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DecemberSoul
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:46 am
Posts: 939
Location: Switzerland
PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2018 8:41 am 
 

"keeping your ears on your toes" - completely lost it at that :lol:
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EzraBlumenfeld
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2017 12:50 pm
Posts: 285
Location: Land of No Return
PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2018 12:40 pm 
 

I nominate Babbette Baboon for Scribe.
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MisanthropicEvil wrote:
This album reeled me in with it's eye-catching album cover but vomited a whole load of musical diarrhea in my face as soon as I started listening! I would not even use this album to wipe my butt.


Last.fm
Listen to my band's new album!

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BastardHead
Worse than the PMRC

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 9248
Location: St. Charles, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2018 8:52 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
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Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEWS: White Ward - Love Exchange Failure, False - Portent, Kryptos - Afterburner
The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang
VOTING IS NOW OPEN FOR ENCYCLOPAEDIA METALLUM ALBUM OF THE YEAR 2019

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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 8225
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2018 9:21 pm 
 

Please tell me he's talking about an album that isn't even groove metal.

Also, "crimilaly".
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Earthcubed wrote:
I'm just perpetually annoyed by Sean William Scott and he's never been in a movie where I wasn't rooting for his head to sever by strange means.

Blacksoul Seraphim Gothic Doom Metal
Autumn's Ashes Melodic Death/Doom Metal

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BastardHead
Worse than the PMRC

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 9248
Location: St. Charles, Illinois
PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2018 10:10 pm 
 

Aw shit I cut that part out, IT'S BEEN A WHILE OKAY.

It's for The Law by Exhorder.
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Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEWS: White Ward - Love Exchange Failure, False - Portent, Kryptos - Afterburner
The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang
VOTING IS NOW OPEN FOR ENCYCLOPAEDIA METALLUM ALBUM OF THE YEAR 2019

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Andreas_Hansen
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2014 11:44 am
Posts: 316
Location: Anywhere in the Galaxy
PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2018 9:39 am 
 

BastardHead wrote:
It's for The Law by Exhorder.


Oh I was pretty sure it was Cowboys from Hell prior to reading this post.
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BastardHead wrote:
Two things that will instantly derail any forum thread without fail: 1) Discussing how tall you are, and 2) the origin of your username.

Tunes of Steel - Reviews and writing stuff website. Latest: Paradox - Pangea
Metalhertz, French Youtube radio channel

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BastardHead
Worse than the PMRC

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 9248
Location: St. Charles, Illinois
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 2:13 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
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Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEWS: White Ward - Love Exchange Failure, False - Portent, Kryptos - Afterburner
The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang
VOTING IS NOW OPEN FOR ENCYCLOPAEDIA METALLUM ALBUM OF THE YEAR 2019

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Lolpah
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2017 9:32 pm
Posts: 57
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 4:48 pm 
 

I think we should scribe The Metal Evening Standard.

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Deathdoom1992
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat May 07, 2016 9:19 am
Posts: 353
Location: Wallowing in a sea of sorrow.
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 5:12 pm 
 

At least he's described the music a little this time.

Personally, I love this guy's reviews. They're hilarious.

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Bates
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 11:28 pm
Posts: 79
Location: South Sound, WA
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 10:44 pm 
 

A little better meter and formatting, and what more could you ask for?
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Last.fm
Acrobat wrote:
I dunno, I'm a guitarist and it always feels like playing a giant cock... good music hits you HARD in the GENITALS.

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BastardHead
Worse than the PMRC

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 9248
Location: St. Charles, Illinois
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 11:49 pm 
 

This is like if somebody's ten year old brother tried to recreate the_navy_blue_vicar's legendary Dopesmoker review. I'd accept this nonsense in a heartbeat if the rules were looser.
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Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEWS: White Ward - Love Exchange Failure, False - Portent, Kryptos - Afterburner
The Outer RIM - Uatism: The dogs bark in street slang
VOTING IS NOW OPEN FOR ENCYCLOPAEDIA METALLUM ALBUM OF THE YEAR 2019

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Xlxlx
Argentinian Asado Supremacy

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 7984
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2018 1:50 am 
 

The entirely contextless "IGGY POP WITH HIS HEAD IN AN OVEN" cracks me up like you have no idea. Every time I stare at that sentence I just start guffawing like an imbecile.

