Encyclopaedia Metallum: The Metal Archives

Message board

* FAQ    * Register   * Login 



Reply to topic
Author Message Previous topic | Next topic
caspian
Old Man Yells at Car Park

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
Posts: 6414
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 3:06 am 
 

man, that was possibly the most autistic thing I've ever read on MA, which is saying a fair bit really.

The main question is, can the Metal Archives survive writing as bad as the last paragraph of that MOP review?*


*not meaning to single out just that last paragraph, as they're all basically that bad
_________________
https://kybaliondoom.bandcamp.com/album/poisoned-ash big ugly death doom by and for big ugly dudes

https://strangercountry.bandcamp.com/al ... the-chebar new album! Power shoegaze? Dream-doom???

Top
 Profile  
hells_unicorn
Veteran

Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2005 8:32 pm
Posts: 3056
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 4:21 pm 
 

Zodijackyl wrote:
Yeah, but so is reviewing Master of Puppets. :(


Point taken, especially given the massive amount of reviews it already has on here. Personally I don't read reviews for anything that Metallica puts out anymore, I'm sick of a band that hasn't done anything worth listening to in decades hogging up all this attention.
_________________
My music:
Ominous Glory Spotify
Ominous Glory YouTube
Ominous Glory Facebook

My reviews.

R.I.P. Ronnie James Dio (July 14, 1942 - May 16, 2010)

Top
 Profile  
Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 5:07 pm 
 

In regards to "Revenge reviews:" calling other writers out by name and/or explicitly stating in the review that your score is artificially influenced by these outside factors ("I was going to give this an 80%, but I found that hells_unicorn was way too harsh, and he obviously has shit taste, so I'm giving it 100% now to balance the score!") are insta-reject.

Drummerboy25 came close at points, but his crappy positive review helps restore the balance unsettled by Napalm_Satan's crappy negative review, so let's all take a deep breath and move on.
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

Top
 Profile  
BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10857
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 5:12 pm 
 

Eh, I don't know. I only had time to read the first few sentences but even then it was an impossible to read trainwreck. I quickly scrolled through the rest and saw both "on to the review" and what I think was an instrument-by-instrument checklist. If that's what I got without even reading the entire thing to pick apart whatever else was wrong, plus the fact that it was a super explicit revenge review, I would have never let that one by.
_________________
Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEW: In Flames - Foregone
The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang
niix wrote:
the reason your grandmother has all those plastic sheets on her furniture is because she is probably a squirter

Top
 Profile  
Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 35177
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 6:26 pm 
 

Any review that has "Now, onto the review" in its second paragraph or further, needs to fucking trim it down and be more concise. I've probably done it myself in the past and I'm glad I learned better.
_________________
Cinema Freaks latest reviews: Black Roses
Fictional Works - if you hated my reviews over the years then pay me back by reviewing my own stuff
Official Website

Top
 Profile  
Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 7:00 pm 
 

Empyreal wrote:
Any review that has "Now, onto the review" in its second paragraph or further, needs to fucking trim it down and be more concise. I've probably done it myself in the past and I'm glad I learned better.


Haha, yes. A very accurate indicator of directionless blather.
_________________
nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

Top
 Profile  
~Guest 171512
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:18 am
Posts: 2099
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 7:14 pm 
 

I also hate reviews that start with, 'Ah, [band/album name].' Yes, I know the band and album you're talking about; that's why I'm here. Fucking get on with it.

Top
 Profile  
Lich Coldheart
Stares into the Void

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:44 pm
Posts: 985
Location: Romania
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 7:15 pm 
 

Diamhea wrote:
Empyreal wrote:
Any review that has "Now, onto the review" in its second paragraph or further, needs to fucking trim it down and be more concise. I've probably done it myself in the past and I'm glad I learned better.


Haha, yes. A very accurate indicator of directionless blather.


These statements actually make me feel a bit ashamed... :oh shit:
_________________
BastardHead wrote:
I will pay a dollar to have Lich's custom title changed to "Drools into the Toilet Bowl"
Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
I like keeping my sword wet, like a young girl in her prime.

Top
 Profile  
Dudemanguy
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2010 7:19 pm
Posts: 2449
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 7:35 pm 
 

It's all a matter of opinion of course, but I think statements along that line are fine in the right context. I know a lot of people here have expressed dislike for the introduction-body-conclusion type structure, but you do need some kind of introduction (and structure in general). Of course, this just depends on the band, but there are plenty of cases where talking about history or something can add meaningful information and context to the review. Nobody wants to hear that crap for Metallica or whatever, but it could be useful or at least interesting for a lesser known band. And of course, that would be a pretty logical way to introduce a band/album and then the next paragraph you might make an offhand "as for the music/album/review/whatever" as the dependent clause.

