Anyone else have a problem with running out of steam halfway through their reviews? I'm trying to write a review right now but I spend an absolutely silly amount of time describing the music and by the time I'm halfway through the music description it feels like I'm taking forever. I haven't even described the vocals yet--just the basic composition and the production. I don't want to sound like I got all my witty observations in early and just phone in the rest.

Speaking for myself, there is such a thing as going overboard with the description, particularly if you are getting well over the 1,400 words mark, if you find yourself getting too engrossed in describing one element or you are devoting a 4-5 sentence paragraph just on the basic composition, you're overdoing it and will likely be repeating yourself using slightly different wording. I try to keep my reviews down to 1,000 words or less and try to touch the basic elements without getting too heavy into breaking down individual songs.

Was this done just for Nausikaa's descriptive titles?

I'm also in favour of the shorter, centred, style. I'm glad it's back.

So I reviewed my buddy's band Sadomagickal Seducer earlier today and I do what I usually do, post it on my blog Facebook page. I kinda forgot it has a dick on the cover, it's not the focus but it's there so my blog page is blocked and also my Instagram hahaha, I think it lasts 24 hours... OH NO A PENIS!

I'm done with the challenge now, published one last one for Witching Hour since it was a really surprising album. I'm happy with what I did, some cool stuff I wanted to tackle, no singles, no best ofs and no shit bands.

I just write whenever I feel inspired to do so. Having that said, it is a bit of annoyance having all these half written reviews of bands like Runemagick, Vulcano, Sepultura, Sentenced ect around that still need to get finished at one point.

Simply want to make amends with Zelkiiro as life's too short for petty contrivances...so I'm sorry I went overboard sardonick-wise earlier...I normally take things in stride but this time I realize I played a bigger, as in excessive and uncalled-for, part this time around.

On a technical note, I've rectified certain punctuation excesses but that's the thing: without tripping albeit timely punctuation, it'd even that much more to encapsulate in order to make sense of it all!

Meh. The whole weeb thing gets on my nerves real fast. I spend all the time I spend on MAL yelling at weebs because those fuckers are as dumb as rocks.

Let's (duly) bury the hatchet. I was "ornery" - not the kind of word spoken aloud, mind - most of last week due to scurrilous, inconsiderate SRO neighbors...but am better now!

Metal Regards and Wanton Devil-Horns...

Props to Nick Caveman for that review of Gore Obsessed. I've not listened to that album but seeing a Cannibal Corpse review that doesn't state that all of their albums are the same is goddamned sorcery!

Twisted_Psychology, 'Going to Brazil' is not rockabilly. It's just rock 'n' roll.

Just celebratory-ly (is that even a possible ad-verb?!) gleaned Marco's Eternal Champyon review...good stuff, man! You reached in the 'ol gullet and snatched those hyperventilating albeit sagacious werds directly out of my ever-l*vin' maw...

As with Detroit's D-Bitch, am now, more than ever, itchin' n' twitchin' to throw my three cents in (duly agree with 93% as well - just the mark I'd (and will!) ascribe to it.)
Notably dug the following, towards the end of his rather appropriately long-winded write-up:

[...Since the release of Eternal Champion’s debut, they’ve been propelled into a spotlight that reaches far beyond a typical US power or epic heavy metal band. They are ambassadors for the genre and for this I cannot thank them enough. I’ve used Eternal Champion as a reference point for getting people into bands like Manilla Road or USPM countless times now. The Armor of Ire has made people a lot more excited and willing to try out my favorite micro-genres. This revitalization of interest in turn has made it so much easier to share my passions with you all and that to me is awesome!]

+ his too-true denouement:

[Eternal Champion live up to their name – they’ve created something that is timeless. The Armor of Ire is a powerful, but new age testament to the past that has cemented Eternal Champion’s place as torchbearers of the new generation. I’m still not over just how well packaged this album truly is, time and time again I’ve revisited it and the magic is still there. The Armor of Ire is a modern classic and I do not use that term lightly.]

Ah, a much-anticipated sophtmore can't arrive soon enough (suffice to say, EC has bigger/more ballz than Godzilla - or Satanzilla, for that matter!

p.s. thanks to stainedclass 95 for judiciously compelling me to taper my Blood Curse review i.e. hyped up score as well as content. (Down to a reasonable 93% as opposed to a over-blown 95%...)
I also apologize for those who may have suffered through my initial mind-wedgieing, road-to-nowhere edit!

