", "Dino Cazar").

Gone too.


hey wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Taake/Noregs_Vaapen/313967/FullMetalAttorney

The review doesn't really discuss the music very much besides mentioning that it's more melodic and catchy than other second wave of black metal bands and that there's a banjo solo.

Gone thrice.

Dave_o_rama wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Funeral/.../ultraviolet

Only 3 short sentences of musical description here, and even they are as minimal as it gets.

Gone fourice, or whatever comes after thrice.
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Ismetal wrote:
GuntherTheUndying IS THE GAY NUMBER 1, HE DOESNT LIKE TO READ THE TRUTH, SO I THINK THIS PAGE IS FOR GAYS WHO WANTS TO READ MESSAGES LIKE "I LOVE MY BAND", "THEY ARE MY LOVE"

Thrashpit
Last FM! - New Profile!

Last edited by GuntherTheUndying on Thu Jul 12, 2012 1:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Metantoine
Big Beautiful Famgot

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 11764
Location: In the Rectory
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 1:13 am 
 
If someone feels like checking all of FullMetalAttorney and post the bad ones here, I would be grateful!
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Metantoine, what does "fam" stand for, "familiar"? Like a witch's familiar?!...Have you been playing d & D again?...

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BastardHead
Worse than the PMRC

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 9162
Location: St. Charles, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 1:16 am 
 
Metantoine wrote:
If someone feels like checking all of FullMetalAttorney and post the bad ones here, I would be grateful!


Nobody should be subjected to that. Every review of his I can recall reading was atrocious.
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GuntherTheUndying
Crimson King, Eater of Worlds

Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:36 pm
Posts: 2702
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 1:18 am 
 
Yea, about 98% of his reviews are shit. But hey! You post 'em, we toast 'em.
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Ismetal wrote:
GuntherTheUndying IS THE GAY NUMBER 1, HE DOESNT LIKE TO READ THE TRUTH, SO I THINK THIS PAGE IS FOR GAYS WHO WANTS TO READ MESSAGES LIKE "I LOVE MY BAND", "THEY ARE MY LOVE"

Thrashpit
Last FM! - New Profile!
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Zodijackyl
Definitely Proportionate

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 7402
Location: Longmont Potion Castle
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 9:12 am 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/T ... alAttorney

Wahh! Nickelback, Hot Topic!
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 7940
Location: Lifeless shadows
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 9:49 am 
 
So, how about this review for a split that only reviews the other half?

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/N ... /Red_Beard
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GuntherTheUndying
Crimson King, Eater of Worlds

Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:36 pm
Posts: 2702
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 11:36 am 
 
Zodijackyl wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/The_Haunted/Unseen/296154/FullMetalAttorney

Wahh! Nickelback, Hot Topic!

I'd like more mod-input on this one. It's one of his better ones, methinks. :lol:

Ilwhyan wrote:
So, how about this review for a split that only reviews the other half?

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/N ... /Red_Beard

This is lost somewhere in the black abyss, never to be found again.
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Ismetal wrote:
GuntherTheUndying IS THE GAY NUMBER 1, HE DOESNT LIKE TO READ THE TRUTH, SO I THINK THIS PAGE IS FOR GAYS WHO WANTS TO READ MESSAGES LIKE "I LOVE MY BAND", "THEY ARE MY LOVE"

Thrashpit
Last FM! - New Profile!
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Zodijackyl
Definitely Proportionate

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 7402
Location: Longmont Potion Castle
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 12:55 pm 
 
GuntherTheUndying wrote:
Zodijackyl wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/The_Haunted/Unseen/296154/FullMetalAttorney

Wahh! Nickelback, Hot Topic!

I'd like more mod-input on this one. It's one of his better ones, methinks. :lol:


That's actually a completed one of the complaint forms about metal that came tucked in to Agalloch's box set.
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BastardHead
Worse than the PMRC

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 9162
Location: St. Charles, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 1:20 pm 
 
GuntherTheUndying wrote:
Zodijackyl wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/The_Haunted/Unseen/296154/FullMetalAttorney

Wahh! Nickelback, Hot Topic!