"OPINIONS VARY" at the end is also stupidly hilarious.
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droneriot wrote:
The instruments used are what you would expect from the little metal people: guitaloos, bassnaps, drumdrums, and voclatrons. The best things about the guitaloos are obviously the riffraffs.

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Deathdoom1992
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat May 07, 2016 9:19 am
Posts: 353
Location: Wallowing in a sea of sorrow.
PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2018 8:25 am 
 

I really, really, really hope one day this guy writes something in this exact way but has enough musical description for it to be accepted. I'd gladly read this guy's take on any metal album, replete with statements like "IGGY POP WITH HIS HEAD IN AN OVEN."

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Andreas_Hansen
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2014 11:44 am
Posts: 316
Location: Anywhere in the Galaxy
PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2018 12:48 pm 
 

"Iggy Pop with his head in an oven" What the actual fuck mate.
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BastardHead wrote:
Two things that will instantly derail any forum thread without fail: 1) Discussing how tall you are, and 2) the origin of your username.

Tunes of Steel - Reviews and writing stuff website. Latest: Paradox - Pangea
Metalhertz, French Youtube radio channel

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Bates
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 11:28 pm
Posts: 79
Location: South Sound, WA
PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2018 10:34 pm 
 

I just figured he was describing the vocals, man. I'm ALMOST tempted to listen, just to find out.
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Last.fm
Acrobat wrote:
I dunno, I'm a guitarist and it always feels like playing a giant cock... good music hits you HARD in the GENITALS.

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Andreas_Hansen
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2014 11:44 am
Posts: 316
Location: Anywhere in the Galaxy
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2018 11:53 am 
 

Bates wrote:
I just figured he was describing the vocals, man. I'm ALMOST tempted to listen, just to find out.


Actually this was so badly-written that I wasn't able to tell what was the argument for each line, this one in particular.
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BastardHead wrote:
Two things that will instantly derail any forum thread without fail: 1) Discussing how tall you are, and 2) the origin of your username.

Tunes of Steel - Reviews and writing stuff website. Latest: Paradox - Pangea
Metalhertz, French Youtube radio channel

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Xlxlx
Argentinian Asado Supremacy

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 7984
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2018 1:32 pm 
 

What the hell are you talking about? This is clearly the best review on this site!
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droneriot wrote:
The instruments used are what you would expect from the little metal people: guitaloos, bassnaps, drumdrums, and voclatrons. The best things about the guitaloos are obviously the riffraffs.

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Oxenkiller
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:42 am
Posts: 2422
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 8:12 pm 
 

I just discovered this thread and I have never laughed so hard in my life after reading some of these. This is awesome, Best topic on the site! Now I'm almost tempted to write something in, say, Hrvatskan or Czech and use google translate on it just to see how it reads. (However, unlike most of the reviewers quoted in here, I would have enough sense not to actually submit it!)

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DecemberSoul
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:46 am
Posts: 939
Location: Switzerland
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2018 6:41 am 
 

Oxenkiller wrote:
I just discovered this thread and I have never laughed so hard in my life after reading some of these. This is awesome, Best topic on the site! Now I'm almost tempted to write something in, say, Hrvatskan or Czech and use google translate on it just to see how it reads. (However, unlike most of the reviewers quoted in here, I would have enough sense not to actually submit it!)
:-D Well, humour is one of the most positive and outstanding qualities of human beings, so enjoy! I know I do.
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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5511
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:13 pm 
 

Today's casualties:

Spoiler: show
Image


Spoiler: show
Image


Spoiler: show
Image


Spoiler: show
Image
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R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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Andreas_Hansen
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2014 11:44 am
Posts: 316
Location: Anywhere in the Galaxy
PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 1:35 pm 
 

Looks like they mistook reviews with Youtube comment sections.
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BastardHead wrote:
Two things that will instantly derail any forum thread without fail: 1) Discussing how tall you are, and 2) the origin of your username.