Yes, it is, but it would be spelled celebratorily.

Beautiful write-up of March Or Die, Chris! I've never heard that record described so perfectly in my life.

Firepower as a groove metal album? I mean, Lone Wolf is in that style but the entire album?

I mean if you really want to be nitpicky, Vulgar, Driven and Trendkill had plenty of fast moments that get called death metal....

Firepower is more slow than fast but nothing is really slow enough to be doom. Definitely more of a groove feeling throughout than doom there.

It's a heavy metal album of the same general style they've been making since the 80s - no need to over-classify things.

By who?

People. I've had one friend of a friend say that they'd like Far Beyond Driven more if it was done by a death metal band.



Why not? Everyone else likes putting sounds that don't belong together and giving it a stupid sub-genre name.

But in all seriousness, riff wise and vocal wise this is more or less true, which incidentally is where most proper groove albums fail miserably. But drum-wise Priest albums of the 80s were much more uptempo and the rhythms resembled AC/DC more than 5 Minutes Alone.

It's not really a demand for Firepower to be called groove metal, just a humorous observation.

You must hang out in weird circles if you've heard Pantera referred to as death metal often enough to consider the opinion anything other than crazy. I've definitely heard Slayer, Sepultura, Sodom and similar bands labeled death metal, which is understandable, even defensible, but calling Pantera DM seems closer to referring to everything with harsh vocals as screamo. Admittedly I haven't listened to Pantera in awhile so maybe I'm forgetting something.

I find calling Firepower a groove metal album baffling as well.

TrooperEd hangs around people who don't know shit about metal?

Colour me surprised.

TrooperEd is the fucking Dynast-King of Fire Takes, I swear. Guess he had to herald his return with something patently absurd.

Just trying to stick with my strengths.

Wizened, fist-pumping, sooper celeritous hails to Trooper_E for overcoming his initial reservations (and/or bugaboo[z]) concerning JP's Firepower...If I remember correctly, he/you wished to avoid all the cerebral hoopla/baleyhoo regarding its (exalted) release...Entertaining review, no-how, notably this quirk-driven part:

"Speaking of Specter, that's probably the highlight of this damn thing. That riff kicking in is what most scholars would classify as an INSTANT CRANK UP HEAD FUCK. Furniture, stuffed animals and waifus be very afraid when you hear this modern classic monster rolling through your neighborhood."

&:

"Then again, the first two songs mentioned in this paragraph would be fine car commercials too (with perhaps one or two customers even demanding to take the companies entire stock whilst hazy from heat stroke)."

I dare say/ask, what type/kind of vehicle are we talking about here? Not a Lada (with sun roof/emergency exit), I hope!!

In any case, great work, son, great werk...and welcome back!

p.s. what in ever-lovin' jumpin' Jeozofatt does "waifus" mean?!?

Yea, I guess the Firepower hype just got too strong, almost in spite of KK's misfortunes this year.


This is a waifu:



As far as cars, you'll have to use your imagination on that one. Take whatever minuscule value my detractors think I know about metal and subtract that by about 3491234921 and you'll get what I know about cars.

Also, don't get too excited about a comeback. My well is still pretty dry. I still haven't figured out what to write for a low 90s Electric Messiah review. Fuck I still haven't figured out what to write for a Blessed Black Wings review!

Chair, I'm both surprised and a little envious that you've gone so long without stumbling across the word waifu. See folks? Axiomatic proof that reading dictionaries and using big fancy words, in lieu of researching internet trends, is good for your health.

Not sure about the groove metal thing, but I can absolutely get behind Flame Thrower sucking. That's gotta be the lamest song Priest's ever written, and I say that with every awareness. It seriously sounds straight out of Death Magnetic.

I wouldn't mind vacationing on whatever island Chair's living on if he's somehow avoided that term.

Evening Star is definitely low tier Priest, but there's something oddly charming about it, in an "at least they tried something new" way.

I'm not sure if I can say Flame Thrower is lamer than everything on Point of Entry, but that requires me to listen to Point of Entry.

To briefly come out in defence, this isn't the first time I've heard Pantera associated with the term death metal. Also, Ed only said that it has "plenty of fast moments that get called death metal." I can't be the only one who hears that during 'Use My Third Arm'.