Edit: Slowpoke here, but I also just noticed TheStormItRide's review for the latest ningen-isu album. Nice job though; it pretty much covered everything I would have said.

Top
 Profile  
Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 35177
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 8:57 pm 
 

If you're talking about the band in general, that's fine. But a lot of reviewers who are new tend to ramble on about nothing and then "get to the review" later on, which is all I meant.
_________________
Cinema Freaks latest reviews: Black Roses
Fictional Works - if you hated my reviews over the years then pay me back by reviewing my own stuff
Official Website

Top
 Profile  
Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 9:58 pm 
 

Another peeve of mine is the lame, ironic usage of "Kvlt" "Trve" et al. in reviews. Here's a snippet from a review I'm looking at in the queue:

"...major chords and upbeat tremolo progressions layered over top, and a similar (though more irritating) vocal style. If you're TRVE KVLT, this is the exact sort of thing you'll deride as gay and toss aside so you can get back to your Burzum worship as soon as possible. For Deafheaven fans, this still might not cut it."

This is one of the quicker ways to piss me off as a reader. It isn't funny, it isn't endearing, I don't know what it is.

But I don't like it.

Top
 Profile  
~Guest 282118
Argentinian Asado Supremacy

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 8300
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 10:01 pm 
 

Is it a kluseba review?

Top
 Profile  
Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 35177
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 10:06 pm 
 

That kind of thing sucks because it makes the criticism about the fans, not the music - always a bad way to review or criticize art. Fans like all kinds of things for tons of different reasons.
_________________
Cinema Freaks latest reviews: Black Roses
Fictional Works - if you hated my reviews over the years then pay me back by reviewing my own stuff
Official Website

Top
 Profile  
hmi
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Dec 16, 2014 2:24 am
Posts: 365
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 3:37 am 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
Here I am. Please, launch your criticism right at the target, no holding back. I know this was not exactly my finest - I wrote it entirely for personal reasons, and posted it because I'm tired of keeping myself to myself anymore. It hurts.

I know putting it in a review wasn't the best way to go about it, but this is the only creative medium I possess that I am competent in.

And to the Judas Priest dude - naah, JP are awesome.


You could always start a livejournal for that? Seems like you like to write. You don't have to limit yourself to music reviews ya know.

On a side note, I think the style of let's dissect this to death and use smart words reviews really doesn't work with thrash. I mean I generally don't like them anyways, but c'mon.

A lot of the good reviewers from the mid 2000s were teenagers. I don't think any of them are active any more but I was always impressed to find out one of my favorite reviewers was just a kid in high school on the forum.

Top
 Profile  
hakarl
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 8816
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:16 am 
 

Empyreal wrote:
That kind of thing sucks because it makes the criticism about the fans, not the music - always a bad way to review or criticize art. Fans like all kinds of things for tons of different reasons.

Well said.

I don't think it's very offensive even when it's targeted at someone with my tastes, but of course it's tremendously condescending, and enough for me to stop reading. I find that good reviews establish a sort of sympathy between the author and the reader, and no matter how well you write, you'll piss it all away by doing that.
_________________
"A glimpse of light is all that it takes to illuminate the darkness."

Top
 Profile  
droneriot
cisgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
Posts: 10812
Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 9:17 am 
 

See, who cares about weird Master of Puppets reviews when people go around saying Beherit is a death metal band...
_________________
Spoiler: show
Clicking on spoiler tags in signatures means you seriously need a hobby.

https://conservativetentacles.bandcamp.com/

Top
 Profile  
Lychfowel
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 4:44 am
Posts: 10
Location: Norway
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 3:14 pm 
 

Someone simply needs to make an appointment with a psychologist. And I mean it in a friendly, helpful manner.

Top
 Profile  
Master_Of_Thrash
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Apr 20, 2015 1:57 pm
Posts: 2020
Location: Ceh, neh, deh
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 7:08 pm 
 

MikeyC's review for Sloth's "M-A NOT Accurate..." is actually so fucking funny. I've read it numerous times before, but the new review for one of Sloth's new singles got me to read Mikey's review again. It doesn't describe the music sufficiently, though. Should be deleted :lol: :-D.
_________________
John_Sunlight wrote:
Please don't think I'm a generic Zimbabwean but I think using toasters to make toast is just tops.

Top
 Profile  
MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 14211
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 8:29 pm 
 

Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
MikeyC's review for Sloth's "M-A NOT Accurate..." is actually so fucking funny. I've read it numerous times before, but the new review for one of Sloth's new singles got me to read Mikey's review again. It doesn't describe the music sufficiently, though. Should be deleted :lol: :-D.