I'd like more mod-input on this one. It's one of his better ones, methinks. :lol:


Well it's short and kinda crappy but he backs up his point and describes the music well enough. Not very good, mind you, but not very nukeworthy either.
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The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 10358
Location: Seattle
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 1:36 pm 
 
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... alAttorney

This one flew under the radar based on the 3 sentences worth of musical description. First 2 sentences start off ok, the second paragraph pertains to the albums concept, and then he derails with specifics. It's as if he's never heard symphonic-type metal before. I don't even know what the hell he means by
Quote:
Picking up fast food which is "finger lickin' good" (I'm not even joking) is not exactly a dramatic event. After the mundane comes the banal, like E=mc2

What the fuck is he saying there?
Says it's an ambitious album, but besides calling it over-the-top power metal and the 1 sentence of his verdict, he isn't hitting anything else. That's a huge album to dissect in ways that the other reviewers for the album accomplish (varying levels of dissection).

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/B ... alAttorney
Half the review is garbage.
Quote:
So I have this really tight space between two of my upper right molars, and when I chew gum I usually get some of it stuck in there. I was chewing some Winterfresh gum for a while, and when it lost its flavor I spit it out.

Then I started munching on some "zen party" trail mix, which has rice crackers, sesame sticks, green peas, almonds, cashews, and wasabi peas. This was new to me, as I had never tried it before. It was kind of OK, but not great. There were some familiar flavors mixed together in a way that wasn't all that compelling. Then some of the gum stuck between my teeth got dislodged, and I tasted the mint with it. It wasn't horrible, but who wants minty, salty, wasabi crackers and nuts?

Are you wondering where I'm going with this?

The other half is one paragraph of genre / band dropping using this recipe concept (a butchered one), and then he goes into his shitty verdict. It's a nearly 50 minute album he glosses over with one paragraph.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... alAttorney
This one sucks. His first paragraph is basic Amon Amarth review material talking about their consistency. Nothing too terrible, but the second paragraph is a really bad track-by-track style commentary. I mean really bad, and really vague. That verdict he does at the end also added absolutely nothing.

This guy seriously needs to stick to his real job, but he's probably as mundane with that, too.

Also found his facebook page which, well, he looks different than what I expected.
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gomorro wrote:
Yesterday was the birthday of school pal and I met the chick of my sigh (I've talked about here before, the she-wolf I use to be inlove with)... Maaan she was using a mini-skirt too damn insane... Dude you could saw her entire soul every time she sit...

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Metantoine
Big Beautiful Famgot

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 11764
Location: In the Rectory
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 2:24 pm 
 
All nuked! Sorry Gunther, I read your comments after the nuking of his Haunted review :(

edit: forgot about the Amon Amarth review, nuked too!
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CHAIRTHROWER wrote:
Metantoine, what does "fam" stand for, "familiar"? Like a witch's familiar?!...Have you been playing d & D again?...

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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 10358
Location: Seattle
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 2:52 pm 
 
All nuked, but the Amon Amarth review stays? eeeek.
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gomorro wrote:
Yesterday was the birthday of school pal and I met the chick of my sigh (I've talked about here before, the she-wolf I use to be inlove with)... Maaan she was using a mini-skirt too damn insane... Dude you could saw her entire soul every time she sit...

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FullMetalAttorney
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:47 am
Posts: 21
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 4:14 pm 
 
I had no idea I had gotten so popular.

Hey, I'd say these are some of my weaker ones, by Metal Archives criteria:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... alAttorney
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/P ... alAttorney
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/V ... alAttorney
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/S ... alAttorney

I don't write them for MA, so I aim for a more colorful style. Hence, many of them don't really fit.

By the way, you might want to look at the reviews for this band: http://www.metal-archives.com/bands/Dark_End/103340
especially their most recent album: http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... _I/329687/

The style of all three reviews is very similar . . . anyway, they read like they were written by the same person, and that person has a stake in the band, especially when you consider the accounts that wrote them haven't written anything else (except one of them, who wrote one review for a different band in addition to several for that band).
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OzzyApu
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Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 10358
Location: Seattle
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 4:26 pm 
 
You have the power to smite your own work. You'd do us all a favor if you got rid of everything, actually.
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