As for Firepower actually being groove metal...not really, but the songs do lock into a groove more often and the drumming doesn't entice comparisons to many other subgenres aside from your standard garden heavy metal done modern style. As for doom metal, I think Ed has forgotten that genre doesn't depend on pace.

That's not a waifu--that's a dakimakura, a.k.a. a dacky mackler, a.k.a. a body pillow. The image on it might be that person's waifu, but the pillow is not a waifu.

"Waifu" is the Romanized Japanese pronunciation of the word "wife," and its usage was popularized after the manga/anime series Azumanga Daioh featured a creeper teacher who drops a photo of a beautiful woman and when the girls in class ask him who that woman is, he responds (in English), "My wife. (Mai waifu.)" He then proceeds to show a family photo to prove it, and the joke is that this creepmeister was also a family man despite all expectations. Somehow, "mai waifu" got twisted into referring to a person's fictional character crush and it persists to this day, 17 years later.

Not sure if this is the best place to ask this, but I figure most of you guys get promos here.

Lately I've been having an audio glitch in iTunes where when one song ends, the "Now playing" bar at the top stays at the end of the song, but the music jumps back by about a minute, so I have to manually select the next song to start. I only noticed it on my Haunt - Burst Into Flame promo, so I thought it was a glitch with that particular album, especially because other recent promos I downloaded (Zealotry and Fabulous Desaster) didn't have this problem. But now I'm listening to a promo for Critical Defiance's Misconception and experiencing the exact same glitch. Is this a new option that Haulix has put in?

I also just bought a new laptop and these are the only 4 promos I've downloaded since; I just can't seem to isolate the problem or how to fix it.

I very much doubt that its promos causing the problem. I'd suggest you delete iTunes and then reinstall it. Since you haven't got much music, it shouldn't take too long.

that Possessed review was total shit. I listened to the song out of curiosity, and it isn't anything huge or exciting but it certainly doesn't at all fit his descriptions. Also doesn't deserve a fucking 0%.

In case you're curious:

His comment about it sounding like something you’d hear in a mall was so painful. We get it. You’re a total badass.

In response to Vadara query-ing

Anyone else have a problem with running out of steam halfway through their reviews? I'm trying to write a review right now but I spend an absolutely silly amount of time describing the music and by the time I'm halfway through the music description it feels like I'm taking forever. I haven't even described the vocals yet--just the basic composition and the production. I don't want to sound like I got all my witty observations in early and just phone in the rest."

I run out of steam just getting past the intro! (At times, even the very first sentence...); I also find it tough to forego individual track mentions. More often than not, I somehow, for better or for worse, reference each and every track...so I duly respect and look up to writers - veteran or not - who wickedly describe an album in spite of a bare, tardy, or altogether negligent mention of individual songs. Here is a perfect example of a well-described album (in this case, doom metal of the purest order), top heavy on overall opinions/descriptions while rather conservative towards actual "components" i.e. songs, - but those can also consist of technical elements or circumstances surrounding its release, as well as, precariously, flesh & blood band members (I usually do one of the three in this regards, a)mention all b) mention none, just the band as a whole/one entity c) just the front man/vocalist, with the actual musicians as a unit on their own - and I make sure to always check I didn't forget/omit/eschew/abscond - smack me now please - to mention the bassist or drummer should I fully/wholly be covering that angle.):

https://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/ ... atrix/4085

I immediately found it so well written, in an official "doom metal magazine" manner. It flows, describes the album to a tee (pee), and serves as a great model to learn from, for me, and likely others. In a (celeritous) sense, MA is like a creative resource vat/witch's cauldron stewing brew any body & every body can evolve from (disturbing, eh?)! (And, I think more than anything, his is a super solid way to review doom metal in general/particular...)

While Abominatrix's above take is what you'd call medium (or "just right"[and to the point]), short and concise, as well as slightly conservative/rational, devoid of excess hyperbole reviews are tougher to pull off, I think, than long-winded, all-encompassing (but mildly neurotic), waggish ones - the vast majority of my own, what!

In regards to the "micro" plan, if you can slip in the "gist" of the release within the first 300 words (or 2, even, 1 paragraph[s]), it's downhill from there, you should be able to close the review in 1-200 additional werdz, with maybe a on-hands, telescopic insight/anecdote near the end, to make the write multi-dimensional i.e. providing the gleaner with both a general's bird's eye view and real-time, in-your-face and now, soldier's battle field impression.