There's really no music to describe, though, haha. Glad you like it - you might be the first one! :D
_________________
ZarathustraHead wrote:
That person is me. ZarathustraHead.

ZarathustraHead wrote:
You can find me listening to the good, real shit. The real good shit. I'll be here.

Top
 Profile  
Lich Coldheart
Stares into the Void

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:44 pm
Posts: 985
Location: Romania
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 8:33 pm 
 

Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
MikeyC's review for Sloth's "M-A NOT Accurate..." is actually so fucking funny. I've read it numerous times before, but the new review for one of Sloth's new singles got me to read Mikey's review again. It doesn't describe the music sufficiently, though. Should be deleted :lol: :-D.

If a certain review makes you want to read another review, then the latter one must be truly good (or better, at least). Congrats, Mikey. :thumbsup:
_________________
BastardHead wrote:
I will pay a dollar to have Lich's custom title changed to "Drools into the Toilet Bowl"
Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
I like keeping my sword wet, like a young girl in her prime.

Top
 Profile  
Master_Of_Thrash
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Apr 20, 2015 1:57 pm
Posts: 2020
Location: Ceh, neh, deh
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 9:03 pm 
 

MikeyC wrote:
Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
MikeyC's review for Sloth's "M-A NOT Accurate..." is actually so fucking funny. I've read it numerous times before, but the new review for one of Sloth's new singles got me to read Mikey's review again. It doesn't describe the music sufficiently, though. Should be deleted :lol: :-D.

There's really no music to describe, though, haha. Glad you like it - you might be the first one! :D

I was just trolling you, man. Just like Sloth trolled you :-D.
_________________
John_Sunlight wrote:
Please don't think I'm a generic Zimbabwean but I think using toasters to make toast is just tops.

Top
 Profile  
TheStormIRide
Certified Poser

Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:45 pm
Posts: 1842
Location: Brazildonesia
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 10:54 pm 
 

Dudemanguy wrote:
Edit: Slowpoke here, but I also just noticed TheStormItRide's review for the latest ningen-isu album. Nice job though; it pretty much covered everything I would have said.


Thanks! I have no idea how they keep it up, but man those guys can write some killer music. And I just read that Kenichi Suzuki recently left his longtime job to completely focus on the band!
_________________
POZERKILLER wrote:
damn I think ive already heard everything

Top
 Profile  
Dudemanguy
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2010 7:19 pm
Posts: 2449
PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 11:11 pm 
 

Yeah, I can't believe for decades he was working a dayjob while releasing quality after quality album. Absolutely brilliant.

Top
 Profile  
Tlacaxipehualiztli
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 3:03 pm
Posts: 111
Location: Poland
PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 2:48 am 
 

Even if it's 688474884678478 Reign in Blood review I have ever seen, Felix 1666 did a really good work. Interesting, something different this time.

Top
 Profile  
TheStormIRide
Certified Poser

Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:45 pm
Posts: 1842
Location: Brazildonesia
PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 8:28 pm 
 

Tlacaxipehualiztli wrote:
Even if it's 688474884678478 Reign in Blood review I have ever seen, Felix 1666 did a really good work. Interesting, something different this time.


Felix has really had a string of solid reviews. Even one I've read of his has been a decent read at worst.
_________________
POZERKILLER wrote:
damn I think ive already heard everything

Top
 Profile  
MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 14211
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 8:34 pm 
 

I mentioned it ages ago, but I agree that Felix 1666 is a very good reviewer, no matter what he's tackling. Keep up the good work! :thumbsup:
_________________
ZarathustraHead wrote:
That person is me. ZarathustraHead.

ZarathustraHead wrote:
You can find me listening to the good, real shit. The real good shit. I'll be here.

Top
 Profile  
BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10857
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 10:34 pm 
 

He's really sorta the "model" reviewer, I say. He stands out for being consistently readable, succinct, and well informed. I'm prone to the grandstanding and histrionics as much as any of the more visible writers, but he's the kind of guy that I think I speak for all mods in saying that we'd truly like more of.
_________________
Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEW: In Flames - Foregone
The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang
niix wrote:
the reason your grandmother has all those plastic sheets on her furniture is because she is probably a squirter

Top
 Profile  
~Guest 171512
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:18 am
Posts: 2099
PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 10:56 pm 
 

Even though he wrote a lot of bad reviews, I wish all of UltraBoris's writings were still on the Archives, partly because there are albums he praises in other reviews that don't have any reviews by him themselves, and I'm sure they must once have. 'Painkiller' especially glaringly stands out. Man, he was a fun reviewer.

Top
 Profile  
Felix 1666
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2014 5:19 pm
Posts: 121
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 2:29 am 
 

Of course, it is always nice to get positive feedback, but this time I am overwhelmed. "Model" reviewer, that's really a huge compliment - and it is a good motivation to go on. Nevertheless, I think there are a lot of great reviewers that deserve this title as well.