Tunes of Steel - Reviews and writing stuff website. Latest: Paradox - Pangea
Metalhertz, French Youtube radio channel

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PaganiusI
Zee Bombelecher

Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:49 pm
Posts: 1096
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 2:07 pm 
 

"I only listened to one of the songs and I didn't like it. Let's write a 'review' about the album"

What kinda logic is that?!
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Twisted_Psychology
Metal freak

Joined: Sat May 16, 2009 8:22 pm
Posts: 4748
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:51 pm 
 

Andreas_Hansen wrote:
Looks like they mistook reviews with Youtube comment sections.


I was thinking more Amazon reviews myself.
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Cat III
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:44 am
Posts: 288
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 11:54 pm 
 

Twisted_Psychology wrote:
I was thinking more Amazon reviews myself.

Makes me wonder if anyone has submitted variations of "Album arrived in good condition. Thanks." Even worse have to be the tons of "shit sandwhich" reviews that must have been rejected through the years.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 725
Location: Behind the wall of fire
PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2018 9:10 am 
 

Twisted_Psychology wrote:
I was thinking more Amazon reviews myself.


Funnily enough, the reviews that hooked me into contributing regularly to this site were posted on Amazon before I thought of putting them here. Most of them were accepted straight away.

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Goatfangs
58.2% Metal

Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2008 5:02 pm
Posts: 2614
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2018 7:38 pm 
 

Looking at my review archive, the last bunch of reviews I did were for that April Fools thing where every review was accepted.

The very last one was a review for The Descent of Man by Sabazius. It read, in its entirety, "tl;dl"
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In defiance of Christofascists

And they'll tell you black is really white - The moon is just the sun at night - And when you walk in golden halls - You get to keep the gold that falls - It's Heaven and Hell
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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5511
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2018 3:45 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image

Wat...
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R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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MDL
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Sep 11, 2014 2:12 pm
Posts: 366
Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2018 4:00 pm 
 

He/she actually started up with an interesting subject, but it just fell downhill in an absolute laughable way, what a shame

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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5511
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2018 11:25 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5511
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2018 10:30 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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PaganiusI
Zee Bombelecher

Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:49 pm
Posts: 1096
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2018 10:32 am 
 

Derigin wrote:
Spoiler: show
Image


A for effort?
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!Low-Life Arrogance!
~Feel free to visit: Blog - Heavy Metal Rarities - Last.FM - Shop~
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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5511
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Jul 03, 2018 2:14 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5511
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:42 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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Five_Nails
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:34 pm
Posts: 551
PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:39 am 
 

Derigin wrote:
Spoiler: show
Image



If your review is essentially "see the review below" why even write it? It would be better if he addressed the review and worked it into a conversation about the album but instead he pretty much just said, 'I didn't even need to write anything today'.
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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5511
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2018 11:58 am 
 

Image
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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Derigin
The Mountain Man

Joined: Sun Jan 01, 2006 6:25 am
Posts: 5511
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2018 8:13 pm 
 

To think this has been on the Archive 14 years. Lordy.

Image
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R.I.P. Diamhea 1987-2018
Live young, die free. Gone, but not forgotten.

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Andreas_Hansen
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Feb 16, 2014 11:44 am
Posts: 316
Location: Anywhere in the Galaxy
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2018 3:55 pm 
 

Pretty much not beautyful.
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BastardHead wrote:
Two things that will instantly derail any forum thread without fail: 1) Discussing how tall you are, and 2) the origin of your username.

Tunes of Steel - Reviews and writing stuff website. Latest: Paradox - Pangea
Metalhertz, French Youtube radio channel

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Twisted_Psychology
Metal freak

Joined: Sat May 16, 2009 8:22 pm
Posts: 4748
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2018 9:08 am 
 

He spelled bootyful wrong. For shame.
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DecemberSoul
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 9:46 am
Posts: 939
Location: Switzerland
PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 7:35 am 
 

Hey, who hasn't heard a "total silent song" yet? :-D
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Zelkiiro
Pounding the world with a fish of steel

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:30 pm
Posts: 6469
Location: Pennsylvania
PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 11:38 am 
 

I could forgive "beautyful" if it happened once, because it's a pretty common typo. But 3+ times?! Jesus Christ, dude!
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