"keeping your ears on your toes" - completely lost it at that

I nominate Babbette Baboon for Scribe.

Please tell me he's talking about an album that isn't even groove metal.

Also, "crimilaly".

Aw shit I cut that part out, IT'S BEEN A WHILE OKAY.

It's for The Law by Exhorder.

Oh I was pretty sure it was Cowboys from Hell prior to reading this post.

I think we should scribe The Metal Evening Standard.

At least he's described the music a little this time.

Personally, I love this guy's reviews. They're hilarious.

A little better meter and formatting, and what more could you ask for?

This is like if somebody's ten year old brother tried to recreate the_navy_blue_vicar's legendary Dopesmoker review. I'd accept this nonsense in a heartbeat if the rules were looser.

The entirely contextless "IGGY POP WITH HIS HEAD IN AN OVEN" cracks me up like you have no idea. Every time I stare at that sentence I just start guffawing like an imbecile.

"OPINIONS VARY" at the end is also stupidly hilarious.

I really, really, really hope one day this guy writes something in this exact way but has enough musical description for it to be accepted. I'd gladly read this guy's take on any metal album, replete with statements like "IGGY POP WITH HIS HEAD IN AN OVEN."

"Iggy Pop with his head in an oven" What the actual fuck mate.

I just figured he was describing the vocals, man. I'm ALMOST tempted to listen, just to find out.

Actually this was so badly-written that I wasn't able to tell what was the argument for each line, this one in particular.

What the hell are you talking about? This is clearly the best review on this site!

I just discovered this thread and I have never laughed so hard in my life after reading some of these. This is awesome, Best topic on the site! Now I'm almost tempted to write something in, say, Hrvatskan or Czech and use google translate on it just to see how it reads. (However, unlike most of the reviewers quoted in here, I would have enough sense not to actually submit it!)

Well, humour is one of the most positive and outstanding qualities of human beings, so enjoy! I know I do.

Today's casualties:

Looks like they mistook reviews with Youtube comment sections.

"I only listened to one of the songs and I didn't like it. Let's write a 'review' about the album"

What kinda logic is that?!

I was thinking more Amazon reviews myself.

Makes me wonder if anyone has submitted variations of "Album arrived in good condition. Thanks." Even worse have to be the tons of "shit sandwhich" reviews that must have been rejected through the years.

Funnily enough, the reviews that hooked me into contributing regularly to this site were posted on Amazon before I thought of putting them here. Most of them were accepted straight away.

Looking at my review archive, the last bunch of reviews I did were for that April Fools thing where every review was accepted.

The very last one was a review for The Descent of Man by Sabazius. It read, in its entirety, "tl;dl"

Wat...

He/she actually started up with an interesting subject, but it just fell downhill in an absolute laughable way, what a shame

A for effort?

If your review is essentially "see the review below" why even write it? It would be better if he addressed the review and worked it into a conversation about the album but instead he pretty much just said, 'I didn't even need to write anything today'.

To think this has been on the Archive 14 years. Lordy.

Pretty much not beautyful.

He spelled bootyful wrong. For shame.

Hey, who hasn't heard a "total silent song" yet?

I could forgive "beautyful" if it happened once, because it's a pretty common typo. But 3+ times?! Jesus Christ, dude!