I'd be a hypokritikal (love those "k"'s, man) ass by not professing how much such an operationally effective, if not downright winsome, approach would directly benefit me as well; in any case, for some of us here, our unique, respective writing styles ebb and flow like the tide, so I wouldn't worry too much about writing the perfect review or "the way it should Be". I sure used to, and still do, to an extent, but I guess what I'm trying to say, is that each review is different, regardless of author (Five Nails pointed this out to me a while back), so part of the magic of writing it is its spontaneity, so I when/if you look back on it in the future, it'll shoo you back to the zone you were in whence you originally wrote it. By the same toke(n), strangers you'll likely never meet in person experience a sampling of countless buzzing minds - in their myriad states and shapes - out there on this here inter-webbefied and wondrous albeit troubled, riotous (wacky) World!

You should check in with Metantoine, as he rules the short n' sweet category...twisted_psychology also has a compact albeit breezy, easy to read style worth studying (not parroting) as well...(then you've the gritty and dry, albeit slyly enthusiastic and comprehensive TheStorm(/Thunder)IRide variety!).

Chairs to the letter bears!

p.s. Is JP's "Flamethrower" truly that bad? I dug it, but then again, it doesn't take much to get me (musically) excited. In fact, I found Halford had regained some of his crass n' sardonic, viperish vigor on or around the (roasting) refrain (+ Dairy Queen [B's] "Flamethrowah" burg dashed my plans for health & vegetarianism aeons ago!).

Exactly. Total edgelord write up. In what way does it sound like the fucking black album? Also attacking Nuclear Blast was another dumb move. Dude doesn't have any other reviews yet though so off to a bad start.

Marcus Blue Wolf wrote about Sloth a good amount of what I was thinking during the review challenge. I'm still tempted to tear them up a bit, but I'll wait until I'm feeling a bit vindictive.

Always a gass to glean seasoned, edgy write-ups for post Mob Rules Sabbath albums, such as Sekrys spurring, no-nonsense review of Headless Kross...(also checked out his Root [Czech BM] review...their skewy and skewered, bone meal band logo alone is indicative of chthonik n' demonik relish and flair - although hold all other kondiments s.v.p.!). Specially dugg the following from the former:

"And of course, the lineup would not be complete without drummer Cozy Powell, who lays down a powerful and monolithic drum track on Headless Cross. Geoff Nichols also returns, adding cool and atmospheric keyboard parts whenever they are needed." Should I ever - albeit highly unlikely - sire a son, shall name him "Cozy"! (sure beats "Snuggly") - If a girl, "Zelda"...so long as there's a "z" in the name, with "k" always optional but forego-able [am now rightfully, as well as dutifully, open/receptive to smacks upside back of ma head now, friends!.

This line further tickled my nancy:

"Directly following this is the upbeat and synthy [nice "abridgement"!] "Devil and Daughter", in which the band practically melts the listener's face off with its gallantry and might."

Ha, first we have "face-peeling" metal, now "face-melting" fare! Curious to hear what gallant sounds like, no-how (gentleman-like, what! Break out the contumely, yes?)

As for Geoff Nichols, I remember a certain hilarious review - was it written by Tanuki? If not, it could have been, owing to its overtly jocose wry-ness - which said his contribution on Heaven & Hell (the album, not just the song) was akin to a four-year old tot gleefully slapping away at a Fischer Price, rainbow colored and plastik, child's keyboard...ho-hum (drum and a flask of Mount Gay - or Kraken - [Dark] Rhum!)...

Burrrh, that said, Belzebuthspeed!

p.s. Trooper_Ed, can I borrow your waifu (pillow) for a spell? I promise to not "compromise" it...)

Question(z): How come Atomic Bitchwax is not listed here at the (exalted, yet rightfully so) Metal-Ark(yves), and, secondly, who else gets severely irked by a lack of response or appreciation upon diligent completion of write-ups in response to band requests...? It duly gets my (bizarrely - if not eerily disturbing - rectangular pupil'd) goat!

Afraid I don't have one to lend. Just cos I'm aware of certain cultural horrors doesn't mean I practice them.

That sounds like an excuse from somebody who doesn't want to lend out his waifu. All you have to do is swap out the fleshlight inserts and you're good to bring her (or him) to dinner with your parents.

What kind of animal sits at a Thanksgiving dinner table without a shirt on? The nerve of some husbandos.