Thanks for all the comments.

I have the feeling that 500 reviews are still not enough.

Top
 Profile  
Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3812
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 10:46 am 
 

Excellent review as ever Felix, a fitting tribute to 'the heaviest of them all'. Keep it up! :thumbsup:
_________________
All we love, we leave behind.

Top
 Profile  
Lich Coldheart
Stares into the Void

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:44 pm
Posts: 985
Location: Romania
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 10:53 am 
 

I have to agree that Felix wrote an excellent Reign in Blood review.

And it looks like Reign in Blood will soon catch up with Time I. :lol:
_________________
BastardHead wrote:
I will pay a dollar to have Lich's custom title changed to "Drools into the Toilet Bowl"
Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
I like keeping my sword wet, like a young girl in her prime.

Top
 Profile  
Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3812
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 10:54 am 
 

Good, that album deserves to be the most notorious on the archives, not that Wintersun pap.
_________________
All we love, we leave behind.

Top
 Profile  
Lich Coldheart
Stares into the Void

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:44 pm
Posts: 985
Location: Romania
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 11:10 am 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
Good, that album deserves to be the most notorious on the archives, not that Wintersun pap.


Nothing will ever dethrone Penis Metal, Napalm. :wink:
Not even the mighty Reign in Blood. It may dethrone Time I but it will never be the most notorious.
_________________
BastardHead wrote:
I will pay a dollar to have Lich's custom title changed to "Drools into the Toilet Bowl"
Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
I like keeping my sword wet, like a young girl in her prime.

Top
 Profile  
Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3812
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 11:12 am 
 

Oh shit, almost forgot about the almighty Penis Metal. That dick of an album clearly deserves its spot as the most stroked- I mean reviewed album on the archives.
_________________
All we love, we leave behind.

Top
 Profile  
Lich Coldheart
Stares into the Void

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:44 pm
Posts: 985
Location: Romania
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 11:25 am 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
Oh shit, almost forgot about the almighty Penis Metal. That dick of an album clearly deserves its spot as the most stroked- I mean reviewed album on the archives.

:lol:

Yeah, Penis Metal deserves all the attention it gets. Despite the infinite stupidness of the lyrics, I genuinely like that goatzilla dick of an album.
_________________
BastardHead wrote:
I will pay a dollar to have Lich's custom title changed to "Drools into the Toilet Bowl"
Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
I like keeping my sword wet, like a young girl in her prime.

Top
 Profile  
Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3812
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 11:30 am 
 

It is blasting 'war metal' about the phallus, an ode to the most metal object of them all. The impact it has on the body is far greater than its length would suggest due to its vicious banging-inducing nature.
_________________
All we love, we leave behind.

Top
 Profile  
Lich Coldheart
Stares into the Void

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:44 pm
Posts: 985
Location: Romania
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 11:39 am 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
It is blasting 'war metal' about the phallus, an ode to the most metal object of them all. The impact it has on the body is far greater than its length would suggest due to its vicious banging-inducing nature.

Wow, that's such an accurate description of the EP. :eek: I don't remember reading those lines in your review, perhaps you should update it?
_________________
BastardHead wrote:
I will pay a dollar to have Lich's custom title changed to "Drools into the Toilet Bowl"
Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
I like keeping my sword wet, like a young girl in her prime.

Top
 Profile  
Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3812
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 11:52 am 
 

That's actually a good idea. Considering I've already substantially edited one of my reviews, what's another one right?

EDIT: It is kind of in there, just worded a bit differently across two sentences. No matter!
_________________
All we love, we leave behind.

Top
 Profile  
Lich Coldheart
Stares into the Void

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:44 pm
Posts: 985
Location: Romania
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 1:49 pm 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
That's actually a good idea. Considering I've already substantially edited one of my reviews, what's another one right?


Just read it. Your edited MoP review is readable, even a nice read I could say. It feels like reading a novel and represents the opposite of everything I think about MoP but, in the end, it's a good review. :thumbsup:
_________________
BastardHead wrote:
I will pay a dollar to have Lich's custom title changed to "Drools into the Toilet Bowl"
Master_Of_Thrash wrote:
I like keeping my sword wet, like a young girl in her prime.

Top
 Profile  
Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3812
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 1:54 pm 
 

Well, that's a start. I don't intend to edit it any further; I just removed that ridiculous (but personally life-affirming) rambling at the end.
_________________
All we love, we leave behind.

Top
 Profile  
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic Go to page Previous  1 ... 258, 259, 260, 261, 262, 263, 264 ... 520  Next


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

  Print view
Jump to:  

Back to the Encyclopaedia Metallum


Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group